Re: Joni - 'Self-contained' classroom

[Guest guest]

Joni -

What with everything I've read tonight (!) what problems did

have last year in class exactly - just that he needed more time to

accomplish things or that he wouldn't do any work.....?

This is a really hard decision - self-esteem will play a big part in

how he does in school; friends; but if he CAN'T keep up with the

regular class - then what?

I've thought about my - if you remember anything I've said

before, it was ME writing all the homework and classwork he brought

home while he gave me the answers; doing all the chapter reading

aloud if they hadn't read it aloud in class.... So I've thought about

what if they want special ed for him - which they probably would

if " I " wasn't helping so much... And I do NOT know what my answer

would be. I THINK for elementary and middle school, I'd still leave

it up to . But that's probably only because I wouldn't be

able to make up my OWN mind about it!! Plus I know he's capable of

the work; but I don't know if he's got it IN HIM to do it - he seems

to give in to OCD so easily instead of fighting back!! And I pick up

the slack!

I know you'll let us all know what the outcome is. Good luck! Just

to mention a thought that sometimes helps me - sometimes there is

no " right " or " wrong " decision - sometimes it's just a decision.

in N.C.

> > Joni:

> >

> > You have all of the concerns Fred and I had. I think you

should

> really contemplate 's teacher's suggestion of starting in self-

> contained and then moving him up to the regular class if it seems

> he's not being challenged. You may want to call the school to see

if

> you can change your initial decision NOT to have him in the self-

> contained class ( hope I understood that correctly). would

also

> fight me terribly with homework prior to him attending the self-

> contained class. There he found out he could learn and wants to

> learn more so he can be somewhat at the same level as his age group

> (even though we know he won't catch up, we know he can gain the

same

> knowledge but not in the time frame or manner given in the regular

> classroom). Also, I tell and his brother they cannot play

with

> friends until they read 2 books and do 2 worksheets or flashcards.

> As far as the paraprofessionals, the number of them in the

classrooms

> depends on the size of the class and the needs of the students. In

> our schools we have a lot of paraprofessionals in classrooms where

> kids need extra help, or even in the media centers, library, etc.

I

> will contact 's teacher to find out if there are laws regarding

> required paraprofessionals in the classroom, etc.? If there is

> anything else you would like me to ask her, let me know.

> >

> > If I haven't answered all of your questions, please write me

> back.

> >

> > Good luck & take care!!

> >

> > Tamra (ocdmom2001)

> > Omaha

> > ----- Original Message -----

[Guest guest]

>

> Joni -

> What with everything I've read tonight (!) what problems did

> have last year in class exactly - just that he needed more time to

> accomplish things or that he wouldn't do any work.....?

> This is a really hard decision - self-esteem will play a big part

in

> how he does in school; friends; but if he CAN'T keep up with the

> regular class - then what?

**** If he can't keep up, then they'll recommend self-contained

AGAIN, and I can choose to decline AGAIN. Or, if thinks he

NEEDS self-contained--- that's where I'll send him. Right now, he

says NO- he doesn't need it, and he's ready to be a BIG BOY!

We'll see....

About the 'problems' in school-- it was BOTH-- he needed more time

AND he wouldn't do SOME of the work, especially homework. But, I

can't blame that entirely on . WE did this to him and are

partly to blame because we were a family IN CRISIS from Sept-March.

His OCD was OUT OF CONTROL and so were WE. We became worn out trying

to ENABLE his condition. I was reassuring him constantly - at least

20 times an hour that he wasn't going to get sick, and " NO-- you're

not going to THROW-UP ALREADY!! " So, when it was time to do his

homework, do you think I really cared?? Hell no! I was

completely WORN OUT!! When it was time for him to go to bed, did I

MAKE him go to bed? HECK NO. I was conked OUT on the sofa-- in a

coma!!! When he was late for school and taking showers that were

too long-- did I force his butt OUT of the shower? Nope-- I wanted

to go back to sleep and PRETEND that NONE of this was happening (can

we say DENIAL?) I was depressed and so was my husband and we

LOST control. The problems in school were the same as home-- where

they originated-- he didn't want to do classwork (I'm too tired. I'm

too sleepy. I have OCD, I'm gonna throw-up, my hand hurts, I can't

do it, whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah...) thought

THEY'D buy into it too and say, like we did, 'it's ok, honey. You're

not feeling well today!' Ugh!! When I think back at how sick *I*

was at the time, no wonder he had so many problems!!!

