Re: Insensitive remarks in casual conversation

[Guest guest]

No definite advice, Bonnie, but I think a lot of us have been through this.

When the subject usually comes up about a certain kid, etc.. I usually just

mention that perhaps with more tolerance or understanding this " kid " wouldn't

actually seem so " unnormal. " I usually just chalk it up to ignorance and

fear of the unknown. After all, a kid that seems " not normal " or " with

problems " is a parent's worse fear. I'd just feel good in the thought that you

yourself having walked a mile in your shoes have more compassion and

understanding of these kids that are often talked about in " gossip sesions. "

Your story reminded me of a situation with a babysitter I once had -

Wonderful woman, very easy going, kid friendly etc. She was watching my two

younger

kids. My oldest with bipolar was away in residential but due to come home

for a visit - I told the babysitter about the upcoming visit and she seemed

understanding, but also seemed to be expecting to see someone who clearly

looked " insane " ... I just kind of laughed it off. A few years later when she

was

no longer my babysitter, but had her fifth child who was born with a physical

defect - she ended up going over the deep end, had a breakdown, left her

children and her husband, and is now on multiple psychotropic drugs...and

living

a very dangerous lifestyle through drugs and alcohol. I often wonder to

myself - does she think she appears insane to others now that she has a

psychiatric/emotional disturbance? I bet not.

Until one actually walks in our shoes, they have no understanding of the

issues involved. Not every child on medication is " wierd " or needs help. Is

the child who needs insulin to survive perceived as " not normal? " No, because

diabetes is a well known and often talked about disease. Unfortunately,

psychiatric/emotional/neurological disorders seem to be taboo and, again, I

believe this is due to being uneducated.

Maybe your stance in dealing with these insensitive comments is through

education. Throw out a few thoughts or " facts " when these comments come up and

you just might get these people to thinking. It'll be a good way to practice

- LOL - because in the years ahead, educating teachers, etc will feel like a

full-time job.

In a message dated 2/18/2006 11:20:06 AM Central Standard Time,

rnmomo2@... writes:

Any advice about how to deal with the feelings you get about the

insensitivity of others?

[Guest guest]

Bonnie, I can totally relate to the down feeling when people make

insensitive remarks! It is quite natural for us to feel sensitive

when people make remarks without thinking. They don't KNOW what it

is like to have a child with a serious disorder! So they make

remarks because their world does not contain it and they do not have

the knowledge.

When I was camping one time we were all sitting around the fire and

the topic came up about ADHD. One lady said " There is no such thing,

doctors just are quick to medicate and some children are just

active! They just put a disorder on everything so that they don't

have to deal with it " !

I wanted to shout at her, " You are so stupid " . I was so mad. She

doesn't know about Bre and I will not confide in her. Some people

are clueless and have a mind set and you can't change their mind.

That is why I love this group. Everyone here can relate and knows

how I feel. I do look at the wonderful things about Bre and cherish

those things! Stay postive and remember you have us to vent to.

Hugs! Sandy

-- In , " rnmomo2 " <rnmomo2@...> wrote:

>

> I have been feeling quite depressed since my son's diagnosis and

> throughout the waxing and waning of his OCD. I have come to the

> conclusion that I need to branch out a bit so that I am not so

> isolated and so that I might have some fun once in a while. I am

> trying to " round out my life " more because it is so easy to sit and

> worry all day and that can't be healthy.

>

> I have been having a couple of new friends over for coffee. They

have

> children my children's age and I thought it would be good to

establish

> some relationships (we've just been here 1 1/2yrs). They don't

know

> much about my son other than my telling them that he is an " anxious

> kid " - this didn't phase them at all. One knows that he goes to a

> therapist. The problem is that when we talk about mutual

> acquaintances or family ect.., they sometimes make cracks about a

> child needing to be medicated or say something like that kid has

> serious problems. I believe that if they knew what my son deals

with,

> they would never say such things. Since they have met and like

him, I

> think that they would feel the same regardless. Dare I say,

perhaps

> they would learn a thing or two - haha! Anyway, it sometimes

bothers

> me when they do crack a joke or say something about child behavior

> similar to my son's. In other words, I find myself a little

sensitive

> and defensive.

>

> My best friend knows all about my son (has seen him in a rage even)

> and loves him just the same. Her son has played with mine since

they

> were in diapers. Fortunately, she lives just 3 miles away. She

will

> always be a source of friendship and support and is like family.

>

> Any advice about how to deal with the feelings you get about the

> insensitivity of others?

>

> Bonnie

>

[Guest guest]

If you don't plan on telling them then there's no need to take their

talk personally - but, would you sit quietly if they had been talking

that way about how incredibly ugly a little girl was? Or about how

that young black boy's skin is so dark they're sure he'll grow up to

join a gang and end up in prison?

I would have tried to turn the conversation - said that it must take

super parents to raise the children with health problems - and that I

admire their resilience and hard work finding ways to give their

children what they need.

Then I would have commented on how glad I am that depression finally

isn't a taboo topic or the source of mean-spirited gossip or

stereotype judgments - now people, even children, can talk about

their problems with depression and get the help they need without

worrying about people labeling them as 'crazy' or talking behind

their back about them.

I would have pointed out to them what they were doing by talking

about how people used to treat depression - some would get my point

and some wouldn't.

>

> I have been feeling quite depressed since my son's diagnosis and

> throughout the waxing and waning of his OCD. I have come to the

> conclusion that I need to branch out a bit so that I am not so

> isolated and so that I might have some fun once in a while. I am

> trying to " round out my life " more because it is so easy to sit and

> worry all day and that can't be healthy.

>

> I have been having a couple of new friends over for coffee. They

have

> children my children's age and I thought it would be good to

establish

> some relationships (we've just been here 1 1/2yrs). They don't know

> much about my son other than my telling them that he is an " anxious

> kid " - this didn't phase them at all. One knows that he goes to a

> therapist. The problem is that when we talk about mutual

> acquaintances or family ect.., they sometimes make cracks about a

> child needing to be medicated or say something like that kid has

> serious problems. I believe that if they knew what my son deals

with,

> they would never say such things. Since they have met and like

him, I

> think that they would feel the same regardless. Dare I say, perhaps

> they would learn a thing or two - haha! Anyway, it sometimes

bothers

> me when they do crack a joke or say something about child behavior

> similar to my son's. In other words, I find myself a little

sensitive

> and defensive.

>

> My best friend knows all about my son (has seen him in a rage even)

> and loves him just the same. Her son has played with mine since

they

> were in diapers. Fortunately, she lives just 3 miles away. She

will

> always be a source of friendship and support and is like family.

>

> Any advice about how to deal with the feelings you get about the

> insensitivity of others?

>

> Bonnie

>