Re: A troubling relationship

[Guest guest]

I have to second everything Beth has said. People make their own choices and have to come to their acceptance or not of their condition. It is very difficult to see your mother suffer. But maybe when you are feeling stronger, you can share with her your diagnosis and how you are handling your health. Once you find the right medication that helps you, you might just let her know how much better you are feeling and hope she takes the hint.

I am dealing with a very stubborn father who won't take much advice on his health and know how incredibly frustrating that is. But at a certain point, you give them the information and then it is up to them to use it or not. It sounds as though your mom is probably not open to any kind of therapy, or otherwise I would suggest that. Sometimes an outside ear is easier to talk to than one's family.

Good luck to you.

gloria

[Guest guest]

Sierra,

I'm so sorry to read of your problems with your mom - you've got a

lot to come to terms with and deal with your own illness, and the

stress of the issue with your mother won't help I think you're doing

the right thing by seeking assistance from your EAP. You need to take

care of yourself, and talking with an objective outsider can often

help.

Your mom is an adult and has made her own choices about her health

and the type of care that she wants (or doesn't). It's really hard

to stand by and watch someone you love not take care of themself, but

she is responsible for her decision (not you) and the consequences of

her inaction.

You mentioned that seeing her condition is your worst nightmare -

remember that she has chosen not to seek care, and what you are

seeing is (possibly) the result of untreated RA. You, on the other

hand, are taking charge of your life and disease, and will likely not

end up as she has.

Take care of yourself. Beth

> I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor.

> She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint

> damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes.

All

> she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek

> medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her

> condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not

appreciate

> it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so

> profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in

> the living room.

>

> I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I

> received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:

>

> 1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst

nightmare

> about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.

>

> 2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.

>

> 3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face

> reality.

>

> 4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis.

>

> She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be

> supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above

> feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which

is

> a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests

> done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me

that

> taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the

medical

> profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by

sharing

> my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.

>

> Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For

> now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should

give

> myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact

with

> me.

>

> I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this

over

> with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no

easy

> choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but

this

> issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?

>

> Sierra

[Guest guest]

> You mentioned that seeing her condition is your worst nightmare -

> remember that she has chosen not to seek care, and what you are

> seeing is (possibly) the result of untreated RA. You, on the other

> hand, are taking charge of your life and disease, and will likely

not

> end up as she has.

Thanks, Beth. I really do believe that is true.

Sierra

[Guest guest]

Your mother might have a fixation against doctors and medications. You might try to bring up that some people help themselves with RA by changing diet and nutrition. Here's a link that leads to stories about this. http://arthritisinsight.com/living/diet/index.html The ones on "Leaky Gut Syndrome" and "Joe's Story" II am somewhat familiar with but I know nothing of the others. I use medicines to control my RA but if they didn't work for me I wouldn't hesitate to try some alternative treatments for RA. I hope you are able to establish meaningful communication with your mother. Good luck and God bless.

----- Original Message -----

From: snowdrift52003

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2004 6:20 PM

Subject: A troubling relationship

I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor. She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes. All she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not appreciate it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in the living room.I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst nightmare about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face reality.4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis. She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which is a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me that taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the medical profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by sharing my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should give myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact with me.I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this over with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no easy choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but this issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?Sierra

[Guest guest]

I went through the same thing with my mother. She was hospitalized at 17 with the disease, and it progressed slowly after that, but she insisted she had osteoarthritis and would not go to any doctor other than her very old gp. We fought over the issue more than once, but eventually dropped it, and I finally had to accept that what she did with her health was her choice. It wasn't mine, but then it wasn't my life, either.

----- Original Message ----- From: oregonbeth

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2004 10:36 PM

Subject: Re: A troubling relationship

Sierra,I'm so sorry to read of your problems with your mom - you've got a lot to come to terms with and deal with your own illness, and the stress of the issue with your mother won't help I think you're doing the right thing by seeking assistance from your EAP. You need to take care of yourself, and talking with an objective outsider can often help.Your mom is an adult and has made her own choices about her health and the type of care that she wants (or doesn't). It's really hard to stand by and watch someone you love not take care of themself, but she is responsible for her decision (not you) and the consequences of her inaction.You mentioned that seeing her condition is your worst nightmare - remember that she has chosen not to seek care, and what you are seeing is (possibly) the result of untreated RA. You, on the other hand, are taking charge of your life and disease, and will likely not end up as she has.Take care of yourself. Beth> I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor. > She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint > damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes. All > she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek > medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her > condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not appreciate > it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so > profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in > the living room.> > I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I > received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:> > 1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst nightmare > about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.> > 2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.> > 3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face > reality.> > 4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis. > > She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be > supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above > feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which is > a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests > done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me that > taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the medical > profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by sharing > my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.> > Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For > now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should give > myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact with > me.> > I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this over > with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no easy > choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but this > issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?> > Sierra

[Guest guest]

i can relate to that. have a dear cousin who is in denial as to his condition. there are some things we have to accept and i have found that pressuring them doesn't help. they just arch their back and purse the lips and shrug it off. have that problem myself to some extent, but do do the DR bit and medications. it is difficult, but each of us have to realize that we are not responsible for anothers' decisions and that we can not blame ourselves and take the responsibility for another's decisions. You do what you need to do to get through this yourself.

perhaps she thinks she is doing the brave thing in refusing to admit to it and doesn't realize what a hardship it is on her family who will probably have to be her care takers when she becomes incapacitated.

also, she may feel she does not have the funds available for the medical expenses, so is trying to just ignore the problem. what ever her thoughts, you take care of yourself and things will unfold in time, one way or the other.

love.. granny lee

----- Original Message -----

From: snowdrift52003

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2004 8:20 PM

Subject: A troubling relationship

I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor. She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes. All she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not appreciate it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in the living room.I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst nightmare about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face reality.4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis. She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which is a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me that taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the medical profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by sharing my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should give myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact with me.I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this over with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no easy choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but this issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?Sierra

[Guest guest]

Snowdrift,

Surely feel for you about relationship. All others are giving you good advice. Take care of yourself right now!

I have had RA for 7 years and after many drugs and many doctors I found an alternative doc who helped me the most. My body is sensitive to all the drugs and I am doing better with big doses of vitamin C, fish oil, chicken cartilage, and an anti-inflammatory(only prescription I take). I have some deformity in hand and feet and may be looking at surgery on hand. However, I am still working fulltime, have a family, care for mother and uncle. I am very functional and grateful for all the progress I have made.

Good luck and God bless,

Kay

----- Original Message -----

From: snowdrift52003

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2004 8:20 PM

Subject: A troubling relationship

I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor. She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes. All she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not appreciate it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in the living room.I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst nightmare about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face reality.4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis. She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which is a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me that taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the medical profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by sharing my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should give myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact with me.I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this over with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no easy choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but this issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?Sierra