Re: was talking and what do ya all think

[Guest guest]

I know, I'm under the age of 25. But I wanted to ask, when feeling depressed

does anyone wanna kill someone else instead of themselves? I'm not kidding,

I've never felt the urge to take my own life. Someone else's on the other hand.

Okay, maybe I am kidding. But suicide's never crossed my mind. And I just

wanted to ask.

: )

Take me away back to the green fields of May

Because the son never shines on closed doors

And we all go the same way home

Death comes like a thief in the night

To steal while you sleep

The soul's flickering light

Well maybe it's then

She said, I'll see you again

Because the son never shines on closed doors

....And we all go the same way home

Yeah we all go the same way home - ¡The Son Never Shines(On Closed Doors)

Flogging Molly

[Guest guest]

,

Given the circumstances I don't think

it's a kidding matter.

I'd like to say that age has no bearing

on suicidal thoughts and attempts. I

overdosed the second year after being

diagnosed with Still's at the age of 20.

I had a baby girl, was a single mom and

lived alone. Although I have the

greatest family in the world and they

were there for me every single day, I

was in such pain and so sick I couldn't

move without assistance and my meds had

me so messed up physically that I

couldn't even hold down a glass of

water. I felt that I couldn't take care

of myself so that my daughter would be

better off being raised by my loving

family and I had taught her if mommy

fell to go to the neighbors house. So

late at night I took all my pain meds.

I did not die and I pulled through in a

daze for several days and never told my

family. I did tell some close friends

that did not know my family and they

stayed with me but I never at that time

got assistance from doctors for

depression. I was just so overwhelmed

with pain and grief and could not see

how I could live like that.

Many years later I was and am diagnosed

bi-polar but I think that incidence was

sheer Still's related and not my

bi-polar disorder.

No, I have never thought of killing

someone else. I thought it would be

alright for me because I could not know

at the time how wonderful my life would

be, has been and that this disease can

go in to remission and you can live a

good life.

I am not pleased with your insensitivity

with this subject if indeed your post

was meant to be joking. If not, please

forgive me for passing judgment. I

apologize. I am very sensitive right

now and do not find anything humorous in

this topic.

-----Original Message-----

I know, I'm under the age of 25. But I

wanted to ask, when feeling depressed

does anyone wanna kill someone else

instead of themselves? I'm not kidding,

I've never felt the urge to take my own

life. Someone else's on the other hand.

Okay, maybe I am kidding. But suicide's

never crossed my mind. And I just

wanted to ask.

: )

____________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

,

That's not what I meant. I used to get so angry that God chose me instead of my

crap of a brother. I hated that he got to walk 'round while I was bed bound.

He used to threaten me and all kinds of other stuff that I'm not gonna go into.

So I never thought about suicide, I wanted him to hurt as much as I do. I

didn't mean it to be literally taken as a joke, I was tryin' to pass it off

incase it pissed anyone off. I'm sorry you didn't get that. Never mind.

: )

This is a public service announcement, this is only a test

Emergency evacuation process

May impair your ability to operate machinery

Can't quite tell just what it means to me

Keep out of reach of children, don't you talk to strangers

Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker - 'Warning' Green Day

[Guest guest]

Marty, to answer your questions: never, ever, ever. I was terminally

cheerful. No matter where I lived (I moved a lot--from NH to Alaska

to PA to Belgium to Bulgaria etc.), people would start calling me

" Sunshine " spontaneously. I would get into such laughing fits that I

would literally fall to the floor.

Now, I'm always fighting back tears or trying to swallow my anger. I

know it's supposed to get better, and I know it will, but I don't know

if I'll ever recover from losing the self/life I had before Still's.

I LOVED my life. I LOVED my former self.

/Maine

> did you fight depression before stills?

>  did you always feel down or sad before stills?

>  now the same but after stills

>  what did you do before that helped?

> what do you do now?

>  who can or do you feel you can realy tell how your feeling if any one?

>  did you talk to any one about it before stills?

>  do you feel any of us need to look out for it be it stills alone or

the meds?

>  do you feel it is worse with meds ?

>  better with meds?

