Re: shower time- long

[Guest guest]

,

My son is 13 as well, SAME issues. We have him put on a bathing suit about once a month & watch/direct the showering. I took him to the store to pick out his products, since sensory is such an issue. He has improved a bit, now we just have to drill in not to use the whole bottle of shampoo at once!

I can tell you the backtalk has us climbing the walls as well. Just last week we started having him write "I will not backtalk" 50 times for every time. It may sound harsh to some, but we feel it's the only punishment that may break this. Also, being that you are the step-parent, your husband should be the main disciplinary. My husband is Ken's stepfather, and I see better results when I am in charge.

Ahhhhhhhhh these teenage years.

shower time- long

Does anyone have any advice on how to make sure their child is actually washing when in the shower? My 13y/o aspie is terrible at personal hygiene. We found out he would just turn the water on and pretend to get washed, won't brush his teeth if he doesn't feel like it, and washing his hair? Forget it. We've went so far as to be in the bathroom when he's showering to make sure he's getting cleaned, (we turned our backs while he was getting undressed and there was a towel put on the rack so nothing could be seen from the waist down.) we did this for a few weeks, prompting, until we were pretty certain he knew what to do. Didn't make him happy, but we weren't happy with a child who smelled and looked dirty. We still do the same thing with his teeth, I watch while he does them to make sure they are getting done. The last time he went for a check up, he had 8 cavities, that's how we found out he wasnt doing his teeth. I wash his hair for him to, the cradle cap was unreal because he wouldn't rinse the shampoo out. Hygiene is only the tip of the iceburg with him, I'm at a loss anymore and getting very stressed out. Mike is my husbands son, I adopted him and his sister in January. I've known him since he was 8 and I sometimes wonder if I can handle this. My three biological sons are 15 and older. They have always known if I say something to do it, there isn't any backtalk (within reason) or looks of hatred from them. Mike, on the other hand, is mr. doom and gloom. The world is coming down on him if we say anything negative, he is stubborn, defiant, and will do things just because he wants to regardless that there are consequences. If we let him, he would live in his room with a harry potter book with no contact with anyone else. He says I'm difficult to talk to because I don't understand him and agree with things he says, he doesn't seem to understand that to function in society you have to follow certain rules and do certain things. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just so frustrated, I don't know who to talk to anymore. His dad knows theres something wrong with Mike, but he's very laid back and I do all the disciplining. That's how Mikes always been with him, he says he's used to it. I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

,

We've tried writing sentences, but it doesn't help.

Mike's TSS worker also said his dad, Mark, should

handle some of the disciplining since Mike seems to

think I'm the " wicked witch " , the problem is I'm with

Mike alot more than Mark is. I work from home so I'm

with him all day, and to deal with some situations,

you have to do it right then, not when his dad gets

home. He does know that we stand together on things,

though. Mike always says I'm on his back about

everything, if he could just understand that if he

made the choices we've been trying to drill into him,

we would leave him alone, so to speak. His docter

said it would get worse during the teen years, I

figured since I raised three other boys, no problem.

Wrong! lol.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

My dd is also a 13 y/o aspie and some things with personal care, I have just had to learn to let go. Per the doctors, "these children do not do routine, mundane tasks." For example, brushing hair and teeth, cleaning up room etc. I have had to "choose my battles" decide which things I absolutely cannot budge on and which I, and wash your hair and body and you MUST rinse it correctly (we let her change back to "baby" shampoo as it seems to rinse out easier etc) On the flip side, I "ignore" when she does not brush her hair every day. Her teachers and staff at school (she is fully mainstreamed and always has been in regular classes, honor roll) know that hair brushing etc are just things she does not always do. I have to remind her every day to wear deoderant or she will not, tooth brushing is something that she does when SHE feels like it, not as regularly as she should. I told her if she did not shower and take care of her hair appropriately, I would have it cut short,

some days I wish she was a boy so we could give her a buzz cut! lol Her room used to be a PIT but I clean it for her periodically and have found that she is actually keeping it up MUCH better than she used to on her own. It is not a perfect system but it has helped us have less confrontations and meltdowns so I guess I feel the "choose your battles so you can win the war." strategy has worked for us. My dd is also rude, angry and disrespectful at times. I have learned to let SOME of that slip but she knows there are certain lines she ABSOLUTELY cannot cross. I give a little to save us all the head and heartaches. The more reactions she gets, the more she attacks, I have found that MOST times, if I let one minor thing slip, "eye rolling, muttering under her breath etc" then it USUALLY defuse the situation where if I did with her as I do with my NT kids, and jump right in on it, it only escalates. She LOVES to "get to me" she even tells her

