Feeling useless right now

[Guest guest]

I feel like I am falling apart, I am still battling depression which I

think is getting worse, I am going to talk to my primary care doctor

about it Tues. when I go for my follow-up.

First of all there is some good news my daughters neuro visit went

really well, the medications that he prescribed for her migraines are

working really well and he was very pleased with the results. We also

got the report back from her MRI and it was normal.

My neuro visit was depressing, my primary care doctor had thought my

symptoms could possibly indicate multiple sclerosis and/or Lupus, the

neuro does not think it is MS, he does agree with my primary doctor

that it might be Lupus, so he ordered 11 blood tests, and he wants to

test me now for muscular dystrophy, myasthenia gravis, and Lou

Gehrig's disease. I go in two weeks for that testing to be done, and I

go in a week to have urodynamics testing done. I had to put on a gown

at the neuro's office and I was so shocked at my legs, I guess the

lighting in our house is really very, very dim and I had not noticed

how bad my legs were looking, but the light was very bright at his

office and my legs looked awful they had reddish purple spots on them,

I have had little sores that have left purple scars, and the whole

upper part of my legs had a purple tint to them, my feet were very

pale and just the tips of my toes were very red, and I also had a few

very tiny purple and red spots on my feet.

I know I am not a doctor but I have looked up the symptoms for MS, and

the three diseases that the neuro wants to check for and I have at

least 90-95% of the symptoms of MS, maybe about 75% of the symptoms of

myasthenia gravis, and probably only 10-15% of the symptoms of Lou

Gehrig's disease and muscular dystrophy. I also realize that a great

deal of diseases have similar symptoms. But after my testing is

completed I may ask my primary care doctor for another referral to

another neuro to get a second opinion.

My day went downhill from the time I got up this morning, I have felt

so useless today. I made so many mistakes at work it wasn't even

remotely like me. Then when I got home our storm door handle broke and

I was going to fix it so my husband wouldn't have to fool with it when

he got home from work, since he was working late. I had replaced it

before so I knew I could do it took me nearly an hour to get it

replaced, last time it took me about 5-10 minutes. For some reason

though when I opened the package and took everything out my mind went

totally blank and I couldn't remember how to even get the thing

together and the directions didn't even seem to help, it was like my

brain had completely shut down. Well I finally got the thing replaced,

but I was so upset after that episode that I was in tears, and when my

husband got home I was in a tizzy. I told him I was useless, and that

I couldn't even handle a simple task anymore. He and my daughter both

did not know how to react to that outburst and I feel bad now that I

said it because I know it hurt them, because they saw me hurting and

upset, they tried to calm me down, but I couldn't help the outburst, I

felt like I was completely at the " end of my rope " and totally useless

to my family or anyone for that matter. I have finally calmed down a

little, still feeling very useless, but at least a little calmer. I am

having quiet a bit of pain right now, and my husband and daughter both

told me I tried to do too much today.

I have had flare ups of my symptoms off and on for several years now,

but I have never had them last for four months and the symptoms are

just getting worse every day. I know a lot of times it takes years to

get a diagnosis, but at this time I just want to know what is wrong

with me, so that the doctors can treat it and at least see if I can

feel a little better, and maybe have one day or at least a few hours

without pain.

Sorry that this was another long post, but it seems to help to get all

of my feelings out.

You are all in my thoughts every day and I hope you all are doing well.

Take care,

Shelarean

[Guest guest]

I know how it feels to feel useless. Today was a bad day for me too.

Worst bit is I shouldn't be depressed i should be happy. I got into

the University course i wanted to do, in the first round of offers,

which is supposed to be a good thing, right? You would think i would

be happy but i am exactly the opposite. I am convinced i am going to

fail already and i only just accepted my offer. I have spent most of

the day going in and out of panic attacks and my eyes are stinging

from crying so much. *sigh* I am absolutly terrified at the thought

of going beck to uni. The last attempt at a university course ended

badly. Terribly in fact. Long story short, I had a seizure in the

middle of one of the enrolment offices and embarresed the s*^$ out of

myself. I know it sounds petty but for anyone who has ever had a

seizure in public you will know it is anything less than petty. After

that I just never went back, never un-erolled, never set foot on the

campus ever again. I lost an awful lot of money too. *sigh* I can

only hope for a better round this time huh...

~Tilly