NEWBIE<~~~~REPLIES PLEASE!!!

[Guest guest]

i collapsed dec 16th '07 due to complications of full blown aids. since then i have been on a long hard road to attempt to recover and lead at least a somewhat normal life. im a straight white male/non drug injector who WAS addicted to women. in retrospect i suppose it stemmed from low self esteem but....look what it got me. my viral load was 290,000 when diagnosed (Dr estimated id had it for at least 10 years) and my cd4 count was 6.9 %/ t-cell count was 19. i also had viral menangitis and pcp pneumonia. i am now 39 yrs old and i had never had an HIV test. i was on self destruct back then and didnt want to know. i never got the karposis sarcoma on my skin because mine is on my brain. the only reason im still alive is because my girlfriend(who is a nurse) cared enough about me to nurse me back to health and a damn good dr who nailed that evil virus to the

wall with Kaletra and Epzicom. my viral load, for the past 7 months has been below 48 and my cd4 is creeping up ever-so-slowly to 8.1% now. my t-cell count is 97. i am reminded daily of the old saying " the cure is worse than the disease" when i have daily nausea/puking/ hershey squirts. kaletra is mean stuff man. im soooo tired of fighting the fight guys. my 1 year death/birthday is coming up and it looks like SHE is done with me....kicking me to the curb........Im tellin ya guys....i dont know if i even want to "keep up the good fight". ive spent my whole sexual life chasing whores and other types of women of loose morals and i have thought i loved before but i didnt . i fell IN love with her before i fell sick and it WAS a great feeling....now im a miserable diseased bastard. im debating on if i should even keep up the meds. they have wreaked havoc on my system anyhow and if i have to be as mentally and amorously bereft as well as

constantly physically ill. WHY TRY?????....Hell....ive lived a full and damned interesting life. i have 5 kids with 5 different women who can carry on my corrupt genes...lol....ive had many good friends over the years and we have shared many great times (even though i have still fallen victim to the SOCIAL death that precedes the actual PHYSICAL death of AIDS nonetheless). i have NEVER known anyone who is POZ or even heard of anyone in these mtns of western NC infected......I....no.....WE have been so damn alone. im sure there are at least a few here who have felt the same way. i USED to be a damn good stone mason. ive built many fine looking homes but these days im always too sick from the meds or fatigued to actually drag my dead ass to a jobsite....dammit!!!.... i used to be someone!!!....hells bells......well.....im through pissing and moaning....."oh boohoo!!...poor me!!"......lol......i hope i havent bummed anyone out with my

pathetic,pitiful rant here.....hope to hear from a few of you guys before i lose access to the net when she throws me out.....peace out........NC (PlagueBoy)

[Guest guest]

