Intro . . .rambling

[Guest guest]

Hi . . .feel free to delete this if it's too long for ya! Sorry!

I'm Marci, long-time lurker. I am a very long-time believer in BFL

and many times I've started challenges, never actually finished one,

but for the time I managed to stick with it, I made progress. Of

course, as soon as I go back to my old ways, the weight comes back

and the progress goes away. And when I'm not doing it, i tend to

just delete the emails I get from this group b/c of how guilty it

makes me feel to hear about everyone doing so well and pushing

through the hard times.

Lots of things have changed for me over the last two years. I moved

across the country (from FL to CA), started a new job, and met and

married the man of my dreams. I'm happier than I've ever been but the

one thing that I still have holding me back is my weight and health.

And of course, even though I lost weight before the wedding (October

2007), I've gained it all back plus more. And it effects me. I know

it stops me from wanting to go out and hang out with our friends. It

seems that all my husband's friends married tiny little women who

never gain an ounce! So that makes me self-consicous. And I know

that when I don't want to go out it bothers my husband although he

doesn't make a big deal of it. I've tried once or twice since we got

married to restart BFL, but it seems almost impossible. When before,

I could stick to it for at least a few weeks, now it seems like I

can't even get through one day. My husband tries to be supportive

but I think I don't even know the best way for him to support me.

For example, he'll try to be help by reminding me that maybe I

shouldn't eat something that I want to eat, but that just makes me

feel like crap, which makes me depressed, which makes me want to eat

more of the stuff I'm not supposed to eat! And it's not like he does

it in a belittling manner or anything, it's just that I am so damn

sensative about my weight that things effect me more than they

should. He tells me I am way too hard on myself, like nothing is good

enough. I don't know if I believe that completely, but I do know

that I tend to give up if I don't do something perfectly.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to find that push to get started, keep

going and finish. I have plans to start this coming week. I know it

works, I want to be the woman that I know I am inside. I look in the

mirror and it's not me, it's someone that I don't wanna be. I feel

weak and soft and huge and I'm sick of it. I'm going to be 30 years

old next February and I don't want to start my 30's feeling like I do

now. I have a list of goals that I wrote a few years ago, things I

want to do before I turn 30. One of them is to complete a triathlon,

well, I'm signing up for one in September. And another one is to

reach my goal weight/size, I have about 80-90lbs to lose. I want to

be the woman I know I am inside.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to share my situation with

others. It's alot easier to write this to a bunch of strangers than

to anyone I know . . . so I invite any comments, suggestions,

questions or whatever. I'd be really interested to hear from anyone

who feels like they're in a similar situation!

Well, thanks for listening!!

Marci