Re: thoughts

[Guest guest]

Kathy

thanks for writeing your thoughts

gods plans maybe theres this kid that site across the street from melissas

school

i see him alot and noticed one day melissa talking to him when i picked her

up

i asked her who he was and she said he was in a few of her classes

curiously i asked why is he in that chair melissa

she said i never asked him about why mom but he has asked why i was in my

chair

when i was in it he thought i couldnt walk at all i told him i had

arthritis

and he thought it was funny then he asked if i hurt i told him yes real bad

sometimes she said mom but i never see him walk but i dont question why

i told her that was up to her if she wanted to know

when you talked about the bike i had tears in my eyes kathy

i know that feeling melissa was happy go lucky in the mornings on saturday

she was off on the side street with the bike or skates on always going to

see 2 elderly women here on the street and you could hear her hollering hi

ms louise hi ms donna

hi ms carrie hi ms diane and they always hollered back to her the men she

would say hi sonny larry and mr elmer lolololol she would never take off

across the street without comeing to me and saying mom i want to go see ms

carrie or ms donna at 12 years old i still was cautious with her

the kids around here were at my house everyday playing

after school she was off never could keep her still

now the bike went from the front porch to the garage she has 2 bikes so if

a friend wanted to ride they could she had 2 pair of skate for the same

the bikes were put up for a reason she always would see the bikes and her

friends came up and would say melissa can i ride your bike and she would say

no cause i cant yet and the bikes are to be rode together after a few days

of this i put them up because this hurt her kids get out and play ride

bikes her friends come by sometimes now but not like they use to she says

its cause they are scared of getting it JRA lololol but weeks later after

makeing that comment they came over and i asked them and they said no thats

not the reason but their moms had told them to stay closer to home lololol

well now melissa finally got out of that chair

and she did ride the bike lololol she got mad with me and took off rideing

it

she hurt that night but she says next time she will go slowly

lololol the stationary bike i brought in and now she will get on it for a

few then get off just to stretch the legs lololol strange how kids do

Robbin

[Guest guest]

Kathy/Robbin

I red both of yall commits about the bike and it kind of made me teary

eyed too, because Zhondrese went from biking and roller blading to just

pushing her bike and toting her roller blades. It was hard for her at first

because she could no longer do the things she was used to doing. She doesn't

know that I gave her bike away yet. She thinks it's in the shed, but I gave

it away because I couldn't handle her miserable face after trying to ride her

bike. My sons wanted me to get a seat to put on back of their bikes so that

they could ride her around, but they are smaller than her. I'm a lil teary

eyed now as I think back on her life before JRA came to visit us. Well, she

is now riding just a lil bit now and asked for a new bike for Christmas. She

said she has out grow the other one, but I not sure she's ready for a 10

speed bike just yet.

Ywellen

[Guest guest]

Ywellen

wait on the 10 speed honey remember melissas size 4 ft 9 inches and 13

years old and in the 8th grade lololol

she rides ONLY a 20 inch bike if any at all i am 5 ft 2 and still only I

will ride a 20 inch also dont get a bike where she cant touch the ground i

will raise the seat up as she grows but i myself feel if she cant touch the

ground the bike is to big and may cause a unNeeded trip to the ER Ywellen

please make this a point when you go get her one

hey i am 37 and will only ride a 20 inch banana seat schwinn bike lololol

the new seats just dont feel right also i built one of melissas bike from

old bike parts and painted it she LOVES the bike you know i made it look

syleish small tire on the front and the big tire on the back and it has

chrome on it with fenders lolololol something no other kid has

Robbin

[Guest guest]

Robbin,

Too late I just bought the 10 speed after I e-mailed you. My brother told me

that the 10 speed would be too big for her, but she wanted a bigger bike.

She's the same height as your daughter too. I started to get the 20in,

because it looked like what she needed, so now I gotta take the 10 speed back

and get what I started to get in the first place.

Thanks,Ywellen

[Guest guest]

Ywellen,

They do have 20 inch 10 speeds. We got one for my older daughter Robyn.

