Re: Frustrated don't know what to do

[Guest guest]

Kathy: Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. You

have to do what is best for yourself and right now Prednisone is on the

agenda. I have approximately 80 lbs since I have been on Prednisone since

1994. I too, feel like you do, since I was a size 12 when dx'd. However, I

have learned to deal with it. The key is feeling good about yourself. It is

hard when you think y ou are unattractive to your spouse. As for sex, well, I

can't remember when However, in all honesty, my knees hurt so bad, my husband

is 78 as he says, the mind is willing but the body isn't. We are able to

laugh about it and it helps. I am fortunate in that Al, still tells me I look

nice, and he hugs and kisses me. I guess that comes from mature love.

Sweetie, your husband may not feel the way you think he does. I don't know a

woman alive who doesn't want to be slim and attractive for herself and her

mate. However, the side effects of medication take their tole on our bodies.

I am sure you are still the same, sweet, attractive woman you once where. So

we add a few pounds, I still try to keep myself neat, put makeup on even on

my worst days and do little things, like bringing my husband coffee, cooking

his favorite things and complimenting him. (he too, has gained a great deal

of weight but has not lost his sense of humor). By doing the little things,

he knows I appreciate him and love me. Love can be shown in so many

different ways. You probably are a whole lot younger than we are and I'd be

lying if I said I didn't miss the closeness, but in spite of the weight gain,

the reasons he fell in love with you are still there, just hidden right now.

Keep your spirits up and remember honey, you are not alone. We have all been

through it.

Jan in SC

[Guest guest]

>> I feel so very un attractive because of all the weight gain and it has

been a year since I have had sex, I understand that he probably thinks he

will hurt me but what do you do to bring romance back into your life and not

let the Ra stand in the way.<<

Oh Kathy, I know weight gain is hard to deal with. I'm trying to lose 25

lbs right now. Our weight shouldn't be so important to our self esteem,

but I'm guilty of the same feelings. When I'm heavier, I feel much less

inclined to make a romantic overture toward my husband. And, when I'm

flaring he sleeps in the guest bedroom because I toss and turn so much. He

has been making up for it by being extra sure to tell me he loves me, and

being attentive. Nonetheless, I miss the physical contact right now.

I can't wait to see if someone has good ideas on bringing the romance back.

I do little corny things to let him know I love him. The other day I cut

out a bunch of pink hearts and stuck them on his computer monitor and on

this desk (at home). IAnd I try to be sure to tell him how much he means

to me. Although I may not be able to be romantic (sexually), we can still

have some romance in our relationship.

Hugs and prayers,

Carol in FL

[ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

Hi the reason i am writing is I take predisone and have gained 40lbs. I

rally hate this as it seems it interfers with everything. I have Ra and am

also Bi-polar, good mix huh . Well anyway I want to know if any of you out

there get rejection from your husbands as far as sex. I feel so very un

attractive because of all the weight gain and it has been a year since I

have had sex, I understand that he probably thinks he will hurt me but what

do you do to bring romance back into your life and not let the Ra stand in

the way. Sounds like I should be writing Dear Abby ,but I am just curious if

any of you have this problem ... HELP!!!!!!!!!! I feel so insecure since I

have gained all this weight. Appreciatte any reply.

Gentle hugs and sweet blessings. Kathy in Fl.

---------------------------------

[Guest guest]

hey kathy, i have put on weight with prednisone too and have been avoiding

the cell phone calls. i know it will only be a guy. (unless i'm out

somewhere, then it might be my son) but i know what you feel like. i just

don't feel pretty at all. with my frankenstein feet and all. my stretch pull

on pants (since my hands don't work well enough for buttons) even if i can

get dressed up a little i don't know what to put on my feet. they are so

sore!!! so i guess i gave up on this for now. but that makes me more

depressed which makes me eat more, and the vicious cycle continues. kathy in

il

[Guest guest]

<<By doing the little things, he knows I appreciate him and love me. Love

can be shown in so many

different ways. >>

That is so true, Jan. What a beautiful post!

Carol in FL

Re: [ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

Kathy: Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. You

have to do what is best for yourself and right now Prednisone is on the

agenda. I have approximately 80 lbs since I have been on Prednisone since

1994. I too, feel like you do, since I was a size 12 when dx'd. However, I

have learned to deal with it. The key is feeling good about yourself. It is

hard when you think y ou are unattractive to your spouse. As for sex, well,

I

can't remember when However, in all honesty, my knees hurt so bad, my

husband

is 78 as he says, the mind is willing but the body isn't. We are able to

laugh about it and it helps. I am fortunate in that Al, still tells me I

look

nice, and he hugs and kisses me. I guess that comes from mature love.

