Thank You to Everyone

[Guest guest]

My prayers are with you. I have been in a similar spot and buried 2

children...it hurts for a long time but you have the right idea..he is in

heaven without pain..

God be with you

[Guest guest]

,

I am new to the list but I would like to extend my deepest symathy. I

can't imagine what you are going through. Seeing a child suffer is the worst

thing in the world, especially if the child is your own. I am sure he is

Heaven now, pain free and in the loving arms of your relatives and the

angels. I have a few dogs up there he could play with, too! God Bless You for

all the things you did to help him through his suffering. Do not feel guilty

about anything, you did what you could humanly do. He is in a better place

now. I'm sending you many hugs!!!!!! You will be in my prayers! Take care!

xoxoxo

^,,^

>:<

**** Alison

[Guest guest]

Oh

I am sitting here in tears after having read this. I am so, so sorry

about your beloved Matty. I have never written to you directly,

, so many times I have tried, but I always ended up at a loss

for words. As a mother, I always felt your messages so keenly. I

cannot find the right words to express my sadness for you, so I

wanted to offer you this poem, with love:

When Tomorrow Starts without Me...

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for

me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,

while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you.

And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good times and the bad.

I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for awhile,

I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe make you smile.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne.

He said, " This is eternity and all I've promised you.

Today your life on earth is past but here it starts anew. "

I am so sorry ,

Love

:-)

> Hi all.

> I just wanted to say thank you to all who took the time to send e-

mails

> my way. I really appreciate that.

> I don't really know what to say right now...

> My house is so very quiet and my heart is so lonely for my little

man.

> My arms positively ache to hold him...just one more time. But

that's not

> to be...

> Today was Matty's calling, and tomorrow is the funeral. Today was so

> very very hard...and tomorrow will be worse. Tomorrow, they are

putting

> my baby, my sweet sweet baby in a box and putting him in the

ground, and

> I just don't know how I am ever going to do it. I swear, the hardest

> thing I have ever done in my entire life was to walk out of that

> hospital room and leave my son alone. I know that he was already

gone,

> but it still just didn't seem right.

> Matty went into the hospital on Wednesday (May 31). Actually, that

was

> just supposed to be a clinic visit, but he spiked a fever, and so

was

> admitted. By Monday (June 5), which by the way was my oldest

daughter's

> 8th birthday, he was much better and was scheduled to come home, but

> then before we left the hospital, his central line got a hole in

it, and

> so we got it repaired and were just going to stay overnight (once

> repaired, the line can't be used for 12 to 24 hours), and then go

home

> on Tuesday. But Monday night, the repair busted again, and the

surgeon

> said there was no way to repair it again. So a choice had to be

made. We

> knew that Matty could not live without that line. But we also knew

that

> surgery to place a new one would push him to the brink, and we would

> have to work very hard and fast to bring him back, if we ever could.

> Well, what kind of choice was that???? Let him go to surgery and

maybe

> die, or not go and certainly die??

> After thinking about it a lot, we chose to try the surgery, and at

least

> have a small chance of saving him.

> He went into surgery on Wednesday, and he was already sick. See,

Matty

> was so totally dependent on that line, and without it, we couldn't

give

> him all of the meds and fluids that he needed to stay stable. His

acid

> level when he went in was already about 3 times normal. When he

came out

> of surgery, it was almost 6 times normal. We pretty much knew then

that

> we had lost him, but we did try. He was getting a little better, we

got

> his acid level down to about 4.5 times normal, but then Wednesday

night,

> he developed a pneumonia from the anesthesia, and that was just more

> than he could take. He went to sleep Wednesday night, and at some

point

> fell into a coma. We tried all day Thursday to pull him back out of

it,

> but just couldn't. He just didn't have any more strength to fight

it. I

> signed DNR (do not resuscitate) orders that night. That was so

hard, but

> I didn't want Matty to be put on a ventilator or have his heart

shocked

> just to bring him back so he could lay there in a coma. Thursday

> afternoon, he started having seizures from his acid level being so

very

> high. I sat up with him all night Thursday, and Matty died

peacefully at

> 8:32 am Friday. When he got too tired, he just stopped breathing.

> I never realized how much pain he was in until I saw it all release

from

> his body...I saw his face relax and wash clean....

> And I know that Matty is in heaven now, watching over all of us,

giving

> all the babies on this earth that were like him the strength to hold

> on...even if only for just one more day.

