Re: Participation???

[Guest guest]

Kathy,

My husband wants me to ask you what you mean when you say participation in

bedtime rituals. asks for participation in two ways. One way is to

help him to give in to his ocd, ie. -- help him get dressed. The other way

is to help him resist (exposure) the ocd, by not allowing him to give in.

Does helping him not give in to his ocd mean we are still participating?

understands that is important to resist, but finds it very hard at

times. When we allow him to perform some rituals, he will often ask, Why

are you letting me do this? When he asks for help, it is often help to

resist giving in to his ocd. When we do help set limits on shower time,

dressing time, etc, he is usually better off at the end of the night.

Pat

----------

> From: Kathy Hammes <kathyh@...>

> egroups

> Subject: Re: and Lesli

> Date: Monday, April 10, 2000 12:32 AM

>

> Hi Pat:

>

> What you describe sounds very familiar to me and happened in our house a

> lot. Bedtime can be very rough when OCD is running things and life feels

> like it is just unravelling.

>

> Enabling is a rather judgemental term IMO. It is only natural for

parents

> to try to protect their kids and calm them down when they are upset. I

> prefer to call enabling, participating in OCD. That is also a rather

> judgemental term but is more descriptive.

>

> Needing help getting into the shower and dressing are not age appropriate

> behaviors for your son. That is a clue that OCD is bossing him around

and

> making him afraid to do this for himself. Until you know how high up on

> his hierarchy these symptoms are, you do run the risk of flooding

> (involuntary exposure with accompanying very high anxiety and OCD

meltdown)

> if you stop participating in these OCD symptoms. We had to decide to do

> this anyway as Steve refused to share his hierarchy with us.

>

> I also believe it is cruel to stop participating without explaining your

> motivation. Even so when we did this with Steve he did misinterpret our

> actions as not loving him. Now he says he is very grateful that we did

> what had to be done.

>

> A helpful rule is that any question (no matter how skillfully reworded to

> seem like something new) only gets one answer. Then second and

subsequent

> askings of the same question are responded to by non-participation. For

> example you can say, honey you know that Dr. X told us that we can only

> answer your questions once, or you can say, is that OCD asking the

question

> or you? We also would say, sorry but we cannot participate in OCD. IT

may

> seem heartless but it is the OCD that is being heartless not you.

>

> I know how hard this is but I found when I lost it, cried, got angry,

> freaked out or whatever, it made Steve's OCD worse. So I learned to do

> these things away from him, many late night walks in our neighborhood so

I

> could let go of heavy emotions, or trips to the office where I could sob

> endlessly away from the entire family. Your husband is doing a good job

of

> setting limits on the OCD and not letting it boss him around. We all

need

> a good night's sleep (or as close as we can come) to have the energy and

> resources to cope with a new day.

>

> It is very typical for kids to interpret not participating in rituals as

> their not being loved. What helps is to characterize OCD as the problem

> and team up together to boss back the OCD. It is OCD not your child who

is

> asking for reassurance and teaching your son to identify the problem as

OCD

> and not him is an important start in getting successful treatment.

>

> One of the first things Steve's psychiatrist got me to do was stop

> participating in his bedtime rituals and at the time I thought the doc

was

> heartless but that was what needed to happen. I was so worried Steve

would

> get so depressed he would make a successful suicide attempt and I thought

> this was sufficient reason for me to continue participating even if it

was

> not good for OCD. I had to learn the tough lesson that I had to stop

> participating in bedtime rituals no matter what.

>

> Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

> kathyh@...

>

> At 10:37 AM 04/09/2000 -0400, you wrote:

> >

> >I would like to know more about enableing. When my son tells me he

needs

> >help getting in to the shower and putting on his colthes and so on I

alway

> >go, am i not supose to help him, I feel like he is in pain and I just

want

> >to help to take it away. Last night my husband refused to help him, he

was

> >tired and has to work today, I told jonathan that I wish he would let me

> >help him because I am more patience and I would lay with him, I feel if

I

> >was the one that he wanted it would be less stressful for him. I can't

> >bear to here him cry with pain, last night I started to cry, He said,

see

> >I'm making you cry, He was screaming I wish I could die, please kill me

> >and so on the stress level was so bad for me, I started to cry, It

killed

> >me to here him say that. I told him I love him so much and I don't want

> >anything to happen to him. After we got over the big hump, and he was

in

> >his bed he yelled out to me and said Mom I don't want to die I was only

> >kidding, I say I don't want you to either, then he said don't kill me, I

> >said I wouldn't do that I love you, He asked does daddy love me, I said

> >very much, He said I don't think so he's being mean to me, I told him

that

> >his father has to rest to, and needs a break, My husband slept

downstairs

> >by the way I know it is very loud up stairs till Jona gets to sleep, It

can

> >be hard when you have to work in the morning, It was 1.oo am.

> >

> >Now I don't know if I am hurting him by wanting to help him, but his

crys

> >rip me up inside I just want to take him and hold him, but I can't I am

> >contamiated.

> >

> >Pat

>

> >

>

>

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