Re: Introduction and problem...sorry for the length

January 20, 2008

Hello Kathleen

I just wanted to say that I SO feel for you and know exactly what you are going through! My daughter has experienced this so many times with her son, my grandson (now 14 and at residential school). I don't know if you live in the states....we are in England....but obviously that doesn't mean the problems are different. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone...advising you is another thing...wish I could! Please don;t feel guilty though. You are only human and I defy anyone to go through these things without saying or doing things they wish they hadn't. I do hope things improve for both you and your son.

Warmest regards

Eileen

Introduction and problem...sorry for the length

Hi, I'm new to the list and was going to "lurk" for awhile and try to learn things but tonight something happened that has never happened before and I'm not sure how to respond to it and was hoping for some advice or experience.I am a single mom, I have a 15 year old boy and a 10 year old boy who has PDD. There is a long story behind it but things have been very hard this winter (school, teacher abuse, me taking him out of school, etc.), and his behavior has been horrible at times, even more so than I could have ever imagined.Anyway, every night I fight with him about taking a shower. He doesn't want to bathe or brush his teeth, If I don't check and force him, he will put his dirty clothes back on after a shower. (He wants to wear the same thing over and over and hates the new clothes). So tonight, I put my foot down because he hasn't showered in a few days and I didn't have the energy to fight anymore so I let it go that long. When I told him to get in the shower he got really mad as usual but he drew back his fist to hit me. I could see something "go off" in his eyes that made him stop but I got in his face and told him if he EVER raised his hand to hit me that I would beat the you know what out of him. Then, I regained my composure somewhat (I would never hit him but I was mad and he was calling me names and yelling and telling me how mean I was, etc. Then I told him that I wouldn't hit him but I would call the crisis center or the police and that they would take him away for trying to hurt me. He said "I woudl never forgive you" and I was so mad I said, oh well. He said "I'll just go live at Grandmas" and I told him "no you wont' because she won't let you". At this point my teenager actually appeared out of his room (lol) and told Tyler that he was such a bad son. That was what made him lose it. He started crying and screaming and seemed truly angry and HURT that someone would say that. I said well are you acting like a good son right now? Then he snuck in my room and called his grandma and started telling her how mean his brother and I am and how he "needed a break from this place", but failed to mention what he did. Anyway when I heard him talking on the phone, I picked up the other extension to listen. When he was done I said tell her what else you did. then he got mad that I was listening and started yelling and this is what concerns me...He yells and screams a lot and calls me mean or whatever but tonight he said I hate you, you piss me off you freakin bitch. This is my TEN year old little boy. I didn't say anything because I was in shock and he hung up the phone. Then he came in here and looked me dead in the eyes and screamed (in a mean, scary way) how much he hated me, how mean I was and how I pissed him off and freaking this and freaking that...Again, I didn't say anything or react and he went into my room and started throwing things, kicking things..etc. When he was in the shower I went into my room to see if he was okay and he had locked me out. I picked the lock and opened my door to a room that looked like a tornado had just gone through there.I was so mad that I did something terrible and now I feel so guilty that I don't know what to do...I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone and am scared to tell our counselor...I went into the other bathroom and flushed the toilet (twice) while he was in the shower. He came out and yelled that it was freaking cold and I caught myself giggling (not in front of him). Am I the most horrible mom or what? How could I do such a thing? I don't take the name calling and the "i hate you's" personally and I know that he cannot control himself but I did it anyway.Can anyone give me their advice? Has anyone been through this and did you do anything as bad as what I did? How should I punish him? If I show him that he got to me, he will use it in the future. If I ignore it and don't punish him, he will think he can get away with it again. I am so confused...Thanks,Kathleen

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January 20, 2008

If flushing the toilet is all you did after going thru a horrible evening like that then you have nothing at all to feel bad about. Does your son with PDD have any counciling? I know from your post that the school doesn't seem to be very helpful and looks like they may even be part of the problem. I think it would be a good idea to start looking for some services in the community. I'm not sure where you live . thekatsmeow1969 <katdriggers@...> wrote: Hi, I'm new to the list and was going to "lurk" for

awhile and try to learn things but tonight something happened that has never happened before and I'm not sure how to respond to it and was hoping for some advice or experience.I am a single mom, I have a 15 year old boy and a 10 year old boy who has PDD. There is a long story behind it but things have been very hard this winter (school, teacher abuse, me taking him out of school, etc.), and his behavior has been horrible at times, even more so than I could have ever imagined.Anyway, every night I fight with him about taking a shower. He doesn't want to bathe or brush his teeth, If I don't check and force him, he will put his dirty clothes back on after a shower. (He wants to wear the same thing over and over and hates the new clothes). So tonight, I put my foot down because he hasn't showered in a few days and I didn't have the energy to fight anymore so I let it go that long. When I told him to get in the