So, we feel PARTLY responsible for what happened this year-- and we

ARE! Enabling only makes a condition, no matter WHAT the condition

is, WORSE. We are now BACK IN CHARGE, and we don't give a RIP what

his excuses are anymore. He's gonna do what *he's* GOT to do -- no

more EXCUSES! And, LIKES the new IN CHARGE Mom and Dad. As we

feel more in control-- he feels more in control too. The less

we 'baby' him and enable him-- the better he gets. The more we

believe in his capabilities, the more HE believes in himself too!

>

> I've thought about my - if you remember anything I've said

> before, it was ME writing all the homework and classwork he brought

> home while he gave me the answers; doing all the chapter reading

> aloud if they hadn't read it aloud in class.... So I've thought

about

> what if they want special ed for him - which they probably would

> if " I " wasn't helping so much... And I do NOT know what my answer

> would be. I THINK for elementary and middle school, I'd still

leave

> it up to . But that's probably only because I wouldn't be

> able to make up my OWN mind about it!! Plus I know he's capable of

> the work; but I don't know if he's got it IN HIM to do it - he

seems

> to give in to OCD so easily instead of fighting back!! And I pick

up

> the slack!

*** I have to warn you here. I've got two older sons (age 19 and 17)

and I used to 'help' too much too. That turned into a monster.

(17, with ADHD) used to 'make' me do his homework on the

computer. He'd sit with me and I'd type up all of his reports

(thinking to myself-- this poor kid can't do it! RIGHT!) Yes he

COULD!!! Well, NOW that I'm not doing that anymore, you know what

he's saying to me? " I'm going to QUIT school if you don't HELP "

What a line of BS! I said, 'quit and see how far you go, PAL!' If I

were you, I'd slowly back out of all the help you're giving

and BELIEVE in him that HE CAN DO IT. Afterall, it's not YOUR

homework-- it's HIS. When he's 30, will you have to be doing his JOB

for him?

When you pick up the slack-- it turns them into SLACKERS! He'll

marry a woman one day and expect HER to pick up the SLACK. He'll get

HER to write his stuff out, or type it up... and if she's smart,

she'll LEAVE his butt and divorce him!!! I'm being silly-- but

you know what I'm talking about. We, as parents, have to learn to

LET GO once they are BORN. It's a letting go process from the first

breath, the first step, the first car, the first heartbreak and the

first day at college. It's our jobs to PREPARE them to be

INDEPENDENT. We can support, remind them of their choices, but we

shouldn't enable, no matter what their conditions are. It wears us

down. It makes us resentful and TIRED. Suddenly-- we don't like our

kids anymore! And, they don't like us! They get more and more

and MORE dependent on US to do the work for them. And, what kind of

parent is that? And, I was there once--- and I almost RUINED

by thinking he couldn't do it and enabled his condition. I'm glad

I'm BACK!! And, I feel better about ME. 'The sickness of others can

make US sick'-- and I was really SICK and depressed early this year.

And, I stopped taking care of MYSELF-- and taking care of OTHERS too

much (co-dependency) -- which is a form of self-abandonment!!

And you're right-- there is no 'right' or wrong' decision. It's just

a decision. THANKS Chris!!! (((hugs)))

Joni

[Guest guest]

Joni,

As usual, your post brought a nod and a smile. Are you sure you

weren't living in OUR house last year?!? My heart was quite

literally weighted down with the pressure I was creating within

myself as I heliocoptered around. I used to ask my family, " How can

you stand to hear me talk...I can't even stand to hear myself talk! "

Since I have learned to disengage, I can actually breathe again. As

we approach the upcoming school year, I am a bit nervous...last year

was so awful. But I feel better prepared to deal with it as a

competant parent and not a second-hand victim of OCD.

Melinda S.

Dallas

> >

> > Joni -

> > What with everything I've read tonight (!) what problems did

> > have last year in class exactly - just that he needed more time

to

> > accomplish things or that he wouldn't do any work.....?

> > This is a really hard decision - self-esteem will play a big part

> in

> > how he does in school; friends; but if he CAN'T keep up with the

> > regular class - then what?

>

> **** If he can't keep up, then they'll recommend self-contained

> AGAIN, and I can choose to decline AGAIN. Or, if thinks he

> NEEDS self-contained--- that's where I'll send him. Right now, he

> says NO- he doesn't need it, and he's ready to be a BIG BOY!

> We'll see....

>

> About the 'problems' in school-- it was BOTH-- he needed more time

> AND he wouldn't do SOME of the work, especially homework. But, I

> can't blame that entirely on . WE did this to him and are

> partly to blame because we were a family IN CRISIS from Sept-

March.