> I prayed on Wednesday when Matty got so very very sick for just one

more

> day with him, and he gave me that...He was such a good boy. What

more

> could I ask for???

> When Matty died, his acid level was upwards of 8.5 times normal. He

> always built up lactic acid. To give you some idea, lactic acid is

what

> builds up and causes that " burn " in your muscles when you

> exercise...that " burn " comes when your acid level is 1.5 to 2 times

> normal...Matty's was so high, his body couldn't take the pain and

that's

> when he went into the coma...

>

> Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you all. You all have been

> wonderful. In the short time that I have been on this list, you all

have

> been such a source of comfort and inspiration for me. Sometimes,

friends

> come from the least expected sources.

>

> With love,

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/12/00 12:54:57 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

whyten@... writes:

<< Hi all.

I just wanted to say thank you to all who took the time to send e-mails

my way. I really appreciate that.

I don't really know what to say right now...

My house is so very quiet and my heart is so lonely for my little man.

My arms positively ache to hold him...just one more time. But that's not

to be... >>

I know it must be hard, I have never felt anything like that but all i can

say is, just think of all the good times, and know that Matty is watching

over you and protecting you.

I will be praying for you and thinking of you.

Many soft Hugs

Tasha

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you have been through so much trauma. I was reading an article in

Lifetime magazine last night about people who have started over with totally

different careers. It was really interesting and it seems that you are where

some of those people were at, trying to figure out what to do. Of course you

have the additional health problems mixed into all of it. Is there any way you

can work in some type of part-time health care related field? I don't

understand anything about what type of schooling is needed but can you be a

general practitioner or possibly fill in for other physicians occasionally when

they are traveling? It seems that with your education, someone we can all

brainstorm and think of something that would require few hours but give some

meaning to your life and also bring in an income also. Hey, how about being a

doctor on a cruise ship! You could travel and probably deal with seasickness

more than anything else! Or maybe being a doctor at some resort like

Disneyworld (I love Disney!). I'm just talking off the top of my head but we

can think of more ideas!

Becky

[ ] Thank you to everyone

THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

to back off how much I can put into the business.

Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

ways.

My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

interactions.

Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

Larry

[Guest guest]

Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

> in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

> relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> interactions.

Larry, have you ever explored meditation? I have practiced different

types for more than 20 years (Vipassana, now) and have found it to be

an invaluable tool for getting to the deepest core of who I am, which

allows me to make wise choices, among a multitude of other benefits.

My diagnosis of RA caused me to drop out of a graduate program I had

started, and re-evaluate my direction. Besides meditation, I also see

a counselor twice a month to help me chart a new course. My decision

to volunteer in a battered women's shelter came out of this process.

I will be teaching relaxation techniques.

Sounds like you're a guy who lands on his feet. My best to you.

Sierra

[Guest guest]

Larry, sorry you've had so many serious losses in your life. Big changes

in direction can be quite unsettling, but you are young and seem to have

the personality and talent to enable you to successfully forge ahead in

your search of yourself and a new passion.

If you need us, we're here to listen.

I'll tell you where to go!

Mayo Clinic in Rochester

http://www.mayoclinic.org/rochester

s Hopkins Medicine

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org

[ ] Thank you to everyone

> THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

>

> I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

> years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

> surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

> it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

> I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

>

> I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

> physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

> time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

> go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

> through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

> put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

>

> About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

> effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

> was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

> After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

> business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

> I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

> and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

> the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

> to back off how much I can put into the business.

>

> Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

> miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

> I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

> failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

> ways.

>

> My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

> 1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

> met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

> felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

> ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

> deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

> holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

> Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

>

>

>

> I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

> gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

> relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

> passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

> the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

> who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

> in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

> relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> interactions.

> Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

> and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

>

>

> Larry

[Guest guest]

Hi Larry,

It's good to be able to share with you. You've found a good place to share and

grieve, because one time or another, we all hit this spot and with the strength

and courage of so many folks, we all seem to help each other hang in there, no

matter what we each go through. I was always a very active person since the age

of 6, and now at 57, it all changed. I think one of the hardest things to go

through, is the sudden change in life that often comes like a thief in the

night. I was forced into retirement 2 years ago, because learning disorders of

ADHD and Depression and a few other " goodies " crept up it's ugly head. My life

seemed to have turned on itself overnight. All of a sudden I was not able to

comprehend even simple things that I once took for granted. About 2 months ago,

I began to have painful symptoms of RA, but still waiting for the results of my

test, due in 3 -1/2 wks. To boot, my husband was also diagnosised with OCD and

Asperberg Syndrom, plus possible Autism and ADHD. We were both stunned, and

felt as though we were totally " useless " .

