Perfectionism @ school-to in Canada

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From: W. Birkhan <wb4@...>

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Sent: Saturday, September 02, 2000 10:25 AM

Hi ,

Yes, making mistakes on things intentionally did affect Mike's overall

grade-once! It was in math. And the last marking period I quit checking to

make sure his homework was done, so he missed things that did affect his

grade. I am so fortunate that this school has an after school homework

program. In fact, the one Mike goes to is required because he is

classified. In this program there is a special ed teacher and teacher's

aide. They really helped alot with his organizational skills-go to the

room, get out your assignment book, check for the right books and notebooks,

get started....But the other kids know which kids go upstairs (classified

kids) for homework class, and which stay downstairs(unclassified kids). And

kids are mean, as they think all kids who are classified are " stupid " . And

the name calling hurts him and affects his already low self esteem. So I

intervened with the principal-kids have a right to an education, classified

or unclassified, without being harassed. Things got a little better.

Another thing I did the last month of school, was stop going back to get

things he forgot-like books. Mike got independent, told the special ed

teacher he had all his stuff, and the times he got checked he did, the other

times he didn't! Of course I didn't know this until I took a stand. In the

beginning, I was tolerant of his unpreparedness. After the first couple

months of school, would have to buy me lunch, after I took him to

school a dozen times. I got a few lunches off him! The last month, I quit

going back for books on the advice of the CBT. That was really hard. Not

that his track record got any better but he did allow the special ed teacher

to check his stuff, and he learned that not doing homework would affect his

grade-2 B's last quarter. See, he thought he was going to slid by with A's

by not studying for tests, yes that is fine, but the homework issue was

dependent on everyone but . Of course, I am not heartless, if Mike

was not 'stable', with his ocd or bi-polar, I adjusted the plan with

guidance from the school psychologist and the CBT. I said we could stretch

and push Mike, but I didn't want to push him into the hospital. And by the

end of the year, Mike had been pushed to his potential, which was further

than anyone thought it would be (emotionally and coping skill wise). I hope

this makes sense. So after the first week or two of school, we will set the

agenda, and see what happens. This is his prep for being 'grown-up' which

he tells me all the time he is, don't treat him like a baby. So if you want

teen priveledges, you can't chose baby behaviors when it suits you or feeds

into your ocd perfectionism. I always tell him, no one will rescue me or

his dad when we forget something we need for work. Dad is the famous

forgetter in our house! And we let him know what happens to us. It is

really great that dad is the forgetter, because he is a perfectionist; but

of course he does not have ocd.

Take care and hugs, in NJ