to tell or not to tell

[Guest guest]

I tell everyone within earshot. Hopefully it will give them that little

feeling to go investigate and perhaps follow my lead.

Chelly

[Guest guest]

Well, our situation is a little different here. My husband and I lost our

first born from a reaction to vaccines, and whether we take our kids to the

doctor's, or emergency rooms, or where ever, we have no problem telling them

our children are NOT vaccinated, and if they question us why they aren't we

tell them what happened to our first born, and they shut right up. Both of

us are against vaccinating (at least with our other children) we do feel

that what other parents choose to do is up to those parents, but we do tell

people it would be better if they got educated before they vaccinated! I can

go anywhere and talk to total strangers about the vaccine issue. I feel it

is very important to put the awareness out there. But again, I say this

because we were unfortunate to loose our daughter, and we feel strongly

about helping to educate others. And many parents (including strangers) that

we have spoke to about the vaccine issue and possible risks always say they

have never heard about it before and it will make them look in to the issue

more thoroughly, now whether or not they all do I wouldn't have a clue. Most

people I know still vaccinate their children regardless of what happened to

my daughter (and I don't mean just mutual friends I mean life long friends

who knew me and my daughter).

Ultimately the choice has to be up to each individual. We can only hope that

it is an educated choice. And with more parents reaching out on this issue

and talking to others, helps to educate those who were not informed.

Hope this helps answer your question.

in Michigan

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/16/00 4:49:25 AM GFT Standard Time,

lmichellewms@... writes:

<< Right now we're not

really telling anyone except my immediate family. So I'm

wondering... What do you guys think?

>>

I tell some people friends/family/strangers,but usually get the

response, " Well my kids/grandkids are healthy and never had a problem with

shots.I can't believe you would not protect your child. "

I have noticed that some try to avoid their kids being in contact with

mine.That's what bothers me the most-that she is shunned.Oh well she'll make

other friends.

Other thing is I am not very good at debating this issue or passing on all

the possible negatives.Curious as to what you all say to others.For the time

being I may not share her non-vax status with new people.To be honest though

I am hesistant when she is around those of age to get the live-virus

vaccines-that would be 12-18m and 4-6yo right? I know chances are

slim,but.....

Sara

[Guest guest]

> From: " " <lmichellewms@...>

>

> Hi All! I have a question for you. My husband & I are undecided

> about how open we should be regarding our daughter's non-vaccanation

> status

I tend to side with your husband, but if I really sense a hostil situation

then I just keep my mouth shut. Those people generally aren't going to

change their minds anyhow.

My professor the other day made a crass comment in response to my report on

home schooling that a reason people choose that way of schooling is because

they do not vaccinate and it's a legal hassle. He said, " People aren't

vaccinating--unbelievable. " I said, " Yes, I am one of them. If you want

some info on it I'll be happy to educate you. " and just moved on.

[Guest guest]

My friend and I did a 'Green Fair' last year in our local town and had a

stall offering vaccination information. Most people were really nice and

very interested in this sort of new information we had. We gave out

copies of quite 'hard hitting' info on vaccines. I was concerned that there

may be argumentative narrowminded people trying to get into a fight with me

about my opinions. She told me that in the past when she has been

confronted with pro-vaccinationists...(not sure that there is such a word!!)

lol...that she says firstly, do vaccines work? (There is a lot of evidence

to the contrary) and are they safe? Well, we all know the answer to that

one!

So considering all of that, why the hell go and have your baby or family

vaccinated!

So, the moral of the story is, there are 2 very short things you can say to

friends or family when faced with a big confrontation.

Ruth Acaster

Brighton, UK

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I am not sure what my position will be about telling, but I have a feeling I

won't be offering up this info too readily as it will just cause debate and

argument and I don't want that... also am working on not needing someone

else's " approval " to do what I believe in... however what I would say to

this situation...

> From: nnu29@...

>

> I tell some people friends/family/strangers,but usually get the

> response, " Well my kids/grandkids are healthy and never had a problem with

> shots.I can't believe you would not protect your child. "

> I have noticed that some try to avoid their kids being in contact with

> mine.That's what bothers me the most-that she is shunned.Oh well she'll

make

> other friends.

is this:

" If you vaccinate your kids... and you believe it works... what on earth are

you afraid of YOUR kids getting from my unvaccinated kids... because of the

vaccines work and my kid gets one of those illnesses, YOURS should be

protected by the vaccine.... right? "

This always makes for interesting viewing as they skirm to figure out why

they doubt that their vaccines work.....

Just a thought:)

Sherri-Lee

[Guest guest]

Hi Sao. Regarding school, you might get varied opinions on this.

Mine is - if her OCD is not affecting her there and she's having no

problems with schoolwork or anything related to OCD, there's probably

no reason to say anything.

