Re: Pat/enabling

[Guest guest]

Hi Pat,

Finding a place to stop enabling your son's OCD is tricky business! I think the

starting place is for you to increase your own awareness (and his!) of all the

times that OCD is requiring your " help. " I cannot remember if you have begun CBT

yet for your son, but I found this to be an excellent way to begin

extricating from the process.

For instance, using the March protocol, your son would name his OCD and

externalize it. My daughter Kelsey called hers " the bad guy. " Then I began to

say, " Oh no! It looks like the bad guy is going to make you wash again! There he

goes, trying to trick you into thinking you're not clean enough, when you really

are.

No, I'm afraid I can't get you new soap. That would be helping him be mean to

you. I'm on your side…not his! "

The child begins to get angry, noticing how much OCD is bullying them...but

feels supported by you in their effort to win out. I think the CBT framework is

critical. It won't make things better if you just flat out refuse to participate

without the therapy. I'm certainly not suggesting you do the rituals as that

reinforces the OCD. But without the therapy, they are simply anxious and

frustrated. Almost any behavior can be worked on right away with CBT. They just

need to be broken down into small pieces if their biggies.

By putting the hierarchy in place, you both have a sense of what's doable to

work on. Again, the child feels supported because you won't be overwhelming them

with your demands to stop things that are too hard. I believe it will really

change your family dynamic. Since your husband is the non-contaminated one, he

could really show his love and support by participating in the therapy if he's

willing. With a little training, he can learn how to keep doing what he's

already doing (i.e not participating) but in a more supportive way that will

help your child triumph, instead of just feeling rejected like he does now. In

the

meantime, you could make it a family goal to work on you becoming less

contaminated so that eventually you can support his efforts too. This will make

you feel less helpless and frustrated. Your older son might also be willing to

participate if he sees this as a way to help his brother stop those annoying

behaviors!

I realize you're in crisis mode and this isn't a quick fix. But it is definitely

worthwhile to start taking those baby steps which will heal your family and your

son. I am one who went outside my HMO and have spent thousands on therapy (and

we're by no means wealthy!), but I wanted the right doc for Kelsey and it

sure paid off.

Hope this helps,

in San Diego