Re: warning LONG post re: parenting and OCD!

[Guest guest]

HI all,

Have you ever had something totally silly ruin a friendship? Our

family has a friendship in jeopardy over a half of a button. OCD also

plays a large part.

What happened is this: I was walking my daughter and a friend to

school. The friend is a boy, close in age, with OC tendencies but not

diagnosed. (His parents are aware that he has OC characteristics.) His

family has been incredibly supportive of all we've gone through with

andra and we often see them socially.

The two kids see a shiny object on the sidewalk, and the boy rushes to

pick it up. It is a broken piece of a button, silver in color. My

daughter (hoarding tendencies) grabs it out of the boy's hand and stuffs

it into her backpack. The boy says give it back, it's mine, which

normally I would ask andra to do immediately.

Here's the kicker: the boy (scrupulosity tendencies) wants the half

button back because he feels that the owner will come looking for it and

it's wrong to take it and it must be put back on the sidewalk

immediately.

Me, thinking we're about to be late for school and NOT wanting to see my

daughter have a melt down about leaving the button on the sidewalk, I

tell them, let's go, we'll talk about it on the way. The two children

argue all the way to school and andra keeps the button.

Three weeks have passed. The boy still asks andra for the half

button every time we see them and his mother has started questioning me

about it as well. I've told her that I will not get in the middle of

this one, as my daughter would see it as the ultimate betrayal.

Privately, I am encouraging my daughter to be the bigger person and give

the boy the button, because it's obviously bothering him so much! And

she is the one who grabbed it away from him.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to lose the friendship

of what has, up until now, been a very understanding family whose

company we really enjoy. As many of you know, it is not always easy to

build relationships around our beloved OCDers.

Any suggestions? You know how I value your input.

Take care,

Lesli (Bay ARea)

[Guest guest]

Lesli,

andra has to learn that there is a difference between controlling her

environment and controlling other people. She will learn compasion if she

sees that he is not comfortable with the situation and she can relieve his

tension by accomodating him. Of course she is unabling him, but that is

another story all together!!

Perhaps the two could sit down and ask if there is a neutral way to

problem solve. I understand that andra wants to hoard the button and her

friend wants to leave 1/2 of the button where the owner will find it. How

could andra learn that this is something she must give up? This is such

a small thing, but what if she had found a $100 and insisted on bringing it

home? same thing - not hers!

I would practice using the button as Exposure, and giving it up and walking

away, as the response prevention. I suggest you walk with the two of them to

the spot they found the button, replace it, and walk away. None of them can

have it. Distract them by going to school, talk about favourite things, etc.

If necessary, identify the feelings of anxiety they are experiencing and

encourage them to Boss Them Back! Later bring up how well they did by

walking away, not making a fuss. Dont let them avoid the spot, continue the

exposure.

this is just my humble analysis,

take care, keep me posted!! wendy in canada

[Guest guest]

Hi Lesli,

This is a tough call, but the right thing to do is return the button frament

to andra's friend. I know that you do not want andra to feel as

though she has been betrayed. You might mention that not helping her to

do the right thing would be a betrayal of your responsibility to her and her

friend.

Take care.

Louis

harkins@...

[Guest guest]

Hmmmm. How old are the children? I'm thinking I would have made her

give it back immediately, since the boy found it and I can't condone

snatching. What the boy wanted it for is not really relevant--you can't

protect him from his obsessions. At this point, moral suasion with your

daughter is the key I think. With my OCDer, I use religious moral

teaching to great effect, although I worry that it might tip him toward

scrupulosity.

Judy

Masoud & Lesli Molaei wrote:

>

> From: Masoud & Lesli Molaei <desk@...>

>

> HI all,

>

> Have you ever had something totally silly ruin a friendship? Our

> family has a friendship in jeopardy over a half of a button. OCD also

> plays a large part.

>

> What happened is this: I was walking my daughter and a friend to

> school. The friend is a boy, close in age, with OC tendencies but not

> diagnosed. (His parents are aware that he has OC characteristics.) His

> family has been incredibly supportive of all we've gone through with

> andra and we often see them socially.

>

> The two kids see a shiny object on the sidewalk, and the boy rushes to

> pick it up. It is a broken piece of a button, silver in color. My

> daughter (hoarding tendencies) grabs it out of the boy's hand and stuffs

> it into her backpack. The boy says give it back, it's mine, which

> normally I would ask andra to do immediately.

