this of the start

[Guest guest]

please do not share of this in part or whole to any off list here as

this is of a rough draft and work in progress and had been of working

so hard for days with this neighbor on the edits of this so far;

Prologue

The painful laughter in-between

" Inhaling life; exhaling death. An all consumed strength to

resist our own mortality; as if we have any control. Appointed to

death; none will escape it, yet, we live as if we will. I wonder why

we fight so hard to resist what we have no boundaries over. Life is

not ours to keep and death is not ours alone to embrace, yet it is

measured by our inhaling life and exhaling death. Each new breath

brings one second more of life and each exhaled breath is one second

closer to my own death. And yet, I must learn to embrace the life I

live and the death awaiting me. "

I think I often dwell within my own soul, seeking for God's

truth about this life in-between. The scriptures share we should morn

at a birth and rejoice at death, and little is shared about the in-

between. What do we do about this in-between time of waiting? From

the minute of conception our lives begin the process of dying. Life

is just a long process of " painful laughter in-between " . I look back

through the years and wonder. Where have I been and where am I

going? I tend to exist tightly bound by my own self contained

emotional states. Never finding that place others speak about in life

and yet existing in a place others dare not explore. I ponder all

the painful events in my life. Some are now relished with laughter,

when I allow myself to see the humor in it. But other things are so

painfully bound within, there is hardly any room for life to exist,

instead life is in a forbidden faraway place. I see life and desire

it, but it is always out of reach, existing one breath away. So I

breathe each breath, hoping.

I look back on my memories as a child, a very young child;

which seems just like yesterday, yet the " time in-between " has rushed

by so quickly. And thus far, I can still feel my yesterdays as if

existing in them now. The memories all so solid and sound, tightly

bound within me. Memories, sensory-based not emotional-based, but

still they are my memories and the overall part of my " painful

laughter in-between " .

I spend much time reflecting on the purpose of my life, as we

are all called to life for a purpose. So, when I look back and see

all the chaos in my own life I still wonder " what " in all this mess

is my reason for being? I sometimes get angry looking back. It is

difficult not to confuse or believe the facts of my existence to the

truth of my existence. But, beliefs about my existence and God's

truth might not co-exist in the same platitude, for He knows of my

purpose even if I do not yet know, or understand it. I am learning

He is the creator and the final destination, He is in control and not

I. I have no control over my birth or my death, so I simply dwell in-

between inhaling life and exhaling death, waiting.

I am allowing myself to have a righteous anger towards my God

over the life that was given to me. Angry that my life was consumed

by so much pain and trauma as if I was born unprotected and left to

be a vulnerable sacrifice for humankind. Nevertheless, this is not a

journey to which I alone was born. There are many who are born of

this same destiny in life. Because of this, " painful laughter in-

between " , there also lives within me a heart of compassion, and a

deep sense of understanding in human suffering at levels most may

never reach in their entire life times. My hope is that someday the

compassion and empathy, may crowd out the pain, giving room for my

life to begin the process of living. The very sight of a suffering

child or person simply brings me to my knees in tears for their

suffering is felt as strong as my own. In spite of all this, I

wonder if anyone has felt my own tears hidden from my physical eyes,

but which saturate my soul all the same. I wonder who will reach

into my suffering and pains. Because of my own humanness, I too need

to feel safe, loved and valued, although, for me those desires seem

void. Is it because of my sin, as some would like to say, or is it

because in my " false truth " I am unlovable? Am I a person who just

holds no humanness that others can see? I question over and over in

my own mind my existence. Yet God shows me I exist daily when I

express tears for another soul outside of my own.

I do not have friends in this life, I do not seek them. I

have never had success with that sort of false hope for myself. But

yet, I do connect to the human soul in a profoundly connected way

that has no boundaries, nor locked in any fashion. It is freely

expressed from dimensions I do not understand but I am aware of its

existence within me. This gift is not a mindset, or a learned gift.

It has always been. It is not bound by words, rather expressed from a

strong awareness of the soul's internal sufferings. Some have tried

to confuse this God given gift within me by trying to convince me I

was born with psychic abilities. But, as one person shared, " God and

Satan do not dwell in the same home " . This clarified to me of God's

truth for me. This is how I know I exist, because God's truths exists

and abounds.

God has taught me many profound things in this life and when

I seek Him out he is always there spiritually waiting. Yes, God is

also stuck in that " painful laughter in-between " , because there is

much to be done before Christ comes back, so in the meantime, God is

waiting too. But in this time of waiting I seek Him often to

reflect. I asked God why so many people seem to have it wrong. He

answers softly to my soul. If I listen to others, it creates chaos

within. And in my wonderings to Him, I know if society were to be the

judge they would condemn the wrong person more times than not. But

when we look at people through the eyes of God we can see real truths

if we seek to wait and not rush to our own understanding of things.

If we, for example, were to put a mass murderer alongside a child and

ask, which of these is the one who is in need more or whose life

holds more value, many would say the child. And when I to look at

this through my own eyes I too say of the child, but when I look

through spiritual eyes I see the one who is of need most is the lost

one, the one who is void of any love, compassion, or mercy. For he

is in need of what the child already has, which is God's favor. For

God favors children or he would not say suffer not the children to

come unto me. For he who comes as a little child …..But the sinful

man has not this favor yet so he is the one who is of need of more,

much more.

This book is the first of my writings in which I have worked

hard to use language outside of my comfort zone in trying to express

my own self in perspectives I have not shared to others. This sort of

mindset to present words in such fashion does not come easy and will

be a great challenge to me. But for this I am willing to give it my

all.

Language is such a complex static way of communicating but it

an evil necessity in this life that I have had to spend much of

my " in-between time " learning. Different styles, formats and words

used in this book are not my truest form or means of communicating

naturally. Instead they are more an echo of how neurologically

typical individuals would express or communicate their feelings and

thoughts. On some occasions throughout the book there will be a few

epilogs, in which my own " true to self " language will exist.

This book is not just my life story, but also the whole " waiting "

process since my birth to the present. It is not another book on

autism, but in part. It is not another book on abuse, but in part. It

is not another book on religion or faith, but in part. It is not

another book on mental illness, but in part. It is a book on all

my " painful laughter in-between " .

Sondra copywrite@ august25, 2008

cannot be shared