With my 13 y/o son, who became really OCD at 11, his

schoolwork/grades have been greatly affected by OCD. So I DO want

them to know. The teachers, however, notice NOTHING wrong with

except that he doesn't accomplish much at school, has

terrible writing, doesn't like to read, participates well orally,

does well in most classes grade-wise (at least this year so far) -

and I could go on, both positive and negative. However, what they

don't realize is that a lot of the negative IS his OCD. ,

however, does have motor skill problems, he's a slow writer ( & since

OCD his writing became illegible) and they address this in his 504

plan and also make some " off the 504 plan " accommodations. The 504

actually doesn't address the " OCD " but just his coordination problems.

Anyway, if you feel there's no reason for the school to know as she

is having no related problems there or at home regarding schoolwork,

IMO you don't need to tell them.

Here's a couple links to read for info:

http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/504_IDEA_Rosenfeld.html

http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content3/ada.idea.html

> Hi,

>

> First I want to thank you for welcoming me to the group and

> helping to understand our newly diagnosed 9 yr. old daughter

> andra.

>

> As I mentioned, she is in 3rd grade and a very good student. I'm

> sure that the fact that through role play her cativities and

behavior

> show her to be at a 6 yr. old developmentally. Her experience of

> stress at school must be overwhelming to her to be able to

> stretch to that level. We know that she has a very difficult time

> making friends and has closer relationships w/ boys in her

> class; I assume because boys tend to mature a little later there

> isn't as much of a gap as there is w/ the girls.

>

> So the big question is the fact that her teachers have never

> noticed anything out of the ordinary at school. She is determined

> to keep her " stuff " a secret. As parents we wonder if there would

> be any point to letting the school know since they didn't pick up

> on anything before. Now that she is on Paxil and starting

> behavior modification, I cannot see the point of adding a label to

> her at school.

>

> Any ideas and tell me about IEP - what is it?

> Thanks

> São B

[Guest guest]

I don't think people are meaning that they will NEVER tell anyone

about their surgery, but that they are choosing to wait until they

have some good weight loss and are more secure in their knowledge of

banding and ability to do well.

I personally chose not to tell anyone for about 3 months, because i

knew that many people would be asking me daily how i was doing, and -

at the beginning - there is not a lot of weight loss. I purposely did

NOT want to discourage people from pursuing the band when they saw

that the immediate weight loss was not fast. Now, of coiurse, I'm as

strong a band advocate and " educator " as there is!

Of the great many banded people I know, I'd guess that of those

who " told everyone " at the beginning, 90% regret it and wish they had

waited. Each to their own, though. you just cannot UNtell once you

have told. Sandy R

>

>

> I'd like to throw my two cents in on this discussion. I am telling

people I

> know about my surgery for one reason and one reason only.

Education. I just

> think that whatever hides in a closet needs to be set free to let

people see

> that regular old people like me can overcome a real difficult

problem by being

> willing to look at and embrace non-traditional approaches. I am

also bi-polar

> II (a milder version of 'manic-depression') and I have devulged

this fact to

> many people to try to do my 'duty to mankind' and reduce the mental

health

> stigma. I spent many, many years in pain but once medicated

properly it turns

> out I'm just a regular old gal.

>

> Bonnie T.

> Surgery - July 26/04

> 321/280/??

[Guest guest]

I'd like to respond just to give the opposite viewpoint. Only in the

spirit of friendly debate, mind you. I believe the decision to tell

or not to tell is an extremely personal one. I would like to see

each person make that decision for him/her self, and not feel

pressured otherwise. It is true that once you tell, you can't un-

tell, so caution in the very beginning stages is probably a good

idea, either way.

I chose not to tell. There are a variety of reasons for this, but I

would say the biggest one was my kids. We live in a small suburban

family-oriented neighborhood. It's great. Schools are great.

Teachers are great. The big downside is that everybody knows everyone

else's business. When there is a divorce, rumors spread like

wildfire. What was the reason, who's the 'other woman/man'. If

someone is sick, rumors spread. And this is not limited to the

adults. Apparently the adults discuss this stuff regularly in front

of the kids, so many kids get involved in this stuff as well. And it

tends to linger and linger. It's a little like living in a fish

bowl. I did not want my kids to have to answer questions from nosy

parents or kids about me. Simple as that. My health is a private

matter.

Now, I am a stay at home mom. My 'world' consists of my neighborhood

and my family. My inlaws have always judged me as 'weak' for having

issues with weight -- I didn't care to tell them, so I didn't. I did

tell my own mom and sisters, but not brother, for similar reasons. I

sometimes regret even that, for even though I told them I was keeping

it private, it turns out that even they couldn't help discussing it

with 'their' circles..... anything 'new and different' is apparently

impossible not to discuss :-). I did tell my children and explained

to them that my health is private information and didn't need to be

discussed outside our home. This was a good lesson for them in the

value of discretion. Truth is, they promptly forgot about my

surgery -- I don't even know if they remember even now, just like

when I had another surgery several years ago. My role here is to be

their mom, and I don't want some of my personal issues to 'weigh' on

them (no pun intended).