We are both seeking assistance through the State Vocational Rehab. (for the

very first time in our lives) for medical and personal assessments so that we

could take back our lives to some degree. 2 wks, ago, my husband's medication

finally kicked in, and he has regained his ability to be focused on what he

needs to do. My stress level has tapers off to some degree, and my ability to

focus is returning. There is definitely HOPE there!

Hang in there Larry, because life is certainly not over...it's just a new

chapter in our personal story, and it may yet turn out very enlightening in what

we shall become! And yes, it is hard to find your identity again. I'm there

too, and very probable, many of the fine folks in this group. I recently opened

and closed my designer jewelry business within a span of 3 months due to RA and

tax laws! But I think I will be OK with whatever I can find and give back along

life's path. It's who and what I'am, and that's good too.

Larry, I seldom hear from my family in CA., but that's alright, because I know

I love them, and they know it as well. They consider me a Jesus " freak " , but

deep down they truly know I love them all and that's what matters. ( I also have

a sister who is gay, and I think she is one of the sweetest, caring persons I

know. I love her dearly).

I sincerely hope this journey will become easier for you to handle, and that you

will feel free to come back to this group often and share. Please take care,

and wish you well!

Jefersea

[ ] Thank you to everyone

THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

to back off how much I can put into the business.

Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

ways.

My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

interactions.

Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

Larry

[Guest guest]

Can you direct me to how to learn about meditation? I haven't a clue as where

to begin.

Becky

[ ] Re: Thank you to everyone

Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

> in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

> relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> interactions.

Larry, have you ever explored meditation? I have practiced different

types for more than 20 years (Vipassana, now) and have found it to be

an invaluable tool for getting to the deepest core of who I am, which

allows me to make wise choices, among a multitude of other benefits.

My diagnosis of RA caused me to drop out of a graduate program I had

started, and re-evaluate my direction. Besides meditation, I also see

a counselor twice a month to help me chart a new course. My decision

to volunteer in a battered women's shelter came out of this process.

I will be teaching relaxation techniques.

Sounds like you're a guy who lands on his feet. My best to you.

Sierra

[Guest guest]

I'm curious not trying to be nosy, but can you explain the Aspergers/Autism? I

understand both diagnoses but I am stunned that a functioning adult would get

those diagnoses. I am very interested in the fact that I have a friend with a

child that I am suspecting may possibly have Aspergers or Autism, as well as

possibly the dad having it. It would sort of be the piece of the puzzle that

might explain it. I am rambling here but your note really is making me take a

more serious look at it. But, if it's possible, how could I possibly approach

the subject with them? I do not want to mention it about him but the child

definitely needs an evaluation and I've done everything possible without coming

out and being blunt about it. He doesn't seem to get it at all.

Becky

[ ] Thank you to everyone

THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

to back off how much I can put into the business.

Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

ways.

My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

interactions.

Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

Larry

[Guest guest]

--Hi Larry. You must have an incredible amount of inner strength.

It sounds like you are finding out who you are. Maybe you are a

renaissance man! - Hang in there - Sharon

- In , " Larry " <lbflex@a...> wrote:

> THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

>

> I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

> years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

> surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for

what

> it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I

knew

> I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this

way.

>

> I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

> physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering

part

> time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have

to

> go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

> through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope

to

> put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

>

> About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

> effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when

it

> was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic

skills.

> After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

> business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9

months,

> I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small

business

> and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top

of

> the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to

have

> to back off how much I can put into the business.

>

> Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

> miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told

them

> I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which

ultimately

> failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their

dysfunctional

> ways.

>

> My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty

of

> 1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

> met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled,

I

> felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on

the

> ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him

mentally

> deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him

to

> holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting

suicide.

> Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

>

>

>

> I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given

more

> gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

> relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

> passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

> the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made

up,

> who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating

around

> in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

> relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> interactions.

> Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill,

Lynch,

> and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

>

>

> Larry

[Guest guest]

Hey Larry,

That's what this group is all about! Support and encouragement.

Your strength of spirit and body are what will keep you going. Your

relationship with yourself is the most important one of all.

How wonderful to have been given artistic talent and to be able to

express that in making stained glass windows. I look at the ones in

our church, and see the light filtering through them, and it's almost

like a symphony in itself. My artistic talents seem limited to

writing, but I'm content with that.