Sweetie, your husband may not feel the way you think he does. I don't know a

woman alive who doesn't want to be slim and attractive for herself and her

mate. However, the side effects of medication take their tole on our bodies.

I am sure you are still the same, sweet, attractive woman you once where. So

we add a few pounds, I still try to keep myself neat, put makeup on even on

my worst days and do little things, like bringing my husband coffee, cooking

his favorite things and complimenting him. (he too, has gained a great deal

of weight but has not lost his sense of humor). By doing the little things,

he knows I appreciate him and love me. Love can be shown in so many

different ways. You probably are a whole lot younger than we are and I'd be

lying if I said I didn't miss the closeness, but in spite of the weight

gain,

the reasons he fell in love with you are still there, just hidden right now.

Keep your spirits up and remember honey, you are not alone. We have all

been

through it.

Jan in SC

[Guest guest]

Hi Jan,

I just wanted to say a beautiful note this is. How true it is, it has

probably made everyone feel better. Hope you have a very special day.

Lynn

----------

> From: burnettaljanb@...

>

> Subject: Re: [ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

> Date: Friday, April 12, 2002 6:02 PM

>

> Kathy: Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You

> have to do what is best for yourself and right now Prednisone is on the

> agenda. I have approximately 80 lbs since I have been on Prednisone

since

> 1994. I too, feel like you do, since I was a size 12 when dx'd.

However, I

> have learned to deal with it. The key is feeling good about yourself. It

is

> hard when you think y ou are unattractive to your spouse. As for sex,

well, I

> can't remember when However, in all honesty, my knees hurt so bad, my

husband

> is 78 as he says, the mind is willing but the body isn't. We are able to

> laugh about it and it helps. I am fortunate in that Al, still tells me I

look

> nice, and he hugs and kisses me. I guess that comes from mature love.

> Sweetie, your husband may not feel the way you think he does. I don't

know a

> woman alive who doesn't want to be slim and attractive for herself and

her

> mate. However, the side effects of medication take their tole on our

bodies.

> I am sure you are still the same, sweet, attractive woman you once where.

So

> we add a few pounds, I still try to keep myself neat, put makeup on even

on

> my worst days and do little things, like bringing my husband coffee,

cooking

> his favorite things and complimenting him. (he too, has gained a great

deal

> of weight but has not lost his sense of humor). By doing the little

things,

> he knows I appreciate him and love me. Love can be shown in so many

> different ways. You probably are a whole lot younger than we are and I'd

be

> lying if I said I didn't miss the closeness, but in spite of the weight

gain,

> the reasons he fell in love with you are still there, just hidden right

now.

> Keep your spirits up and remember honey, you are not alone. We have all

been

> through it.

>

> Jan in SC

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's beautiful, Jan. Thank you.

Re: [ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

> Kathy: Believe me, I know how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You

> have to do what is best for yourself and right now Prednisone is on

the

> agenda. I have approximately 80 lbs since I have been on Prednisone

since

> 1994. I too, feel like you do, since I was a size 12 when dx'd.

However, I

> have learned to deal with it. The key is feeling good about yourself.

It is

> hard when you think y ou are unattractive to your spouse. As for sex,

well, I

> can't remember when However, in all honesty, my knees hurt so bad, my

husband

> is 78 as he says, the mind is willing but the body isn't. We are able

to

> laugh about it and it helps. I am fortunate in that Al, still tells me

I look

> nice, and he hugs and kisses me. I guess that comes from mature love.

> Sweetie, your husband may not feel the way you think he does. I don't

know a

> woman alive who doesn't want to be slim and attractive for herself and

her

> mate. However, the side effects of medication take their tole on our

bodies.

> I am sure you are still the same, sweet, attractive woman you once

where. So

> we add a few pounds, I still try to keep myself neat, put makeup on

even on

> my worst days and do little things, like bringing my husband coffee,

cooking

> his favorite things and complimenting him. (he too, has gained a

great deal

> of weight but has not lost his sense of humor). By doing the little

things,

> he knows I appreciate him and love me. Love can be shown in so many

> different ways. You probably are a whole lot younger than we are and

I'd be

> lying if I said I didn't miss the closeness, but in spite of the

weight gain,

> the reasons he fell in love with you are still there, just hidden

right now.