On the other hand, if I was working again and part of another

community that didn't center around my kids, I would most likely have

told that group, but then again, it's hard to say. I am not ashamed

of my surgery. I am not ashamed of having issues with weight. I am

very proud of myself for taking steps to take care of myself. And

being private about it, is actually one of those steps.

Another big factor in my decision not to tell is simply my own

personality. I take my responsibilities very seriously, and at times

can even assume responsibility for others, when it isn't mine. After

much thought, I came to the conclusion that I *personally* don't

really want someone else to have this surgery just because I did. It

is major surgery. It is major work. Sometimes things go wrong. If

someone 'followed me' so to speak, and then had major complications,

or even minor complications, but it cost them a *lot* of money to

fix, I know that I would feel bad. I can't handle that right now.

Part of the reason I got in this bad of shape in the first place is

that I have consistently put others' needs ahead of my own, and right

now, as part of my 'recovery', I am working very hard to put my own

needs first, or at least make them equal, to others'. For me, not

telling was the right decision. But again, to each his own. This is

a very personal and potentially complex question, depending on the

circumstances.

Betty

>

>

> I'd like to throw my two cents in on this discussion. I am telling

people I

> know about my surgery for one reason and one reason only.

Education. I just

> think that whatever hides in a closet needs to be set free to let

people see

> that regular old people like me can overcome a real difficult

problem by being

> willing to look at and embrace non-traditional approaches.

[Guest guest]

Great post! You sound like you are doing great. Congratulations

Wishing you all the best,

Betty

>

>

>This is of course a struggle for me

> but I want this journey to be more than just about food....I want

to learn to

> stand tall regardless of what others think.

[Guest guest]

I was banded 7.28.03 and am down 67 lbs as of today. I have told

no one except my sister who went along with me and my husband. I have

no intention of telling anyone else. Ever. When people ask they

know I have been on weight watchers several times and they assume I

have finally found success.

I don't feel as if I a m being dishonest or selfish. I am dealing

with this on my own personal level and don't need anyone else's

baggage about how they feel.

Previously when dieting I have had people try to sabotage my efforts

etc. I am single minded this time. Blinders on and heading straight

forward toward 100% success, nothing less. I am responsible for this

myself.

Just my two cents.

eileen

230/163/goal 140? will know when I get there by Christmas.

[Guest guest]

This topic comes up every so often on the boards and the responses

that talk about all the horrible things that can happen to you if

you tell people never cease to amaze me. It's really made me realize

how blessed I am to be surrounded by mostly positive, supportive

people. So, I usually tolerate the negative responses for so long and

then I have to put my two cents in, just to balance out all the

negativity.

Below I've pasted a message I posted on this topic before I was

banded and I still agree with every word. I told a lot of people

about my surgery, mostly family and close friends but also work

acquaintences, and I haven't regretted it for ONE SECOND. I haven't

had ANYBODY " watch me like a hawk " or make any comments at all

(negative) about what I eat. Yes, occasionally people have asked " how

it's coming along " , meaning how much have I lost, but it's not a

bother to tell them that I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week. I swear, I

must live in a bubble that houses all the nice, positive people in

the world because I've yet to experience any negative feedback or

result from having people know about this surgery. Here is my old

post:

Let me preface my response by saying I have an open personality in

general so this issue may be different for me than for you.

I am facing surgery sometime this March. I have already told my

family, of course, as they have been a big part of the

decision-making process and support needed up to this point. And, I

have decided to tell a handful (ok, maybe two handfuls) of close

friends that are familiar with my struggles with weight and I knew

would be supportive and pray for me.

As for the rest of the world, I am still deciding but I think in

general I will tell people. For one reason, I think it is very

important to use this experience as an opportunity to educate others

about lapband specifically and obesity in general. Yes, I've gotten

the ever dreaded, " well, why don't you just eat better and exercise

more " response and I've decided not to let that upset me since the

person is likely just not educated re: obesity and is not puposely

trying to be insensitive. It opens up a door for me to explain the

research and statistics about dieting and the morbidly obese and to

maybe even help that person see that they harbor some stigmatized

assumptoms/prejudices. I don't need the person I'm telling to

understand or agree with my decision to have WLS, so telling them is

a win/win situation in my eyes. If they're supportive and

understanding, I win; If they're ignorant and insensitive, I get to

educate/enlighten and I win again.

-38!!

3/9/04

Dr. Bonanni

4 fills, total=3.5cc's

[Guest guest]

Yes, this topic does come up regularly, as people continue to ask

about it. There are always pros and cons to every question, Your

thoughts are valid - just as are the many opposite ones. This

varierty of experiences is one of the great advantages of Boards like

this - so people can choose their own path, taking into consideration

what others before them have experienced. Sandy R

> This topic comes up every so often on the boards and the responses

> that talk about all the horrible things that can happen to you if

> you tell people never cease to amaze me. It's really made me realize

> how blessed I am to be surrounded by mostly positive, supportive

> people. So, I usually tolerate the negative responses for so long

and

> then I have to put my two cents in, just to balance out all the

> negativity.