I am also estranged from my family, which has dwindled down to 2

older brothers. Even when they knew I was going through chemo, they

wanted nothing to do with me. But I have a wonderful family of

friends, so I guess the old expression " blood is thicker than water "

does not necessarily hold true.

So now you are experiencing the healthcare system from the inside,

and maybe you can make a difference from the point of view of a

patient. who knows what changes you can make. Anyway, glad to have

you on board, and even though I don't have RA, if you have any

questions about Dercum's disease, I'm your woman!

Oh, and I don't think the dogs will ever get tired of listening--my

cat has endless patience with me.

Judi

[Guest guest]

Larry,

Thank you for your postings - you are so good with words and I enjoy

reading what you have written. I am " family " also!

I have a question for you - how come it took so long for

disability? I am really having trouble with working now - can't do

secretarial work and now I do sales because I found a new

occupation. Now this is becomming impossible. Now what...I just

want to go back to school, finish my degree so that I can use my

brain instead of my body, to support myself for the rest of my

life....

So back to the original question...why did it take so long? Do we

have to wait until we are so far gone? How did you support yourself

until it came through? I am on commission and salary so I am good

to go for a while, but it is becomming harder...

Any advice...the fatigue, pain, swelling and stiffness are taking

its toll.

Thanks,

in CA

ps...welcome...I am new to the group too....

> > THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

> >

> > I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent

11

> > years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

> > surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for

> what

> > it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I

> knew

> > I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this

> way.

> >

> > I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

> > physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering

> part

> > time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id

have

> to

> > go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make

it

> > through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope

> to

> > put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

> >

> > About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

> > effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home

when

> it

> > was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic

> skills.

> > After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into

a

> > business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9

> months,

> > I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small

> business

> > and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on

top

> of

> > the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to

> have

> > to back off how much I can put into the business.

> >

> > Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

> > miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told

> them

> > I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which

> ultimately

> > failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their

> dysfunctional

> > ways.

> >

> > My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty

> of

> > 1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we

had

> > met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was

paroled,

> I

> > felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back

on

> the

> > ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him

> mentally

> > deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading

him

> to

> > holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting

> suicide.

> > Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

> >

> >

> >

> > I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given

> more

> > gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped

(except

> > relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by

a

> > passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none

of

> > the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they

made

> up,

> > who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating

> around

> > in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> > radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances,

to

> > relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> > interactions.

> > Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill,

> Lynch,

> > and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

> >

> >

> > Larry

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

It might be easier for me to try and attach a copy of a document I found on the

subject. It's still a bit confusing to me too, but I see a lot of the

characteristics in my husband and perhaps a little in me as well. So I hope

this goes through!

Jefersea

[ ] Thank you to everyone

THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

to back off how much I can put into the business.

Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

ways.

My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

interactions.

Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

Larry

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

I have a strong feeling the attached document didn't make it through, so let's

see if I can't provide a brief outline for ya, and get it going here!

Asperger symptoms:

Asperger syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects how the brain

processes information. It shapes a child's social, emotional and communication

skills, and behaviours. Asperger syndrome usually becomes obvious during

childhood and remains throughout life, with varying degrees of disability. There

is no cure. However, a combination of support, regular routine, training and

medication may assist the parents and child.

Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder -

Asperger syndrome is one of the 'autism spectrum disorders'. People with

Asperger syndrome can show a wide range of behaviours and social skills. Some

people's skills are clearly 'normal' most of the time, some may seem 'odd' at

times, while some are quite different from other people.

a.. Difficulty in forming friendships.

b.. A preference for playing alone or with older children and adults.

c.. Ability to talk well, either too much or too little, but difficulty with

communication.

d.. Inability to understand that communication involves listening as well as

talking.

e.. A very literal understanding of what has been said. For example, when

asked to 'get lost', as in go away, a person with Asperger syndrome will be

confused and may literally try to 'get lost'.

f.. Inability to understand the rules of social behaviour, the feelings of

others and to 'read' body language. For example, a person with Asperger syndrome

may not know that someone is showing that they are cross when frowning.

g.. Behaviour varies from mildly unusual to quite aggressive and difficult.

h.. Having rules and rituals that they insist all family members follow.

i.. Anger and aggression when things do not happen as they want.

j.. Sensitivity to criticism.

k.. A narrow field of interests. For example a person with Asperger syndrome

may focus on learning all there is to know about cars, trains or computers.

l.. Eccentricity.

