From The Book - Living On Love - The Messenger - Tease 3

[Guest guest]

As Danny finished pouring my drink, I collected my thoughts. I

reached in my coat pocket for my cigarettes. I glanced around to

see if the gentleman was still sitting at his table. It looked

like he had not moved an inch, rather odd especially since he

hadn't been served the whole time I was there, and that had been

almost an hour.

Danny put my drink in front of me while I took a drag of my

cigarette.

" So, Klaus, " Danny had a smirk on his face. " Am I pronouncing your

name right? "

" Close enough. " I stirred the ice in my glass.

" I figured you might want a cold one this time. " Danny was still

grinning.

" Your instincts were right. Thank you! " I grinned back.

" So how about that story? "

" I spent most of my life, except for the last couple of years,

very unhappily. It's hard to explain but there has been a deep

inner sadness. Actually a better way to explain it is that there

seemed to be no happiness in me. Perhaps I should say happiness

was just missing and no matter what happened, good or bad, it just

was not there, and I could not do anything about it. "

" You see, this is the problem… to really understand what I mean

you need to know the rest of the story but at the same time I

can't really tell you the story without telling you this part. " I

shook my head.

Danny came around the bar to grab a barstool, carried it to where

he had been standing, and sat down.

" I can see the feelings, Klaus, but I can't hear them, " Neena

said.

" Just thinking about those days makes me feel a little sad, " I

said, in a low voice.

" Didn't people notice you were sad? " Neena's sympathetic voice was

trying to help me along.

" That part really doesn't matter, " I said. " But as far as the

unhappiness goes, I tried all sorts of things over the years. I

even watched other people to see what brought them happiness and

then tried the same things.

For instance, I noticed that when

people purchased a new car they would be really happy…at least for

a while. Or they'd act happy if they were getting into a

relationship.

There's an endless amount of things people do to be

happy, and I basically tried them all. It may sound strange but

none of these things did anything for me. As a matter of fact, a

lot of the time it made me more miserable than I was before,

simply because I was waiting for something to happen and nothing

did.

One crazy example comes to mind. I remember buying a new car,

thinking that this would bring me happiness, but after I bought

the car, I ended up sitting in it for two or three hours waiting

for happiness or joy to flow over me like it seems to do for other

people. But nothing happened. I was not any happier than before I

bought the car. Yet it appears that this is not the case with

other people. But I did not stop trying. I tried many other

things over the years.

I've read hundreds of books of all kinds

from meditation to mind power, mind control, thinking positive,

books on Love, books on life, all kinds of self-help books, but

nothing helped. It was like there was something missing in me. But

I also noticed that I was not the only one, there were lots of

other people in much the same situation. Knowing that I was not

the only one really didn't help much. In one way I was determined

to solve this problem yet in another way I felt hopeless and many

times gave up.

I also took courses, and joined some self help

groups. The most interesting of all was when I decided to go for

therapy. It was a sad time for me, and I was convinced that there

was something wrong with me. But after three weeks of spilling my

guts, I was told that I was fine and most definitely still sane,

which was good to hear, and I was also told that there was no

reason to continue with the sessions. All I needed to do was find

something that I really enjoyed doing, and go for it. It's too bad

that it was not quite that easy. "

I stopped for a moment to light another cigarette when I noticed

Danny was chuckling to himself.

" So what's so amusing to you about all of this? "

" I have never actually met someone before who would sit in a car

for two or three hours waiting for happiness to spring up. But I

salute your determination. " Danny gave me a salute and a big grin.

" Then this unhappiness was your driving force? " Neena asked.

" Exactly. Instead of searching for money, fame, Love, career, or

any of the normal things that people spend their lives trying to

achieve, all I wanted was to be happy. Another way of saying it

would be that I wanted to be free of the pain and the grief it was

causing me. "

I fell into deep thought as I watched the smoke curl upwards from

my cigarette. I thought about some of the things that a lack of

happiness makes you do and some of the paths that it leads you

down. There was also something else on my mind and I was trying to

decide whether or not I should say anything about it, when Neena

interrupted my thoughts.

" It would be surprising if you had never thought of ending it all,

or perhaps making an attempt! " she said.

I looked at Neena. Seeing the sparkles in her eyes, I thought

obviously the universe has brought some of its best players into

this game and is leaving nothing to chance. It appears that the

universe knows me better than I was aware of.

I stood up and asked where the washroom was. I wanted a moment to

collect my thoughts. Danny pointed to a small wooden plank door at

the end of the bar.

The washroom was not very big, not much bigger than an outhouse

with no windows and definitely no way to escape, if a person was

so inclined. I thought about everything that I had said so far

and decided to continue. After all, I had nothing to lose.

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