>

> Below I've pasted a message I posted on this topic before I was

> banded and I still agree with every word. I told a lot of people

> about my surgery, mostly family and close friends but also work

> acquaintences, and I haven't regretted it for ONE SECOND. I haven't

> had ANYBODY " watch me like a hawk " or make any comments at all

> (negative) about what I eat. Yes, occasionally people have

asked " how

> it's coming along " , meaning how much have I lost, but it's not a

> bother to tell them that I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week. I swear, I

> must live in a bubble that houses all the nice, positive people in

> the world because I've yet to experience any negative feedback or

> result from having people know about this surgery. Here is my old

> post:

>

> Let me preface my response by saying I have an open personality in

> general so this issue may be different for me than for you.

>

> I am facing surgery sometime this March. I have already told my

> family, of course, as they have been a big part of the

> decision-making process and support needed up to this point. And, I

> have decided to tell a handful (ok, maybe two handfuls) of close

> friends that are familiar with my struggles with weight and I knew

> would be supportive and pray for me.

>

> As for the rest of the world, I am still deciding but I think in

> general I will tell people. For one reason, I think it is very

> important to use this experience as an opportunity to educate others

> about lapband specifically and obesity in general. Yes, I've gotten

> the ever dreaded, " well, why don't you just eat better and exercise

> more " response and I've decided not to let that upset me since the

> person is likely just not educated re: obesity and is not puposely

> trying to be insensitive. It opens up a door for me to explain the

> research and statistics about dieting and the morbidly obese and to

> maybe even help that person see that they harbor some stigmatized

> assumptoms/prejudices. I don't need the person I'm telling to

> understand or agree with my decision to have WLS, so telling them is

> a win/win situation in my eyes. If they're supportive and

> understanding, I win; If they're ignorant and insensitive, I get to

> educate/enlighten and I win again.

>

>

> -38!!

> 3/9/04

> Dr. Bonanni

> 4 fills, total=3.5cc's

[Guest guest]

, I'm glad your friends were so supportive. My experience was

comepletely different, which is why I belive it is UNWISE to tell

everyone at the beginning. I asked about this last week at our

support group, and there were 24 people there. all but 3 said they

would NEVER tell eveyone again. People there said that they were

asked every day how they were doing. When they said " no change " they

were told they should have gotten the bypass " like my friend who has

lost 130 # " . One was asked what she ate every day, then was told " you

can't possibly survive on that little. " Others felt that they had to

defend themselves at every turn. One broke down in tears several

times a day with the constant questioning.

simply put, many bandsters are not emotionally strong enough or

knowledgeable enough in the first month or two - when there may be

little weight loss - to have to explain and defend themselves all the

time. It is demoralizing and makes them question their decision for

the bypass. It is hard enough to survive the first weeks without well-

meaning friends asking questions you cannot always answer.

All these people in my group are now doing great, welcome any

questions, and are confident of their choice. But not at the very

beginning!! You might be a bit stonger than the rest of us since

you're a psychologist, but not everyone is as fortumnate as you may

be. Please remember that.

My advice is still and will always be to wait until you are losing

well, are more knowledgeable and confident in your decision and KNOW

you have made the right decision. you can ALWAYS tell people - but

you can NEVER UNTELL them, as Sandy says.

> This topic comes up every so often on the boards and the responses

> that talk about all the horrible things that can happen to you if

> you tell people never cease to amaze me. It's really made me realize

> how blessed I am to be surrounded by mostly positive, supportive

> people. So, I usually tolerate the negative responses for so long

and

> then I have to put my two cents in, just to balance out all the

> negativity.

>

> Below I've pasted a message I posted on this topic before I was

> banded and I still agree with every word. I told a lot of people

> about my surgery, mostly family and close friends but also work

> acquaintences, and I haven't regretted it for ONE SECOND. I haven't

> had ANYBODY " watch me like a hawk " or make any comments at all

> (negative) about what I eat. Yes, occasionally people have

asked " how

> it's coming along " , meaning how much have I lost, but it's not a

> bother to tell them that I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week. I swear, I

> must live in a bubble that houses all the nice, positive people in

> the world because I've yet to experience any negative feedback or

> result from having people know about this surgery. Here is my old

> post:

>

> Let me preface my response by saying I have an open personality in

> general so this issue may be different for me than for you.

>

> I am facing surgery sometime this March. I have already told my

> family, of course, as they have been a big part of the

> decision-making process and support needed up to this point. And, I

> have decided to tell a handful (ok, maybe two handfuls) of close

> friends that are familiar with my struggles with weight and I knew

> would be supportive and pray for me.