>

> Here's the kicker: the boy (scrupulosity tendencies) wants the half

> button back because he feels that the owner will come looking for it and

> it's wrong to take it and it must be put back on the sidewalk

> immediately.

>

> Me, thinking we're about to be late for school and NOT wanting to see my

> daughter have a melt down about leaving the button on the sidewalk, I

> tell them, let's go, we'll talk about it on the way. The two children

> argue all the way to school and andra keeps the button.

>

> Three weeks have passed. The boy still asks andra for the half

> button every time we see them and his mother has started questioning me

> about it as well. I've told her that I will not get in the middle of

> this one, as my daughter would see it as the ultimate betrayal.

> Privately, I am encouraging my daughter to be the bigger person and give

> the boy the button, because it's obviously bothering him so much! And

> she is the one who grabbed it away from him.

>

> I know this sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to lose the friendship

> of what has, up until now, been a very understanding family whose

> company we really enjoy. As many of you know, it is not always easy to

> build relationships around our beloved OCDers.

>

> Any suggestions? You know how I value your input.

>

> Take care,

> Lesli (Bay ARea)

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

[Guest guest]

Hi Lesli, in this situation I would have insisted Kel return the button

immediately, since she grabbed it from another child (Kel also has hoarding

tendencies and also some sort of grabbing compulsion, she does this in a

knee-jerk fashion that is tic-like and odd to see.) If for some reason Kel

still had the button three weeks later I would still insist she return it to

the boy even at this late date. This is good E & RP for andra, not

necessarily for the boy but you don't say whether or not his parents are

supporting his " bossing back " of his OCD tendencies. I hope they're aware

that the world is full of broken bits of this and that littering the

sidewalks!

I think the best solution for both children would be to replace the button

where it was found, though this would require the other child's parents'

cooperation/agreement that this was best. Since both children " need " the

button because of OCD issues, neither child can have it. If the found

object had been something of value, you probably would have turned it in to

the police or school lost-and-found, and there wouldn't have been any

question of either child keeping it.

I don't think telling her she needs to return the button would constitute

betraying your daughter, instead you would be betraying OCD and its

unreasonable " rules. " I have often reversed myself with my daughter

regarding some OCD situation. I simply explain why I've changed my mind,

remind her that I won't help OCD make her life hard, and leave it at that.

She grumbles and complains, sometimes hits the roof, but . . . If in

hindsight you wish you had done something differently at the moment the

button was found, I would encourage you to do it now.

What do the boy's parents want you to do? My bet is they don't want to lose

a friendship over a broken button either. Let us know how this situation

resolves.

Kathy R. in Indiana

Re: warning LONG post re: parenting and OCD!

> From: Masoud & Lesli Molaei <desk@...>

>

> HI all,

>

> Have you ever had something totally silly ruin a friendship? Our

> family has a friendship in jeopardy over a half of a button. OCD also

> plays a large part.

>

> What happened is this: I was walking my daughter and a friend to

> school. The friend is a boy, close in age, with OC tendencies but not

> diagnosed. (His parents are aware that he has OC characteristics.) His

> family has been incredibly supportive of all we've gone through with

> andra and we often see them socially.

>

> The two kids see a shiny object on the sidewalk, and the boy rushes to

> pick it up. It is a broken piece of a button, silver in color. My

> daughter (hoarding tendencies) grabs it out of the boy's hand and stuffs

> it into her backpack. The boy says give it back, it's mine, which

> normally I would ask andra to do immediately.

>

> Here's the kicker: the boy (scrupulosity tendencies) wants the half

> button back because he feels that the owner will come looking for it and

> it's wrong to take it and it must be put back on the sidewalk

> immediately.

>

> Me, thinking we're about to be late for school and NOT wanting to see my

> daughter have a melt down about leaving the button on the sidewalk, I

> tell them, let's go, we'll talk about it on the way. The two children

> argue all the way to school and andra keeps the button.

>

> Three weeks have passed. The boy still asks andra for the half

> button every time we see them and his mother has started questioning me

> about it as well. I've told her that I will not get in the middle of

> this one, as my daughter would see it as the ultimate betrayal.

> Privately, I am encouraging my daughter to be the bigger person and give

> the boy the button, because it's obviously bothering him so much! And

> she is the one who grabbed it away from him.

>

> I know this sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to lose the friendship

> of what has, up until now, been a very understanding family whose

> company we really enjoy. As many of you know, it is not always easy to

> build relationships around our beloved OCDers.

>

> Any suggestions? You know how I value your input.

>

> Take care,

> Lesli (Bay ARea)

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

>