Meghann never did like bikes (although she has used the stationary ones in

therapy). We tried her with the smaller ones with trainers. Her brothers

and sister tried to help her but she was scared of falling and hurting

herself.

Sharon and Meghann

JRA and PRS

[Guest guest]

All I can say about a 10 speed bike is that my first ride ever on one

resulted in me flying over the handle bars! lol I got one for Christmas when

I was 12, and as soon as I hit the brakes I went flying! Needless to say, I

was hurting pretty bad! I never could reach the ground (still can't,

actually! lol) and the seat was as low as it could go, and I still can't

reach! I've always been short, I'm just a little over 5'1. Anyway, just be

careful

[Guest guest]

hi robbin and ywellen, i agree with the elbow and knee pads. the thought of

falling off a bicycle, ouch. i loved mine when i was younger. also, knees

are the worst painwise when an injury occurs. thanks, brandy

________________________________________________________________________________\

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[Guest guest]

I would get the pads too...

Sharon

[Guest guest]

Tess,

I wish I could offer some words to help you. I feel so bad for you. You

are in my prayers.

Lynn (MeMom)

Tess_St_Pierre@... wrote:

> My Dear, Sweet RA Family...I am having numerous bouts of

> depression...not the kind from life events, but from problems in brain

> chemistry. I am on Paxil, and it has been the only antidepressant that

> has really helped...even then, it doesn't help all the time.

>

> Lately, even when I don't feel too badly and nothing traumatic is going

> on, I find myself dropping to that dark place of despair. It goes

> against the very grain of my being, and my faith. For years I saw it as

> a " character flaw " but I have come to accept it, most of the time, as a

> disease.

>

> Sometimes it is hard to tell where the " life stuff " depression ends, and

> the chemical-imbalance depression begins, but I've gotten better at

> distinguishing the two through the years. I also believe the chemical

> depression can be triggered by life events, and chronic illness.

>

> I feel like Ms Jeckyl & Ms.Hyde sometimes as things will be going along

> quite peacefully when POW!..down I go. This has been hard for some of

> my family to understand...including me.

>

> I try to let myself be honest & authentic in each moment...if I'm doing

> ok - Great! If I'm depressed - so be it...express it and deal with it.

> It was a secret for so many years...I'm trying to practice being ok with

> who I am.

>

> Sometimes I'm silly & funny...sometimes I'm blue and introspective. I

> know everyone is like that to a degree...I think in people with

> chemically based depression the changes may just be more noticeable.

>

> So, I'm here with you all, loving everyone of you with all my heart. If

> I didn't believe you felt the same about me, I could never share this.

> This is one of the few places in my life I feel safe to take the mask

> off, at least at times. Thank you for that gift.

>

> Aways...

>

> Tess

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Tess, I am so sorry that you are feeling the blues

again. You are right, every one of us has our ups and

downs but since you have a known chemical imbalance it

must be very hard on you - the highs higher and the

lows lower. I am glad that the Paxil is helping -

have you been in therapy for it as well? Effexor is

helping me with my depression too for which I am very

grateful. I am feeling like myself again after a long

time. You are right, don't try and hide what you are

going through, that makes things so much more harder

to deal with, and your friends and family need you to

be honest with them so they can try and help you deal

with it. This is a great group of people, very

supportive and kind, and I, too, treasure each and

every one - and you, Tess, are one of the most

special! Hang in there, kiddo.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Tess, No one knows better than someone that has been there and still

visits that dark little corner of the world every now and again. You

hang in there and if the Paxil doesn't help, you make sure you let

the Dr. know. (Effexor is great is you can stand the side effects of

going off of it)There is something out there that helps you NEED to

find the right one. If you need to express what you are feeling at

the time you do it! It doesn't matter what other think. If they have

a problem with it they can look the other way. You know what you are

going through and the fact that you have other stresses on your body

does not help. Just keep in mind that there are places to turn to for

help. Hang in there and be around positive people. I will say a

prayer for you.