>

> As for the rest of the world, I am still deciding but I think in

> general I will tell people. For one reason, I think it is very

> important to use this experience as an opportunity to educate others

> about lapband specifically and obesity in general. Yes, I've gotten

> the ever dreaded, " well, why don't you just eat better and exercise

> more " response and I've decided not to let that upset me since the

> person is likely just not educated re: obesity and is not puposely

> trying to be insensitive. It opens up a door for me to explain the

> research and statistics about dieting and the morbidly obese and to

> maybe even help that person see that they harbor some stigmatized

> assumptoms/prejudices. I don't need the person I'm telling to

> understand or agree with my decision to have WLS, so telling them is

> a win/win situation in my eyes. If they're supportive and

> understanding, I win; If they're ignorant and insensitive, I get to

> educate/enlighten and I win again.

>

>

> -38!!

> 3/9/04

> Dr. Bonanni

> 4 fills, total=3.5cc's

[Guest guest]

I told my husband, my niece (the person I am closest to in my family of

origin) a couple of good friends in town and a couple of good friends who

live out of state. I told my lawyer too, of all people, since I was in the

middle of a legal proceeding when I had surgery. I figured he would somehow

be bound to keep it a secret since he's my lawyer I'm not sure he did

and he bugs me about how I'm doing whenever I see him. I've also told

complete strangers and the people who work at Curves--no risk with them.

My problem with the idea that you can tell people after you've had success

is that they would then know I lied earlier. I know some think saying you

" eat less and exercise more " isn't technically a lie, but I think it will

sure look like it if you later say you had WLS. Besides, I've had people

actually ask me if I had WLS and I said " no. "

The thing I hate the most is perpetuating the myth that diets

work--especially to the large people who ask me.

(South Dakota)

1-5-04

276/197/175ish-size 12

Dr. Mike Wolpert (Sioux City)

No Fills

[Guest guest]

, we must have the same type of friends. I told everyone and

I would again in a heart beat. I had a wonderful support group.

I've raised my daughter by telling her that what you give in life is

what you get. If she's kind to others, they in turn will be kind to

her. I hope she can reach out to the world optimisically as well

and not be afraid of all the naysayers.

I can't imagine not telling them. How do you go out to eat with the

same friends and only order a tiny bit and not tell? Everytime that

I lost a bit of weight, they'd notice and applaud for me. It was so

encouragaging. They were my biggest support group.

I had one person who thought I was crazy when I bought some size 8

clothes when I was still a size 16 but now even he says he's can't

believe the difference. My daughter's preschool teacher said to me

on my daughters last day that I was a different woman then the one

who first walked into her office. I've lost over 60 lbs in about 8

months.

I guess the other reason that I like to tell people is because of

the band. I simply couldn't (or wouldn't) diet. I had no portion

control and I didn't want to limit myself voluntarily. The band is

wonderful- it provided portion control. I'm not a junk eater- and

never really have been. I just liked large portions of food. I

want others to know that there's a light at the end of a tunnel.

The band is a gift that I wish others knew about.

> > This topic comes up every so often on the boards and the

responses

> > that talk about all the horrible things that can happen to you if

> > you tell people never cease to amaze me. It's really made me

realize

> > how blessed I am to be surrounded by mostly positive, supportive

> > people. So, I usually tolerate the negative responses for so

long

> and

> > then I have to put my two cents in, just to balance out all the

> > negativity.

> >

> > Below I've pasted a message I posted on this topic before I was

> > banded and I still agree with every word. I told a lot of people

> > about my surgery, mostly family and close friends but also work

> > acquaintences, and I haven't regretted it for ONE SECOND. I

haven't

> > had ANYBODY " watch me like a hawk " or make any comments at all

> > (negative) about what I eat. Yes, occasionally people have

> asked " how

> > it's coming along " , meaning how much have I lost, but it's not a

> > bother to tell them that I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week. I swear, I

> > must live in a bubble that houses all the nice, positive people

in

> > the world because I've yet to experience any negative feedback or

> > result from having people know about this surgery. Here is my old

> > post:

> >

> > Let me preface my response by saying I have an open personality

in

> > general so this issue may be different for me than for you.

> >

> > I am facing surgery sometime this March. I have already told my

> > family, of course, as they have been a big part of the

> > decision-making process and support needed up to this point.

And, I

> > have decided to tell a handful (ok, maybe two handfuls) of close

> > friends that are familiar with my struggles with weight and I

knew

> > would be supportive and pray for me.

> >

> > As for the rest of the world, I am still deciding but I think in

> > general I will tell people. For one reason, I think it is very

> > important to use this experience as an opportunity to educate

others

> > about lapband specifically and obesity in general. Yes, I've

gotten

> > the ever dreaded, " well, why don't you just eat better and

exercise

> > more " response and I've decided not to let that upset me since

the

> > person is likely just not educated re: obesity and is not

puposely

> > trying to be insensitive. It opens up a door for me to explain

the

> > research and statistics about dieting and the morbidly obese and

to

> > maybe even help that person see that they harbor some stigmatized

> > assumptoms/prejudices. I don't need the person I'm telling to

> > understand or agree with my decision to have WLS, so telling

them is

> > a win/win situation in my eyes. If they're supportive and

> > understanding, I win; If they're ignorant and insensitive, I get

to

> > educate/enlighten and I win again.