shower he got really mad as usual but he drew back his fist to hit me. I could see something "go off" in his eyes that made him stop but I got in his face and told him if he EVER raised his hand to hit me that I would beat the you know what out of him. Then, I regained my composure somewhat (I would never hit him but I was mad and he was calling me names and yelling and telling me how mean I was, etc. Then I told him that I wouldn't hit him but I would call the crisis center or the police and that they would take him away for trying to hurt me. He said "I woudl never forgive you" and I was so mad I said, oh well. He said "I'll just go live at Grandmas" and I told him "no you wont' because she won't let you". At this point my teenager actually appeared out of his room (lol) and told Tyler that he was such a bad son. That was what made him lose it. He started crying and screaming and seemed truly angry and HURT

that someone would say that. I said well are you acting like a good son right now? Then he snuck in my room and called his grandma and started telling her how mean his brother and I am and how he "needed a break from this place", but failed to mention what he did. Anyway when I heard him talking on the phone, I picked up the other extension to listen. When he was done I said tell her what else you did. then he got mad that I was listening and started yelling and this is what concerns me...He yells and screams a lot and calls me mean or whatever but tonight he said I hate you, you piss me off you freakin bitch. This is my TEN year old little boy. I didn't say anything because I was in shock and he hung up the phone. Then he came in here and looked me dead in the eyes and screamed (in a mean, scary way) how much he hated me, how mean I was and how I pissed him off and freaking this and freaking that...Again, I

didn't say anything or react and he went into my room and started throwing things, kicking things..etc. When he was in the shower I went into my room to see if he was okay and he had locked me out. I picked the lock and opened my door to a room that looked like a tornado had just gone through there.I was so mad that I did something terrible and now I feel so guilty that I don't know what to do...I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone and am scared to tell our counselor...I went into the other bathroom and flushed the toilet (twice) while he was in the shower. He came out and yelled that it was freaking cold and I caught myself giggling (not in front of him). Am I the most horrible mom or what? How could I do such a thing? I don't take the name calling and the "i hate you's" personally and I know that he cannot control himself but I did it anyway.Can anyone give me their advice? Has anyone been through

this and did you do anything as bad as what I did? How should I punish him? If I show him that he got to me, he will use it in the future. If I ignore it and don't punish him, he will think he can get away with it again. I am so confused...Thanks,Kathleen

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January 20, 2008

unfortunately, i have no advice, but i would like to say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. it is so hard to deal with your own child being so hateful and out of control. it's extremely painful and frustrating and anyone in that situation would lose their temper and patience from time to time and do and say things that they regret. every parent in even the best circumstance makes mistakes, no one is perfect. so try not to beat yourself up and try to figure out what a better way to handle it would have been so you're more prepared the next time there is an incident. and i'd also like to recommend the book "the explosive child" for anyone who has a child with serious behavior problems. good luck!!!

In a message dated 01/19/2008 11:07:38 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, katdriggers@... writes:

Hi, I'm new to the list and was going to "lurk" for awhile and try to learn things but tonight something happened that has never happened before and I'm not sure how to respond to it and was hoping for some advice or experience.I am a single mom, I have a 15 year old boy and a 10 year old boy who has PDD. There is a long story behind it but things have been very hard this winter (school, teacher abuse, me taking him out of school, etc.), and his behavior has been horrible at times, even more so than I could have ever imagined.Anyway, every night I fight with him about taking a shower. He doesn't want to bathe or brush his teeth, If I don't check and force him, he will put his dirty clothes back on after a shower. (He wants to wear the same thing over and over and hates the new clothes). So tonight, I put my foot down because he hasn't showered in a few days and I didn't have the energy to fight anymore so I let it go that long. When I told him to get in the shower he got really mad as usual but he drew back his fist to hit me. I could see something "go off" in his eyes that made him stop but I got in his face and told him if he EVER raised his hand to hit me that I would beat the you know what out of him. Then, I regained my composure somewhat (I would never hit him but I was mad and he was calling me names and yelling and telling me how mean I was, etc. Then I told him that I wouldn't hit him but I would call the crisis center or the police and that they would take him away for trying to hurt me. He said "I woudl never forgive you" and I was so mad I said, oh well. He said "I'll just go live at Grandmas" and I told him "no you wont' because she won't let you". At this point my teenager actually appeared out of his room (lol) and told Tyler that he was such a bad son. That was what made him lose it. He started crying and screaming and seemed truly angry and HURT that someone would say that. I said well are you acting like a good son right now? Then he snuck in my room and called his grandma and started telling her how mean his brother and I am and how he "needed a break from this place", but failed to mention what he did. Anyway when I heard him talking on the phone, I picked up the other extension to listen. When he was done I said tell her what else you did. then he got mad that I was listening and started yelling and this is what concerns me...He yells and screams a lot and calls me mean or whatever but tonight he said I hate you, you piss me off you freakin bitch. This is my TEN year old little boy. I didn't say anything because I was in shock and he hung up the phone. Then he came in here and looked me dead in the eyes and screamed (in a mean, scary way) how much he hated me, how mean I was and how I pissed him off and freaking this and freaking that...Again, I didn't say anything or react and he went into my room and started throwing things, kicking things..etc. When he was in the shower I went into my room to see if he was okay and he had locked me out. I picked the lock and opened my door to a room that looked like a tornado had just gone through there.I was so mad that I did something terrible and now I feel so guilty that I don't know what to do...I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone and am scared to tell our counselor...I went into the other bathroom and flushed the toilet (twice) while he was in the shower. He came out and yelled that it was freaking cold and I caught myself giggling (not in front of him). Am I the most horrible mom or what? How could I do such a thing? I don't take the name calling and the "i hate you's" personally and I know that he cannot control himself but I did it anyway.Can anyone give me their advice? Has anyone been through this and did you do anything as bad as what I did? How should I punish him? If I show him that he got to me, he will use it in the future. If I ignore it and don't punish him, he will think he can get away with it again. I am so confused...Thanks,Kathleen