Lots of big hugs

Keri in MI

> My Dear, Sweet RA Family...I am having numerous bouts of

> depression...not the kind from life events, but from problems in

brain

> chemistry. I am on Paxil, and it has been the only antidepressant

that

> has really helped...even then, it doesn't help all the time.

>

> Lately, even when I don't feel too badly and nothing traumatic is

going

> on, I find myself dropping to that dark place of despair. It goes

> against the very grain of my being, and my faith. For years I saw

it as

> a " character flaw " but I have come to accept it, most of the time,

as a

> disease.

>

> Sometimes it is hard to tell where the " life stuff " depression

ends, and

> the chemical-imbalance depression begins, but I've gotten better at

> distinguishing the two through the years. I also believe the

chemical

> depression can be triggered by life events, and chronic illness.

>

> I feel like Ms Jeckyl & Ms.Hyde sometimes as things will be going

along

> quite peacefully when POW!..down I go. This has been hard for some

of

> my family to understand...including me.

>

> I try to let myself be honest & authentic in each moment...if I'm

doing

> ok - Great! If I'm depressed - so be it...express it and deal with

it.

> It was a secret for so many years...I'm trying to practice being ok

with

> who I am.

>

> Sometimes I'm silly & funny...sometimes I'm blue and

introspective. I

> know everyone is like that to a degree...I think in people with

> chemically based depression the changes may just be more

noticeable.

>

> So, I'm here with you all, loving everyone of you with all my

heart. If

> I didn't believe you felt the same about me, I could never share

this.

> This is one of the few places in my life I feel safe to take the

mask

> off, at least at times. Thank you for that gift.

>

> Aways...

>

> Tess

[Guest guest]

Tess: we love you and will take you anyway we can have

you......Kathi in OK

--- Tess_St_Pierre@... wrote:

> My Dear, Sweet RA Family...I am having numerous

> bouts of

> depression...not the kind from life events, but from

> problems in brain

> chemistry. I am on Paxil, and it has been the only

> antidepressant that

> has really helped...even then, it doesn't help all

> the time.

>

> Lately, even when I don't feel too badly and nothing

> traumatic is going

> on, I find myself dropping to that dark place of

> despair. It goes

> against the very grain of my being, and my faith.

> For years I saw it as

> a " character flaw " but I have come to accept it,

> most of the time, as a

> disease.

>

> Sometimes it is hard to tell where the " life stuff "

> depression ends, and

> the chemical-imbalance depression begins, but I've

> gotten better at

> distinguishing the two through the years. I also

> believe the chemical

> depression can be triggered by life events, and

> chronic illness.

>

> I feel like Ms Jeckyl & Ms.Hyde sometimes as things

> will be going along

> quite peacefully when POW!..down I go. This has

> been hard for some of

> my family to understand...including me.

>

> I try to let myself be honest & authentic in each

> moment...if I'm doing

> ok - Great! If I'm depressed - so be it...express

> it and deal with it.

> It was a secret for so many years...I'm trying to

> practice being ok with

> who I am.

>

> Sometimes I'm silly & funny...sometimes I'm blue and

> introspective. I

> know everyone is like that to a degree...I think in

> people with

> chemically based depression the changes may just be

> more noticeable.

>

> So, I'm here with you all, loving everyone of you

> with all my heart. If

> I didn't believe you felt the same about me, I could

> never share this.

> This is one of the few places in my life I feel safe

> to take the mask

> off, at least at times. Thank you for that gift.

>

> Aways...

>

> Tess

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Tess, I'm very sorry that you struggle so with depression. Of course you

can always come here to safely talk about any aspect of your problems.

I'm glad you feel comfortable doing that with us and I hope that it

helps you in some way.

Do you ever see a counselor or therapist of any kind to help you with

your depression?

[ ] thoughts

> My Dear, Sweet RA Family...I am having numerous bouts of

> depression...not the kind from life events, but from problems in brain

> chemistry. I am on Paxil, and it has been the only antidepressant

that

> has really helped...even then, it doesn't help all the time.

>

> Lately, even when I don't feel too badly and nothing traumatic is

going

> on, I find myself dropping to that dark place of despair. It goes

> against the very grain of my being, and my faith. For years I saw it

as

> a " character flaw " but I have come to accept it, most of the time, as

a

> disease.

