Re: Roots of poor eye contact

[Guest guest]

> : "..... I prefer written communication...."You got that write!  Rainbow

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you're back, I missed your pun-filled self.

>

> > : " ..... I prefer written communication.... "

>

> You got that write!

>

> Rainbow

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you're back, I missed your pun-filled self.

>

> > : " ..... I prefer written communication.... "

>

> You got that write!

>

> Rainbow

>

[Guest guest]

" Eye respect " - I like that! :-)

Inger

Re: Re: Roots of poor eye contact

We need to stop calling it " poor eye contact " as if this behavior had

something bad about it.

How about calling it " eye respect " ? (We instinctively feel enough

respect for others not to stare at their eyes even if they stare at

ours - we don't cast our glance, like a challenge, into their faces.)

Yours for better letters,

Kate Gladstone

Handwriting Repair and the World Handwriting Contest

handwritingrepair@...

http://learn.to/handwrite, http://www.global2000.net/handwritingrepair

325 South Manning Boulevard

Albany, New York 12208-1731 USA

telephone 518/482-6763

AND REMEMBER ...

you can order books through my site!

(Amazon.com link -

I get a 5% - 15% commission on each book sold)

FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and

acceptance. Everyone is valued.

Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the

folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

[Guest guest]

Another missed post...

:

> In my family if a woman has a problem it was generally accepted that she

> should keep it to herself and deal with it herself - like if you're going

> to have a breakdown, do it quickly, quietely - in private and then get on

> with your life

as soon as possible.

Weird. As if problems go away just because you ignore them?

For some reason the above reminded me of my Aspie XH. A lady at a party got

a bit drunk and started crying. XH says to her comfortingly " Oh, that's

fine, you go on and have a good cry. " But then added, a little more sternly,

" ...but not for too long! " :-D

> I don't know if this advice was ever any good to anyone - I think it just

> taught people to supress their true feelings

and put on a face (act) - but that is how some are brought up in the UK -

stiff upper lip and all.

Must be terrible to grow up in a culture like that. I don't think it's good

to suppress your feelings, not healthy at all! (Though I don't think you'd

be too comfortable in France, where excessive body contact seems to be

considered perfectly normal.)

> For me personally to seek help outside the family was considered bad

> indeed - like some stigma attached to it - I think some of the family

> accept it now, but it is like an old fashioned belief of 'mental illness'

> sort of thing - does anyone else get this?

Yes, it does indeed sound like that old fashioned belief that ANY emotional

imbalance was = nuts and that this was a shameful thing to be. I don't get

it at all. Isn't it better to seek professional help than to go around

suffering in silence? Some would suffer physical ailments in silence too

rather than to " bother " a doctor.

Inger

[Guest guest]

OMG Kate! I just found this message in my pile of missed ones. :-(

I'm all shook up and almost in tears just reading about this! How on earth

did you survive with your sanity intact after such sadistic treatment? No

wonder you're not overly keen on discussing personal stuff!

My best friend had family like this too - though not quite THAT bad - and

it's taken her decades of intense therapy to heal herself from the damage

they did.

Inger - not knowing how I can convey my heartfelt sympathy

Re: Re: Roots of poor eye contact

Re:

> The few times I've concentrated on staring into someones' eyes THEY'VE

> >felt uncomfortable--their eyes got wide and they backed off--it's like

> they understood eye contact from my point of view and the way I see it.

I've observed this, too.

In my childhood, every adult in my life punished me for not

looking into his/her eyes - then, when I followed the request to " Look

at me! " the adult would punish me for that, too: " Why are you looking

at me like that?! STOP IT! " [ ** wham! ** ]

Look at the eyes (as they asked), or look away from the eyes (as

they asked after I looked at the eyes), I still got punished - then I

got punished further for pointing this out and asking just where they

*did* want me to look, if they didn't accept looking away and if they

didn't accept not-looking-away.

