self narrating zoo exhibit Re: Semi-OT grump about McCarthy

[Guest guest]

>

>

> No, I don't want you to be a " self-narrating zoo exhibit " and talk

> about details and not the big picture.

>

> I want to know what was meaningful and why--I'm talking " meaning "

> and not the minute details of Q and A. I'm describing the framwork

> from which you think--are we on the same framework, or completely

> different frameworks? The meaning, the " why bother " (and the " why

> to NOT bother " as well) helps me put the negatives and positives,

> the pros and cons of the wide range of choices in supports,

> intervention, remediation, education into a MEANINGFUL CONTEXT as I

> help my daughter to NOT STAGNATE (the term used by one of the

> bloggers you pointed out to me).

>

All right, I guess I'll post my story. I can't say everything that's

important all at once, but I'll give you the gyst of it, focusing on

the things I think shaped my approach to autism.

My mother has two degrees each in law & history, and is feminist,

anti-racist, etc. My parents are both Christian, but very tolerant of

other religions, and interpret Christianity more in the framework of

Jesus's acceptance of other people than the 'damned to hell if you

don't believe' sort of thing. My father is, we suspect, autistic (in

some ways more so than me, in other ways less so), he's got degrees

in math, computer science and education. Both of them came from

abusive homes, and ended up getting sort of disowned because they

challenged the abuse. So, I've described my parents and what they

brought into raising me (although they challenged the abuse when I

was a baby, rather than before they had me).

As a baby, I was extremely curious, happy, sociable, with a long

attention span - in general, I fit the prototype of how a gifted

child acts in infancy. I also slept through the night from very early

on, I'm not sure if that was good self-soothing, decreased sense of

hunger (a trait I know I have) or what. I had normal to advanced

milestones.

When I was 10 months old, my father found out his brother was

sexually abusing his children (my cousins) while the two oldest

children, 11 and 14 years old, were visiting with us. He told the

authorities (this is why his family rejected him, as his

brother 'could do no wrong'). They were told not to take the older

two back home after the vacation, and instead look after them, and

the younger two kids were placed with my aunt.

These two kids were seriously emotionally disturbed. The older one, a

girl, had multiple personality disorder and probably a bunch of other

things. She was manipulative, vindictive towards any women and

flirtacious towards any men. The younger one, a boy, had rages, felt

entitled to do whatever he wanted as repayment for all his suffering,

stole, lied, etc. So they were very difficult to care for.

Around this time, I had a sort of 'semi-regression' in which I got

really quiet and withdrawn. I also regressed in 'pre-walking' skills,

but then gained them back. My best guess is that my regression was

due to stress. I'm not sure if how I acted under stress was because

of being autistic, or if NT babies in that situation would act the

same way. But anyway, I got more serious and introverted around that

time.

For the next few years, my parents had their hands full with my

cousins. My mother recovered memories of sexual abuse from her around

this time. Contrary to stereotypes, she did not get therapy to

recover her memories, in fact she was getting no therapy except

family counseling with my cousins, and we have no doubt that these

memories are true. She also developed asthma at this time, which we

think is due to stress.

The older girl ran away from home several times, coming back in

exchange for various promises of special privileges. When I was 3

years old, my parents got fed up during one of these negotiations and

told her it sounded like she didn't really want to come back, so she

didn't. She was 16 at the time.

My parents were worried the younger boy might hurt me, to the degree

where they tried to never leave me alone with him and even installed

an alarm on my door that they armed every night. But he knew how to

circumvent it, once he pulled me out of my room, roughed me up and

threatened me, then left me crying in the living room and told my

parents I'd come out crying from a nightmare or something.

When I was 5 years old and in Kindergarten, a classmate of his

pressed charges of sexual assault against him, and my parents decided

the danger he posed to me was too great, so he was sent to another

foster home. A year later, he confessed to having sexually abused me,

and when the police interviewed me about it, I told them that both of

my cousins had sexually abused me.

Oh, I've forgotten to talk about what I was like. I had an advanced

vocabulary and intense interests, everyone figured I was gifted. I

told a priest that my toy monkey had a prehensile tail when I was 5

years old. I was great at impressing adults, and could play

relatively well one-on-one with other kids (although it had to be

about my interests).

I was showing behavior problems in grade 1, mainly meltdowns and

hiding under tables. I also pretended to be an animal a lot, because

I figured animals were happier. I had a great Kindergarten teacher,

but my grade 1 teacher was really strict. My mother explained to her,

when they found out, that I'd been sexually abused, and the teacher

got really upset about that and became much meaner to me after that.

Anything I did that was different from other kids or they could

pretend was different from other kids was punished and vilified.

I had a tendency before that to resist being told what to do, but it

wasn't that pronounced. However, in that school I was constantly

refusing to obey them, trying to avoid their commands, etc. I felt

afraid that I would loose myself if I obeyed them - I literally felt

that I would loose myself if I tried to conform. The few times that I

actually gave in (as opposed to being sent home having not given in,

or found some loophole where I could placate them without giving in)

I found it extremely unpleasant and hated myself for it.

I was bullied by the other kids, but I had a couple of friends who

didn't mind that I had unusual interests. In fact, my best friend in

that school developed a strong interest in the Animorphs book series,

probably because I was obsessed with it. We played with twist tye

people and role-played as Animorph characters, etc. I also acted out

rescue of severely abused animals, directing my friends to pretend to

be the abused animals and I would rescue them and nurse them back to

health.

The school figured I had ADD, and wanted me on Ritalin. That was not

a good idea medically, as I had an anxiety disorder (PTSD) and did

not meet criteria for ADD because of my long attention span, but they

wouldn't let it go. I'm glad, actually, that I didn't have ADHD,

because if I did I'd have found it so hard to accept myself because

of how they talked about it. I have found that there is overlap

between ADHD and autism and that has been very hard for me to accept

because my teachers vilified ADHD so much. My parents kept insisting

I was just a gifted, traumatized child, who needed caring and respect

instead of attempts to control me and make me conform. They never

wished for me to be like the other kids or worried that anything was

wrong with me - even the PTSD was not something wrong with me, but my

way of coping with the intolerable.

We went along like that, with constant fights with the school, until

my parents pulled me from school halfway through grade 4. And we have

to go now, so I'll continue later.

Ettina