>

> Sometimes it is hard to tell where the " life stuff " depression ends,

and

> the chemical-imbalance depression begins, but I've gotten better at

> distinguishing the two through the years. I also believe the chemical

> depression can be triggered by life events, and chronic illness.

>

> I feel like Ms Jeckyl & Ms.Hyde sometimes as things will be going

along

> quite peacefully when POW!..down I go. This has been hard for some of

> my family to understand...including me.

>

> I try to let myself be honest & authentic in each moment...if I'm

doing

> ok - Great! If I'm depressed - so be it...express it and deal with

it.

> It was a secret for so many years...I'm trying to practice being ok

with

> who I am.

>

> Sometimes I'm silly & funny...sometimes I'm blue and introspective. I

> know everyone is like that to a degree...I think in people with

> chemically based depression the changes may just be more noticeable.

>

> So, I'm here with you all, loving everyone of you with all my heart.

If

> I didn't believe you felt the same about me, I could never share this.

> This is one of the few places in my life I feel safe to take the mask

> off, at least at times. Thank you for that gift.

>

> Aways...

>

> Tess

[Guest guest]

That's a very disturbing story, Tess. I'm very sorry that you were

abused by a person you trusted to help you. Maybe you could get a

referral from someone you respect who actually knows the therapist they

recommend? I can understand your reluctance, but you may benefit a great

deal by working with an honest, kind, and experienced professional.

[ ] thoughts

> Hi ...in the mid 80's I was really ill with depression and PTSD.

I

> was seeing a PhD for several years, and this person violated me in

many,

> many ways. I was so confused...too ill to " get it " . I was so messed

up

> and naive, I talked about it to some people (other therapists that led

a

> support group) as though it was perfectly normal. They were SO

> distraught...angry...scared & worried for me. It took a while, but I

> began to understand that the " therapy " was not therapy at all, and I

> sought help. Long story short...The Oregon State Board of

Psychologist

> Examiners made sanctions against this person...last I heard they still

> had to work under supervision all these years later.

>

> I know there are good, moral & ethical therapists...but to be honest,

I

> don't have the emotional energy to risk it...to weed out the wheat

from

> the chaff.

>

> Love...

>

> Tess

[Guest guest]

Tess,

I'm so sorry you're feeling terrible.   I know it is discouraging to again

have these ³ups and downs². You can ride this wave, just as you have

ridden so many waves before. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty

about your depression. I¹m glad you realize it is not a character flaw.

You're much stronger than you realize, and worth so much more than you seem

to think right now. You have inspired many people with your courage and

perseverance, which really comes through in your writings. I¹m happy that

you can come here and ³bare your soul.² Although I think you may benefit

from talking to someone in person, I understand your reluctance considering

what you¹ve been through. Have you thought about online support groups that

deal specifically in depression? You are not alone, for we are here for

you.

Sending big hugs and hoping this wave passes quickly.

a

> My Dear, Sweet RA Family...I am having numerous bouts of

> depression...not the kind from life events, but from problems in brain

> chemistry. I am on Paxil, and it has been the only antidepressant that

> has really helped...even then, it doesn't help all the time.

>

> Lately, even when I don't feel too badly and nothing traumatic is going

> on, I find myself dropping to that dark place of despair. It goes

> against the very grain of my being, and my faith. For years I saw it as

> a " character flaw " but I have come to accept it, most of the time, as a

> disease.

>

> Sometimes it is hard to tell where the " life stuff " depression ends, and

> the chemical-imbalance depression begins, but I've gotten better at

> distinguishing the two through the years. I also believe the chemical

> depression can be triggered by life events, and chronic illness.

>

> I feel like Ms Jeckyl & Ms.Hyde sometimes as things will be going along

> quite peacefully when POW!..down I go. This has been hard for some of

> my family to understand...including me.

>

> I try to let myself be honest & authentic in each moment...if I'm doing

> ok - Great! If I'm depressed - so be it...express it and deal with it.