Some would say " Well, look at me but just look away every so

often, all right? I can't stand people staring at me ... " " All

right, " I'd say, and I would do exactly that ... but it *still*

annoyed them just as much. No matter what combination of looking and

not-looking I tried to use, they never considered it normal,

acceptable " looking " /eye-contact, whatever. Most of them couldn't or

wouldn't say why, but one very honest person (a fourth-grade teacher

who did try very hard to understand me) said: " I don't know WHAT it

is, but whatever you do with your eyes I just can't stand it. " She and

I actually worked together to try and find some way of

looking/not-looking that she and others would not consider offensive

(trying different timings, etc.) ... but WE COULDN'T! After a year of

frustration (we had met once a week privately - at my own request - to

try and solve this problem), she concluded: " For the life of me I

can't see what you do with your eyes when you look, or don't look,

that is different from what anyone else does with their eyes when they

look or don't look at people - you can look or not look, and anyone

else can look or not look in exactly the same way, but it looks

'wrong' to people when you do it and 'right' when someone else does

it. I know the problem is with me and other people and not with you,

and I have no idea how to fix that problem. It's as if you are a cat

and everyone else is dogs. The dogs instinctively hate the cat, and

when the cat tries to be a dog they still hate it just as much even if

they consciously want to be friends with the cat, because

unconsciously they know it's still a cat, and our instincts are

unconscious. "

Even worse: remember that, for a child standing directly in front of

an adult, " look in my eyes " has to mean " look up " - and many adults in

my life considered it rude, very rude and wrong, for a child to " stare

at the ceiling " as needed to look in the eyes of a standing adult. So

they would say " look straight ahead " - and I'd look straight ahead -

hence, necessarily, straight at the adult's stomach ... and get zapped

for that, too.

I'd ask why I, but not other children, got punished for these

necessary consequences of following commands. For asking this, some

adults would punish me further. Others would " explain " that, well,

when *other* children looked in this or that direction (or straight up

or straight ahead), somehow when they did so it just didn't look wrong

but when i did so it always looked wrong: " I don't know what, exactly,

you're doing wrong - but, whatever it is, you MUST stop it! "

Yours for better letters,

Kate Gladstone

Handwriting Repair and the World Handwriting Contest

handwritingrepair@...

http://learn.to/handwrite, http://www.global2000.net/handwritingrepair

325 South Manning Boulevard

Albany, New York 12208-1731 USA

telephone 518/482-6763

AND REMEMBER ...

you can order books through my site!

(Amazon.com link -

I get a 5% - 15% commission on each book sold)

FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and

acceptance. Everyone is valued.

Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the

folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

[Guest guest]

Continuing to read earlier messages....

Tom:

> The only parties I ever go to are ones with relatives.

Same here.

> I rarely if ever drink, but have nursed a drink through a party so as to

> keep my hands busy, or, if I said something stupid, to blame it on the

> drink.

LOL!

>Ginger ale makes a good substitute for alcohol. It looks like alcohol, and

>unless someone smells the drink, you can pretend that alcohol is what it

>is.

Great tip!

I only like bubbly water but I often make sure to walk around with a glass

of it in my right hand so as to have an excuse to at least not have to

extend my right hand if someone insists on handshakes.

Hmm, wonder why ladies used to wear long gloves at parties before... pity

that custom has become unfashionable.

Inger

[Guest guest]

" Hmm, wonder why ladies used to wear long gloves at parties before...

pity that custom has become unfashionable. "

Wonder if it would cut down on spread of germs - keep my hands clean -

I might have to dig out my black lace gloves :-) - not long ones

though.

>

> Continuing to read earlier messages....

>

> Tom:

>

> > The only parties I ever go to are ones with relatives.

>

> Same here.

>

> > I rarely if ever drink, but have nursed a drink through a party

so as to

> > keep my hands busy, or, if I said something stupid, to blame it

on the

> > drink.

>

> LOL!

>

> >Ginger ale makes a good substitute for alcohol. It looks like

alcohol, and

> >unless someone smells the drink, you can pretend that alcohol is

what it

> >is.

>

> Great tip!

>

> I only like bubbly water but I often make sure to walk around with

a glass

> of it in my right hand so as to have an excuse to at least not have

to

> extend my right hand if someone insists on handshakes.

>

> Hmm, wonder why ladies used to wear long gloves at parties

before... pity

> that custom has become unfashionable.

>

> Inger

>

[Guest guest]

>> Hmm, wonder why ladies used to wear long gloves at parties before...

pity

> that custom has become unfashionable.

>

> Inger

>

And it's a bit of a deterrant from catching a cold.