> >

> >

> > -38!!

> > 3/9/04

> > Dr. Bonanni

> > 4 fills, total=3.5cc's

[Guest guest]

Hi ...

I can really relate to your comments. I have had many of the same

thoughts and feelings. I think at first, my 'not telling' was to

keep this from being a big 'buzz' topic in my neighborhood, but also

just me following my instincts about what would be good for me.

Since then I have spent a lot of time pondering this question,

because yes -- when it first became visible, I started getting a lot

of questions about my weight loss that I found difficult to answer. I

have decided that I probably will not 'go back' and tell that many

people afterwards, although my mind is open about that and I reserve

the right to change my mind at any point.

The truth is, people will pry into your 'dieting' life and weight

loss in a way they rarely do for other things. It's such a 'hot

topic' that I guess people feel like they have a right to know. I

had one woman who wouldn't stop 'pestering' me about 'what was my

secret'. I felt guilty for awhile by saying things like, 'I'm

focusing on small portions'. That didn't satisfy her. I finally got

so tired of her persistence that at one point I said, 'you wanna know

my secret? I'm trying to take care of myself after YEARS of neglect.'

Well, she's not interested in that. Until people are *at that point*

where they are ready to 'take care of themselves' in whatever way is

necessary, they don't really want to hear that you are taking care of

yourself. Especially in my case -- a stay at home mom. There is an

unwritten rule around here that every minute you aren't cooking,

cleaning, or running the kids around, that you are supposed to be at

the school donating umpteen hours to improve education for all

children. God forbid you should actually sit down and write in a

journal, or take a whole hour every week to meet with a counselor. I

have done my fair share of volunteering in this community, and I

continue to do so, but in smaller ways. And I feel like I have a

right to focus on me right now, in whatever form that takes.

I *did* tell one person that is obese and has diabetes and could

benefit from this surgery, and I regret it. She is not the least bit

interested in having any type of surgery, is not concerned about her

diabetes, and doesn't consider herself obese. I did not 'recommend'

it to her, but her reaction was interesting -- " oh, I would *never*

do something like that, I'm glad I'm not 'at that point'.... " Um,

sad to say, yes she is. I realized then that when people *are ready*

for WLS, they will seek it out. I did. I didn't know anyone who had

the lapband. No one told me how to change my life. I went seeking

on my own, and I found more information than I could possible ever

need or want. Then I found my doctor on my own, and I did it on my

own. And here I sit, 14 months later -- down 76 lbs, and extremely

happy with my life.

Everyone I know has the internet and all you have to do is run google

on WLS, and you are bound to come up with the band sooner or later.

But if you are not willing to explore that, it doesn't really matter

how many people tell you about it. If your mind is not open, it's

not open.

I guess I have decided it's sort of like counseling. I went to

counseling a long time ago, and found it very effective. My life has

always seemed to be a magnet for people with emotional problems. I

have always tried to help them as best I could, be a friend and

everything, but there inevitably reaches a point where I can no

longer provide anything -- I am just repeating myself again and

again. So then I suggest that they might want to try counseling.

Well, I have yet to see a person actually follow that suggestion.

They don't want to do that. That is out of their comfort zone. They

just want to complain about their problems, repeat them again and

again and not do anything about it. People have to really *want*

help and be willing to work at it to *really* get emotional healing.

Some people just don't want to have to work that hard.

Sorry, I guess I am on a soapbox. What I really want to say is that

each person is responsible for his or her *own* healing in this

life. You know that saying, 'when the student is ready, the teacher

appears?' Well, I guess I believe that all of life works like that.

When someone is ready to really change, the opportunity to do so will

present itself. It is not up to me to spread the good news of the

band like an evangelist. I believe anyone who's really ready for it

will find it.

So I am working on not feeling guilty about keeping my little

secret. And for the most part I don't, and I am very happy I haven't

told, and there are about 3 or 4 people I wish I could 'untell'.

Betty

> > My problem with the idea that you can tell people after you've

had success

> is that they would then know I lied earlier. I know some think

saying you

> " eat less and exercise more " isn't technically a lie, but I think

it will

> sure look like it if you later say you had WLS. Besides, I've had

people

> actually ask me if I had WLS and I said " no. "

>

> The thing I hate the most is perpetuating the myth that diets

> work--especially to the large people who ask me.

>

> (South Dakota)

> 1-5-04

> 276/197/175ish-size 12

> Dr. Mike Wolpert (Sioux City)

> No Fills

[Guest guest]

Friday, September 3, 2004, 10:05:18 AM, you wrote:

MN> We live in a small community and it doesn't matter what's going on,

MN> everyone seems to know about it. All I can hope is that the people I care

MN> about will support me and the people that are negative are the people I

don't

MN> care about.

