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Noah,

I am scared to death to say the wrong thing to my son, I never mention that

I am sick , or someone is sick, or throwing up wihich are all fears of his.

I am afraid that if he reads something that someone else does, that he

might start to do it, so I know how you feel. My husband and I have to

catch ourselves all the time when we talk, if he heres us say sick, he'll

say what did you say and we will say something totally diffirent.

Sometimes we feel like we are walking on pins and needles.

My son is also 12yo

Pat

----------

> From: noah@...

> egroups

> Subject: The Wave

> Date: Monday, July 03, 2000 10:47 PM

>

> All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for 5 years.

>

> Since my wife and I are presently separated, I hadn't been around him

> and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend. And lo and behold

> he was using the remote controller with his hands! He had stopped

> this behavior a year ago when he became aware that there was a

> battery in the controller and batteries were correlated to acid.

>

> Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves him from one set of

> fixations to the next. Of course we have the old-standby's like hand-

> washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.

>

> My question is regarding the power of suggestion -- on the part of a

> parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about someone who is

> stuck in the shower or scared of something that my son isn't afraid

> of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop myself, I don't want

> to add fuel to the fire.

>

> Does anyone else have children who's fears move and do we add to them?

>

> -Noah

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Visit Ancestry.com for a FREE 14-Day Trial and find your ancestors now.

> Search over 550 million names and trace your family tree today. Click

here:

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>

> You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In

the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives,

Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by

going to , enter your email address and password,

then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may

be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .

>

>

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Hi Noah,

Over the years as I have read posts to the OCD-L I have read this question asked numerous times. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe the general consensus is that people with OCD do not adopt symptoms that they hear or read about. I believe that this is possible and have seen posts that specifically stated that this had happened, but it is fair to state that most of the people posting stated that they did not adopt symptoms that they heard or read about in others. Many OCD'ers have written about how funny or absurd they found the symptoms of other OCD'ers to be, while admitting that they had their own set of symptoms that would most probably seem funny or absurd to others.

I think that it is best not to worry about what we say to our children because I believe that concern just builds walls that make open communication difficult.

Take care.

Louis

harkins@...

The Wave

All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for 5 years. Since my wife and I are presently separated, I hadn't been around him and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend. And lo and behold he was using the remote controller with his hands! He had stopped this behavior a year ago when he became aware that there was a battery in the controller and batteries were correlated to acid.Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves him from one set of fixations to the next. Of course we have the old-standby's like hand-washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.My question is regarding the power of suggestion -- on the part of a parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about someone who is stuck in the shower or scared of something that my son isn't afraid of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop myself, I don't want to add fuel to the fire.Does anyone else have children who's fears move and do we add to them?-Noah You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives, Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by going to , enter your email address and password, then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .

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Hi Noah, I think I hold a minority view on this issue, because I have

noticed that my daughter often " borrows " others' worries and compulsions,

both from OCDers (read about in a book, for ex.) and " regular " people.

Others I very much respect believe that OCDers don't " catch " obsessions and

compulsions and that these are highly specific to the individual. Even so I

don't do much to edit my conversation or otherwise avoid OCD hot topics. I

admit to cringing inside when someone decides to discuss the details of

their recent surgery, break-in, or something similar in front of my daughter

:-)

I've also noticed that by modeling a scary behavior (jumping into a " shark

infested " lake) or remaining unruffled in an OCDish situation (the dog eats

off my plate), this sometimes helps to diminish my child's obsession or

compulsion. This may be related her age, perhaps at six years old Mom still

can have almost as much influence as OCD in some situations.

Often, the compulsions or obsessions my daughter " catches " from others seem

to fizzle out more quickly than ones her own OCD comes up with--but not

always. She has some obsessions that have been with her from onset, and

some fairly long-running compulsions, but many others that come and go,

sometimes in a matter of days.

FWIW,

Kathy R. in Indiana

The Wave

> All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for 5 years.

>

> Since my wife and I are presently separated, I hadn't been around him

> and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend. And lo and behold

> he was using the remote controller with his hands! He had stopped

> this behavior a year ago when he became aware that there was a

> battery in the controller and batteries were correlated to acid.

>

> Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves him from one set of

> fixations to the next. Of course we have the old-standby's like hand-

> washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.

>

> My question is regarding the power of suggestion -- on the part of a

> parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about someone who is

> stuck in the shower or scared of something that my son isn't afraid

> of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop myself, I don't want

> to add fuel to the fire.

>

> Does anyone else have children who's fears move and do we add to them?

