Re: Love and hate relationship with autism?

[Guest guest]

I succesfully bought clothes today. I really dislike clothes

shopping, so this is something of an accomplishment for me. And I

successfully bought shoes, another thing I dislike, but I had little

choice on the shoes. With the rain and humidity we have here shoes

do not last long. My feet are short and wide and one of my feet is

slightly larger than the other and I have a small bunion on my

larger foot so it is hard to find shoes that fit. Even in the wide

sizes, on many shoes there is a gap on an inch or two between my

ankle and the back of the shoe. But I found two pair with only a

quarter inch gap so I can just use a bit of padding and the shoes

are wearable.

Oh, wait, I should say sometihing more typical. The shoes were

real, umm, cute, well one pair was very practicle looking but the

other was kind of cute. And they even matched my clothes.

I think I may need more practice.

Ilah

>

> I cannot act social - if I try I screw up.

>

> Perhaps we should all try to practice.

>

> I'll start...

>

> Hey all, how about that weather eh?

>

> Tom

> Administrator

>

> P.S. Hang on for a moment while I run off to throw up.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

support and acceptance. Everyone is valued.

>

> Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page

in the folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh no! I think I'm gonna hurl! Stop it! Stop it!

Tom

I cannot act social - if I try I screw up.

Perhaps we should all try to practice.

I'll start...

Hey all, how about that weather eh?

Tom

Administrator

P.S. Hang on for a moment while I run off to throw up.

[Guest guest]

To be honest I've got to the age now of why bother - I don't think I

am too bad anyway :-) I don't pick my nose or anything like that in

public.

When it comes to formal events though I find them really difficult -

it feels so stiff and false, they're not enjoyable events anyway and

why anyone wants to attend such things is beyond me.

I think I may have to get my hands on a copy of the book how to win

friends and influence people just out of curiousity - but I can't say

I want to win friends - as for influencing people, depends what I'm

influencing them to do ;-) The best form of influence is when they

actually think it is their idea :-)

Methinks my naughty side is coming out :-)

>

> ,

>

> It just takes practice. Perhaps a book on etiquette might help?

I've got one

> around somewhere that I read years ago. I consider things like

which

> utensiles to use and how to hold them to be annoying and not overly

practical, but

> most of the rest is helpful to one degree or another.

>

> If you try this, I would recommend just trying a few rules at a

time. Its

> easier to remember them that way and practice them until they

become habit and

> you don't have to think about them anymore.

>

> Really though what works best for me is this: if it disgusts or

annoys me,

> then it will likely do the same to others, so don't do it.

Sometimes this means

> tolerating some discomfort for while, like the time a creature

crawled up my

> pants leg and was biting in a sensitive area, but I kept from

scratching or

> whatever until I reached the bathroom and could take care of it (it

in this

> case being a house spider that was in a pants leg when I put them

on, though

> why it waited until I was in the middle of the mall before it bit

me I don't

> know).

>

> You might also look for How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I've been

> meaning to reread my copy of that, but haven't gotten around to it.

>

> The " social graces " are simply a skill. You can learn the rules

and practice

> them just like any other skill. Extended chit chat is my weak

point still

> and probably always will be, but most of the rest I can handle.

Still, it took

> time and practice, which meant exposure to people, which was very

hard for me

> to do.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My Aspie assistant sometimes eats with his hands even in restaurants. My mom

did not appreciate when he did this at her birthday lunch out. :-D

Nor did I, actually. But he says half the world still eats like this so why

not him too? I said he can eat however he wants, as long as I don't have to

see it.

Inger

Re: Love and hate relationship with autism?

Or you could get friends with lower standerds of etiquette. I have

a group of friends over regularly and I serve VERY informal

dinners. I have two friends that will occassionally eat pasta with

their fingers. Once I asked one of them " would like me to get you a

fork? " and he said " silverware is over-rated. " [i supose they may

have differnt standards in public and only relax at my place because

our group is so tolerant.] I suppose some people we be totally put-

off by this, but they put up with all my quirks so it is only

reasonable I put up with theirs. No one else at the table seems to

mind too much either. I think everyone in my group has at least

some AS traits.