And anyone who is negative is not someone who really cares about you.

dan

Dan Lester, Boise, ID honu@... www.mylapband.tk

Dr. Ortiz, Tijuana, 4/28/03

323/209/199 Age 61

[Guest guest]

Hiya guys,

Sorry to revisit this topic when it's been discussed and discussed

over the past few days, but I just cant help it. I'm kind of torn

in feeling if I should have told or not. Well, it's a moot point now,

but in hindsight, I would have limited my telling to my close

friends. I told a few aquaintences, and the next thing I knew,

everyone at work (all.. mm.. 100ish people) were asking me how I was

doing. When I got back, the captain even made a special trip in on my

swing-shift hours to ask me how I was doing! (Until that point in

time, I would have said he didnt even know my name, although he would

have recognized my face as " someone who works here " .) That was nice,

for a little while. And people here are extremely nosy.. there was no

way in heck I could have been gone for 3 weeks and not had people

demanding to know where I was and what I was doing (esp since we can

see everyone's schedule, and all my days were marked " sick " ).

Besides, any rumors they made up would have been 100 times worse than

what I actually did! (I can honestly see them having me off in

Europe, having a coworker's lovechild. I'm so not kidding.)

The more I think about it, the more I think I wouldnt have been able

to keep it a secret even if I hadnt told one of the gossips, who

barely let me get out the door before she was broadcasting the info

with a bullhorn. I like to talk to much, and I'm very proud of what I

did. I got off my butt and worked on it. And am still working on it!

And if my success convinces one other person here to do something

that might save their life.. well, that's great. The added

expectations sometimes suck, cause I think a lot about how the people

here will react if I dont hit my goal, rather than how *I* will

react.. but for the most part, I think it keeps me honest. Before I

had this surgery, I would try to lose weight and give up after a

short defeat, and I had a very " F'it " attitude. Now I CANT say that

and give up. Which is great! Cause I dont want to. But still, I'd

rather have alternate checks and balances in place, than trusting my

own self control. My own self control got me up to 302 lbs & 50.2%

body fat. It has a lot of 'splainin to do.

-Vonja

[Guest guest]

Bettym

Very well said. Many Bandsters are not well equipped in the beginning of this

journey to effectively deal with defending the decision to a whole slew of

people, well-meaning or otherwise. For me, this is a solitary journey of self-

discovery. Call me selfish, but I am using this wonderful tool to redirect many

aspects of my life, not just the food part. It is very personal. Where some of

you have a wide circle of support, mine is limited to two or three folks and of

course everyone on these boards who inspire me and teach me everytime I

read the messages. Cheers, everyone!

> > > My problem with the idea that you can tell people after you've

> had success

> > is that they would then know I lied earlier. I know some think

> saying you

> > " eat less and exercise more " isn't technically a lie, but I think

> it will

> > sure look like it if you later say you had WLS. Besides, I've had

> people

> > actually ask me if I had WLS and I said " no. "

> >

> > The thing I hate the most is perpetuating the myth that diets

> > work--especially to the large people who ask me.

> >

> > (South Dakota)

> > 1-5-04

> > 276/197/175ish-size 12

> > Dr. Mike Wolpert (Sioux City)

> > No Fills

[Guest guest]

Perhaps, it might be better to tell this person that

you do not appreciate the nickname. Especially after

confiding in him. Explain how he has hurt you and to

please not do it again. I would to it in a non-angry

way, but I would take back the power he took from me

by confronting him with his transgression. Maybe he

just doesn't understand how much such a thing hurts.

Jenn

--- Debbie <WaffleGoddess@...>

wrote:

> To tell or not to tell about having bariatric

> surgery...hmmm. Jessie

> maintains that, once told, the secret is out and

> can't be retracted.

> May I add that one must be prudent in sorting out

> the " I'll tells "

> from the " none of your business " people?

[Guest guest]

I figured this post would push some buttons! I have chosen NOT to tell most

people because I don't want their sympathy, looks of sadness, or being left out

of things because people think I'm sick. I look at it on a " need to know "

basis. If I think someone needs to know, I would tell. In most cases, people

do not need to know. I have a friend who was diagnosed with CLL. He was in

shock and immediately told people. He was so sorry because he saw that he was

treated differently from then on. He changed to a " need to know " basis, and now

doesn't tell people who already haven't been informed. I have discussed this

with him because, yes, he does know about my diagnosis. I may come from another

background because nine years before my cml diagnosis, I had surgery and chemo

(REAL chemo) for ovarian cancer. I was VERY sick, treated like an invalid at

the age of 44, lost all my hair, and had a very difficult time both emotionally

and physically. This was something that had to be very out in the open. When I

got the diagnosis of cml and found out what the treatment would be, I decided

NOT to go back to that horrible place I had been in years before. CML had a

treatment that could be discreet if I wanted it to be, and that was what I

wanted. I am very happy with my decision, but would tell in a minute if I

thought it could help someone or they needed the information. To each his

own...like someone recently posted here...you never know someone's whole story.

