What Forgiveness Is Not

[Guest guest]

What Forgiveness Is NotForgiveness is not forgetting. We are taught from an early age to"forgive and forget." However, this is often not realistic and is notvaluable. It would be nice to be able to turn back the clock and erasethe unpleasantness of our past, but it just isn't possible. The realtrick isn't to forget the past, but to learn from the past and try touse it to help yourself and others both now and in the future.Forgiveness is not condoning. Forgiving doesn't mean that the past wasokay or not so bad. We were hurt; it was painful; and it affected ourlives. Forgiveness allows us to deal with the past in a more effectivemanner that doesn't minimize the past, but rather minimizes the effectsof that painful past on the present and our future. It in no way denies,justifies, or condones the original harm done to us inthe past.Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness does not absolve theperpetrator of responsibility for their actions. It doesn't let them offthe hook. The reality is that we cannot grant absolution even if wewanted to -- that is the sole responsibility of God. And while only Godcan grant absolution, only the perpetrator can seek it. They areultimately responsible for their own actions and must make peace withtheir own past, just as we must make peace with our past. We don'tforgive others for their sake. We forgive for our own sake, and for ourown peace of mind.Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is notpretending that everything is just fine when you feel it isn't. This isperhaps the most difficult concept of forgiveness to understand becausesometimes the distinction between being truly forgiving and simplydenying or repressing anger and pain can be deceptive and confusing.Plastering a smile on your face and "making nice" is notforgiving. Either we forgive, or we do not -- there is no halfway. Andwe must be careful to be honest with ourselves if we are not ready toforgive, because in the long run it is better to admit to and deal withour inability to forgive than just to pretend to forgive.Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Far from weakness, forgiveness isa sign of true inner strength. When we forgive we understand that wedon't need our anger and hatred to protect ourselves. We don't need thepain as a crutch anymore. Forgiveness doesn't depend upon who hurt us,what they did, or whether or not they are sorry for their actions. Wedon't forgive out of our weakness toward the perpetrator, but out of ourown internal strength. Forgiveness is something that we do forourselves.What Forgiveness IsForgiveness is a form of realism. It allows us to see our lives as theyreally are, probably for the first time. It doesn't deny, minimize, orjustify what others have done to us, or the pain that we have suffered.It does, however, allow us to look squarely at old wounds and scars andsee them for what they are. And it allows us to see how much energy wehave wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving.Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. It allows us to put thepast into its proper perspective. We no longer identify ourselves by ourpast injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims. We claim theright to stop hurting when we say: "I'm tired of the pain, and I want tobe healed." At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility --although it may take time and much hard work before itis finally achieved.Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Forgiveness doesn't erase whathappened, but it does allow you to lessen and hopefully eliminate thepain of the past. And more importantly, the pain from our past no longerdictates how we live in the present and can no longer determine ourfuture.Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. It meansthat we no longer want to get even, or spend time dreaming of how wewill make them suffer for what they have done to us. It is realizingthat we may never be able to "even the score" and that even if we didthat nothing we do to punish them will help to heal us. It isdiscovering the inner peace that we feel when we just let go of the pastand forget thoughts of vengeance.Forgiveness is moving on. Forgiveness is in recognizing all that we havelost because of our refusal to forgive. It's in realizing that theenergy that we spent hanging on to the past is better spent on improvingour present lives and our future. It's letting go of the past so that wecan move on.A Happier EndingWe all have painful incidents from our past. And at one time or anotherwe have all made the mistake of trying to run away from the past. Theproblem is that no matter how fast you run, or how far you run, the pasthas a way of always catching up to you. Forgiveness is a way of dealingwith the past so that we no longer have to run. It allows us to dealhonestly with our past and allows us to heal the pain. It helps us tofind the inner peace that can come only from changing ourselves and ourattitudes.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,Things we don't want to know but have to learn,And people we can't live without but have to let go."~ author unknown