> It was a secret for so many years...I'm trying to practice being ok with

> who I am.

>

> Sometimes I'm silly & funny...sometimes I'm blue and introspective. I

> know everyone is like that to a degree...I think in people with

> chemically based depression the changes may just be more noticeable.

>

> So, I'm here with you all, loving everyone of you with all my heart. If

> I didn't believe you felt the same about me, I could never share this.

> This is one of the few places in my life I feel safe to take the mask

> off, at least at times. Thank you for that gift.

>

> Aways...

>

> Tess

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Friends...I do have an appointment set with my antidepressant

prescriber to talk about med adjustment or change.

For survivors of childhood abuse, a good site for support is

www.twhj.com. This site is run by a social worker in Oklahoma named

Chapman, and has forums on everything from depression to

spirituality to healing through art to chronic illness, and many more.

The name is The Wonded Healer Journal...LInda first started it to

support other thearpists who were survivors as well. Through the past 7

years it has grown to include any survivor of childhood abuse. It is a

very worthwhile site.

I love you all...

Tess

[Guest guest]

Yes, indeed, dear June. It is such a blessing to be accepted, just as

we are. That is a wonderful gift to give one another.

Love & Hugs....

Tess

[Guest guest]

Dear Tess,

I am sorry that you are having such a painful flare

and glad that you will be able to have your infusion

Tuesday.

It certainly sounds as though you had a good time with

your daughter and grandkids. I think that I will miss

my granddaughter while I am recovering from my knee

surgery. She usually spends 3 days a week with me.

I'm sure that your increased energy level is partly

due to your eating better. Also, the Wellbuitron

could be helping to increase your energy, it does

mine.

You sound so much happier now that your are out

enjoying your life and writing your beautiful poetry.

I hope that this flare is short-lived. Take care, my

friend. Hugs, Iris

--- tess_northwest@... wrote:

> Hi Family...just been thinking on some things...I'm

> in a very painful

> flare - even my hips and legs which don't usually

> hurt, hurt. The pain

> woke me up several times. I've been on Remicade

> about 9 months, I guess,

> and since not being able to have an infusion because

> of my toe

> infection, the RA is reminding me it's only been

> hiding. I do get to

> have my infusion on Tuesday.

>

> Over the last month or so I really feel that I have

> had more energy and

> endurance than I have had for a great long while. I

> can do more, and

> for longer periods. But when I'm done, the

> exhaustion truly knocks me

> out. I saw my eldest daughter & grandkids this

> weekend, and took myself

> on a loooong ride parallel to the Columbia

> River...stopped in the little

> town where my folks live, and came home. I was

> hurting yet I had some

> 'energy' I'm not used to. Once I did get home, holy

> cow I was beat,

> beat, beat. I slept a long time, waking several

> times from pain then

> going back to sleep, then had 2 naps today.

>

> This is such a different experience for me. For a

> long time I really

> didn't do much. I know part of it was the

> depression...and I'm grateful

> the Wellbutron has helped. I think trying to eat in

> a more healthy

> manner has helped, too. And I seem to have more

> peace and acceptance of

> myself...I don't " beat myself up " nearly as often

> nor as harshly.

> Writing the poetry has really been a wonderful

> experience...I thought

> perhaps I'd not be able to do it any more. My

> heartfelt thanks for all

> your loving encouragement.

>

> I guess I'm learning there's no age limit to

> learning, if your heart is

> open. At least I know there's hope. Please remind

> me of that if I lose

> sight along the way.

>

> All My Love....

>

> Tess

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dearest Tess,

I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that it doesn't last long. I also

have a habit of doing too much when I am feeling better. Try to get some

rest.

(((((((Tess)))))))

Love ya

Stacey in PA

[Guest guest]

HI,

My son was diagnosed back in October - they put him on 6 weeks of Dioxcycline

he has been off since Dec. 20th - All the joint swelling is gone but his

joints still hurt - he had the blood test done from Bowen Research and it was

positive - our Dr wants to rerun the test in a few weeks to see if the levels

raise. We are not seeing a LLD. He (dr.) feels Jordan (my son) is Feeling ok

so

not to do anything until he is not feeling well.