>  just some thought I have had and questions and well may be others

also have them and seeing it may help .Knowing what others feel , have

done , how they deal may help or give

[Guest guest]

 I know you say " your kidding maybe " but for my self I can say no! when I first

started life with stills I was at first scared to death then I got angry and I

mean really angry at every thing and one as in why me? what did I do? God hates

me? then later the deep depression hit me hard core. So  I can see were it could

drive some one to think this for real! some meds can make your thought proses so

screwed up that almost any thing or thought could be construed to be real to

that person. this is also why they ask " have you ever had thoughts of harming

your self or others " they do this because these thought are real and never to

be taken lightly because the one time you do it could also be the wrong time so

to be one the side of caution   is always the best.

 

the  rednecks

Marty & G.

the redneck's my space http://www.myspace.com/martyg58

 

 Stills ; An illness I know to well!

To learn about Stills  http://www.stillsdisease.org/stills_info

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 

In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he's a wonder. 

~Author Unknown

 

Re: was talking and what do ya all think

I know, I'm under the age of 25.  But I wanted to ask, when feeling depressed

does anyone wanna kill someone else instead of themselves?  I'm not kidding,

I've never felt the urge to take my own life.  Someone else's on the other

hand.  Okay, maybe I am kidding.  But suicide's never crossed my mind.  And I

just wanted to ask.

: )

[Guest guest]

 I feel the same way you do and it is one area that now 8 years later i still

fight and is the reason I asked . as and others have told me and I have

read it is like morning the lose because you are the lose of your life as you

knew it believed it should be became accustomed to and dreamed it would be then

it is all shattered big time hard . well I can say a lot of what I feel having

stills is like I did when my dad passed away I know I still get sad thinking of

him now 15 years later so may be I am still morning my lose of my life . what do

any of the rest of you think?

 

the  rednecks

Marty & G.

the redneck's my space http://www.myspace.com/martyg58

 

 Stills ; An illness I know to well!

To learn about Stills  http://www.stillsdisease.org/stills_info

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 

In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he's a wonder. 

~Author Unknown

 

-----

[Guest guest]

Marty,

My way of coping is to joke. I've always done that. I can, and have always

been able to, make others smile or laugh when times are rough. I told my Mom to

start singin' Jingle Bells after they hooked me up to a bunch of wires in my

last hospital stay. [ I looked like a Christmas tree] But I do know what tact

is and I'm sorry you think I was literal. I was brushing it off, or trying to

anyways. It's an awkward subject and by me brushing it off, it was supposed to

make it easier to look at. Or something like that. But I'm not daft, and I

didn't mean it like it's being interpreted. I could and would never hurt myself

or someone else. It'd obliterate me and everything I believe in. It's not my

place to decide who lives and who dies, and that includes my own life. As for

the " why me God? " bit, I used to aim that at my brother 'cause he's a year and

two days younger than me, and he's more variables to have Still's than I. I

used to, and still

do a bit, think he was more deserving. But it's not my place to decide that.

So there's a reason God chose me. If I were to hurt myself or someone else then

I'd never get to ask Him why He did choose me. I don't look at my life like

many of the group members do. I just accept it for what it is and keep going.

There's nothing I can do to change it, so why bother. I've got better things to

think about. And because of this I rarely get depressed anymore, and my anger

has subsided. Again, I'm sorry you saw me as being insensitive. I'm not like

that. I didn't mean for it to upset anyone.. I'll explain my meaning from now

on.

: )

I do not

Understand

What it is

I've done wrong

…I am trapped in this body and can't get out

Has the light gone out for you?

Because the light's gone for me - 'Bodysnatchers' Radiohead

[Guest guest]

Marty, having a chronic illness is in a way a loss of your life. We will

never be the people we were before. But for me that has turned into a good

thing. I've had Stills for 17 years and have gone through many severe

flares. I went through the anger and the " Why Me " stage until I asked

myself, " Why not me " . I've come to realize that maybe it's because I'm

strong enough to live with it. I went through severe depression and

thoughts of suicide during the worse times and it took time and

antidepressants to get through it but I'm still here.

I had a great life prior to Stills. But it was a busy life that consisted

of making a lot of money so we could buy new things. We always had new cars,

boats, bigger TV's, all the newest electronic gadgets. Life was about

accumulating things. Now I'm divorced and poor but I'm happier than I was

before. Stills has made me slow down and enjoy life. Friends and family are

important to me now, not objects. And I've realized I can still do most

things, I may be a little slower or have to adapt a little, but I can get it

done.