therapist that she just likes to "make mom feel bad when she feels bad." I have learned that much of what she says and does to me is because she is upset and unable to "properly" express what she is feeling in words so she lashes out at a "safe" person, someone she knows loves her and will not leave. So in a way I guess it could be a compliment from your son that it is you he tests OR it could be a test to see if you will leave him as he perceives others have in the past. My dd is that way with men, any man who is around is automatically tested viciously to see if he will still "love" her and us and stay around because dad left so therefore, men leave..... Sorry this is so long, got going there. Just my opinions and what I feel was good advice I got over the years. Good luck and God bless!DeeDeeangelndragon03 <blueblazer_16201@...> wrote: Does anyone have any advice on how to make sure their child is actually washing when in the shower? My 13y/o aspie is terrible at personal hygiene. We found out he would just turn the water on and pretend to get washed, won't brush his teeth if he doesn't feel like it, and washing his hair? Forget it. We've went so far as to be in the bathroom when he's showering to make sure he's getting cleaned, (we turned our backs while he was getting undressed and there was a towel put on the rack so nothing could be seen from the waist down.) we did this for a few weeks,

prompting, until we were pretty certain he knew what to do. Didn't make him happy, but we weren't happy with a child who smelled and looked dirty. We still do the same thing with his teeth, I watch while he does them to make sure they are getting done. The last time he went for a check up, he had 8 cavities, that's how we found out he wasnt doing his teeth. I wash his hair for him to, the cradle cap was unreal because he wouldn't rinse the shampoo out. Hygiene is only the tip of the iceburg with him, I'm at a loss anymore and getting very stressed out. Mike is my husbands son, I adopted him and his sister in January. I've known him since he was 8 and I sometimes wonder if I can handle this. My three biological sons are 15 and older. They have always known if I say something to do it, there isn't any backtalk (within reason) or looks of hatred from them. Mike, on the other hand, is mr. doom and gloom. The world is

coming down on him if we say anything negative, he is stubborn, defiant, and will do things just because he wants to regardless that there are consequences. If we let him, he would live in his room with a harry potter book with no contact with anyone else. He says I'm difficult to talk to because I don't understand him and agree with things he says, he doesn't seem to understand that to function in society you have to follow certain rules and do certain things. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just so frustrated, I don't know who to talk to anymore. His dad knows theres something wrong with Mike, but he's very laid back and I do all the disciplining. That's how Mikes always been with him, he says he's used to it. I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.

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[Guest guest]

DeeDee,

Thanks for the advice, we did end up cutting

Mike's hair, the last day of school I got the clippers

and buzzed it off. My husband asked why, I told him

instead of fighting with Mike every day it was better

to cut it short and not worry about it. (He looks

better with a crew cut anyhow. lol) We also tried the

liquid soap for him, but if Mike doesnt want to get

washed, Mike's not getting washed. lol.

I've noticed that if he's upset about something I

say, he'll stomp his foot, roll his eyes, or whatever.

He knows it sets me off and told his therapist it's

'fun' to upset me. It's very hard to just ignore the

behavior though. With the other kids, they'd be in

trouble and Mike always says he wants to be like them.

I honestly don't know if he's even capable of worrying

about me leaving. He doesn't seem to have a bond with

anyone, even his father who's had him for the last 6

years. He's never mentioned his biological mother,

doesn't seem to remember her. When we went through the

adoption process he had to talk to an attorney because

of his age, he said it didn't bother him that he had

no contact with his BM. His sister now calls me mom,

but Mike has always stuck with . I'm getting

used to it, that's whats familiar to him.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

, If it helps at all. I am the "natural" mother of my dd who is 13 with AS, ADHD, ODD and mood disorder NOS and she thinks I am the "wicked witch" and her stepmom is an angel. It is easy to think someone you see 4 days per month is so wonderful because there really is no time for her to work up to a meltdown etc and they all do whatever they want there. As far as why they feel that way about us, I think it is because they are so resistant to doing anything that they do not "want" to do. So if they are obsessing or not grooming or whatever, they are doing what they want and if we try to "correct" the behavior or redirect it, then we are making them leave what they want to do, leave a familiar pattern AND do something we want them to do and that is alot for therm to handle at once so unfortunately it is difficult to get them to do and they lash out. We too have had no luck with

