A troubling relationship

January 27, 2004

I'm positive that my mom has RA, though she will not see a doctor.

She's fairly young, but walks with difficulty and has obvious joint

damage in her hands. She sleeps a lot and I see pain in her eyes. All

she'll take is a little aspirin. I've tried to get her to seek

medical help, but she refuses. She seems to be in denial about her

condition. She does not speak of it, and clearly does not appreciate

it when I bring it up. Because her illness is affecting her life so

profoundly, it often feels like we can't talk about the elephant in

the living room.

I thought I had come to acceptance of her choices, but when I

received my diagnosis of RA recently, I began to feel two things:

1. Scared at the sight of her condition, which is my worst nightmare

about this illness. Her life looks like it's pretty near over.

2. Anger that she has not sought medical care.

3. Anger at what feels like dishonesty/falsity--her refusal to face

reality.

4. Sadness that she can't comfort me with my recent diagnosis.

She's pretty much homebound due to her illness and I want to be

supportive by visiting her more, but am troubled by the above

feelings. Also, I feel I cannot tell her about my diagnosis, which is

a big thing on my mind right now. She knew I was having some tests

done, but she hasn't asked about results--and won't. She told me that

taking Vioxx would make me worse. She has such hatred for the medical

profession... I just don't want to open myself up to that by sharing

my news...I feel too vulnerable right now.

Do I just go and enjoy shallow visits? I think so--eventually. For

now, because of just receiving my own diagnosis, maybe I should give

myself a little time before I try to meet her needs for contact with

me.

I'm planning to call employee assistance tomorrow and talk this over

with a counselor; it's a charged situation and I feel I have no easy

choices. I love my mom a lot and want to be a good daughter, but this

issue feels like a big barrier to closeness. Any thoughts?

Sierra

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