>

> -Noah

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Noah, Pat,

You raise 2 questions here. First of all, by not exposing your son to

things that cause him anxiety, as this happens in a normal day (not in

extreme situations) you are allowing his ocd to control you. It is perfectly

normal to sneeze and then wash your hands - in fact, its curtesy if you've

missed the Kleenex!!

Two of my three kids with ocd have contamination concerns. My third

child does not have contamination issues. The older kids call her to kill

spiders on the wall, move the worms off the walk, clean the dogs eyes....

she isnt the least bit worried about it! All my kids hoard objects.

Fortunatly, each one hoards a different thing (candles, labels,

pens/pencils), but then so does their father = so I'm not sure about this

one being example!! jk - if they didnt want to, they wouldnt.

I talk about anything I want to - including subjects that may or may not

make someones anxiety level change. I will not change my way of talking to

accomodate OCD. Ocd lives in my household, not the other way around. It does

mean that I have to be prepared for meltdowns, but that is when we use

humour and work together to fight the obsession or compulsion....

Yes, the symptoms do shift. Sometimes they are counting, or checking...

other times contamination of specific objects... but so far, most are under

control. Only one has extreme OCD, but that's a separate issue.

I hope this helps.... wendy in canada wb4@...

=============================

> > My question is regarding the power of suggestion -- on the part of a

> > parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about someone who is

> > stuck in the shower or scared of something that my son isn't afraid

> > of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop myself, I don't want

> > to add fuel to the fire.

> >

> > Does anyone else have children who's fears move and do we add to them?

> >

> > -Noah

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Hi!I can really relate to your situation with your son. My 10yr old daughter

has the same problems.She has some fears like going to hell that are her main

obsessions and then there are others that come and go and change to something

different. Just as we figure out how to deal with one its time for another

one to surface. My daughter is pretty much symptom free (for the most part)

right now. She is taking Luvox and Wellbutrin and doing very well. Is your

son on meds or in couns. (CBT)? I wish you the best and will keep you and

your son in my prayers. Happy 4th of July. Nikki

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I almost forgot to mention that I go through the same fears about not wanting

to mention anyone elses symptoms because I dont want to add fuel to the fire.

But I did have her watch a talk show with me about ocd and tics she handled

it well and did not seem to have any new o's or c's from it. I think that it

helped her to seethat she is not the only one with this. My daughter

desperatley wants to have a friend with OCD. She has lots of friends and she

is very well liked but she still feels different becaudse she does not

personally know anyone with her problems. I hope this helps a little, take

care. Nikki

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Hi Noah:

How wonderful that your son is able to use the remote controller with his

hands. OCD is a very protean disorder and it can trick us into

participating in a lot of avoidance by making us worry that we will trigger

their OCD by something said, heard or seen.

As your son learns to do CBT to boss back his OCD you will see him have his

OCD purposefully triggered. Strangely enough the very thing you are

worrying about, encouraging his OCD to morph to new symptoms, is what

starts to happen often when our kids start getting some of their OCD

symptoms under control. As your son starts to recover you will learn to

encourage him to face any potential trigger and " spit in the eye " of OCD.

Our Steve still has his " old-standby's " like hippies, drugs, the beach, the

ocean, but it is his job to trigger himself and keep bossing back so he can

control his OCD. When we live in constant fear that what we do or say or

see will trigger an OCD meltdown we are letting OCD boss us around. It is

impossible to predict 100% what will or won't trigger OCD and you can drive

yourself crazy worrying about it. I know this because I did this. It is

more helpful to develop a plan to encourage your son to face his fears when

his OCD is triggered. As he learns to do this successfully he will learn

to address any new symptoms early on when they are easiest to boss back.

Pretty soon they even learn to incorporate this into getting what they

want. When the movie " The Blair Witch Project " came out, Steve, who has

lots of violent obsessions, told me he wanted a copy for E & RP. When he was

very sick with OCD there is no way he could even have looked at the cover

on the DVD. He has watched it a couple of times.

I actually think it is helpful for OCDers to hear about the symptoms of

others that they don't have. They usually think the symptoms of others are

pretty strange and unnecessary and this gives them more insight into the

excessiveness of their OCD symptoms.

Take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 02:47 AM 07/04/2000 -0000, you wrote:

>All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for 5 years.

>

>Since my wife and I are presently separated, I hadn't been around him

>and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend. And lo and behold

>he was using the remote controller with his hands! He had stopped

>this behavior a year ago when he became aware that there was a

>battery in the controller and batteries were correlated to acid.

>

>Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves him from one set of

>fixations to the next. Of course we have the old-standby's like hand-

>washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.

>

>My question is regarding the power of suggestion -- on the part of a

>parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about someone who is

>stuck in the shower or scared of something that my son isn't afraid

>of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop myself, I don't want

>to add fuel to the fire.