A big turning point for me was meeting a woman from the Arthritis Foundation

in my home state of Arkansas. She has had JRA since she was very young and

she headed the Joints in Motion program here. She has run over 20 marathons.

She taught me that I can do anything. That year (1999) I trained for and

walked in a marathon in Dublin, Ireland for the Arthritis Foundation. I

raised almost $6000 to help with research and support a JRA summer camp for

kids in Arkansas. I did it in 8 hours, not a speedy finish but I did cross

the finish line. There were teams from all over the US and every team had

members with some type of arthritis. The most inspiring person I saw was a

woman who had had two hip replacements done. She did the marathon on

crutches and finished in 14 hours. There were just as many people at the

finish line cheering for her as there was for the first place runners.

What I have learned over the years is that I am a person who has Stills.

Stills is not who or what I am. I don't waste time or energy on things that

aren't important to me anymore.

Aleeta

Re: Re: was talking and what do ya all think

I feel the same way you do and it is one area that now 8 years later i

still fight and is the reason I asked . as and others have told me

and I have read it is like morning the lose because you are the lose of your

life as you knew it believed it should be became accustomed to and dreamed

it would be then it is all shattered big time hard . well I can say a lot of

what I feel having stills is like I did when my dad passed away I know I

still get sad thinking of him now 15 years later so may be I am still

morning my lose of my life . what do any of the rest of you think?

the rednecks

Marty & G.

the redneck's my space http://www.myspace. <http://www.myspace.com/martyg58>

com/martyg58

[Guest guest]

Holy Cow Marty! I have to run out in a few minutes to get Rubin but

I'll give you a jist from my end.

Yes, I've always found depression but never so bad that I needed to

be medicated. I learned " tools " to handle it, get through it,

resolve it sometimes.

After diagnosis it became really bad. Almost continuely bad for

about 5 years. The thoughts were there from time to time but never

the desire to do anything about it. Again, I had the " tools " it was

just a question of applying them and how to apply them.

I can't tell you I'm positive all the time, obviously I'm not. The

past few months have been rotten as a matter of fact. I'm on a

moment by moment " struggle " between crying jags and anger and

depression.

Gotta go get the kid. Chat with you later (I hope). Let's see if I

have any strength left first.

Take care and be well.

Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone

This is my first posting and I would like to comment on depression

and chronic illness. I found the worst time for me emotionally was

about six months after diagnoses...I suddenly couldn't stop crying

when ever I talked about my illness and then I just cried for no good

reason.

I was mourning my old life. I thought I was handling the illness

really well, family and friends were amazed by my ability to cope

with chronic pain, 3+ fevers a day, that lovely rash, hair that fell

out in clumps, a sore throat that never went away and my body shaking

so badly that I thought I was having a heart attack from the pain.

After all that I still decided I was better off than a lot of

people.I have a great husband and two fantastic young daughters as

well as extended family and friends who really rally round. I am

lucky to be here and I will continue to take what I can get from

life. In order to do so I have to ask for help...all the time and

thats tougher to swallow than a lot of the meds that i am on. Thats

my thoughts on it all, forgive me if this is too long but it's my

first one

Terry (andria, Scotland)

[Guest guest]

welcome Terry. I have gone thru hills and valleys since getting stills 10

years ago. I get grateful for the health I have for a while and then I'll get

depressed about my old life for a while. So, when times are good they are

really really good, and when I am bad I am horrid! Maybe it's cuz of the little

curl right in the middle of my forehead!!!!

Carole in hollywood fl

**************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for

fuel-efficient used cars.

