Depressed and Scared

[Guest guest]

Hi ya'll,

I havent posted in a few weeks, but right now I just don't know

where to turn, so I am turning to you. I feel so overwhelmed with

depression right now. I have felt that way off and on for weeks. I am

having an exteme amount of trouble sleeping among other things. I

don't understand why but I don't want to go to bed at night, this has

been going on for several years and I always chalked it up to just not

wanting to sleep without Dale (he works midnights) and too I have

always been kind of a night owl. Which is weird because I get seasonal

depression, I NEED sunlight to feel good. Anyway it seems differant

somehow, I dread it. I wake up several times a night to go to the

bathroom and always feel okay when I wake up at 1 or 2 or 4 or

whatever, but when I wake up to get up for the day (here lately)

around 8:30-9 a.m. I just feel angry, I don't want to be awake

somehow, I ache all over and I just can't explain it just wierd, but

once I get up and moving around for about an hour I feel okay and for

the first time in five years I stay awake ALL day, no naps although

sometimes I do still feel pretty tired by afternoon.

I am also scared. Several years ago, I think like five, I had to

go get a mamagram they found a lump in my left breast, no biggy, they

did a lumpectomy and it was benign, BUT, when they were doing the mam.

I told the tech that I had found a small knott kind of against the

chest wall on the right side just above my breast but below my armpit.

She said the only way they could do a ultrasound of it was with a

dr.'s order and so nothing was done and I did'nt really think about it

anymore. At the time I worked for an OB?GYN. I also at the same time

found a tiny and I do mean tiny black speck at the base of my right

nipple. I told the quack I worked for about it and he said oh it's

probably nothing. I took a needle and got the top off to see if it was

a black head but you could see it way down under my skin. To this day

it is still there. When I was at my Onc. a week ago he started feeling

my lymphnodes and said no knotts or lumps? and I remembered the lump

under my arm, (actually I had found it again recently) and I told him

about it so he found it and I am scheduled for a Mamogram and

Ultrasound June 16th I think. The knott has gotten a little bigger

over the last five years and although it was never sore before the day

I was in there it was a little tender.

I don't understand why I am so afraid, I mean come on now I have

Leukemia, what could be scarier then that??? Something you can't cut

out or make go away?? But I am afraid of this thing under my arm.

Suddenly I have this gut feeling that I am not going to be around too

much longer, it is such a heavy and pervasive feeling that it is

making me feel sad and panicky. All of a sudden I want to go camping

I want to take my kids somewhere special, it's like I don't believe I

will have the chance again. I just don't understand.

On top of everything else my Mom has started talking constantly

about how the end is near, Jesus is coming soon. We are near

tribulation. I was raised Pentecostal and still am, I went to a

revival about four weeks ago and that is when my sleeping problems

began. Yes I believe that we are living in the last days, but I am

also terrified of it, I told my mom PLEASE don't talk to me about

that, I'm sorry (I didn't want to hurt her feelings) but MOM I don't

care HOW saved I am or have been or how much into church I get THAT

subject has always terrified me, so STOP!

I'm sorry I know I am rattling on and on, but I just have no

place else to turn. This is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak, I

am obsessed with the past here lately, and missing my babies being

babies and my Aunt's and Uncle's and Grandma's and Grandpa's who have

passed on, I am confused and scared and sad and maybe just

putting some of it down into words will help me to get thru it.

Anyway, Thanks

for listening to me go on about my woa's .

Hugs,

aka...Katy