>

>Does anyone else have children who's fears move and do we add to them?

>

>-Noah

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Nikki - My son sounds a lot like your daughter. His main obsessions

revolve around scrupulosity. He is very bothered by thoughts of the devil

and going to hell. Have you had your daughter in CBT as yet? Has it been

successful? I have found the E & RP quite difficult because his own bad

behavior or that of others is what triggers his obsessions ( He is

obsessively good). It is hard to plan homework assignments because of this.

Any suggestions? Eliza in Wi

Re: The Wave

> Hi!I can really relate to your situation with your son. My 10yr old

daughter

> has the same problems.She has some fears like going to hell that are her

main

> obsessions and then there are others that come and go and change to

something

> different. Just as we figure out how to deal with one its time for another

> one to surface. My daughter is pretty much symptom free (for the most

part)

> right now. She is taking Luvox and Wellbutrin and doing very well. Is your

> son on meds or in couns. (CBT)? I wish you the best and will keep you and

> your son in my prayers. Happy 4th of July. Nikki

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Visit Ancestry.com for a FREE 14-Day Trial and find your ancestors now.

> Search over 550 million names and trace your family tree today. Click

here:

> 1/6254/7/_/531051/_/962721853/

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In

the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. The Archives,

Files, and Features List for the may be accessed by

going to , enter your email address and password,

then point and click. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be

addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .

>

>

>

>

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Noah,

What I've seen happen with Eleena (17) is not exactly

as you've described, but I can certainly sympathize.

If we discuss something in her presence that is

related to one of her obsessions, then she will almost

definitely pick up on it, even if she didn't have an

obsession specifically related to what we were

discussing, just somewhat of a relationship. For

example, we can't discuss chronic illnesses around her

because she'll be convinced that she's going to

develop the the new illness that she hears about, even

if she never had any reason to believe this. On the

other hand, if she doesn't have any obsessions about a

subject, she won't suddenly develop them just by

hearing about them. What she might do is actually

open up about an obsession when I discuss something

that I've read or heard about another person with OCD

doing or thinking. This is not the same as developing

a new obsession. This is just getting over the

embarassment of having this obsession because suddenly

she's not the only one and she doesn't feel that I'll

look at her like she's crazy when she admits to an

obsession (I never have, but this is a concern of

hers). I don't have to worry about mentioning that

some other kids have OC's related to what they eat,

because she's never had a problem in this general

area.

Trudy in KC, MO

_______________________________________________________

> From: noah@...

>

> All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for 5

> years.

>

> Since my wife and I are presently separated, I

> hadn't been around him

> and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend.

> And lo and behold

> he was using the remote controller with his hands!

> He had stopped

> this behavior a year ago when he became aware that

> there was a

> battery in the controller and batteries were

> correlated to acid.

>

> Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves

> him from one set of

> fixations to the next. Of course we have the

> old-standby's like hand-

> washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.

>

> My question is regarding the power of suggestion --

> on the part of a

> parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read about

> someone who is

> stuck in the shower or scared of something that my

> son isn't afraid

> of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop

> myself, I don't want

> to add fuel to the fire.

>

> Does anyone else have children who's fears move and

> do we add to them?

>

> -Noah

__________________________________________________

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One other note. brought up a great point that

avoiding topics is not necessarily helping our kids to

deal with their OCs. Since Eleena is still fairly

early on in her therapy, there are still several

topics that we try to avoid, but we're doing that less

and less when it comes to topics that she's dealing

with through therapy. We no longer avoid watching the

news when she's around. Actually, she will sit with

us and watch it, then we'll discuss anything that she

feels is triggering an OC attack. I think that when

she's working on exposure for an OC, such as not going

out with friends for fear of attack by some lunatic

out there, this is extremely helpful. When it comes

to things that she's not ready to deal with yet, too

high on her hierarchy, we still avoid the topic. I'm

not sure if this is the best thing to do, but so far

it seems to be working for us. FYI, she goes out with

friends all the time now. She's still afraid and has

added rituals before going out, but at least she's

going out. One step at a time.

Trudy in KC, MO

_______________________________________________________

<clanmcculloch@...> wrote:

> Noah,

>

> What I've seen happen with Eleena (17) is not

> exactly

> as you've described, but I can certainly

sympathize.