(http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007)

[Guest guest]

 I am sorry if it sound like a crew on you thing . I was ot doing that just what

I see and read from this computer screen . I also have been in voled it three

peoples life's that well lets just say I was that friend to them that i had at

one time . I am luck in that I still have all three in my life some more then

others but it is only because we all have gone on in life. I know the only

reasons I saw it from them was because of what I my self had done. so yes i am a

bit more sensitive then other. yes I tend to joke a lot and man o  man most at

the wrong time then the right time. I will say that of the three on I suspected

but  did not want to believe it and it has started to hurt mentally that i did

not act sooner . that person was my son . any hoot joking is and can be some of

the best meds in the world and knowing that i also know the mood here is a bit

somber of late and this last month just really seam to be a hard on here and In

my memory one

of the hardest one that I can remember so much going on . also Jemie I never

took it as insensitive but as bad timing that sall and that is only from my side

of the computer screen . never stop enjoying life and ever stop joking and

staying poss well it is a big thing I have to work on because i am starting to

go the other way of late

hugs

 

the  rednecks

Marty & G.

the redneck's my space http://www.myspace.com/martyg58

 

 Stills ; An illness I know to well!

To learn about Stills  http://www.stillsdisease.org/stills_info

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 

In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he's a wonder. 

~Author Unknown

[Guest guest]

Hey Marty,,

Just saying howdy,, read your post and I can relate ... yea sometimes walking

around with the " Verbal six guns " and shooting at anything can be fun at the

moment...LOL......crap... hard to erease after hitting send.....LOL....

Alan,,,,,,

[Guest guest]

No worries Marty. Have a good one.

: )

here comes the rain again

falling from the stars

drenched in my pain again

becoming who we are

as my memory rests

but never forgets what I lost - ¡Wake Me Up When September Ends¢ Green Day

[Guest guest]

Hi Carole

It's funny you should mention that little poem as my Mum used it

yesterday to describe my younger sister.

Yes I feel the same way, sometimes I feel really quite up and other

times when I've dwelled on whats gone from my life I feel quite blue, I

had a short stint on Fluoxatine in Dec 2007 but I tailed it off by Feb

2008 as I was worried about being on yet another medication. I was the

type of person who waited half a day to take a painkiller for a sore

head...just to make sure I really needed it, and now look at me!!! over

thirty tablets aday just so I can shuffle about like an elderly lady.

aah well, still got my looks!! Ha Ha

Terry

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/27/2008 5:17:16 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

terrymathers@... writes:

aah well, still got my looks!! Ha Ha

Terry

and Terry, You look Mah-val-ous!!!!

**************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for

fuel-efficient used cars.

(http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007)

[Guest guest]

Hey Marty,

I think from talking to me before you know I deal with these daily too

deppression and sadness. I'm doing better on 40 mg of Prozac a day and I still

once in a blue moon have to take the antianxiety medications. Yeah I

had depression before the Stills but it was due to a lot of my

life situations getting married at a very young age of 16 having a baby by 17

and then finding out my husband was into drugs and was not happy being married

and hanging in there hoping he would come around and love me again just to have

another baby at age 21 with him. The kids were the best thing that happened to

me but I did a lot of dumb things remarried on the rebound on and on. I just

didn't seem to get it right in the relationship department. Im on marriage

number 3 and doing fine. IT was also bad  for a while because my 3rd husband has

bipolar 2 and he has a bit of a drinking problem that had caused us to break up

a few years ago. We are doing ok now he

still has months were he is on a low and can treat me pretty bad. My dad also

died 2 years ago and thats a hard one on me.Now with all that and now

adding Stills it just seems unfair some times but what ever. I hang on for my

kids they are wonderful and they need me I try to tell my self. There real

dad is not there for them and If something was to happen to me that would be

really hard for them. As I do all I can to make them happy.

Yeah I cry , I cried a lot for months. I still do but not as much on my 

Prozac meds but a least once a week I have a break down in the shower when

thinking and talking to God. I strongly believe the meds are harder on us yes

they making it harder to focus and to think straight.

Well thats my veiw on things.

Guess what I  am having a new symptom head aches that are one sided good lord

could life get any better??

Im also waking up each morning ill. It's like I have morning sickness...

its terrible and no I couldn't be PG I have don't have the oven to cook it

in. But its so bad I dry heave and all. What could it be, my new Enbrel doing

this? What are your thoughts?

  Ann Fultz

[Guest guest]

Hello Terry & welcome. Hope you are feeling well. Sounds like you have

a winning attitude! I agree with you about asking for help; I can't do

it. My house just goes to sh** until I have a " good " day and even then

it takes 10 times as long to clean it as it use to. (forget one day!)

But I always think to myself when I am feeling down, there is always

someone worse off than me. One day I will be feeling better, I'm sure!

