From The Book - Living On Love - The Messenger - Tease 5

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From The Book - Living On Love - Tease 5

I stretched a bit and sat down on my stool, planning on taking a

break and listening to some music for a bit, but Danny gave me a

look of impatience and tapped his fingers on the bar. I took the

hint.

" It was roughly about two years later. Emotionally I was in the

same place as before, only this time I had lost my job and was

heading for my first bankruptcy. Losing my job or going into

bankruptcy wasn't the worst of it. I had been working very hard

for about one year in a support group and the only results that

came from all the work was that I made some friends and got to

whine a bit. Actually I got a few things off my chest but I still

was not happy. "

" So did you try anything else over those two years, other than the

support group? " Neena asked.

" I tried lots of different things, but in one way or another it

almost felt like something was stopping me from finding happiness.

At that time nothing really made sense. I understand it now but

back then, it was driving me nuts. "

Everyone fell into silence. My mind was caught up in the past.

" I remember now. I was really upset. I was getting mad, you know?

I was mad at the universe. In a lot of ways I was upset at

whatever had come and visited me. What right did this thing have

to scare me half to death but at the same time not really helping,

just telling me I should know better? How am I supposed know

better? I was ready for a fight! I was also very tired of life.

Nothing seemed to work for me and everything I touched seemed to

turn to dust. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say

that without happiness life just becomes an endless night. There

was also an enormous deep inner pain that I just couldn't get rid

of. It's nearly impossible for me to verbally express all the

feelings and emotions that had at that time. I just couldn't

understand why something like inner happiness, something that is

supposed to be very natural would be so difficult for me to get,

and it was driving me up the wall. I can get very cranky when I

don't get what I want, especially if I work really hard for it. I

should mention that I wasn't always totally unhappy. I had happy

moments but I wasn't satisfied with the amount of happiness I had

and I wanted more. Do you understand what I mean? "

Neena looked at me. " Yes, I think I understand. "

" Did you really think that you could win with something that's

perhaps a hundred times your size? " Danny asked.

I shook my head. " Winning is not always important. What is

important is making the stand. Obviously the stand I was making

wasn't exactly the right one. I just thought that life had nothing

to offer me and I wanted to go somewhere else. What has always

amazed me is that people will fight for rocks, dirt, and

everything else except for Love and joy. Those are really the

things that are worth fighting for. Everything else is nothing

more than temporary. "

Danny nodded in agreement.

" It was about one o'clock in the morning. I had made my decision

that in the morning, I would simply drive to the mountains and

make it look like an accident. But shortly after I made up my

mind, I started to feel really peaceful. It was something I had

never felt before. I was just lying there peacefully on my bed. I

guess during that time I must have dozed off into a half-sleep and

half-awake kind of state, and in that trance-like state I had a

vision. It was as real as anything was, just like I was there

physically. I was standing in the middle of an art gallery. I was

looking around when I noticed that a lot of the pictures that were

hanging on the walls were actually mine. That's when the fun

began. I heard a door open and a woman walked in. She was tall and

slim, with straight blond hair almost down to her shoulders, milky

white skin, and large eyes. Before I knew it, she was standing

directly in front of me. She was incredibly beautiful. The only

way I can say it is to say she was more beautiful than her

features. You could see the beauty even though it went beyond

appearance. We were standing face to face no more than one foot

apart. "

She asked, " Are you Klaus? "

" The second she said that, it felt like every cell in my body had

come to life and was paying attention. It was like I was made up

of billions and billions of cells and each one had their own

consciousness and at that very moment each one was paying

attention. It was the weirdest feeling but at the same time one

the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. It was like

every cell in my body was an individual that had a stake in my

life. They were almost like little beings, all working together

to create my physical body so that I can live and experience

physical life. I got the impression that everything I do affects

them and matters to them. I tried to answer her question but I

couldn't. There was too much going on in my body, so I just

nodded my head. She put out her hand and as we shook hands, she

said, " I would like you to stick around for awhile. It will all

made sense later. "

" Her voice was like listening to a thousand angels. Every cell in

my body was still paying attention. It was overwhelming.

Unfortunately, the second she stopped talking it was over, and I

was back in my bed, wide-awake. Over the next few months I became

obsessed with this vision and tried to go there many times, but

with no success. Not even close. "

" What was it that obsessed you so much about this vision? " Neena

asked.

" I thought that maybe I would meet this person in real life. It

was a silly idea, but a flicker of hope nevertheless. The hope

alone kept me going for almost three years, a long three years I

might add. But I think that was the plan. The universe probably

figured that if it couldn't scare me into sticking around then

seducing me might work better. Obviously it worked at least for a

while. "

" Maybe it was a chemical imbalance in your body. Did you ever

think of that? " Danny asked.

" Oh, yeah. I thought about that, and even saw several doctors, but

the bottom line is that I would rather suffer than be on some kind

of drugs for the rest of my life. Most of them have serious side

effects, and I was also afraid that some of the drugs might cause

me in some way never to be happy without them. I also had some

hope that someday I would find the answer. Drugs are only a

temporary solution; they do not solve the problem or the issue

that is really causing the problem in the first place. As far as I

am concerned happiness and Love should not have anything to do

with circumstances or experiences or my physical body. "

The Book

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