venting

[Guest guest]

Debi I to tried of that as far as to call of hospitals and such and

then most begin of hte crisis questions of you need to come in are

you keeping of self safe and things of that I to be of just need of

mental health to do medications and cant find one. the medical doctor

of me has been of doing this but she tells me she is not of

comfortable doing this because it is of not her areas of expertise

and the ones she has referred of me too do not take of my insurance

and or not taking new. so it leaves me again with no supports to this

areas of life and left to be vulnerable to emotional crashes. I to

really need of help and not have of a clue how to get it for self.

this is of why I to be of thinking to leave of my country and just go

away forever and live like a hermit by self in some strange land and

not be of known for anythings but being of a loner person. I to want

of a land where they are of a neurtal sort of land and do not busy

themselves with world powers and or wars, like canada, new zealand

and or austraila. they seem of a good place to be for me to be of

have of my own life away from the peoples in the life of me and the

world of me as I to know of it. I to know of a good friend like

person from new zealand who is of also mom to a spectrum daughter who

would be of help of me find safe, to get of me started of there and

then to want of to be of not have anymore connections to people.

I to feel so crazy in the head sometimes but it is of because so much

expect so much out of me and i to simply cant give of it. I to try

hard to use of my words and advocate for self and find not being of

heared of what i to feel is of best for me in this life. It is of not

that I to not love of feel I to love and feel too much and yet as the

same not enough in ways others expect it to be from me.

I to be of just feeling so much anger and frustrations and try so

hard to be of not rude and do right and still find self just not able

to do this life by self. For too long have been in a survival mode

and so not know how to find a care to me that is of right to me mode.

not mean of to be of wrong for sharing so much here but sometimes

this is of my only outlet that is of safe for me. I to really do not

even know what triggers these times in me to be of such ways and

thinking and words and it scares me of self and it makes of me angry

to self and inside want of to rage to the birth family for their lack

of direct care to me all of this life.

today after therapy I to escalated inside and felt so much

frustrations i to went to the wait room because group was of next but

my brain seen of a new sort of person and my brain was of impulsively

reacting and wanted of to hit of her if she was of new to the group

and this is of not a normal things to me. I to not liked of her being

in the wait room because it was of not the way it was suppose to be

and so this caused of me to escalate and need to escape so I to left

of the office and not comed back. the rest of this day is of

escalating up and down off and on. I to also be of so tired and so

finally took of the son who camed over to me again and this time did

not refuse of to go to the emergency room so I to took of him and was

in such moods. again wanted to hit the intake person but did not but

did begin of loud words with her over somethings. but then the doctor

shared Isaiah did be to break some bones and will need of to see a

surgeon person now to repair of the hand because of where he breaked

of it at. Hims hand is of black and blue and much swollen and hurts

of him greatly. He fell by tripping over one of hims buddies dogs and

fell onto hims hand and got of a punch break. and some other fracture

things. So even when in my own sort of crisis not allowed to escape

and be of alone as needs and such as this keep of coming and building

up over and over. during this day too my Aimee, her husband and the

husband of me were of home and did of nothing to help or clean and

leaved of me with all the messes which causes of me to go into

overload. I to not be of the success that most think of me I to be of

a complete mess and failure to this life in more ways than most

understand of me.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Oh, Sondra, you sound so tired and burned out, worn out, overwhelmed--my

prayer tonight is for you is that you find some peace and rest, enough

to keep you going until you get past this season of busy-ness and this

time of lack of support.

I found a plaque in a catalog that says exactly what I've started

telling people who try to give me more stuff to do (and when you click

on the link I hope it gives you a smile):

http://www.colorfulimages.com/21518.html

<http://www.colorfulimages.com/21518.html>

Penny

>

> not mean of to be of wrong for sharing so much here but sometimes

> this is of my only outlet that is of safe for me. I to really do not

> even know what triggers these times in me to be of such ways and

> thinking and words and it scares me of self and it makes of me angry

> to self and inside want of to rage to the birth family for their lack

> of direct care to me all of this life.

>

> sondra

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Sondra

I have not posted here before, but am eagerly following everything that

goes on in this forum, and learning all the time. I am a mother of a

7-year old daughter diagnosed with classic autism and ADHD. We live in

Denmark, where we pay a lot of taxes, but when we are in situations

where we need special services then we can get it free of charge. So my

daughter gets excellent 1-1 full day education and care, free of charge

transportation, medication, a 'relieve'-family once a week to take care

of her etc etc. We are indeed very privileged compared to all of you in

US and most other countries.

Sondra, you always speak to my heart, you open my mind and create a

pathway of understanding between me and my daughter. Moreover, again and

again you remind me of the fact that you and I, and my daughter, share a

lot of common feelings and emotions, and it helps me immensely in

understanding her as well as myself. Thank you so very much!

It breaks my heart what you are saying in this e-mail. I have had all

the same feelings that you describe and can really relate to every

situation you describe, even though I am not diagnosed with autism

myself. I am thinking that perhaps many, many sensitive people, with or

without an autism diagnosis, feel these things, and have the same urge

to escape and be alone to 'nurse' ourselves. Some of us can control that

urge and for others it is very difficult, or even impossible. Sometimes

we need help, I myself had great help during a crisis similar to yours

now from a personal life coach (free of charge because she needed the

practice to become certified as a coach), and I feel so bad to hear that

you reach out but there seems to be nobody there to take your hand and

offer help.

I hope that we will all find somewhere the energy and calmness to

consider our situation carefully and not 'escape' from our homes,

husbands, children, friends & family basically because we are so fed up

and stressed from all the demands that are put upon us that escape seems

like the ONLY option. That being said, of course the result can be the

same even after careful consideration.

My thoughts are with you, Sondra, in this so very difficult situation. I

must tell you that your postings here are a very valuable part of my

life, and thereby the life of my family, and I thank you again so much

for sharing your thoughts in this forum. Still, if you desire to go far

away and live your life alone, then I certainly respect your choice and

just thank you for all you have done for me already.

Respectfully

Hanne

________________________________

From: Autism_in_Girls

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls ] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: 21. oktober 2008 03:04

To: Autism_in_Girls

Subject: venting

Debi I to tried of that as far as to call of hospitals and such and

then most begin of hte crisis questions of you need to come in are

you keeping of self safe and things of that I to be of just need of

mental health to do medications and cant find one. the medical doctor

of me has been of doing this but she tells me she is not of

comfortable doing this because it is of not her areas of expertise

and the ones she has referred of me too do not take of my insurance

and or not taking new. so it leaves me again with no supports to this

areas of life and left to be vulnerable to emotional crashes. I to

really need of help and not have of a clue how to get it for self.

this is of why I to be of thinking to leave of my country and just go

away forever and live like a hermit by self in some strange land and

not be of known for anythings but being of a loner person. I to want

of a land where they are of a neurtal sort of land and do not busy

themselves with world powers and or wars, like canada, new zealand

and or austraila. they seem of a good place to be for me to be of

have of my own life away from the peoples in the life of me and the

world of me as I to know of it. I to know of a good friend like

person from new zealand who is of also mom to a spectrum daughter who

would be of help of me find safe, to get of me started of there and

then to want of to be of not have anymore connections to people.

I to feel so crazy in the head sometimes but it is of because so much

expect so much out of me and i to simply cant give of it. I to try

hard to use of my words and advocate for self and find not being of

heared of what i to feel is of best for me in this life. It is of not

that I to not love of feel I to love and feel too much and yet as the

same not enough in ways others expect it to be from me.

I to be of just feeling so much anger and frustrations and try so

hard to be of not rude and do right and still find self just not able

to do this life by self. For too long have been in a survival mode

and so not know how to find a care to me that is of right to me mode.

not mean of to be of wrong for sharing so much here but sometimes

this is of my only outlet that is of safe for me. I to really do not

even know what triggers these times in me to be of such ways and

thinking and words and it scares me of self and it makes of me angry

to self and inside want of to rage to the birth family for their lack

of direct care to me all of this life.

today after therapy I to escalated inside and felt so much

frustrations i to went to the wait room because group was of next but

my brain seen of a new sort of person and my brain was of impulsively

reacting and wanted of to hit of her if she was of new to the group

and this is of not a normal things to me. I to not liked of her being

in the wait room because it was of not the way it was suppose to be

and so this caused of me to escalate and need to escape so I to left

of the office and not comed back. the rest of this day is of

escalating up and down off and on. I to also be of so tired and so

finally took of the son who camed over to me again and this time did

not refuse of to go to the emergency room so I to took of him and was

in such moods. again wanted to hit the intake person but did not but

did begin of loud words with her over somethings. but then the doctor

shared Isaiah did be to break some bones and will need of to see a

surgeon person now to repair of the hand because of where he breaked

of it at. Hims hand is of black and blue and much swollen and hurts

of him greatly. He fell by tripping over one of hims buddies dogs and

fell onto hims hand and got of a punch break. and some other fracture

things. So even when in my own sort of crisis not allowed to escape

and be of alone as needs and such as this keep of coming and building

up over and over. during this day too my Aimee, her husband and the

husband of me were of home and did of nothing to help or clean and

leaved of me with all the messes which causes of me to go into

overload. I to not be of the success that most think of me I to be of

a complete mess and failure to this life in more ways than most

understand of me.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Hanne thanks for you post. did you be to know I to have an aunt who

lives in texas USA now who is of with the same name and comes from a

place close to holland? not sure but she does post of me off and on

and is of the only family member of the mothers side who was of

married in to the family and she is of good for me because of all of

my birth family she validates of my being. she struggles to post in

words because she is of dyslexic but she shared even back when i to

be of little and a teen she was of a voice for me and shared of her

thinking so strongly over me. she was of outraged of the way in which

the parents (mother and step father did of me as well as the

protection they gave their sex pediphile father) she was so angry to

them all of these years and she was of outcasted some for speaking

out. Just to be of knowing of this validates of my existance.

All of this life I to been of on my own so to speak and it has

teached me how to survive but with odd problem solving fashions and

odd ways of doing things but had to figure of it out for self. I to

get of angry to this much so because when I to need of a family

person to go to for safe and care there is of none.

the only thing I to find can be of good at is in typing words and

getting out what is inside of me. the birth family is of not ever to

understand of my thinking and often say :Why do you think that way " I

to think in humanitary ways and lack of strong judgement views and

often go to balanced fair from my perspective views and others do not

understand this in me and makes me feel as if I to be of much ill or

worng for my thinking. here I to find it of safe and most do not say

to Sondra you are of wrong or bad or evil. well outside of one online

bully that use to target of me until I to finally got of brave and

confronted of her on that and now she has been to leave of me alone

for a long time.

But yes it is from my lack of support for my over all care. I to

speak and speak out over and over and no one seems to hear of what I

to want for self in this life and most ignore of it. I to really want

of to go to a good safe home for autistics to live and be of

supported in my daily life. I to be fo one who would love to live the

rest of my life at bittersweets farm. Because I to love of the

country, I to love of animals and i to want an equal peer group to

connect too. I to still want of to do my lists and work but not be

forced to conect if not able to. I to not care if I to live in a big

place or small place as long as the support is of respectful and

provides me happy and safe for self outcomes.

I to never been of given options all of life , things were of just

forced on me or manipulated to me to agree to things but for me

lacked the comprehension of those things long term such as marriage.

I to never had of a voice supporting me or directing or teaching me.

so I to escaped of the institutions and went straight to marriage

things to being of mom and no one teached of me that aspect either.

while I to love of those childrens in my heart still I to feel as if

been of prisoned much of life and want of to be of free to be of self

to be of safe and to learn to be of me and to play and be safe to be

of me. I to funciton so mechanical in this life and lack how to be of

a real person because never felt alive and or that I to really

existed and so feel lost to my own sense of being. Most in this life

have been to make me feel as if my own being is of so very evil and

bad and wrong weird or what ever other words one might say of me.

Those thinking and views do hurt of me greatly inside but still cant

feel as if I to have any power within me to show of them my real

heart ways and thinking. most do not take of hte time time to learn

of that , they simply see me as being someone to fear from frist

impressions because I to be fo just odd and crazy as some of the

neighborhood kids call of me a few years back referring to me as the

crazy lady. All of life I to been of told this and it is of hard to

not believe of it when you feel ot this within you.

I to just want of to be free, free to be of me and happy that in my

life this is of one place where can be of that even if it is of in

words alone. Here is of the one place that I to be of feel real and

wanted of to say you and otehrs words bring tears to my eyes this day

because you connected back with care and understand of me not being

of crazy and you did not judge of me but let of me know I to exist

and have of some sort of value in this life to you.

sondra

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/20/2008 9:04:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hfa2@... writes:

I to be of thinking to leave of my country and just go

away forever and live like a hermit by self in some strange land and

not be of known for anythings but being of a loner person. I to want

of a land where they are of a neurtal sort of land and do not busy

themselves with world powers and or wars, like canada, new zealand

and or austraila

you should live in Michigan upper peninsula very quiet area. few people.

lots of nature. we go there once a year for our vaction.

eric gutter boy

**************Play online games for FREE at Games.com! All of your favorites,

no registration required and great graphics – check it out!

