Gay grief is 'a second-class experience'

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From The Sunday Times

December 14, 2008

Gay grief is ‘a second-class experience’

A

report has revealed that gay people who lose a partner experience further

suffering though medical staff treating them differently to heterosexuals

Jan Battles

DOCTORS,

nurses and priests are adding to the suffering of grieving gay people by not

acknowledging their relationship to deceased partners, a study claims.

Some are

being excluded by medical staff despite identifying themselves as next of kin.

They are also

euphemistically referred to as a “friend” or “special

friend” in religious ceremonies, research by nursing experts has found.

This leaves

the surviving partners of same-sex couples feeling

“disenfranchised” while the wider community views the loss they

suffer as less than that of married couples, the authors say.

“Not

having the relationship openly acknowledged at a time when the participants

were in deep emotional pain exacerbated their distress and reinforced their

invisibility,” according to the study by Glackin of St

’s College, Sligo, and Agnes Higgins of Trinity College, Dublin.

They

interviewed seven people whose partners had died to examine the grief

experience of same-sex couples.

“While

the findings suggest the majority did not experience overt discrimination or

homophobia, healthcare professionals and the wider community were complicit in

reinforcing the invisibility of gay/lesbian bereaved people,” said the

study in the International Journal of Palliative Nursing.

One man said

a hospital medical registrar excluded him from discussions about his

partner’s diagnosis, telling the patient’s niece instead —

even though he was listed as first contact. Another said during a meeting for

newly bereaved people in the hospice, a man whose wife had died said:

“You’ve only lost a friend. I’ve lost my wife.”

Higgins said:

“Healthcare professionals are either ignoring the grief experience or

there isn’t the same acknowledgement and discussion around the loss. That

was obvious in the language they used, talking about the loss of a friend.

“[Healthcare

professional] educators need to think outside the heterosexual norm. It’s

about asking questions in a sensitive way and following up cues that people

give.”

Mike ,

43, whose partner of six years died from leukaemia in 2006, believes his

experience with medical staff was more positive. This may have been because his

partner was American and had no family in Ireland.

“Even

though legally we weren’t recognised as a couple, doctors and nurses

included me,” said . “I’ve heard stories where

it’s been the exact opposite, so I suspect I was lucky.”

He knows of a

case where the relationship between the sick person’s partner and their

family was not good and despite being with him for 10 years, the man

wasn’t allowed to see his dying partner. He was also not allowed to have

any input into the funeral arrangements, was not referred to during the service

and was only allowed to sit at the back of the church.

“As far

as I’m concerned, I lost my husband,” said. “But

because it is not recognised and there is nothing written down, in the eyes of

some it doesn’t have the same value and your grief becomes

second-class.”

The Irish

Hospice Foundation, which funded the study, promised to incorporate gay-focused

material in its literature.

Orla Keegan,

the organisation’s head of education, research and bereavement services,

said: “Some assumptions that people can make around grief do cause

personal pain. A loss can only be supported if it’s acknowledged.

“The

depth of the loss isn’t being acknowledged by the community and

neighbourhood.” The Catholic communications office said it had no

official guidelines and situations are most likely dealt with on a case-by-case

basis by priests.

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