>

> If we discuss something in her presence that is

> related to one of her obsessions, then she will

> almost

> definitely pick up on it, even if she didn't have an

> obsession specifically related to what we were

> discussing, just somewhat of a relationship. For

> example, we can't discuss chronic illnesses around

> her

> because she'll be convinced that she's going to

> develop the the new illness that she hears about,

> even

> if she never had any reason to believe this. On the

> other hand, if she doesn't have any obsessions about

> a

> subject, she won't suddenly develop them just by

> hearing about them. What she might do is actually

> open up about an obsession when I discuss something

> that I've read or heard about another person with

> OCD

> doing or thinking. This is not the same as

> developing

> a new obsession. This is just getting over the

> embarassment of having this obsession because

> suddenly

> she's not the only one and she doesn't feel that

> I'll

> look at her like she's crazy when she admits to an

> obsession (I never have, but this is a concern of

> hers). I don't have to worry about mentioning that

> some other kids have OC's related to what they eat,

> because she's never had a problem in this general

> area.

>

> Trudy in KC, MO

_______________________________________________________

> > From: noah@...

> >

> > All- My 12 year old son has had noticeable OCD for

> > 5

> > years.

> >

> > Since my wife and I are presently separated, I

> > hadn't been around him

> > and a TV set for a month or so until this weekend.

> > And lo and behold

> > he was using the remote controller with his hands!

> > He had stopped

> > this behavior a year ago when he became aware that

> > there was a

> > battery in the controller and batteries were

> > correlated to acid.

> >

> > Anyhow, I got to thinking about how his OCD moves

> > him from one set of

> > fixations to the next. Of course we have the

> > old-standby's like hand-

> > washing and shoes-must-be-lined-up-in-the-closet.

> >

> > My question is regarding the power of suggestion

--

> > on the part of a

> > parent to a child with OCD. Sometimes I read

about

> > someone who is

> > stuck in the shower or scared of something that my

> > son isn't afraid

> > of and I almost mention it --- and then I stop

> > myself, I don't want

> > to add fuel to the fire.

> >

> > Does anyone else have children who's fears move

and

> > do we add to them?

> >

> > -Noah

__________________________________________________

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Everyone thanks for your thoughts and stories.

It is important for us (humans with and without OCD) to face our

fears from time to time -- one at a time.

Sometimes, though when Simon (my 12yr old son) asks me if I just

cleaned out the bathroom with Ajax -- and I recall that when he saw

me clean the bathroom with Ajax last time he would not go in there

for 6 weeks --- I am forced to lie and say " no " (and make sure the

room gets aired out quickly).

Another time we were watching a movie and there was a reference to

leprosy and Simon quickly says " There's no way I can get that and

the

leper colonies are gone " --- I start to answer honestly (I used to

study leprosy and I usually field biology/disease questions) and I

get the look from my wife --- And she's right we don't want to spend

2-3 hours discussing leprosy until the wee hours.

I quess I feel we have to pick the issues to face.

--Noah

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HI Noah:

You are right you have to pick the issues you are going to deal with. To

get recovery from OCD, the issues need to be ordered in a hierarchy from

the easiest to manage to the toughest and eventually the toughest need to

be confronted too. Usually therapy starts with intermediate symptoms and

after a while generalization occurs so that all symptoms may not need to be

addressed. Not addressing the toughest ones only encourages avoidance and

once you give OCD an inch it takes a mile and then a million miles and so on.

Sometimes the symptoms to be addressed are the ones which cause the most

disruption to all concerned. re: Ajax, we have learned not to hide the

truth as you can be caught out and this interferes with the trust that it

is so important to maintain with our beloved OCDers. We have also taken

the opportunity not to use harsh cleaners and now use borax or baking soda

or live with things a little less clean.

Also a bit of paradoxical therapy works wonders, we would just grab onto

our throats and overact as if we are dying on the spot from fumes and beg

Steve to start making funeral arrangements so we can have a say in them

before dying. Sounds macabre but it works. Of course I have a rep at home

for having the least funny jokes, but I think it is well earned <VBG>.

IN the context you describe, discussing leprosy for hours would be

providing reassurance and participating in Simon's compulsion so it is

excellent you didn't do this. I would probably just tell Steve in a

similar situation, that is OCD that you are reassuring yourself and let him

deal with it. We have started to say " Hello OCD " quite a bit with a loving

smile. He tells me " Hello OC " when he thinks I have to lighten up. It

works pretty well and we have fun with it. Another parent on this list

recommended the " Hello OCD " approach and I am sorry but I don't remember

who. Thanks because it has worked well for us.

Take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 04:22 AM 07/06/2000 +0000, you wrote:

>

>Everyone thanks for your thoughts and stories.

>

>It is important for us (humans with and without OCD) to face our

>fears from time to time -- one at a time.