the journal or writing paragraphs. If she wants to write, it is a subject she wants to write about, not her "feelings or thoughts" etc. My dd says I am always on her back also but I remind her that I would not be if she did what she knows she is supposed to do. She also says "you always yell at me" but when I speak to her conversationally, she completely blocks me out so by the 3rd, 4th, 20th time I have to repeat myself having had NO indication that she even acknowledges my existance, yes, I raise my voice. We are working on her responding in some way to indicate that she has heard me such as "ok", just a minute, yeah mom, ANYTHING! lol so that I know she is listening and then I give her a few minutes to do whatever and if not then I remove her from the situation ( for example, turn off the tv, computer, take away the book) and therefore, make sure she is paying full attention to me. (yes this does cause some conflict but I make her take responsibility,

ex. if you had responded and done as asked, I would not have turned off your video game so it was your decision. ANYWAY, I think you are a saint to take on Mike. Some days I want to throw in the towel and send my dd to her dad and say, YOUR TURN!!! and she is my natural child, I can only imagine with having NT stepkids of my own and an AS child who is "mine". You may not feel appreciated at home but I know you certainly are here! and the reward will come when he grows up to be a good person and someday realizes you did all you did to help him! Good luck and God Bless! DeeDee Mother of Elissa 13 AS, ADHD, ODD and mood disorder nos Aslynne 15 and Ty 6 NT and stepmom of 8 nt Mercaides 4 nt and Seth 2 nt <blueblazer_16201@...> wrote: ,We've tried writing sentences, but it doesn't help.Mike's TSS worker also said his dad, Mark, shouldhandle some of the disciplining since Mike seems tothink I'm the "wicked witch", the problem is I'm withMike alot more than Mark is. I work from home so I'mwith him all day, and to deal with some situations,you have to do it right then, not when his dad getshome. He does know that we stand together on things,though. Mike always says I'm on his back abouteverything, if he could just understand that if hemade the choices we've been trying to drill into him,we would leave him alone, so to speak. His

doctersaid it would get worse during the teen years, Ifigured since I raised three other boys, no problem.Wrong! lol. __________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

, again, sounds VERY familiar. I have learned to "ignore" the eye rolling and the first time of stomping or slamming doors etc. if at all possible. I think of it like we always told our kids, "your brother, sister or the bully at school, is just doing "x" to get a rise out of you, if you don't respond, it will no longer be "fun" and they will quit." So if I do not rise to the bait, she usually gives up, although she will occasionally think up something truly sinister to upset me and push buttons, by and large, it really helps though if I do not show a reaction to the behaviors. I also think it helps them to calm down if they think they are "getting away with something". BUT if she is going to hurt herself, or others or does not stop with once small incident, then I go after it! For example the other day I was feeding my daycare kids (all under age 4) lunch, she came downstairs, went to the fridge and started in, slamming things and called me the "b" word. I just

said, you need to go back upstairs until you can be civil, my thought being that I did not want to call attention to what she had said to the little ones as that is a sure way to make them repeat the word and I would not have to deal with a meltdown, ANYWAY, she repeated it, screaming at me and refused to go upstairs, and started in with the mouth so I ended up having to physically take her arms and move her through the door to the foyer (about 4 feet from where she was) and shut it (leaving my 15 yr old nt daughter with the little ones) until I could get her to stop and go upstairs. This was not easy as she is only about an inch shorter than me now, although I guess I finally found a good use for my leftover "baby fat" from having the three of them as she is only 100 # so I have about 50# on her! lol Oh well, the point is, I ignore when possible, and act decisively when it is not, I do not care where we are or what is going on, if I have to

separate her and deal with her behavior, or do so right there in public, I will. Of course, I have her therapist and doctors etc to back me up if it were every required due to one of those "do good, poor little girl" type people who have NO idea what it is like to have ANY kids, let alone one on the spectrum! Nuff said I guess! God bless! DeeDee <blueblazer_16201@...> wrote: DeeDee,Thanks for the advice, we did end up cuttingMike's hair, the last day of

school I got the clippersand buzzed it off. My husband asked why, I told himinstead of fighting with Mike every day it was betterto cut it short and not worry about it. (He looksbetter with a crew cut anyhow. lol) We also tried theliquid soap for him, but if Mike doesnt want to getwashed, Mike's not getting washed. lol.I've noticed that if he's upset about something Isay, he'll stomp his foot, roll his eyes, or whatever.He knows it sets me off and told his therapist it's'fun' to upset me. It's very hard to just ignore thebehavior though. With the other kids, they'd be introuble and Mike always says he wants to be like them.I honestly don't know if he's even capable of worryingabout me leaving. He doesn't seem to have a bond withanyone, even his father who's had him for the last 6years. He's never mentioned his biological mother,doesn't seem to remember her. When we went through theadoption process he

had to talk to an attorney becauseof his age, he said it didn't bother him that he hadno contact with his BM. His sister now calls me mom,but Mike has always stuck with . I'm gettingused to it, that's whats familiar to him.__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

