Re: pain threshold and giving in

[Guest guest]

Hi Sher,

First, I'm better at suggestions than having any " successful "

experience with some parts of raising teens (single mom, 3 sons!). I

hate conflict, am emotional myself at times, and throw in teen

emotions hating the word " no " ...!!

But luckily my OCD son (17) is my easygoing son so no conflict with

him really. My other sons are: 21 and then, the other twin (to

OCDer) is 17 too of course (they'll be 18 in January).

Thoughts - when OCD is causing the problem, handle it as OCD. If you

feel that OCD has no part in some meltdown, backtalk,

attitude...handle it as you would with anyone. For example, if some

contamination problem/fear sets her off ( " she touched my... " ) and

she's angry, you know the reason for her upset and reaction. But if

it's the typical teen type thing (hates siblings touching/getting

into anything of her's) then you handle it as you would with any of

your kids.

(That said, I never could break one of mine from hitting or throwing

things so impulsively; and I began with that when he first could

walk; finally in his teens he quit!)

It sounds like she has some self-esteem issues?? So hates criticism

of any kind (hey, I hate it too!). Maybe some building up over the

next weeks, just positive comments about her (clothes, hair, a " thank

you " , " can you help me... " - she's oldest...) any situation that

might give a chance for something positive to be said. And, if you

can bear it depending on what's going on, ignore the attitude or

whatever situations you can let slide by. See if just hearing

positives for a couple weeks or 3 makes any dent in attitude.

Just some thoughts. Of course I thought of all the " talks " or

lectures you could give too, LOL, but I know you've said lots over

the years. SIGH! I recall telling once (my OCDer/easygoing)

to PLEASE not start with the teenage mouth/attitude, that my other 2

were all I could handle at that time and I thought " 3 " sons would

really push me over the edge, so to please put it off a while til one

of the others were past it!

>

> Yes, , if I am honest, I can see that we have given in way

more

> with D (our 18 yr old with OCD, oldest of 4) than any of our others.

> We broke almost all of our 'parenting' guidelines with her, because

> at the time, she was (and is) so needy, and has so much insecurity

> and guilt...felt so unworthy of love...I don't know, she was our

> first, and we make a lot of mistakes with the first. None life-

> threatening, thank God. No make-up until age 16, we broke that one

> when she was 13 because her first compulsion was to over-groom (ie

> pick her face and body until it was covered with scabs) and she

> needed makeup to cover the marks. No hair-dying (I had never even

> thought about an age for that because I had never dyed mine, nor

did

> my friends) but we let her at 14. We stuck to 'no dating until

16',

> but just barely. Clothes were a major battle - her taste seemed

> bizarre and immodest and purely for shock value. Any rules we made

> or constructive criticism we gave, our D overreacted with severe

> depression and self-hatred, or explosions against us. I thank God

> she has contamination and pain issues, otherwise it would've been

> tatoos and piercings. And yet, she is as immature and naive as a

10

> yr old. I am currently seriously considering starting a tough love

> group here (we have none at present), because my D is very tough to

> parent. Her behavior negatively affects our family, not just

> stressing the adults, but the little kids get scared. My 9 yr old

> has recently begun showing mild anxiety and compulsive behavior to

> reduce that anxiety, and I worry that either she also has OCD or

that

> this is the effect of her sis's roller coaster life.

> So, yes, we are evidence that parents do give in more so for OCD

> kids, although I don't beleive this has made my daughter worse.

Yet

> it enables my D to continue her OCD stuff, rather than moving

forward

> in a therapeutic or positive manner....I need better parenting

> skills!!! Help! Sher

>