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January 20, 2008

You are just tired and overwhelmed, I am sure of that. You probably don't get a break and anyone in your shoes will do occasional acts of frustration if you don't have any relief. Sounds to me like he needed a cold shower to straighten out his thinking...sounds mean, but when my son was little, he threw such a tantrum one night, after I had finally gotten his very colicky and sick little brother to sleep, having had no sleep in several days...he was freaking out over what was a very minor issue and I had HAD ENOUGH! I got a cup of water (cold not hot) and I dashed it in his face. That stopped the tantrum, not that I felt good about it, but then again, I could finally talk to him and get him into bed himself. I was alone with them for months at a time while hubby was deployed, and as I said my second child was not well at all, (ended up with a feeding tube, hearing aids, and a diagnosis of autism later at age of two) Older son has ADHD and Aspbergers, thus the pronounced tantrumming. It was awful and I sometimes wonder how I managed not to lose my composure more often with the amount of stress I faced on a daily basis. So when I think of that incident, it did no physical harm, probably no long term psychological harm, and we are close to this day (he's 9), but he still can be a handful. I sometimes have had that thought of "Okay, I have NO parenting skills left, as I have gone through the bag of tricks with no result." What do you do then? You do the best you can. Hang tough, everyone has horrible days/weeks....

ddClement

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January 21, 2008

Your situation is not uncommon. Neither is your reaction.

Spectrum children have some of the most maladaptive behaviors - and

keep them for a long time. (I usually compare it to that cute baby

bird meant to be thrown out of the tree ...) ... But with careful

work and time, there is a chance of changing/shaping their behaviors.

It is good that you have put so much thought into how you are

reacting. (1) When they grow up, their behaviors will affect others

in the same ways if their behaviors do not change. This is part of

the motivation for helping them to make these needed changes. (2)

Your reactions may help him to change his behaviors or maintain his

behaviors. It is good to take note of his reactions: if he

maintains the behavior after you give a particular chosen reaction

(which you think will stop the behavior) over a month, then you might

want to choose another approach. (The point here is, you need to

choose a reaction beforehand, because now you know that this is

actually annoying, so what to do next time - as an effort to actually

eliminate this behavior.)

These children need a great deal of organization and structure. I

find it is helpful for each day to start and end about the same way.

There are certain daily chores and self-care factors which must come

into play every day: making beds, doing schoolwork, clearing

plates/what have you, taking showers properly, brushing teeth

properly, etc. I tend to put it all on a schedule (e.g., eat

breakfast, brush teeth, make bed, do morning ablutions, etc.).

Part of the unpleasantness of our jobs as parents here is that as

they grow, if they do not have it down, we do have to perform these

check-ups and ask them to please wash the hair (or hands ..) again,

etc. They may feel that they are competent or do not need to listen

to us, but ... " If you show me that you can do this properly and

consistently, then, of course, I will not need to check you or ask

you to do this. So, if you do not want me to mention this again,

then put this into your own hands - take responsibility for this

yourself - and go ahead and do it. " (This is the sort of thing that

should be said - firmly but calmly - rather professionally ...)

We can let them know that we certainly do not want to do this check-

up stuff, and since they don't want to get checked, they can prove

that they are worthy of a level of independence and freedom (as long

as they give evidence of doing what they need to do.

January 21, 2008