DeeDee,

I noticed you wrote you have a daycare. I also have

a group daycare out of the house, does your daughter

tend to gravitate towards the younger children? Mike

seems to like interacting alot with the little ones, I

don't know if it's because he can be 'superior' to

them or not. He can get pretty bossy and told an

adult at camp that I watched a 7y/o who was really

annoying. This is a typical 7y/o who Mike always asks

to play with until he does something Mike doesnt agree

with, then he starts complaining. Mike has a real

problem with communicating to me and his dad about

anything, so instead of him saying " , he's

bothering me, " all I hear all day is " quit it, stop

it, don't do that, etc. " But the next day he's back to

playing with them again.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

DeeDee,

I noticed you wrote you have a daycare. I also have

a group daycare out of the house, does your daughter

tend to gravitate towards the younger children? Mike

seems to like interacting alot with the little ones, I

don't know if it's because he can be 'superior' to

them or not. He can get pretty bossy and told an

adult at camp that I watched a 7y/o who was really

annoying. This is a typical 7y/o who Mike always asks

to play with until he does something Mike doesnt agree

with, then he starts complaining. Mike has a real

problem with communicating to me and his dad about

anything, so instead of him saying " , he's

bothering me, " all I hear all day is " quit it, stop

it, don't do that, etc. " But the next day he's back to

playing with them again.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

My Son Steve whose now 18 and AS always played with kids younger than him. It wasn't until this last year and testing done by the school district that we found out why. Although he is 18 and can pass as 18 most of the time, his cognizant level was that of a much younger young man...around 12! It really helped to know that.

My Size Barbie Fashions by Rainysnana can be found at my store at The Doll Pagehttp://www.rainysnana.com

[Guest guest]

, Yes, my daughter does gravitate to the younger children. She is EXCELLENT with toddlers, she will even change diapers (usually only wet but sometimes icky if for some reason I can't, hands full with another etc) Anyone where she can "control" the situation/interaction. The only "friends" she has are usually a few years younger so she can be in control also. She is really not doing well with getting older and the other girls getting interested in boys, makeup, clothes etc. as she could care less re any of that, Now with my nt 6 yr old, she is the best big sister one minute, reading stories to him, playing with him (as long as he "plays" the way she says) and then the next, she is screaming at me and him, telling me how spoiled he is and he gets away with everything and she is SO abused etc. Pretty much, I give him the allowances any 6 yr old should have and she got and many still gets and she can't stand it! For example, why do I

have to do "whatever", Ty doesn't have to, then I point out, "well you did not when you were 6 either and in fact, half the time you don't do "whatever" at 13 so that is why." and she just goes on about how spoiled he and their older sister are and how EVERYTHING is about them and never her, when it often ends up being the opposite way due to her issues! She has no trouble communicating her "problems" with him to me, it is with letting me handle it and not taking matters into her own hands (usually violently) that she does not do well. for example on Friday, he had taken her "Leppy" (stuffed Leopard) and was "touching" it. Now mind you, this toy USED to be a security object, obsession, whatever with her but she had not even touched it in months at this point. But since he was touching it..... (which I am sure was his point....) anyway, I am standing 3 ft from them both, making him give it to her, apologize and go to his room

for a timeout when she just kicks him as hard as she can and screams see, you NEVER punish him and them gets even madder when I send her to HER room and take away a privledge for the next week. (while still going through with his punishment) and says, well, I should not be punished, HE did it! TOTALLY UNREASONABLE! Very frustrating........ Don't know what to else to say except I DO understand......, not sure what all to do about it, but I DO understand! Good luck and God bless! DeeDee <blueblazer_16201@...> wrote: DeeDee,I noticed you wrote you have a daycare. I also havea group daycare out of the house, does your daughtertend to gravitate towards the younger children? Mikeseems to like interacting alot with the little ones, Idon't know if it's because he can be 'superior' tothem or not. He can get pretty bossy and told anadult at camp that I watched a 7y/o who was reallyannoying. This is a typical 7y/o who Mike always asksto play with until he does something Mike doesnt agreewith, then he starts complaining. Mike has a realproblem with communicating to me and his dad aboutanything, so instead of him saying ", he'sbothering me," all I hear all day is "quit it, stopit, don't do that, etc." But the next day he's back

toplaying with them again. __________________________________________________