Re: Article on relationships and chronic illness/FMS

[Guest guest]

dear welshwarrior......what a blessing that you have sent this article......my brothers significant other has fm.....she did not nor deceive my brother about what was wrong with her....he said that ....at the time it was ok....as time has gone on....trouble in paradise has begun....a few months ago....she talks to me a lot...i am disabled with ra......hence ...the understanding...on my part......she has tried several times to enlighten him as to what is really going on....and how she feels......he has used her as an excuse for drinking more....phewy!!!!!!....my brother has been an alkie since teens...he has been in rehab several times......but...the ole habit returns...his resisance to it seems to be nil.......she told him that he was not going to use her as an excuse for his lack of resistance to the bottom of the bottle......he talks to me on and off also....but...it is the pity me type of conversation......his recent and a couple times before is his lack of natures...you know what......i don't believe that he will ever understand what his girl is trying to tell him.....but...then when a person has to a point no physical disability then the cpmprehenson is lost on deaf ears.....and imbedded in the oh poor me syndrome....i intend to print this article up and let them read it.....they have been together for a year now.....i am not being crude here ...but...what if anything can be done for the sexual satisfaction end of this to bring harmony to some degree to this relationshaip....another thing....his intanded was very badly abused......counselling would not be possible....they are a team with long-haul trucking....i just listen when each needs to talk...and ...i find it embarassing and very uncomfortable at the time of my lending an ear so to say....if anyone is uneasy about discussing this...could ya please...if possible...send me some links that may help me when talking to them......another thing ...the talking is always done one on one....they have never talked to me both at the same time.....i didn't know a thing about fm and i have been educating myself about it.....what more can...i do......thanks for listening

norma

----- Original Message -----

From: welshwarrior73030

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Thursday, May 30, 2002 9:26 PM

Subject: Article on relationships and chronic illness/FMS

An older article on relationships and chronic illness. http://fmaware.org/patient/family/love.htmTo Love, In Sickness And In Health --------------------------------------------------------------------------------by Lorden "The course of true love never did run smooth." - Shakespeare With Valentine's Day on the calendar this month, many Fibromyalgia sufferers are likely to be thinking either about how to find love or how to sustain it, given the hardships that chronic illness imposes on a relationship. If you're a person with FM who is married or in a relationship, there is no doubt that your illness has brought new difficulties and a variety of changes. Though our bodies are sick, how can we keep our relationships healthy? Seemingly by definition (and according to Shakespeare), committed relationships are fraught with ups and downs along the road. Hurt feelings and hugs, whispered promises and angry threats, misunderstandings and insights, grief and growth, loss and love...these are all a part of loving someone and being loved. The challenges of making love work are never easy. But when one partner is struck by FM or another similar chronic illness, the strain on the relationship can sometimes feel like too much to bear. Although the suffering of the patient is often severe, we should not underestimate the sadness, frustration, loss, and helplessness that the healthy partner also feels. Many spouses describe the pain of watching their loved ones suffer and not being able to do anything about it. Fred Friedberg, author of Coping With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, points out, "Your significant other has probably had to make wrenching adjustments to your illness. He or she may experience the same denial, anger, and even depression that you have in dealing with CFS." Friedberg emphasizes that the "healthy" partner has the same right to all of the negative emotional reactions that you have to the illness. While the nature of the suffering may be different, it is nevertheless valid; and it is important that those feelings be heard. The stress, loss, and grief that are FM imposes on a relationship can seem overwhelming, threatening the very relationship that is most essential to nurturing us in our struggle with illness. The irony is that coping with FM or other chronic illness often drains so much energy that little is left for the interpersonal work that any relationship needs. Many marriages and relationships don't survive. But many not only survive, but thrive; relationships can be strengthened and deepened in a way that would never have occurred without the challenge of illness. Lynn Vanderzalm, author of Finding Strength in Weakness, offers important guidelines for keeping relationships strong in the midst of the struggle with illness: Accept Changes FM forces many changes on relationships, especially in marriage. Expectations need to be adjusted and different roles identified in order to build a healthy relationship that can sustain the stresses of illness. Develop a Life Outside FM Vanderzalm recommends establishing at least one ritual that has nothing to do with illness. It might be sitting and watching the sunset, or anything that can set aside the difficulty of living with illness and bring back the original feeling of closeness. Communicate Your Needs Living with FM or other chronic illness requires even stronger communication skills between two people. We need to know what the other is feeling and what is truly important. Many couples wisely choose to get counseling, either together or individually. This can be very helpful in building deeper communication skills in order to cope with the challenges of illness. Give Support and Understanding It is extremely destructive when the illness is used as a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong. The FM sufferer needs to know that difficulties are not necessarily his or her fault, and both partners need to feel that they are "on the same team." More specifically, each person in the relationship has something special to give, depending upon whether or not they are the one who is sick: What the Healthy Partner Can Give reassurance that they believe the illness is real confidence that they will be there for support special attention to the FM sufferer's needs, especially in times of pain and weakness communicating that no matter how sick the sufferer may look or feel, he or she is valuable as a person. What the Sick Partner Can Give the integrity of telling the truth; neither exaggerating the illness nor hiding its reality commitment to the other person and the growth of the relationship appreciation and understanding for what the healthy partner is going through the gift of saving some energy for the other person and contributing what you can.