I guess my question for most is how long after being treated did you start

feeling bad again. Is there a cycle time??? Or could he go a year without

feeling too bad?? This is our first battle with this disease.

Kim

[Guest guest]

Hi Kim, I would have to say everyone is different. I've been dealing with lymes

since July 2003, which isn't that long in the sceme of things but, seems like

forever to me! The longest I have gone is approx. 2 and a half months. I would

say to tread cautiously and watch for any symptoms. I hope this helps.

K476@... wrote:HI,

My son was diagnosed back in October - they put him on 6 weeks of Dioxcycline

he has been off since Dec. 20th - All the joint swelling is gone but his

joints still hurt - he had the blood test done from Bowen Research and it was

positive - our Dr wants to rerun the test in a few weeks to see if the levels

raise. We are not seeing a LLD. He (dr.) feels Jordan (my son) is Feeling ok

so

not to do anything until he is not feeling well.

I guess my question for most is how long after being treated did you start

feeling bad again. Is there a cycle time??? Or could he go a year without

feeling too bad?? This is our first battle with this disease.

Kim

[Guest guest]

Kim

YOu need a LLMD and now. Don't hesitate. They are the only ones that have the

true knowledge of how to treat this. I wasted too much precious time w/a Gen

Practioner. Just tell us what state you are in and someone can refer you.

Re: [ ] thoughts

HI,

My son was diagnosed back in October - they put him on 6 weeks of Dioxcycline

he has been off since Dec. 20th - All the joint swelling is gone but his

joints still hurt - he had the blood test done from Bowen Research and it was

positive - our Dr wants to rerun the test in a few weeks to see if the levels

raise. We are not seeing a LLD. He (dr.) feels Jordan (my son) is Feeling ok

so

not to do anything until he is not feeling well.

I guess my question for most is how long after being treated did you start

feeling bad again. Is there a cycle time??? Or could he go a year without

feeling too bad?? This is our first battle with this disease.

Kim

[Guest guest]

Kath, I hope you are still planning to see a rheumatologist for his/her

opinion on what your diagnosis is and what the best treatment options

would be.

I have nothing against naturopathic physicians or

alternative/complementary medicine; furthermore,

alternative/complementary approaches need not be undertaken entirely

independently of conventional medicine strategies.

Has anyone taken x-rays or other imaging of your hands and/or feet?

Great caution is advised, for I know of no alternative/complementary

treatment proven to slow or halt erosive RA.

Arthritis Foundation

Arthritis Today

" More Than Medicine "

Some rheumatologists are changing their approach. Using " integrative

medicine, " they treat the whole patient.

http://www.arthritis.org/resources/arthritistoday/2001_archives/2001_03_04_MoreT\

hanMedicine.asp

I'll tell you where to go!

Mayo Clinic in Rochester

http://www.mayoclinic.org/rochester

s Hopkins Medicine

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org

[ ] thoughts

> I am only posting this so that if anyone reads it and they want to try

this, they can. It may or may not be for you at all. I am a firm

believer that we are all individuals and need to do whatever we need to

do to best suit our own bodies and doctor treatments.

>

> I saw a naturopathic doctor today for my RA diagnosis. We talked for

45 minutes. Bottom line - he believes that my RA came on because my

body is so toxic from long term untreated constipation. He thinks that

with the right treatment, I can become balanced again and hopefully the

arthritis will disappear. I do know that since I've been doing a colon

cleanse my hands hurt far far less than they did before. And, I'm off

the prednisone now too! I was taking 20 mg a day just to be able to

function and sleep.

>

> So - Don't rule out alternative medicines. But, if you are having

good progress now with your treatment, stick with it!! I just wanted to

share so maybe someone would be encouraged.

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kath

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath,

Never thought about that, but it does seem to make sense somehow. Considering

the fact that our body is like our residental " home " , if it's left unclean,

anything may come out of that....poor breathing, disease, etc. Why can't the

" human " house be affected the same way?