> His OCD was OUT OF CONTROL and so were WE. We became worn out

trying

> to ENABLE his condition. I was reassuring him constantly - at

least

> 20 times an hour that he wasn't going to get sick, and " NO-- you're

> not going to THROW-UP ALREADY!! " So, when it was time to do his

> homework, do you think I really cared?? Hell no! I was

> completely WORN OUT!! When it was time for him to go to bed, did I

> MAKE him go to bed? HECK NO. I was conked OUT on the sofa-- in a

> coma!!! When he was late for school and taking showers that

were

> too long-- did I force his butt OUT of the shower? Nope-- I wanted

> to go back to sleep and PRETEND that NONE of this was happening

(can

> we say DENIAL?) I was depressed and so was my husband and we

> LOST control. The problems in school were the same as home-- where

> they originated-- he didn't want to do classwork (I'm too tired.

I'm

> too sleepy. I have OCD, I'm gonna throw-up, my hand hurts, I can't

> do it, whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah...) thought

> THEY'D buy into it too and say, like we did, 'it's ok, honey.

You're

> not feeling well today!' Ugh!! When I think back at how sick *I*

> was at the time, no wonder he had so many problems!!!

> So, we feel PARTLY responsible for what happened this year-- and we

> ARE! Enabling only makes a condition, no matter WHAT the condition

> is, WORSE. We are now BACK IN CHARGE, and we don't give a RIP what

> his excuses are anymore. He's gonna do what *he's* GOT to do -- no

> more EXCUSES! And, LIKES the new IN CHARGE Mom and Dad. As

we

> feel more in control-- he feels more in control too. The less

> we 'baby' him and enable him-- the better he gets. The more we

> believe in his capabilities, the more HE believes in himself too!

>

> >

> > I've thought about my - if you remember anything I've

said

> > before, it was ME writing all the homework and classwork he

brought

> > home while he gave me the answers; doing all the chapter reading

> > aloud if they hadn't read it aloud in class.... So I've thought

> about

> > what if they want special ed for him - which they probably would

> > if " I " wasn't helping so much... And I do NOT know what my answer

> > would be. I THINK for elementary and middle school, I'd still

> leave

> > it up to . But that's probably only because I wouldn't be

> > able to make up my OWN mind about it!! Plus I know he's capable

of

> > the work; but I don't know if he's got it IN HIM to do it - he

> seems

> > to give in to OCD so easily instead of fighting back!! And I

pick

> up

> > the slack!

>

> *** I have to warn you here. I've got two older sons (age 19 and

17)

> and I used to 'help' too much too. That turned into a monster.

> (17, with ADHD) used to 'make' me do his homework on the

> computer. He'd sit with me and I'd type up all of his reports

> (thinking to myself-- this poor kid can't do it! RIGHT!) Yes

he

> COULD!!! Well, NOW that I'm not doing that anymore, you know what

> he's saying to me? " I'm going to QUIT school if you don't HELP "

> What a line of BS! I said, 'quit and see how far you go, PAL!' If

I

> were you, I'd slowly back out of all the help you're giving

> and BELIEVE in him that HE CAN DO IT. Afterall, it's not YOUR

> homework-- it's HIS. When he's 30, will you have to be doing his

JOB

> for him?

> When you pick up the slack-- it turns them into SLACKERS! He'll

> marry a woman one day and expect HER to pick up the SLACK. He'll

get

> HER to write his stuff out, or type it up... and if she's smart,

> she'll LEAVE his butt and divorce him!!! I'm being silly-- but

> you know what I'm talking about. We, as parents, have to learn to

> LET GO once they are BORN. It's a letting go process from the

first

> breath, the first step, the first car, the first heartbreak and the

> first day at college. It's our jobs to PREPARE them to be

> INDEPENDENT. We can support, remind them of their choices, but we

> shouldn't enable, no matter what their conditions are. It wears us

> down. It makes us resentful and TIRED. Suddenly-- we don't like

our

> kids anymore! And, they don't like us! They get more and more

> and MORE dependent on US to do the work for them. And, what kind

of

> parent is that? And, I was there once--- and I almost RUINED

> by thinking he couldn't do it and enabled his condition. I'm glad

> I'm BACK!! And, I feel better about ME. 'The sickness of others

can

> make US sick'-- and I was really SICK and depressed early this

year.

> And, I stopped taking care of MYSELF-- and taking care of OTHERS

too

> much (co-dependency) -- which is a form of self-abandonment!!

>

> And you're right-- there is no 'right' or wrong' decision. It's

just

> a decision. THANKS Chris!!! (((hugs)))

> Joni