depressed and scared

[Guest guest]

, Please, Please talk to your onc. I have been going through the same type

of depression and I was just barely hanging on . I thought I had to, so as not

to upset my husband and kids but a week ago I had a doc appt. and I just started

crying and my onc and her nurse stopped everything and had a social worker come

in and talk to me for almost an hour. I feel so much better now and they have

put me on antidepressants .I don't know if the pills are working or just the

fact that I got a lot off my chest to someone that was not personally involved.

I know that I feel much better. I still have some bad moments , I seem to be

awfully thin skinned, but I do feel a little more in control of my emotions

than I was . Take care and ask for help . Eva

From: deb1156

Sent: Tuesday, July 08, 2008 10:43 AM

Subject: [ ] Re: Depressed and Scared

-I was scared when they told me I had CML and I would sit up all night

wondering how much time I had left and something came across me one

night and I started writing every feeling I was having on paper and it

seemed to help. Then I called my children and grandchildren together

to talk. No one wanted to say the word cancer(mainly me)and one day I

said the dreaded word and it wasn't as hard but I still sit up at

night and cried half the night because I felt I had to be there for

the kids. It dawned on me I was the one with cancer. I got a little

book and started writing everything down and it seemed to help. It's

worth a try. Good luck and God bless.

-- In , " zazzy48 " <chanson@...> wrote:

>

> Hi ,

> Oh my, been there, done that.

>

> Perhaps you need to go see a counselor (you can call your local

> county or ask your onc to refer you)... I saw a very wonderful woman

> after my heart surgery. She cried with me after my CML dx and again

> with the breast cancer dx. I was so sad when she left our area. But

> now my onc's office has two counselors for every patient, so I do

> have that resource. Please remember that there is no stigma

> associated with depression... almost everyone has it at one time.

>

> I've taken antidepressants for years, being clinically depressed.

> I've tried many and I'm currently taking Lexapro, which is working

> well for me.

>

> As others have stated, it can cause insomnia and aches and pains.

>

> Good luck with your breast issues... I sincerely hope that everything

> works out for you and it is nothing.

>

> Take care,

> Zazzy

>

>

> >

> > Hi ya'll,

> > I havent posted in a few weeks, but right now I just don't know

> > where to turn, so I am turning to you. I feel so overwhelmed with

> > depression right now. I have felt that way off and on for weeks. I

> am

> > having an exteme amount of trouble sleeping among other things. I

> > don't understand why but I don't want to go to bed at night, this

> has

> > been going on for several years and I always chalked it up to just

> not

> > wanting to sleep without Dale (he works midnights) and too I have

> > always been kind of a night owl. Which is weird because I get

> seasonal

> > depression, I NEED sunlight to feel good. Anyway it seems differant

> > somehow, I dread it. I wake up several times a night to go to the

> > bathroom and always feel okay when I wake up at 1 or 2 or 4 or

> > whatever, but when I wake up to get up for the day (here lately)

> > around 8:30-9 a.m. I just feel angry, I don't want to be awake

> > somehow, I ache all over and I just can't explain it just wierd, but

> > once I get up and moving around for about an hour I feel okay and

> for

> > the first time in five years I stay awake ALL day, no naps although

> > sometimes I do still feel pretty tired by afternoon.

> > I am also scared. Several years ago, I think like five, I had to

> > go get a mamagram they found a lump in my left breast, no biggy,

> they

> > did a lumpectomy and it was benign, BUT, when they were doing the

> mam.

> > I told the tech that I had found a small knott kind of against the

> > chest wall on the right side just above my breast but below my

> armpit.

> > She said the only way they could do a ultrasound of it was with a

> > dr.'s order and so nothing was done and I did'nt really think about

> it

> > anymore. At the time I worked for an OB?GYN. I also at the same time

> > found a tiny and I do mean tiny black speck at the base of my right

> > nipple. I told the quack I worked for about it and he said oh it's

> > probably nothing. I took a needle and got the top off to see if it

> was

> > a black head but you could see it way down under my skin. To this

> day

> > it is still there. When I was at my Onc. a week ago he started

> feeling

> > my lymphnodes and said no knotts or lumps? and I remembered the lump

> > under my arm, (actually I had found it again recently) and I told

> him

> > about it so he found it and I am scheduled for a Mamogram and

> > Ultrasound June 16th I think. The knott has gotten a little bigger

> > over the last five years and although it was never sore before the

> day

> > I was in there it was a little tender.

> > I don't understand why I am so afraid, I mean come on now I

> have

> > Leukemia, what could be scarier then that??? Something you can't cut

> > out or make go away?? But I am afraid of this thing under my arm.

> > Suddenly I have this gut feeling that I am not going to be around

> too

> > much longer, it is such a heavy and pervasive feeling that it is

> > making me feel sad and panicky. All of a sudden I want to go

> camping

> > I want to take my kids somewhere special, it's like I don't believe

> I

> > will have the chance again. I just don't understand.

> > On top of everything else my Mom has started talking constantly

> > about how the end is near, Jesus is coming soon. We are near

> > tribulation. I was raised Pentecostal and still am, I went to a

> > revival about four weeks ago and that is when my sleeping problems

> > began. Yes I believe that we are living in the last days, but I am

> > also terrified of it, I told my mom PLEASE don't talk to me about

> > that, I'm sorry (I didn't want to hurt her feelings) but MOM I don't

> > care HOW saved I am or have been or how much into church I get THAT

> > subject has always terrified me, so STOP!

> > I'm sorry I know I am rattling on and on, but I just have no

> > place else to turn. This is just the tip of the iceberg so to

> speak, I

> > am obsessed with the past here lately, and missing my babies being

> > babies and my Aunt's and Uncle's and Grandma's and Grandpa's who

> have

> > passed on, I am confused and scared and sad and maybe just

> > putting some of it down into words will help me to get thru it.

> > Anyway, Thanks

> > for listening to me go on about my woa's .

> > Hugs,

> > aka...Katy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was known as the QUEEN of anxiety by Ono when I was first diagnosed in 05.  I

have been on Lorzapam for 3 years now.  I take it as needed.  I am in a deep

remission but I still get days that I am weepy for NO reason..  I still wonder

if the sprycel could turn on a dime and come out of remission.  Some days my

poor husband doesn't know what he will face.  But.....for the most part things

do get back to normal.  I only have to see my onoc every two months with blood

work at that time.  When I was first diagnosed it was everyother day for a long

time..  So, i know how you are feeling and been there.  It will get better.  I

have learned to take pleasure in small things like the beauty outside my window,

the love of family, and most of all I give it over to God because there is

nothing I can do about it.

Feel better and hang in there

carolyn

dx11-05