Ilah

[Guest guest]

:

> Really though what works best for me is this: if it disgusts or annoys me, then it will likely do the same to others, so don't do it.

Now that's a pretty good rule. I was taught another one last spring: that anything that comes off the body (hair, nails, nose content, peeling skin etc) should be removed in private. I had no idea about that rule. I was so surprised when I got scolded for clipping my nails in a restaurant (as a teen) and never knew why until this kind lady informed me.

> Sometimes this means tolerating some discomfort for while, like the time a creature crawled up my pants leg and was biting in a sensitive area, but I kept from scratching or whatever until I reached the bathroom and could take care of it (it in this case being a house spider that was in a pants leg when I put them on, though why it waited until I was in the middle of the mall before it bit me I don't know).

ROTFL! :-D :-D :-D (I don't think I would have been able to wait until I got to the bathroom!)

> You might also look for How to Win Friends and Influence People. I've been meaning to reread my copy of that, but haven't gotten around to it.

"Influence people"? :-o That sounds dagnerously close to mind-control or dark-grey magic.

>The "social graces" are simply a skill. You can learn the rules and practice them just like any other skill. Extended chit chat is my weak point still and probably always will be, but most of the rest I can handle. Still, it took time and practice, which meant exposure to people, which was very hard for me to do.

To learn a skill I would have to feel motivated. I wouldn't go to a formal dinner anyway, so I'm happy just to be able to eat with knife and fork in public (at home I pre-cut my food and use only a fork).

Inger

[Guest guest]

> I'll start...

>

> Hey all, how about that weather eh?

the weather can be quite interesting actually...

<quote>

There are two cloud appearance types: cumulus and stratus, which are

also the basic names of the low clouds. Sometimes they appear higher

in the atmosphere and get a combination name with a prefix. For

example, middle cumulus clouds are called " altocumulus " and high

stratus clouds are " cirrostratus. " If a cloud produces rain or snow

it gets either " nimbo " at the beginning or " nimbus " at the end.

</quote>

;o)))))))

[Guest guest]

>

> I cannot act social - if I try I screw up.

o dear..

I think that's also a matter of perspective, I never said I was

really that good at it! ;o) I think it would take me too much effort

to list all the mistakes I made!! some were very painful... n.f.c.

(for now, maybe later)

There are a couple of things which some people said afterwards, but

they were very vague about what it was which made me come across

as 'odd' (one mentioned naive/inexperienced, or shy/uncertain of

myself? one mentioned bipolar etc) They only gave me small

hints/comments, but it was very vague what exactly they were talking

about. I don't know what it was exactly which they meant. It's

useless trying to figure out.

Next to that, I don't socialize that much anymore.. I miss it

sometimes, but I'd rather go somewhere with one friend I stick with

and just do fun stuff with this one person and that's it.. that

reception type of thing, meeting people, talking nonsense to many,

and being looked at, is also really not my thing..!! I actually went

out a bit in the Gothic/Electro/Neofolk/Alternative scene, but mainly

concerts and festivals, sometimes also parties. And later on Fantasy

Fairs, and also a Celtic/Folk festival. There were some very

beautiful moments there, and often I was alone, but just trancing on

music or sitting on the grass looking at a band performing. Sometimes

talking, but in groups and with people I didn't know well mostly

silent. I did have two friends, of which one is really still a good

friend, the other just someone I could trust but not really connect

with. Then there was this one guy but he betrayed my trust and

another girl as well, they started acting weird and even turned

against me a bit in that online-group I mentioned before. I met all

of them online (we made an appointment to meet in RL) or via via the

ones I met before. That is for me the best method to meet people whom

I really share things with. To do it in RL seems pretty much

impossible, at least very hard, unless you're in a therapy group or

something I actually met one person via a bullied-victims group,

and that friend is also the one who mentioned I might have

Asperger's/Autism (she was just diagnosed with it and shared this

with me).

