Re: Pregnancy and SMA III.....

July 1, 2003

In a message dated 7/1/2003 8:43:05 PM Central Daylight Time,

heaven20seven@... writes:

> Are you that insecure to care about what someone you don't even know

> says?

> to such a degree you feel like bashing your head against the wall? who cares

>

> what she says. shes not you and youre not her. shes speaking in reference as

> IF

> she WERE in your position, that maybe she doesnt think she would be 'strong'

>

> enough or capable of doing what you do. and have done. no need to get so

> defensive, unless you really care what she says.

, you friggen dwell on comments an online boyfriend makes for weeks

and you have the audacity to make a comment like that. I don't get you.

July 1, 2003

OK, now I AM offended!

I had two babies because I have a husband. We had sex. I got

pregnant. I was NOT trying to fill any void in my life. I was NOT

hellbent on passing on my genes. I was NOT doing it to bring me

happiness (although my kids DO give me great happiness). It just

happened. I was not going to abort them because I was simply

concerned they might be 'uncomfortable' having a mom in a wheelchair.

You say you are only saying it is selfish for YOU to have a baby and

then you go on and on about all the things you and *I* can't do. We

both have SMA. And I bet we are both pretty similiar physically -

basically a quad dependant on everything from brushing your teeth to

taking a crap. Am I right? Well, if YOU are selfish to have a baby

in your situation, then that implies that *I* must be a really selfish

b*tch because I've brought 2 babies into the world, knowing full well

that I couldn't directly feed, dress or bathe them.

But you know what? I have a husband, who married me knowing what he

was getting into. I have friends and roommates who became so knowing

full well what they were getting into. They help take care of the

kids' physical stuff. I take care of emotion stuff. I take care of

educational stuff. I take care of the birthday parties, and play

dates, and arranging rides, and getting pool passes, and filling out

school forms. I plan the grocery menu. I orchestrate the

housework. I take care of all the little stuff all day long that my

husband can't do while he is at work - all the little stuff that makes

it possible to put food in their bellies and clothes on their backs!

And as for the 5 year old comment that I'm guessing was directed at me

since I'm the only one with a 5 year old. My daughters are BETTER

persons because of the experiences they have had because I have SMA.

They know how to be responsible. They know that people are more than

what they can and can't do for you. They are caring, sensitive, and

unselfish (well, ok, my 9 year old has her moments). Because of my

SMA I can actually spend MORE time with them. When they come home

from school, I am here - which is more than I can say for a lot of

non-disabled parents.

And frankly, following your line of logic, none of us should date or

get married! We are very high maintenance physically. Isn't it

selfish to FORCE that on ANYBODY?

I get enough of this crap from people without SMA! If people don't

want to take on the responsibility of parenting, then that's great for

them. Just don't give me sh*t about making different choices in life!

Jenn <listening to Rob Zombie REALLY loud and thinking about bashing

my head against a wall>

> Some of you seem to have taken my words the wrong way. I never said

that it's

> selfish for any woman with a disability to have a baby... I said I

thought it

> would be selfish of ME. If you're disabled and have a baby then more

power to

> you but it's not something I'd do. Whatever the reason for having a

baby (to

> fill some void in your life, b/c you think it'll bring you

happiness, or to

> pass on your genes to the next generation), I feel like I would be

putting that

> baby at risk. This isn't like getting a goldfish here where feeding

and the

> such isn't going to be a problem. This is a human life and if I

chose to have a

> baby I think I should take full responsibility for it. Part of that

> responsibility is bathing it and getting up at two in the morning to

feed it and not

> having someone else do those things. I can't take care of myself

and it's

> already a stressful situation for everyone around me. Now I'm gonna

add another

> totally dependent person to the mix because I feel the need to

reproduce? That

> baby is going to be at risk before its even born. I know from now

that carrying

> that baby to term is going to be impossible so right off the bat

it's going to

> have to deal with all the stuff that preemies go through

(underdeveloped

> lungs and weak immune system) Being alone with the baby after it's

born? Out of

> the question. If it starts choking or if something else happens to

it, I

> wouldn't be much help. I can be there emotionally all I want for the

baby but that's

> not going to change that fact. Emotional support is not going to put

food into

> it's belly or clothes on its back. Then there's what going to happen

when

> this baby become older. How are THEY going to feel? We all know what

it's like to

> have to grow up fast and mature before our time; what it's like to

be pushed

> into adulthood. Because of that I don't think my 5 year old should

have to be

> taking care of me. They're little kids and shouldn't have to have

that stress

> or burden placed upon them. I read a book about disabled life and

one chapter

> focused on family members. They asked the kids how they felt and

there was so

> much hurt and resentment in their passages. That would all stem from

my need

> to have a baby and I'm just comfortable with that.

>

> But if you want children and it works out, then good. To each their

own.

>

July 1, 2003

jealousy?