> Keep your spirits up and remember honey, you are not alone. We have al

l been

> through it.

>

> Jan in SC

[Guest guest]

I am so sad to read how difficult your weight gain has been for you,

Kathy. First, have you discussed this with your doctor? Could you

possibly be weaned off the prednisone and put on a different med? Then

maybe you could work more effectively to lose those pounds that are

bothering you.

Secondly, I can understand how you would feel self-conscious about the

added weight, but try to believe that " sexy " comes in many forms, and

mostly from within. I know it's hard to subscribe to that because of

this crazy society we have that seems to celebrate Barbie, but try to

forget about all of those silly outside influences. In the bedroom, it's

just you and your husband.

Does your husband actively reject sexual advances from you, or are you

just assuming that he is or that he would? Maybe you feel insecure and

you are just very worried that he doesn't want sex, but, in reality, he

does. Could some situations that have come up have been misinterpreted

on both sides? I think you are probably right: fear or hurting you is

likely a worry of his. Try to reassure him that you want sex and aren't

afraid of being hurt by making the first move. Or you can even tell him

in a frank discussion that you would like to be intimate again and that

you can both be careful, and that the risk would be worth it to you.

What about the old standbys: going out for a great dinner, a romantic

movie, new, sexy lingerie, and a candlelit bedroom (don't burn the house

down!)?

[ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

> Hi the reason i am writing is I take predisone and have gained 40lbs.

I rally hate this as it seems it interfers with everything. I have Ra

and am also Bi-polar, good mix huh . Well anyway I want to know if any

of you out there get rejection from your husbands as far as sex. I feel

so very un attractive because of all the weight gain and it has been a

year since I have had sex, I understand that he probably thinks he will

hurt me but what do you do to bring romance back into your life and not

let the Ra stand in the way. Sounds like I should be writing Dear Abby

,but I am just curious if any of you have this problem ...

HELP!!!!!!!!!! I feel so insecure since I have gained all this weight.

Appreciatte any reply.

>

> Gentle hugs and sweet blessings. Kathy in Fl.

[Guest guest]

Kathy,

I understand how you feel. I gained over 50 pounds since being diagnosed with

RA.

But I've found that what I though was rejection turned out to be consideration

and

compassion for my pain. It's hard on our partners to watch us deal with so

much

fatigue and pain. The last thing they want to do is add to it, or put pressure

on us

to do anything to cause more pain. Maybe he is waiting for you to make the

first move,

which will let him know you're feeling well enough. I hope you can throw out

any

inhibitions you may have because your body isn't what you'd like it to be.

You're still

the same person inside with all the same needs. has some great

suggestions.

I'd have a simple candlelit dinner, soft music in the background and turn off

the telephone!

hugs,

a

[ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

> Hi the reason i am writing is I take predisone and have gained 40lbs.

I rally hate this as it seems it interfers with everything. I have Ra

and am also Bi-polar, good mix huh . Well anyway I want to know if any

of you out there get rejection from your husbands as far as sex. I feel

so very un attractive because of all the weight gain and it has been a

year since I have had sex, I understand that he probably thinks he will

hurt me but what do you do to bring romance back into your life and not

let the Ra stand in the way. Sounds like I should be writing Dear Abby

,but I am just curious if any of you have this problem ...

HELP!!!!!!!!!! I feel so insecure since I have gained all this weight.

Appreciatte any reply.

>

> Gentle hugs and sweet blessings. Kathy in Fl.

[Guest guest]

hi..my name is teresa. i have been in the list for a while now and have not

wrote anything. i was 27 when diagnosed with r.a. i am now 29. the subject of

weight and sex with r.a. caught my eye because i have the same problem. i am

married to a verry attractive( at least i think so ) 27 year old who is a

drill sgt. in the u.s. army. i love him verry much and i believe he loves me

also but sex has become a problem. it is painful for me because in addition

to r.a. i also have degenerstive disc disease. my husband and i try to talk

alot about how iam feeling durring sex. that has helped a great deal. he saks

things like if i'm comfortable or if a certain position hurts. my suggestion

to you is to keep an open line of communication with your husband.as you can

imagine being married to a 27 year old his sex drive is verry active and it

sometimes irritates him that it is hard for me. one thing we have done , and

i hope that i dont offend anyone by saying this, is masterbating with each

other. it not only is easier physically but it can also spice things up in

the bedroom. i also talked with my dr. ahd they also have info on sex and

r.a. i hope i helped. let me know

[Guest guest]

Dear Kathy,

Just like all of us my computer has been having it's

good and bad days. And I even wonder if I should say

anything since I am now divorced!!