>

>Sometimes, though when Simon (my 12yr old son) asks me if I just

>cleaned out the bathroom with Ajax -- and I recall that when he saw

>me clean the bathroom with Ajax last time he would not go in there

>for 6 weeks --- I am forced to lie and say " no " (and make sure the

>room gets aired out quickly).

>

>Another time we were watching a movie and there was a reference to

>leprosy and Simon quickly says " There's no way I can get that and

>the

>leper colonies are gone " --- I start to answer honestly (I used to

>study leprosy and I usually field biology/disease questions) and I

>get the look from my wife --- And she's right we don't want to spend

>2-3 hours discussing leprosy until the wee hours.

>

>I quess I feel we have to pick the issues to face.

>

>--Noah

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Hi Eliza! Im sorry it took me so long to reply, we have been on vacation. My

daughter is in " CBT " , I dont think her counselor is aggressive enough with

E & RP I have read Dr. March's book and practice a bit at home with certain

things like she was very scared of using her middle finger as she thought

that she would go to hell. We talked alot about this and started using it for

lots of things and she did this willingly with very little anxiety she said.

This helped alot. The hardest thing that I have found about this particular

obsession is that I cant prove to her that her fear isnt going to happen

because she doesnt fear shes going to hell now, its when she dies. So if

anyone reading this has any suggestions please let me know. My daughter is

doing really well right now because she is on Luvox and Wellbutrin. She is

almost symptom free.Feel free to write back if you like. Nikki

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Hi Nikki:

To recover your daughter has to learn to live with uncertainty. She cannot

know and be 100% sure whether she is going to go to hell or to heaven when

she dies. This is hard thing for our beloved OCDers to do but trying to

assure her she will go to heaven when she dies will only make her sicker.

I would try some paradoxical stuff with Steve in a similar situation and

joke that it is a good thing he is going to hell so that he will be there

with me and anyway after living in Hawaii we have learned to take the heat.

I apologize if what I have written is offensive to others, but you can see

there is almost nowhere I won't go to boss OCD.

It is great to hear how well your daughter is and great job with the middle

finger exposure. She is very lucky to have you supporting her so well in

learning to boss back. Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 10:28 PM 07/07/2000 EDT, you wrote:

>Hi Eliza! Im sorry it took me so long to reply, we have been on vacation. My

>daughter is in " CBT " , I dont think her counselor is aggressive enough with

>E & RP I have read Dr. March's book and practice a bit at home with certain

>things like she was very scared of using her middle finger as she thought

>that she would go to hell. We talked alot about this and started using it

for

>lots of things and she did this willingly with very little anxiety she said.

>This helped alot. The hardest thing that I have found about this particular

>obsession is that I cant prove to her that her fear isnt going to happen

>because she doesnt fear shes going to hell now, its when she dies. So if

>anyone reading this has any suggestions please let me know. My daughter is

>doing really well right now because she is on Luvox and Wellbutrin. She is

>almost symptom free.Feel free to write back if you like. Nikki

>

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I can assure you that my daughter knows she IS going straight to Heaven when

she dies. And that doesn't make her any sicker but brings her

peace......and me too.....

Re: The Wave

>Hi Nikki:

>

>To recover your daughter has to learn to live with uncertainty. She cannot

>know and be 100% sure whether she is going to go to hell or to heaven when

>she dies. This is hard thing for our beloved OCDers to do but trying to

>assure her she will go to heaven when she dies will only make her sicker.

>

>I would try some paradoxical stuff with Steve in a similar situation and

>joke that it is a good thing he is going to hell so that he will be there

>with me and anyway after living in Hawaii we have learned to take the heat.

> I apologize if what I have written is offensive to others, but you can see

>there is almost nowhere I won't go to boss OCD.

>

>It is great to hear how well your daughter is and great job with the middle

>finger exposure. She is very lucky to have you supporting her so well in

>learning to boss back. Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

>kathyh@...

>

>At 10:28 PM 07/07/2000 EDT, you wrote:

>>Hi Eliza! Im sorry it took me so long to reply, we have been on vacation.

My

>>daughter is in " CBT " , I dont think her counselor is aggressive enough with

>>E & RP I have read Dr. March's book and practice a bit at home with certain

>>things like she was very scared of using her middle finger as she thought

>>that she would go to hell. We talked alot about this and started using it

>for

>>lots of things and she did this willingly with very little anxiety she

said.

>>This helped alot. The hardest thing that I have found about this

particular

>>obsession is that I cant prove to her that her fear isnt going to happen

>>because she doesnt fear shes going to hell now, its when she dies. So if

>>anyone reading this has any suggestions please let me know. My daughter is

>>doing really well right now because she is on Luvox and Wellbutrin. She is

>>almost symptom free.Feel free to write back if you like. Nikki

>>

>

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