Remission is just around the corner.....!! Take care, Libby in Sydney :-

)

[Guest guest]

Hi Marty, I never had any depression prior to Stills, other than

occasional pre-menstrual blues. Since Stills, as I have said

previously I have mood swings and some days cry on & off all day at

nothing. What you said is true, if keeping busy, it helps, but yea,

we have lots of down time! But I have been on meds since having

Stills, so I figure that is part of it but I don't know. And I don't

really talk to anyone about it, I always try not to talk about Stills

at all much to anyone other than here cause I figure ppl will get

sick of me & think that is all I am consumed with (which a lot of the

time it is - my health -why wouldn't it be, since my life revolves

around medications and drs appts and has done so for the past 6

months!). All I can say Marty is try and look at all the good in your

life and think that there are ppl out there a lot worse off than

yourself. I think you have to be allowed to have a pity party

occasionally, tho! and sounds wonderful, so make sure you talk

to her or someone when you get real down. (You can always ring me,

but it might cost you a fortune & then depress you further when you

get your phone bill!!) Don't let yourself sink too far into that

black hole, ever. Take care, Libby. :-)

>

> hi all

>   and I were talking last night about depression and stills.

some thing she has noticed in all of us is one take away all meds and

we still have a big set of action in our lives that set us up for

depression .

[Guest guest]

I would say if ya did not have them before embrel and do not that it could be a

link and some thing to bring up with the doc.

 the rest well your one of the people that I think about as in man o man how

they stay so strong look what they have dealt with. so many here on this sight

along with my wife to make me feel like I am a spoiled brat. a dam cry baby .

well okay so you and they do not do that my head dose LOL any hoot I think to

what a friend told me about lemons and life and making lemonade . it is unreal

how two people can look at things and see different things . so after reading

all of them I would have to say my take is for what ever reason it be STILLS

dose cause some big depression and that being it needs to be dealt with up front

not from behind like I fell all my doc have done.

 

the  rednecks

Marty & G.

the redneck's my space http://www.myspace.com/martyg58

 

 Stills ; An illness I know to well!

To learn about Stills  http://www.stillsdisease.org/stills_info

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 

In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he's a wonder. 

~Author Unknown

 

" Taking my gun away because I might shoot someone is like cutting my tongue out

because I might yell `Fire!' in a crowded theater. "

-- Venetoklis

 

a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public

services, such as police protection, to any particular individual citizen...

-- Warren v. District of Columbia, 444 A.2d 1 (D.C. App.181)

[Guest guest]

Hi Libby

How are you feeling? I wanted to comment on the MTX " blues " by saying

my Consultant has told me that my weekly dose (25mg) is the same as a

years worth of alcohol in one go, so is it any wonder we feel awful. I

for one feel like i've been turned inside out and I do describe it to my

husband and family like the worst hangover ever x 100. I take Co-codamol

50/500mg up to 8 a day (we dont have oxycontin here I don't even know

what that is)but I try to wait and see how bad I am before knocking them

back... I wish chocolate and red wine had analgesic qualities!

Best wishes for a pain free day to all

Terry andria, Scotland)

[Guest guest]

Yes I am...well so my kids tell me and I dont even need to bribe or brow

beat them!

[Guest guest]

Yes, Yes, I would trade in my MTX and prednisone for chocolate and wine!

/Maine

>

>

> I wanted to comment on the MTX " blues " by saying

> my Consultant has told me that my weekly dose (25mg) is the same as a

> years worth of alcohol in one go, so is it any wonder we feel awful. I

> for one feel like i've been turned inside out and I do describe it to my

> husband and family like the worst hangover ever x 100. I take Co-codamol

> 50/500mg up to 8 a day (we dont have oxycontin here I don't even know

> what that is)but I try to wait and see how bad I am before knocking them

> back... I wish chocolate and red wine had analgesic qualities!

>

> Best wishes for a pain free day to all

>

> Terry andria, Scotland)

>

>

[Guest guest]

Only if it is NOT Boone's Farm wine (if you want to call that wine)

Diane..42

 Yes, I would trade in my MTX and prednisone for chocolate and wine!

[Guest guest]

Believe it or not I've never had Boone's Farm wine but I've

Brotherhood Wine, is it the same disgusting stuff?

Ellen