Self-Compassion: Where Inner Healing Begins

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Source: http://www.newlifestories.com/New_Life_Story_Seeds_003.html

Self-Compassion: Where Inner Healing Begins

Dear Friends,

The third issue of New Life Story Seeds is dedicated to the following

proposition: " Let's don't beat up on ourselves. " Have you noticed

that the climate lately seems to bombard us with direct and subtle

exhortations to " do more, " " be more, " and " work harder, faster,

smarter? " A few weeks ago, while doing some much-needed dejunking, I

came across a framed affirmation that said " I must always be doing

the most productive thing at every moment. " I laughed and threw it

in the trash, then cringed when I remembered how many years of my

life had been given over to that mind-set, either consciously or

unconsciously.

The quotation this week comes from Jung, with some juicy questions

and more thoughts about self-compassion as the foundation and context

for inner healing. There are some suggestions and journal exercises

for practicing self-compassion, and a brief discussion of some

outstandingly helpful resources on the subject. After some

reflection, I've decided to add Amazon links for your convenience.

You can click on a link to see what others have said about a book

and/or to order the book immediately, if you wish. I'll be adding

more books to the on- line bookstore on the website, but if you don't

find what you're looking for, you can always use the search engine at

the Amazon site or at <http://www.newlifestories.com/Bookstore.html>.

Wishing you the joy and freedom of self-compassionate stories,

Enjoy life, do Good Work, don't forget to smell the daisies as you

go, and keep in touch,

Ellen

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In This Issue:

A Thoughtful Quotation

Juicy Questions

Creating the Context

Rewriting the Story: Six Steps You Can Take Now

Apropos of Absolutely Nothing

Books and Resources

Gift Ideas

Self-Compassion Break: Do It For Yourself

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A Thoughtful Quotation

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" Simple things are always the most difficult. In actual life it

requires the greatest art to be simple, and so acceptance of oneself

is the essence of the moral problem and the acid test of one's whole

outlook on life. That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult,

that I love my enemy... all these are undoubtedly great virtues...

But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the

poorest of all beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yea, the

very fiend himself-that these are within me, and that I myself stand

in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy

who must be loved-what then? "

Carl Gustav Jung

Alchemical Studies

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Juicy Questions

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What simple things do you find inordinately difficult? What

difficult things do you find easy? In what ways do you seek

simplicity in your daily life and routines?

Who taught you about compassion? What was the message? Who taught

you about self-compassion? How was that message similar to or

different from the lessons about compassion? Who are your role

models for compassion and self-compassion?

How often do you take actions that comfort, nourish, strengthen, and

relax your body, mind, and spirit? In other words, how well do you

take care of your needs? In what areas would you like to be more

self- caring? Can you nurture yourself without feeling guilty or

self- indulgent? What is the difference between self-compassion and

self- indulgence? Is there such a thing as under-indulgence?

When you're emotionally frazzled or upset, how do you calm and

comfort yourself in healthy and positive ways? How do you reach out

comfortably to others for nurturance when in need? What is on your

list of things you can do to nourish yourself?

When you make mistakes, can you put them in perspective and laugh

about them? What have you already forgiven yourself for? What

remains yet to be pardoned?

To what degree have you been you the victim of impossibly high

standards held up to you by others? In what ways are you

unnecessarily harsh with yourself? What impossibly high standards

have you set for yourself? What have they cost you in the past and

present? How can you give yourself permission to ease up those

standards in the future?

" Do I detect the smell of burning martyr? " asked Cleese in a

Monty Python sketch. What effect have the self-appointed martyrs in

your life had on you? To what extent do you find yourself

replicating their behavior?

In what ways could self-criticism, self-punishment, and self-denial

actually be a form of narcissism? What can we learn from individuals

who are compassionate with everyone but themselves? We're all doing

the best we can. If we had known how to do anything better, we would

have.

That being the case, how can you fault yourself for your best efforts?

Have you ever criticized yourself for " poor judgment? " Have you

forgotten that good judgment comes from experience, and experience

comes from making mistakes? In what ways have your " mistakes " been

essential for your growth and development? In what ways have

your " mistakes " led you to higher levels of functioning or deeper

levels of understanding and compassion? How many of the " mistakes "

you've criticized yourself for could be reframed and reinterpreted

with self- compassion?

Instead of rose-colored glasses or the blue filters of depression,

what if you examined your past experiences and action with the lenses

of self-compassion? What if you rewrote the story of your life from

the perspective of self-compassion?

" Tried and found innocent, " said Alan of his fictional

characters. We tend to find what we look for, so what happens when

you search yourself for evidence of innocence? If it is true that

all behavior has a positive intent, what happens when you revisit

your past actions to get back in touch with those positive

intentions? Can you forgive yourself for not being consistently self-

compassionate?

What would your life be like if you lived with fearless self-

compassion?

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Creating the Context

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Psychiatrist Theodore Isaac Rubin writes of a time when he

experienced personal failure, hurt pride, and depression. He became

aware that he was beating himself unmercifully, and that the source

of his distress came from a false, perfectionistic image of himself.

He goes on to describe the torments of that period of his

life. " Despite myself, " he writes, " I had no mercy for that somewhat

confused child I had been and still obviously harbored within myself,

and I had even less compassion for the young man I had become. " He

describes how the compassion of his wife and his analyst were finally

able to break through to him and obtain victory over his self-

loathing. " I decided-not with my head, but with my entire being, all

my feelings-that I would 'leave it all be,' that I would simply let

go, relax, stop berating myself, stop attempting to be in charge, to

put it together-simply to let it go-to let be what would be. "

Although he didn't realize it at the time, that decision formed the

beginnings of a compassionate way of life as he began to accept all

the parts of his life, even the problems, limitations, and failures.