My husband has a lot of the above characteristics. His mother said when he was

very young, he was at first very adorable, friendly, and a very bright student,

but once he reached about 4 -5 yrs. old, the disorder was apparently starting,

but was not understood or diagnosed until recently when it became harder to deal

with.

Becky, I hope this will be helpful for you.

Very sincerely,

Jefersea

[ ] Thank you to everyone

THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

to back off how much I can put into the business.

Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

ways.

My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

interactions.

Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

Larry

[Guest guest]

Larry -Welcome. Thank you for your new insight and contributions to this group.

I think this group will be helpful - as a forum for venting and support if

nothing else. It is amazing how our profession rules our identity. I am an

attorney. I was diagnosed with what they thought was RA ( and later turned out

to be) when I was in law school - and have struggled with the ambition,

competitiveness and the need to keep myself well by pacing myself. I am still

practicing but can see limits on my practice - pretty good trial attorney but I

know that won't be possible for a lot longer - takes too much out of the body. I

think when I am no longer able to practice I will still do pro bono work. Hope I

am able to let go before I am forced to. In the past few years I've struggled

with various immune problems that I know are at least exacerbated by stress.

Creative outlets are a good way to help the self esteem. I belong to a poetry

group and am actually being published later this year in a peace anthology. RA

is not real helpful to the love life - gay or straight. An engagement was

broken in my case a few years backack when I had some blood clots ( and he felt

that the illness was a little too intense.) We can rationalize but it still

hurts. Animals are great healers too. I have two kitties who have been my

buddies through thick and thin. They " mothered me most of the weekend. Ended up

in the emergency room on Friday night with cellulitis....I have no idea how I

developed it - was actually more afraid of clots. It is starting to resolve.

The kitties wouldn't leave me alone - a couple of close friends and a mom were

helpful too. I have become close friends with another attorney ( retired on

disability) on the Arthritis Insight site - who listens to me vent and I listen

to him as well. This group and Ron keep me on my feet. Please stick around. Let

us know what you need. We do our best.

Hugs,

> THank you so much for the immeadiate feedback. All of it helps.

>

> I guess im really searching for my own identity again. I spent 11

> years in college and 5 years in residency to become a general

> surgeon. I had rapidly grown to hate the healthcare system for what

> it had become. It was no longer about taking care of patients. I knew

> I would have to get out, but never dreamed it would be in this way.

>

> I know I'll never go back to it, the hours, the stress, and the

> physical aspcets are too much. Ive thought about volenteering part

> time. But if I want to practice any other type of medicine Id have to

> go back and do another residency, also im not sure I could make it

> through that. Im grateful for the knowledge I gained, and I hope to

> put it to use again someday, I'll never be Dr. Bachmann again.

>

> About 5 years ago I started making stained glass windows, in an

> effort to replace to ones that had originally been in my home when it

> was built a hundred years ago. To my amazement I had artistic skills.

> After I had to leave the practice of medicine, I turned it into a

> business to make ends meet. And it became sucessful within 9 months,

> I had become and artist. Learning the ins and outs of small business

> and the legal aspects of it, have added quite a bit of work on top of

> the designing and production. Now Im realizing that Im going to have

> to back off how much I can put into the business.

>

> Ive been estranged from my family since I was 17. They live 1000

> miles away. Ten or twelve years ago I came out to them and told them

> I was gay. I attempted to repair the relationship, which ultimately

> failed. For me to be healthy I had to stay out of their dysfunctional

> ways.

>

> My ex-partner, was arrested two years ago, and then found guilty of

> 1st degree felony theft a year ago. The crime occured befor we had

> met. I went throught greiving over that loss. When he was paroled, I

> felt I needed to give him a place to stay to get his feet back on the

> ground and find a job. In a surealistic fog, I watched him mentally

> deteriorate into depression and psychosis. Eventually leading him to

> holding me hostage and threatening suicide, then attempting suicide.

> Thank God he was removed from my life for good.

>

>

>

> I have a tremendous inner drive to be successful. Ive been given more

> gifts than I'll ever know. Nearly everything Ive attemtped (except

> relationships) Ive been able to excel in. My drive is fueled by a

> passion for doing what is right and helping others. I know none of

> the above things, alone define who I am. But as a group they made up,

> who I am. Now with so many of them being removed I am floating around

> in a void, not sure of who I am. Not sure how to deal with this

> radically different future Ive been presented. From, finances, to

> relationships, to physical limitation, to altered social

> interactions.

