a lonely night

June 2, 2002

I just needed to write to my new found family of support.

I am feeling lonely and I am in alot of pain tonight. It seems that when the

pain gets real bad, it forces me to see what supports I dont have in my life

- (family) and that causes this emotional upset to kick in along with the

pain.

I have no one to talk to right now and so I decided I would just write down

what I am feeling here. My Mom cant/doesnt want to be there for me & knows

how bad off I am right now medically. I miss/want a relationship with her &

I want to call her when I am in pain & cry. But she doesnt return my calls &

my therapist reminds me to try to stop setting myself up for that which isnt

there. I've called my sister too but for what ever reason, she doesnt call

me back. I dont know if they are afraid or what. It doesnt matter I guess -

I just get lonely when I am hurting physically and it slaps me in the face

as to how alone I really am.

I was in bed and trying to read a book but it hurt my wrist too much to turn

the pages. my shoulder hurts so bad right now & my feet are getting stabbing

pains in them tonight. I just got out of bed & went to talk to my husband. I

cried about how I want to do things in my yard and I cant even read a book

tonight and how much I want the support of my mom and sisters.

He did listen to me and then said he was going out for a ride on his

motorcycle. So I feel that my pain and reaching out for support sends people

in my life running.

I wish I could be the healthy pain free wife , daughter and sister they seem

to all need me to be, but I am powerless over that right now.

So, I am writing here - you guys are all I have with this.

Blessings,

C.

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