Hunter, here is what I would say in response to things you state, having experienced the same thing for the past two years, but, a bit harder and tougher.....(and you may not even get this, as the moderator has an issue with this type of honesty)--you do have local groups to go to and talk about the issues, I head one up in Carson City Nevada, and that is a small place.--low self-esteem does not give you AIDS or transmit HIV. Stop whining about you got it or how you got it or that it might be punishment for your lifestyle! HPVz get passed around just from kissing, along with Herpes, and HPVz are deadly causing many cancers. Women are dealing with constant breast cancer and men with testicular cancer, and MS, all from viruses, so stop whining. Your going to have up and down days, so do others with other viruses, decided ahead of time what your goals could be. It took me the last year to walk again, and find purpose, at 52, but, I knew ahead of time, I wanted a purpose again and would figure that out as I got better, life has fully changed from what it was, and how much I was earning, damn, now it is about 1200.00 a month. Your rant is pathetic, but, understandable, and is curable where the disease just is not yet. Remember that, your attitude is curable!!!!!!--below 400 t-cell, I have endless diarrhea and skin infections, it goes with the territory, your issue may not be with the drugs, I say, may not be, I just want you to know, it took 9 months to get my bowels back into shape that I did not squirt 10 times a day. If I get the flu, like last month, my viral load went from zero to 147,000, and now is back to zero, this is going to happen.--I ask you, how did you treat your kids when they were growing up? Why do you sound so estranged from them; what type of relationship did you create, and now reap the results of that. You have kids, and that is family, and if you supported them, I would be hugely surprised they are not supporting you, right now, and into the future. If you were crap to those kids, well, now you have a goal, to change that, to improve that, to change the course of you cause and effect. I have two siblings, that I raised and devoted my life to, and now in my time of need, one of them is endlessly supportive and every way, the other is a slacker anyhow, oh well, that is 50 percent return, right.--what your girlfriend has given to you, is a great thing and something to be thankful for every day, to her, to her family, to yours. I had to move into a small trailer for the past two years, in an RV park, make incredible friends out of my bigoted neighbors, and rotate help between them, which included taking care of my dog for weeks at a time, carrying me from my truck, taking back and forth to the emergency room and so forth. If I lived in Reno, I would have one of the HIV volunteer groups help with all this, and you may live close enough for a volunteer group help you. And it sounds like you need to make the contact today. Here is one tip, most HIV housing assistance money will only help you if you currently live in a place, so don't get homeless and then ask for help, do it long before you get kicked out. If you are still very sick, apply for your SSDI, you can always give up later when you are well, and at least it provided money for rent and the such. SSDI will ask when you became disable, back date that as far as you can, with honesty, as they will back pay you for all but the first 6 months of a SSDI. i say that again, there is a 6 month wait time they do not pay you for. SSDI has no problem approving someone still in the AIDS zone, below 200 with doctor records, if your above that they get itchy. I know this from comparing stories in my group, with men/women/gay/straight.--this is a new chapter for your life, it is no longer the other chapter, get help, get healthier, and this time, give back while still enjoying your life.--here are some links to help in your area...North Carolina AIDS and Hepatitis ResourcesHIV/STD Prevention and Care: Aids Care UnitNorth Carolina May Expand ADAP Program - The Bodythis may be the group you get housing, funding, help, services, and help applying for SSDIWelcome to the Alliance of AIDS Services • Carolina -aasc.orgOn Dec 10, 2008, at 8:24 PM, PlagueBoy wrote:i collapsed dec 16th '07 due to complications of full blown aids. since then i have been on a long hard road to attempt to recover and lead at least a somewhat normal life. im a straight white male/non drug injector who WAS addicted to women. in retrospect i suppose it stemmed from low self esteem but....look what it got me. my viral load was 290,000 when diagnosed (Dr estimated id had it for at least 10 years) and my cd4 count was 6.9 %/ t-cell count was 19. i also had viral menangitis and pcp pneumonia. i am now 39 yrs old and i had never had an HIV test. i was on self destruct back then and didnt want to know. i never got the karposis sarcoma on my skin because mine is on my brain. the only reason im still alive is because my girlfriend(who is a nurse) cared enough about me to nurse me back to health and a damn good dr who nailed that evil virus to the wall with Kaletra and Epzicom. my viral load, for the past 7 months has been below 48 and my cd4 is creeping up ever-so-slowly to 8.1% now. my t-cell count is 97. i am reminded daily of the old saying " the cure is worse than the disease" when i have daily nausea/puking/ hershey squirts. kaletra is mean stuff man. im soooo tired of fighting the fight guys. my 1 year death/birthday is coming up and it looks like SHE is done with me....kicking me to the curb........Im tellin ya guys....i dont know if i even want to "keep up the good fight". ive spent my whole sexual life chasing whores and other types of women of loose morals and i have thought i loved before but i didnt . i fell IN love with her before i fell sick and it WAS a great feeling....now im a miserable diseased bastard. im debating on if i should even keep up the meds. they have wreaked havoc on my system anyhow and if i have to be as mentally and amorously bereft as well as constantly physically ill. WHY TRY?????....Hell....ive lived a full and damned interesting life. i have 5 kids with 5 different women who can carry on my corrupt genes...lol....ive had many good friends over the years and we have shared many great times (even though i have still fallen victim to the SOCIAL death that precedes the actual PHYSICAL death of AIDS nonetheless). i have NEVER known anyone who is POZ or even heard of anyone in these mtns of western NC infected......I....no.....WE have been so damn alone. im sure there are at least a few here who have felt the same way. i USED to be a damn good stone mason. ive built many fine looking homes but these days im always too sick from the meds or fatigued to actually drag my dead ass to a jobsite....dammit!!!.... i used to be someone!!!....hells bells......well.....im through pissing and moaning....."oh boohoo!!...poor me!!"......lol......i hope i havent bummed anyone out with my pathetic,pitiful rant here.....hope to hear from a few of you guys before i lose access to the net when she throws me out.....peace out........NC (PlagueBoy)