> Thanks for listening to this long ranting, the dogs (Merrill, Lynch,

> and Cuepos) are tired of hearing it.

>

>

> Larry

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks again for your works of encouragement.

Im not sure of the reason why my SS took so long to get. Unfortunately, I

think it is probably about the time it normally takes for are social support

system. But I wont get into that. I was turned down at first ( I didnt even

have a diagnosis at that time). It took almost a year and a half for them to

come up with the diagnosis. I immeadiate appealed my first decision, but it

took

over a year for the appeals hearing to come about, and another 4 months for

the judges letter of decision. Im actually still waiting on SS and Medicare

to contact me> I got the judges letter a month ago.

I dont know what to tell you about your job situation. My situation

basically came on over night. So it was a real abrupt change, no transition

time at

all. I hope some of this helped.

Take care

Larry

Atlanta

[Guest guest]

Hi: I cannot sit at the computer for long, as they do not want me to keep my

legs bent. I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and concern for my DVT

problem. I have a very huge blood clot, and just praying that they can dissolve

it without disturbing my platelets.

They already reduced my dosage today, due to my blood being too thin now.

Trying to walk to keep the circulation going etc.

I try to read what is going on when I can. Hope to be able to get onto the

messages more often.

Love to All

A.

[Guest guest]

My prayers are with you .  Can I ask you what anticoagulant are you taking

at home?

 ~Karine~

________________________________

From: A <suzzienovember@...>

Sent: Tue, February 8, 2011 3:24:46 PM

Subject: [ ] Thank You to Everyone

 

Hi: I cannot sit at the computer for long, as they do not want me to keep my

legs bent. I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and concern for my DVT

problem. I have a very huge blood clot, and just praying that they can dissolve

it without disturbing my platelets.

They already reduced my dosage today, due to my blood being too thin now. Trying

to walk to keep the circulation going etc.

I try to read what is going on when I can. Hope to be able to get onto the

messages more often.

Love to All

A.

[Guest guest]

Hi:  I am on Coumadin 6 mg. a day, but my doctor called tonight to tell me that

my blood was too thin, and I am on a schedule of off and on again with some days

only taking half a pill.

Prayers are the best medicine I could get right now.

From: Karine Vallier <karinevallier@...>

Subject: Re: [ ] Thank You to Everyone

Date: Tuesday, February 8, 2011, 8:32 PM

 

My prayers are with you .  Can I ask you what anticoagulant are you taking

at home?

 ~Karine~

________________________________

From: A <suzzienovember@...>

Sent: Tue, February 8, 2011 3:24:46 PM

Subject: [ ] Thank You to Everyone

 

Hi: I cannot sit at the computer for long, as they do not want me to keep my

legs bent. I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and concern for my DVT

problem. I have a very huge blood clot, and just praying that they can dissolve

it without disturbing my platelets.

They already reduced my dosage today, due to my blood being too thin now. Trying

to walk to keep the circulation going etc.

I try to read what is going on when I can. Hope to be able to get onto the

messages more often.

Love to All

A.

[Guest guest]

Suzzie,

So sorry to hear of your problem. You are in my prayers. Please keep me posted

and your right prayers are the best medicine.

Love lots,

Peggy Becker

Connected by MOTOBLURâ„¢ on T-Mobile

[ ] Thank You to Everyone

 

Hi: I cannot sit at the computer for long, as they do not want me to keep my

legs bent. I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and concern for my DVT

problem. I have a very huge blood clot, and just praying that they can dissolve

it without disturbing my platelets.

They already reduced my dosage today, due to my blood being too thin now. Trying

to walk to keep the circulation going etc.

I try to read what is going on when I can. Hope to be able to get onto the

messages more often.

Love to All

A.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Just want to add my good luck messages. I'm sorry to laugh, but I have visions

of you sitting at the computer with legs bent up to your chest! Ask them for a

foot stool then you can stretch your legs out a bit.

Best wishes, Shelagh

>

> Hi: I cannot sit at the computer for long, as they do not want me to keep my

legs bent. I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and concern for my DVT

problem. I have a very huge blood clot, and just praying that they can dissolve

it without disturbing my platelets.

> They already reduced my dosage today, due to my blood being too thin now.

Trying to walk to keep the circulation going etc.

> I try to read what is going on when I can. Hope to be able to get onto the

messages more often.

> Love to All

> A.

>