How Your Child Can Push Back Bullies

[Guest guest]

May 21, 2005 from the Los Angeles Times

latimes.com : Opinion : Commentary

How Your Child Can Push Back Bullies

By Stacey L. Centorbi

I was bullied in school and in the workplace, and have been the

victim of domestic violence.

How can it be stopped? By not being a victim. Without a victim, there

is no bully. How can I ensure my daughter is never a victim? How can

parents raise self-empowered, positive kids?

The most important step is to demand proper treatment, and to do that

you have to know your rights.

I spoke with a local law enforcement officer about victims' rights in

cases of schoolyard bullying. Initially it is up to the school

whether or not to contact law enforcement. If you feel the school or

parents have not handled the situation adequately, you can file

assault or battery charges on behalf of your child. Depending on the

severity of the offense, the bully could be remanded to a counseling

program, community service or probation. Very rarely are bullies put

into juvenile detention centers.

Bullying is not just a rite of passage; many adults carry the scars

of bullying. It is imperative that both the bully and the victim be

given mandatory counseling. If your child is resorting to aggression,

there may be other problems that need to be dealt with. If your child

is the victim, make sure that she understands the importance of

standing up for herself. A victim left uncounseled can become

depressed, self-hating, insecure and suicidal in severe cases. A

bully left uncounseled can become an abusive spouse or co-worker or a

criminal.

If your child is the victim of bullying, here is a checklist that

will help you make sure the proper issues are handled.

• What was the exact situation; did it involve verbal abuse only?

• If it was verbal only, speak with the school counselor in person.

Ask what measures were taken in regard to the bully (parents

notified, etc.).

• Let your child know the outcome, and discuss her feelings.

• If you or your child feel the steps taken were not enough, request

a meeting with the other child and the parents, with the counselor as

a mediator. It is important for the victim to be able to confront the

bully with a support system in place.

If the situation included physical assault, intimidation or threats

of violence, the course of action should be slightly different.

• The school should contact you and apprise you of the situation

immediately. Set up a meeting with the school counselor, the parents

and the bully for the next day.

• Speak to your child before the meeting. If there was actual

physical contact or threats of violence, be prepared to report it to

the police.

• During the meeting, find out if the school has filed a police

report. Ask the parents what they plan to do for punishment for this

behavior. If you are not satisfied with their answer, be ready with

what you think would be fair punishment, including mandatory

counseling. If the parents balk, let them know that you will be

filing a police report to ensure that there is proof of abuse.

• If you must file a complaint with the police, let your child do

most of the talking. It is important for the child to be involved

with this process. Ask the officer what will happen to the bully if

there is a repeat incident.

• Find counseling for your child outside of the school to help him

or her establish a positive self-image and learn boundary-setting,

etc.

Do not take any case of bullying lightly. Every child should have the

right to pursue an education without constant threats of physical and

verbal abuse.

If your child is a bully and you do not get counseling for him, be

prepared for worse behavior. If your child is using aggression, then

you may be the next target. It is your duty as a parent to support,

raise and love your children, but it is also your job to recognize

that your child might be a bully or a victim and seek help.

Stacey L. Centorbi lives in Laguna Hills.