Moral is: don't put others down for not telling, or telling...whatever suits

the person is best for them!

in NY

[Guest guest]

Thank you in NY

Sharon in Calif.

_____

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of

spaniel1226

Sent: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:49 AM

Subject: [ ] to tell or not to tell

I figured this post would push some buttons! I have chosen NOT to tell most

people because I don't want their sympathy, looks of sadness, or being left

out of things because people think I'm sick. I look at it on a " need to

know " basis. If I think someone needs to know, I would tell. In most cases,

people do not need to know. I have a friend who was diagnosed with CLL. He

was in shock and immediately told people. He was so sorry because he saw

that he was treated differently from then on. He changed to a " need to know "

basis, and now doesn't tell people who already haven't been informed. I have

discussed this with him because, yes, he does know about my diagnosis. I may

come from another background because nine years before my cml diagnosis, I

had surgery and chemo (REAL chemo) for ovarian cancer. I was VERY sick,

treated like an invalid at the age of 44, lost all my hair, and had a very

difficult time both emotionally and physically. This was something that had

to be very out in the open. When I got the diagnosis of cml and found out

what the treatment would be, I decided NOT to go back to that horrible place

I had been in years before. CML had a treatment that could be discreet if I

wanted it to be, and that was what I wanted. I am very happy with my

decision, but would tell in a minute if I thought it could help someone or

they needed the information. To each his own...like someone recently posted

here...you never know someone's whole story. Moral is: don't put others down

for not telling, or telling...whatever suits the person is best for them!

in NY

[Guest guest]

To each his own...like someone recently posted

> here...you never know someone's whole story. Moral is: don't put others down

> for not telling, or telling...whatever suits the person is best for them!

----------------------

Hi,

I've read all the posts and don't think people have put others down...they have

just told their stories and how they feel. Remember you cannot read intonation

in an e-mail.

My CML is not a secret. I retired early (age 57) because of it....my fatigue on

800mg of Gleevec meant that my useful hours were spent working 1/2 time, then I

was pretty shot or dealing with other side effects. Also, I needed to be

available for the next new drug trial opening. Now my energy goes to things that

I enjoy more or gives me more flexibility.

I am not nearly as productive as I was before CML...I used to work full time

plus renovate rentals and yards, etc....and enjoyed it. Now I hire university

guys to help with my projects...and I tell them right away, so I don't just look

lazy. Usually I say.... " I have leukemia but it's not a big deal, I've had it for

10 years " , so they know I won't drop dead on the spot someday. Then I'll mention

that I have a fatigue issue.....and I've hired them to do all the heavy stuff.

It's out in the open...this works for me.

CML explains how I live to a certain degree. I have had friends tell me that

they admire me and how I deal with things. CML has given me some limitations.

If you are on low dose with few side effects and have not had to chase

trials.....then your CML might be less obvious. For me it is not a big

distraction for people to know.....and I think that because I am fine with it,

they are fine with it. I would expect a friend with diabetes to say she has

diabetes, then I would understand her food needs, etc. Same goes for any other

medical issue that alters your lifestyle.

Works for me.

C.

[Guest guest]

Thank you whoever you are. Some on this site are very judgemental!

To each his own is right. Some of us were very misunderstood and some made

it sound like some of us were keeping CML a huge secret. Not !!!!!

_____

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of

hey00nanc

Sent: Wednesday, December 23, 2009 9:48 AM

Subject: [ ] Re: to tell or not to tell

To each his own...like someone recently posted

> here...you never know someone's whole story. Moral is: don't put others

down

> for not telling, or telling...whatever suits the person is best for them!

----------------------

Hi,

I've read all the posts and don't think people have put others down...they

have just told their stories and how they feel. Remember you cannot read

intonation in an e-mail.

My CML is not a secret. I retired early (age 57) because of it....my fatigue

on 800mg of Gleevec meant that my useful hours were spent working 1/2 time,

then I was pretty shot or dealing with other side effects. Also, I needed to

be available for the next new drug trial opening. Now my energy goes to

things that I enjoy more or gives me more flexibility.

I am not nearly as productive as I was before CML...I used to work full time

plus renovate rentals and yards, etc....and enjoyed it. Now I hire

university guys to help with my projects...and I tell them right away, so I

don't just look lazy. Usually I say.... " I have leukemia but it's not a big

deal, I've had it for 10 years " , so they know I won't drop dead on the spot

someday. Then I'll mention that I have a fatigue issue.....and I've hired

them to do all the heavy stuff. It's out in the open...this works for me.

CML explains how I live to a certain degree. I have had friends tell me that

they admire me and how I deal with things. CML has given me some

limitations. If you are on low dose with few side effects and have not had

to chase trials.....then your CML might be less obvious. For me it is not a

big distraction for people to know.....and I think that because I am fine

with it, they are fine with it. I would expect a friend with diabetes to say

she has diabetes, then I would understand her food needs, etc. Same goes for

any other medical issue that alters your lifestyle.

Works for me.

C.