accptance/denial/anger

[Guest guest]

So, I've been reading a lot about acceptance, denial, anger, etc. and wanted

to add to it a bit..

When I first got sick, I was in major DENIAL, Then ANGERRRRR... then thought

I totally accepted everything...

then all of a sudden out of the blue, ANGERRRR showed up again....

So what am I saying? I am saying that this process is not linear... It's

not a process that you can expect to go through in any particular order and

boom, everything is fine and dandy and you accept that you have a chronic

illness. This is a process in which on any given day you can find yourself

accepting the illness, or finding yourself very angry that you have the

illness again. So It's totally normal that you may think that you went

through all the stages of Grieving for who you were and who you are now to

find that now you really didn't finish that process.. and guess what... it's

going to be like that for a long time...

The difference is that as you have the illness longer, you get to recognize

that you are understanding the process and understanding the moods better

and that even though you Accept the new 'You' so to speak, that you are

somewhat angry today at what you have to deal with today because of today.

That's totally normal. What's not normal is to think that you accept

everything and then you never get upset or angry at the chronic illness that

you have to deal with again.

A lot of books talk about anywhere from 3 to 5 different stages of grief

when you either lose someone or have a chronic illness. When you have a

chronic illness it's basically like losing the old you, like I lost the old

and had to find the new . I didn't like that Sam I am....

No. I didn't like that at all. I had to give up a job that society put a

lot of value in. I knew that by 10 or 11 of every day I would feel like I

had the worse flu you could imagine (every day - because of the fibro - as

if stills wasn't enough). I had to accept that lights would make my eye

pain trigger a stabbing knife going into my left eye and then I'd have

blurry vision for a while. So I went into a deep denial... I told everyone

I was OK to work for at least part time in the office and the rest at home

... And I was going to do it, NO MATTER WHAT... And I did, for like 18

months, until I looked like Death Warmed over and had my Doctors, Family,

Friends and Husband ready to lock my in our bedroom. My counselor said I

was probably one of the toughest eggs to break out of Denial ever, because I

was going to push through it..

But I gave up myself before they did an intervention (and I truley thank

God for that). I went to my Doctor and said I can't do this anymore.. He

said, man, I was wondering if I was going to have to tie you to your bed or

do an intervention before you got through the denial stage. He said most

people get through it within 6 months or so, but no, not me. Multiply that

by 3. I asked him what he thought about a leave of absence for 6 months, he

smiled, said, 6 months, thats all?, I said yep... i'll be OK after that. He

didn't fight me, but he knew, that was it... end of work. I never went

back after that. That's when I truly started to get past Denial, Anger,

Grief, etc, they jumped around for awhile, but I really found that they are

not in a straight line... and it's ok. It's health to let them jump around

to where your mind wants them to go. You get through to acceptance faster.

8 yrs later, I still get frustrated, say things like it isn't fair and do a

bit of grieving for what was lost. However, I aslo look at the other side,

what was given. The time we have together as husband and wife. The time I

have with my nieces and nephews. The family time I wouldn't have if I was

always working. Even the time with the dogs that wouldn't be as valuable if

I was working. Time with friends -mostly on the phone, but very rewarding.

Family time that never would have happened if I was still working. All

these things that society could care a less about, but I value way more than

a paycheck.

Anyway. Sorry about the long email, but I wanted to make sure that my point

was mostly understood. Yes, I still get angry, I got upset last night in

fact. I do anytime I have a long day because of the pain. BUT and that is a

big but, acceptance does come. I do laugh with my nieces and newphes,

brothers and sisters.

A very wise Pastor once said to me, just because you have an illness doesn't

mean you are the illness.. I think of that every day. Think about it.

You'll get it.

Hugs to all