-

July 1, 2003

i learn from my mistakes> says.

>

-

July 1, 2003

Deena, I was really surprised by the hostility in your msg. about why you

don't have kids. I understand so many of the reasons you described. I've

made some of the same decisions. But you really attacked the folks w/SMA

on this list who do have kids. Do you really think they're selfish? I'm

asking this sincerely. Do you think they're inadequate parents?

, I loved how you described the intimate role you have in raising

your children. I'd only like to add that indeed there are difficult

aspects for children growing up with disabled parents. But there are

difficult aspects of all children's lives. Some grow up poor, or have only

one parent or a parent dies. Some move from town to town following a

parent's job. Some grow up around addiction or stress. The thing that

gives these kids better lives is love, security and attention. You're

certainly giving those things to your children.

While I have chosen not to have my own children, I have nothing but respect

for those disabled parents who are working their butts off to have happy,

healthy families. I'm enjoying it vicariously and with a touch of envy,

but on the other hand, I love my out-in-the-world life. I couldn't do the

work I do if I had kids, cuz I wouldn't have the umph.

I hope to see less fighting and more sharing and support of differences on

this topic.

Peace,

Alana

July 1, 2003

Thanks Alana, I agree. I have also chosen not to have children, or I

wouldn¹t say chosen ‹ they¹ve just never seemed an option to me perhaps

because of all the logistics involved ‹ but honestly I¹ve never had a desire

for them, I was born without the mothering instinct! I¹m happy with my

husband and family of animals and adult lifestyle ‹ and I¹m happy when the

kids/babies are screaming at the mall that I am NOT responsible for them!!!

(see no mothering instinct, I think quiet babies are cute but that¹s as far

as it goes...) Deena, I didn¹t find your post particularly angry or

offensive, I think it¹s good to talk about these things. There are

definitely two sides to this issue and it is a personal choice for all of

us. I¹m sure if I wanted kids I would try and find a way to have them (or

adopt) and care for them ‹ it certainly would be something carefully thought

out (for me) before any children were conceived or sent away for. Of

course, I strongly encourage the same for everyone with or without a

disability. I do not think it makes someone better or worse people for

having kids, it¹s just different lifestyle choices. , I appreciate

your comments as well.

Anyway, this is my baby and I thought maybe a different view would be good

here... ;-)

A quick Diamond story... (Diamond is a four year old African Grey parrot)

Yesterday diamond was in for his annual exam and the vet said that I should

walk him around the house 15 minutes a day for exercise. I started today

and he was really stubborn about walking, he wouldn't budge. Finally, I

made him walk to his cage and when he climbed up I asked him how he liked

his walk -- he said, " Actually, I prefer a wheelchair to walking. "

N

On 7/1/03 11:53 PM, " Alana R. Theriault " <alrt@...> wrote:

> Deena, I was really surprised by the hostility in your msg. about why you

> don't have kids. I understand so many of the reasons you described. I've

> made some of the same decisions. But you really attacked the folks w/SMA

> on this list who do have kids. Do you really think they're selfish? I'm

> asking this sincerely. Do you think they're inadequate parents?

>

> , I loved how you described the intimate role you have in raising

> your children. I'd only like to add that indeed there are difficult

> aspects for children growing up with disabled parents. But there are

> difficult aspects of all children's lives. Some grow up poor, or have only

> one parent or a parent dies. Some move from town to town following a

> parent's job. Some grow up around addiction or stress. The thing that

> gives these kids better lives is love, security and attention. You're

> certainly giving those things to your children.

>

> While I have chosen not to have my own children, I have nothing but respect

> for those disabled parents who are working their butts off to have happy,

> healthy families. I'm enjoying it vicariously and with a touch of envy,

> but on the other hand, I love my out-in-the-world life. I couldn't do the

> work I do if I had kids, cuz I wouldn't have the umph.

>

> I hope to see less fighting and more sharing and support of differences on

> this topic.

>

> Peace,

> Alana

>

July 2, 2003

I know a child born to parents that love it regardless of if 1 is using a

wheelchair or not could not be happier i guess the love is the key word and each

child needs a different level of attention be it just having 1 parent who can

sit and talk with them or read a story or sing with them or watch a cartoon or

just give them hugs kisses and loads and loads of love , there is always 1

parent who is busy and not around constantly for the children and for a child to

have a mother or a father about as a constant is great for the child or children

and it is up to us everyone as parents and friends and individuals to make sure

that every child grows up to care love and except the people around them and my

kids do they do , they love both Ian and i and there friends just accept it to

, I'm mom and Ian is Ian but slowly becoming more dad and when bump comes we

will be settled as a family of 6 who love each other very much .

There are no rights and wrongs to being a parent or deciding to be as long as

you love the child you bring into the world and help it to grow and care and

accept .

jennifer <nekrosys@...> wrote: