Re: Kathy T in FL

[Guest guest]

Unfotunately I can also relate to childhood abuse. It is a club that I would

rather not belong to, but it has given me the strength of character and

morals that I live by today. I never want my son to experience any of what I

grew up with. I am breaking the chain in this family. My sisters deal with

it in their own way. My younger sister doesn't acknowledge most of what

happened and my older sister is just plain mean.

My father was a drinker when I was growing up. He was a mean drunk. He

would come home every morning and beat me, my mom and sisters for some reason

that I still don't understand. Everyone in the family knew, but was afraid

to do anything. The physical abuse wasn't the worst part, sad to say. The

bruises and fat lips and bloody noses and black eyes all healed. The worst

part was the emotional and sexual abuse. The horrible things that he said

still remain with me today. I know that there are still many things that I

have not remembered because, even today, I can see or smell something and get

this strange flashback sensation. But it is gone in a flash. I get this

horrible sensation in my mouth and just cannot find the cause of it. Its

like not being able to remember something and its right on the tip of your

tongue and then its gone. Oh well, I have plenty of those kind of memories

to keep me busy anyway. I don't need anymore right now or ever.

Funny to say that my dad and I are somewhat close now. He doesn't drink

quite as much and isn't mean when he does. I don't know what changed or

when. I know that I love my dad and don't want to live without him as part

of my life or Wyatt's life. I know that he is a different person now and

that's all I need to know. I believe that he would never hurt Wyatt or me

again. He knows that I won't put up with it and that I am no longer that

little girl who is terrified of him. Don't get me wrong, I still get the

shakes when he raises his voice, but its different now. I have the choice of

staying or getting in my car and leaving. I can also stand up for myself

now. I know the choices that I have.

I refuse to dwell on the past. I have come to realize that the abuse

happened because of my dad's illness and not because I am a bad person. The

lasting effects are still there, of course. I have trouble trusting men and

have a problem with any type of conflict or confrontation, but I recognize

these problems and live with them. I try to leave the past in the past and

live for today. It is easier that way, not to try to analize all of the

garbage that I cannot do anything about anyway. Sorry about rambling on like

this. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Love and Hugs

Stacey in PA