As I believe.. all things are somehow connected... just follow the

signs

[Guest guest]

Good discussion.. I like wearing stuff which expresses part of me

(like being alternative, interested in magick, often depressed or

whatever) I use clothes as expression, probably because I have

limited verbal contact with new people =) But I once also complained

to a person that nobody understands I'm really trying to say

something with my clothes. Like I sit next to this girl with a

pentagram around her neck, I am too shy to talk to her!! But what she

does I also try, I hope she will ask me 'hey.. you also interested in

magick?' that is why I try 'communicating myself' with clothes :\

It wasn't like that always, I used to only do this in lesser degree

at Croatian parties in Holland and Croatian language class, or on

vacation in Croatia. At Dutch school I just tried being as invisible

as possible (and also as unsexy as possible) and I also hardly cared

about what I looked like most of the time, I wasn't even aware of

it...

I think not being aware of it has to do with not seeking social

contact, being aware of what you look like is a 'social disease' ;o)

I used to hate shopping for clothes (I enjoyed shopping for other

things though, like dinosaurs, books, little flags, coins, stickers,

sheep, whatever I was/am collecting at the time)...

But now I am actually stuck with a shopping/clothing obsession!!!!

*oops* I hardly think of anything else, I even dream about buying

clothes! and I hardly have time to wear the stuff!! I just buy it to

have it. Everything hippy, folkish, gothie, some punk and

some 'barococo' (new 'old' fashion), real vintage and fantasy (I

enjoy wearing stuff which looks borrowed from my grandma or witchy or

something alternative ) I just can't leave it in a shop, it has to

be in my room (eg it doesn't fit anymore in my closet LOL) this is an

**actual obsession**. I spend enormous amounts of my savings on

clothes, under the excuse 'the fashion sucked for all my life, but

now finally it does not suck, so I am buying for the next 20 years!'

LOL

it doesn't mean however I buy everything I see, I seek specific

things.. I love things with embroidered flowers on it for example, I

have lots of clothes now with embroidered flowers on it (for a long

time you couldn't find those anywhere) )))

But sometimes I wish this obsession would just be over....!! or the

fashion would finally change to something I don't like!! (

I'm seriously running out of money now..... ::|

>

> People have asked me if I ever change clothes and I tell them of

> course: I have several sets of the same thing is all.

>

>

[Guest guest]

> To learn a skill I would have to feel motivated. I wouldn't go to a

formal dinner anyway, so I'm happy just to be able to eat with knife

and fork in public (at home I pre-cut my food and use only a fork).

>

> Inger

>

I hardly ever use a knife at home (hardly ever necessary), and I have

a tendency to eat without fork at Italian restaurants (pizza and

antipasti) I have no idea if that's allowed, but somehow I don't

succeed in eating it with a fork =)

And if you want to impress others some day, just train yourself at

home with Chinese sticks, then invite your colleagues over to a

Chinese restaurant and blow their minds =)

[Guest guest]

You can eat pizza with a knife and fork. That is how I used to do it when I was a child. I stopped in high school because we mostly got takeout to the rooms and there weren't any utensiles.

[Guest guest]

Hi Ilah,

I also hate clothes shopping and shoe shopping. I don't see anything wrong with your descripiton you told us what was important about your experience, not the stupid trivialitys most people say. Too many people go on an on about the color, fabric, ect in a description of each and every item. It gets monotonus and boring. I think you did very well with your small talk.

Beth

Ilah <theturtlemoves@...> wrote:

I succesfully bought clothes today. I really dislike clothes shopping, so this is something of an accomplishment for me. And I successfully bought shoes, another thing I dislike, but I had little choice on the shoes. With the rain and humidity we have here shoes do not last long. My feet are short and wide and one of my feet is slightly larger than the other and I have a small bunion on my larger foot so it is hard to find shoes that fit. Even in the wide sizes, on many shoes there is a gap on an inch or two between my ankle and the back of the shoe. But I found two pair with only a quarter inch gap so I can just use a bit of padding and the shoes are wearable. Oh, wait, I should say sometihing more typical. The shoes were real, umm, cute, well one pair was very practicle looking

but the other was kind of cute. And they even matched my clothes.I think I may need more practice. ;)Ilah> > I cannot act social - if I try I screw up.> > Perhaps we should all try to practice.> > I'll start...> > Hey all, how about that weather eh?> > Tom> Administrator> > P.S. Hang on for a moment while I run off to throw up. > > > > > > > > > FAM Secret

Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and acceptance. Everyone is valued. > > Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the folder marked "Other FAM Sites." > > > >