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1211202682x1200689022/aol?redir=

http://www.games.com?ncid=emlcntusgame00000001)

[Guest guest]

>

>

> I to feel so crazy in the head sometimes but it is of because so much

> expect so much out of me and i to simply cant give of it. I to try

> hard to use of my words and advocate for self and find not being of

> heared of what i to feel is of best for me in this life. It is of not

> that I to not love of feel I to love and feel too much and yet as the

> same not enough in ways others expect it to be from me. I always think of

> you & how hard it must be for you dealing with life. You need someone to

> advocate for you to relieve you of dealing with autism, plus you have your

> children on the spectrum to advocate for. I hear you that even though

> people think you're doing well, how successful you are etc, all those

> compliments are nice & appreciated, it still doesn't fix how tired you are

> having to fight all the time & you don't get a chance to breathe & be

> yourself, you're always forced to continue. Even at a lesser degree, I feel

> the same.

>

>

>

> not mean of to be of wrong for sharing so much here but sometimes

> this is of my only outlet that is of safe for me. I to really do not

> even know what triggers these times in me to be of such ways and

> thinking and words and it scares me of self and it makes of me angry

> to self and inside want of to rage to the birth family for their lack

> of direct care to me all of this life. Sondra, this is THE place to

> share. People on this group are so nice & understanding & accepting. It

> seems like many have had hardships, harder than mine, even though that

> sometimes isn't enough. I have crashed today for no known reason, just this

> afternoon started bawling & feel so tired & sad & overwhelmed, the trigger

> being having to deal with credit card stuff. Amazing how a " little " thing

> can be so overwhelming, then feeling incompetent b/c it shouldn't be

> overwhelming, didn't used to be overwhelming, but it is now & that just

> makes me feel incompetent.

>

> . So even when in my own sort of crisis not allowed to escape

> and be of alone as needs and such as this keep of coming and building

> up over and over. during this day too my Aimee, her husband and the

> husband of me were of home and did of nothing to help or clean and

> leaved of me with all the messes which causes of me to go into

> overload. I to not be of the success that most think of me I to be of

> a complete mess and failure to this life in more ways than most

> understand of me. So, how come you have the sense of responsibility &

> they don't. You must be so tired of having to ask, why can't they see it

> needs to be done & do it without you always having to ask them to do it &

> making you the " bad guy " for asking them to pitch in. You write so well

> about what's going on within, I envy that, your talent in being able to do

> that. I wish I knew what was wrong with me right now. If I could express

> it, it might make me feel better. Is your husband understanding enough that

> if you wrote all this to him he would rise to the occasion & help out more?

> It's hard to keep going when you have been working so hard & now you're

> tired....for now. It's hard to keep going when your feel so tired....is

> there no one who will advocate for you to help you find a psychiatrist for

> you? Please just write here.....you write so well & if it helps to relieve

> the pressure even a little, there are so many people here for you.

> Sometimes moms go " on strike " just quit doing everything that you normally

> do for them to give them a message that you've had it with the lack of

> cooperation around the house & tell them you are on strike. Then take care

> of yourself & only yourself, if that's possible, outside or feal emergencies

> like your son breaking his hand. You are one brave soul, Sondra. Hang in

> there & talk to us, OK.

I am so sorry you have to work so hard. I truly wish there was some ONE who

would really take care of you too, so you can help take care of your family

too. It's the hardships for people on the spectrum that I would like to

ease, not to change who they are.

Would talking to others on the spectrum help; to find out, talk to as in

support of how they cope? How about other moms on the spectrum cope?

Take care, Sondra. Marie A.

sondra

------------------------------------

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Marie A.

[Guest guest]

Very very beautiful, just be careful of the bears.

Sandi (whose maternal line came from Michigan, and who's uncle once got

" treed " during a hunting trip)

In a message dated 10/22/2008 5:54:23 P.M. Central Daylight Time,

abbysdad42@... writes:

you should live in Michigan upper peninsula very quiet area. few people.

lots of nature. we go there once a year for our vaction.

eric gutter boy

**************Play online games for FREE at Games.com! All of your favorites,

no registration required and great graphics – check it out!

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1211202682x1200689022/aol?redir=

http://www.games.com?ncid=emlcntusgame00000001)