Hey everybody

[Guest guest]

(Deja-vu!)

Sorry I haven't been very active; life's been pretty... interesting for the

past few months. I always feel incredibly guilty when I post and ask for

advice, or to vent, and I get many kindhearted and warm messages back yet I

tend not to reciprocate. =\ I do read many e-mails that come my way, and

you're all in my thoughts and prayers, though I might not always write it =)

So as I may or may not have mentioned earlier, I started my Sophomore year.

I went into the year about 2 or 3 weeks after being DXed with Still's. Big

mistake. My school's 3 hours away and I'm completely uninsured out of town.

For the first few weeks everything was going splendidly; I was keepign up

with classes, having fun with friends, and Luther (my school) was really

understanding about the Still's and was trying to help as best it could.

Then a flare-up started. For the past few months, it's been a'flaring. About

2 weeks ago I ended up having a series of mental breakdowns and panic

attacks and was nearly put on suicide watch. I realized I blindly jumped

ahead and tried to live my life like I had before without taking a breather,

and it was killing me physically and mentally.

I dropped out of the semester early last week. I knew if I kept trying to

finish this semester out I'd die; one way or another. The depression was

suffocating me. I couldn't keep up the juggling act of friends, health, and

school. With the intervention of my Parents and the on-campus psychologist,

I'm putting my health at the top of the list and spending a few months at

home to simply rest.

I'm still trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel, but God damn is

it feeling impossible right now.

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