After my divorce I gained weight and I hate it. I

look at myself and see in my mind a person at 400

pounds, yet 138 pounds. I also can and do get very

depressed where I feel like doing nothing, that needs

to stop. But another story.

I could say so much and I am sure you are saying this

nut is divorced why write on this topic. Divorce was

for many reasons, but I still love and care for him

today and would never hurt him.

Upon getting divorced I swear it must of been 4 or 5

years since we had sex. One week turned into a month

and well you get the picture. And it was to hard to

go back. Don't let that happen.

Feel good about you and know the person inside is what

he married. And slowly start to let him know this is

what you want.

I would leave notes in his briefcase or when I knew is

15 mins., he had to be in court call and tell him what

was going to happen. Place a post it around the

house.

Also always listening to him and please and thank you.

The little things add up.

Like with my daughter, the little things that are free

mean more to her at times than spending the money.

Again I know it is stupid I write this being divorced,

but I do think if we hadn't done all this for 12 years

of marriage we could be the divorced parents always

fighting, which helps no one.

Take the next step and go for it.

Love and prayers, Sheri

--- Kathy Trowbridge <katkan2001@...> wrote:

> Hi the reason i am writing is I take predisone and

> have gained 40lbs. I rally hate this as it seems it

> interfers with everything. I have Ra and am also

> Bi-polar, good mix huh . Well anyway I want to know

> if any of you out there get rejection from your

> husbands as far as sex. I feel so very un attractive

> because of all the weight gain and it has been a

> year since I have had sex, I understand that he

> probably thinks he will hurt me but what do you do

> to bring romance back into your life and not let the

> Ra stand in the way. Sounds like I should be writing

> Dear Abby ,but I am just curious if any of you have

> this problem ... HELP!!!!!!!!!! I feel so insecure

> since I have gained all this weight. Appreciatte any

> reply.

>

> Gentle hugs and sweet blessings. Kathy in Fl.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

<<I could say so much and I am sure you are saying this

nut is divorced why write on this topic>>

Sheri, being divorced you are the person who's advice I'd MOST like to

hear!!!

I think all of us who are married with RA worry about how this disease in

one way or another is affecting our relationship. I appreciate your

insight.

Hugs,

Carol in FL

Re: [ ] Frustrated don't know what to do

Dear Kathy,

Just like all of us my computer has been having it's

good and bad days. And I even wonder if I should say

anything since I am now divorced!!

After my divorce I gained weight and I hate it. I

look at myself and see in my mind a person at 400

pounds, yet 138 pounds. I also can and do get very

depressed where I feel like doing nothing, that needs

to stop. But another story.

I could say so much and I am sure you are saying this

nut is divorced why write on this topic. Divorce was

for many reasons, but I still love and care for him

today and would never hurt him.

Upon getting divorced I swear it must of been 4 or 5

years since we had sex. One week turned into a month

and well you get the picture. And it was to hard to

go back. Don't let that happen.

Feel good about you and know the person inside is what

he married. And slowly start to let him know this is

what you want.

I would leave notes in his briefcase or when I knew is

15 mins., he had to be in court call and tell him what

was going to happen. Place a post it around the

house.

Also always listening to him and please and thank you.

The little things add up.

Like with my daughter, the little things that are free

mean more to her at times than spending the money.

Again I know it is stupid I write this being divorced,

but I do think if we hadn't done all this for 12 years

of marriage we could be the divorced parents always

fighting, which helps no one.

Take the next step and go for it.

Love and prayers, Sheri

--- Kathy Trowbridge <katkan2001@...> wrote:

> Hi the reason i am writing is I take predisone and

> have gained 40lbs. I rally hate this as it seems it

> interfers with everything. I have Ra and am also

> Bi-polar, good mix huh . Well anyway I want to know

> if any of you out there get rejection from your

> husbands as far as sex. I feel so very un attractive

> because of all the weight gain and it has been a

> year since I have had sex, I understand that he

> probably thinks he will hurt me but what do you do

> to bring romance back into your life and not let the

> Ra stand in the way. Sounds like I should be writing

> Dear Abby ,but I am just curious if any of you have

> this problem ... HELP!!!!!!!!!! I feel so insecure

> since I have gained all this weight. Appreciatte any

> reply.

>

> Gentle hugs and sweet blessings. Kathy in Fl.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

>