In his book, " Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair " ,

Rubin enumerates the cost of both direct and indirect forms of self-

hatred: depression, drug abuse, suicide, perfectionism, illusions,

impossible standards, boredom, self-criticism, stress and tension,

lack of spontaneity, despair. " Despair is directly proportional to

energy and substance used in the service of self-hate. Emotional well-

being and relative freedom from destructive inner turmoil are

directly proportional to energy and substance used in the service of

compassion, " concludes Dr. Rubin.

It is a truism to say that we can't love others or treat them any

better than we take care of ourselves. So much unkindness directed

toward others is merely self-hatred projected outward. Self-

compassion is the basis for acceptance and inner healing. It is easy

to say that we need to live our lives in a self-compassionate way,

but how is that to be done?

We may like to think that the solutions to our problems can be solved

by direct action, but most of the work of rewriting our lives may

need to be done " beneath the surface. " We must work with context,

with the relationship with ourselves before we can hope for

significant results in our efforts to change anything in the outer

world. Direct action may not always be what we need, and we must

face the fact that many of our difficulties in life may simply be a

reflection of a troubled relationship with ourselves.

Ultimately, practicing self-compassion requires that we face, accept,

acknowledge, respect, honor, and integrate those dark places within

ourselves, the flaws and shortcomings, the parts of ourselves we

choose to hide, ignore, deny, resist. " The disowned wolves of our

dark inner forests are baying for recognition, " wrote Gay Hendricks

in " Learning to Love Yourself " . " Bow to them and watch their ferocity

dissolve. " We must surrender to our deepest longings, descend to the

darkest, most discomfiting places within, and allow ourselves to be

utterly lost and confused. " You do not do the work of changing, " says

poet Whyte. " You feed and nourish your longing in whatever way

you can and then the longing does the work. " This is working beneath

the surface, working with the deepest parts of ourselves.

Of course, " experts " in the art of non-compassion for the self can

take things to a new level with recriminations over the lack of self-

compassion. So, don't forget it's all right not to be totally self-

compassionate. This is a process, and we're all " getting there " at

our own speed.

And this is a process that births and restores our creative fires.

In the process of " owning " all parts of ourselves-the beautiful and

the ugly, the wanted and the unwanted, the acknowledged and the

shameful, the light and the dark-we bring all parts of ourselves

together, we integrate, we become whole, we become self-

compassionate. When we " kiss the inner frog, " we ourselves become

what we thought we were seeking " out there. "

It is as if our wholeness is " stalking " us, calling to us, whispering

to us to stop resisting its summons. " The Hound of Heaven " pursues us

and nothing satisfies our soul until we allow all the scattered

pieces of ourselves to reunite. When we are young, we please our

senses and our greed and our outer needs, but what lasts for us is

what pleases our souls. For many of us, what pleases our souls is

creative work- writing, painting, planting, teaching, healing-and the

friends of our soul are not necessarily the ones we would have chosen

in early adulthood. To become whole, we must first descend into the

fear and pain and uncertainty in order to become who we truly are.

Let us give ourselves credit for doing difficult and important work.

We've been working hard, haven't we? As poet e.e. cummings

wrote: " to be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its

best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the

hardest battle any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. "

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Rewriting the Story: Six Steps You Can Take Now

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1. Think of a small incident in which you still have lingering

negative judgments about yourself (such as, " I acted stupidly, " " I

shouldn't have done that, " " I cringe when I remember... " ). Briefly

tell the " story " you tell yourself (and others) about the incident.

Underline or circle the negative judgments and self-criticisms.

Visualize the incident and re-experience some of the feelings you had

at the time or later. Awareness is the first key to this work.

2. Ask yourself if you are willing to accept alternative stories and

fresh interpretations of old material. Write a few of those

different stories, including one that is as objective as you can make

it ( " Just the facts, ma'am " ), and some that are wild and silly.

3. Examine the evidence, flush it all out into the open (preferably

on paper), list the negative judgments, " talk back " to

that " committee " in

your mind, and (if necessary) get a quick reality check from someone

you respect. Remember that you are much more than your stories.

4. Rewrite the story as you intended it to happen. Search for your

own innocence and positive intentions in the matter. (Even if you

lashed out at someone, isn't it possible that your intention was to

discharge painful emotions in order to feel better?) What did you

wish had happened? If you had it to do all over again, how would you

have acted? What would you have said or done afterward? What amends

would you have made to others and/or to yourself? What amends can

you make now, either actually or symbolically?

5. Write the compassionate story, reframing and reinterpreting

those negative judgments you made about yourself. Recall your

essential innocence. Trace the behavior back to its sources.

Instead of " I acted stupidly, " try " I was young, inexperienced,

overwhelmed, misinformed, terrified, etc. If you have difficulty

writing a compassionate story, try visualizing your actions from the

viewpoint of one or more wisdom figures--perhaps a wise and loving

spiritual being (if you're oriented in that direction) that sees the

beauty and goodness in your heart and has the power to explain and

forgive your behavior. Don't forget to build new, positive

possibilities into the new story, and leave some doors open for

yourself. Forgive the frightened child you once were. Let go of the

shame and self- belittling talk. Remember that self-forgiveness is

not about being irresponsible. Paradoxically, once you accept your

innocence and release self-blame, you will be able to take more

responsibility for yourself in a reasonable way. You may also want

to ask for help with this stage of the work with a professional you

trust and respect.

6. You might want to end with a small, private ritual in which you

let go of the incident. How will you now use this information to

increase your empathy and compassion for yourself and for others in

similar circumstances? If someone came to you with these same

feelings and negative self-judgments, how would you react out of your

fund of wisdom, experience, and compassion? With compassion for

yourself, you are now free to act compassionately with others.

Source: http://www.newlifestories.com/New_Life_Story_Seeds_003.html