Kath, I sure don't mean to be gross, but how is a " Colon cleansing " done?

Wow, and congrads on coming off the prednisone! That sounds like a wonderful

beginning! It would be wonderful is anyone of us kicks the RA and the like.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Jefersea

[ ] thoughts

I am only posting this so that if anyone reads it and they want to try this,

they can. It may or may not be for you at all. I am a firm believer that we

are all individuals and need to do whatever we need to do to best suit our own

bodies and doctor treatments.

I saw a naturopathic doctor today for my RA diagnosis. We talked for 45

minutes. Bottom line - he believes that my RA came on because my body is so

toxic from long term untreated constipation. He thinks that with the right

treatment, I can become balanced again and hopefully the arthritis will

disappear. I do know that since I've been doing a colon cleanse my hands hurt

far far less than they did before. And, I'm off the prednisone now too! I was

taking 20 mg a day just to be able to function and sleep.

So - Don't rule out alternative medicines. But, if you are having good

progress now with your treatment, stick with it!! I just wanted to share so

maybe someone would be encouraged.

Thanks,

Kath

[Guest guest]

8:30 EST...! Lets all dance!

Dave <dhz920@...> wrote:

Great stuff!!! Maybe I'll do a little jig myself in your honor... We know it's no easy road pat yourself on the back for getting through it. -dz-Sharon Colburn <smc203@...> wrote:

Hi All,

Couldn't sleep again, think I'm trying some Tylenol PM tonight.

My last shot is tonight! I think I'll do a dance if I can muster the energy!

It's been a bad week for me, both mentally and physically. I feel like I have the flu.

I've been trying to figure out what has been bothering me so much lately. I feel like I should be happier than I have in the last six months. Maybe the fact I will never be able to trust my husband to take care of me when I get sick. He told me last week how happy he was that this will all be over soon. I translate that to he is happy I can get back to work, keep up with the house work, make his dinners and do his laundry. Buy groceries, keep up with my pets and car needs. Run with him when he wants company. You know...so he can work and play with his friends and not have another care in the world. He has come home after drinking and hanging with his buddies and wasn't ready to quit for the night and got mad at me for not wanting to go out (I guess he needed a driver). I heard "You never want to do anything anymore"! It hasn't been that long! He gets all my attention I can give, but it hasn't been good enough. I agreed with him that I am also glad this is coming to an

end. I won't have to fight him to buy some groceries or clean the carpets (I refuse to let my house smell like we have dogs). I also told him that he'd better never get sick, what comes around, goes around. I don't know if I can truly be like that, but it's a nice notion. I get the feeling he thinks I have stayed home for a vacation. He complains when he gets a nick on his hand. I (as have alot of you) have been stuck by needles more in the past 6 months then all the rest of my life. Not to mention all the sides.

A friend of my husbands, a man he has worked with for years...his wife has been fighting cancer for a long time. She now may loose her feet to diabetes, and has started kemo again for the cancer. She is not doing well at all. This man lives in the city to work and visits home a couple times a month. I became angry when I heard this. Blew up at my husband asking what is wrong with you men? His friends wife could die soon and her husband is living in the city. My husbands response.. they have to have money. I don't get it. It seems they move on with their lives so they are covered in case anything happens. So they don't have to face the truth? It's too inconvenient for them? Then my husband finds out two men at his job have HCV. Suddenly his is concerned. Suddenly I'm getting attention and he is asking what can he do for me. It's a little late now, I'm nearly done and don't care anymore if it all gets done or not. Did he not believe I needed rest, and could not keep up

with everything? I've never stayed home (aside from a day here and there) from work for anything. My house is never dirty, clothes are clean, dinner is on the table. Yard is clean and mowed most of the time. These things never bothered me. Now I'm not so sure he should be so spoiled. I've never felt so alone.

Thanks all of you for letting me vent and taking me in. I appreciate each of you. I really wish I had found you in the beginning of this. I hope for all people going through any illness they don't have to be alone but I know many do and for much worse circumstances than what I have been through. I feel for them. You are a wonderful and caring group of people.

Peace...SharonC

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