Spouse w/RA

August 8, 2002

I do NOT have RA (or any other autoimmune disease). My husband is the

the " culprit " ! I am looking for a little help in ways that I can get

him to accept this and take some more serious steps towards taking

care of himself. He has known for almost 4 years (2 months after our

youngest was born) and has basically moped about it the whole time.

He has finally admitted that he has not accepted it yet! I apologize

for sounding angry and uncaring. Being the spouse of someone w/RA is

almost as hard as having it when that person doesn't do anything

about it. We have two young girls (6 & 3) together. He does help me

with them when he is feeling good. I am just VERY worn out and very

frustrated at the situation. He has FINALLY within the last month

taken the fact that he needs to be on his medication on a regular

basis seriously. He is one of the fortunate ones that is on Enbrel

and he also takes Vioxx. We don't have any support groups locally

that focuses on RA or for our age group. All of the support groups

take place in the Senior Citizen Complexes and he refuses to go. Our

Dr. has tried also to get him to try several different things and he

puts off even making his appts. I have read alot of articles and

recently read " Rheumatoid Athritis - Plan To Win " by Cheryl Koehn

(Wonderful, Informative and Inspiring) but he refused to look at it.

What can I do? Any suggestions? Do I just sit back and wear myself

out taking care him, 2 young kids and a household and wait for him to

come around?

August 8, 2002

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am a 39 year old male with

Still's Disease and RA, and coincidentally, have two boys aged 3 and

9.

The only thing I can say is that everyone deals with the disease

differently and some never cope with it. I know this isn't reassuring

but he is the one that needs to take that first step. Yes, it is a

horrible disease and yes, it forces one to adjust the way they live,

but it is not a death sentence. Many of us are able to live good

lives with medicine, and knowledge of the disease is a must.

From a male perspective, it's difficult. It primarily affects women,

like most autoimmune diseases, and sometimes there are no outward

physical signs. If I had a dime for everyone who said " you look

good " ...

Most men seem to take it especially hard and can be extremely bitter

about it. I think we are conditioned in a way not to discuss our

problems. What one learns, however, is that talking about it is very

important and helps greatly.

If he would like to contact me, please have him do so. If there is

anything I can do for you, please let me know. Having a spouse, I

understand all too well the stress and pressure it puts on the one

who doesn't have it.

All my best,

Al in IL

> I do NOT have RA (or any other autoimmune disease). My husband is

the

> the " culprit " ! I am looking for a little help in ways that I can

get

> him to accept this and take some more serious steps towards taking

> care of himself. He has known for almost 4 years (2 months after

our

> youngest was born) and has basically moped about it the whole time.

> He has finally admitted that he has not accepted it yet! I

apologize

> for sounding angry and uncaring. Being the spouse of someone w/RA

is

> almost as hard as having it when that person doesn't do anything

> about it. We have two young girls (6 & 3) together. He does help me

> with them when he is feeling good. I am just VERY worn out and very

> frustrated at the situation. He has FINALLY within the last month

> taken the fact that he needs to be on his medication on a regular

> basis seriously. He is one of the fortunate ones that is on Enbrel

> and he also takes Vioxx. We don't have any support groups locally

> that focuses on RA or for our age group. All of the support groups

> take place in the Senior Citizen Complexes and he refuses to go.

Our

> Dr. has tried also to get him to try several different things and

he

> puts off even making his appts. I have read alot of articles and

> recently read " Rheumatoid Athritis - Plan To Win " by Cheryl Koehn

> (Wonderful, Informative and Inspiring) but he refused to look at

it.

> What can I do? Any suggestions? Do I just sit back and wear myself

> out taking care him, 2 young kids and a household and wait for him

to

> come around?

August 8, 2002

Hi and Welcome:

It must be very hard for you to deal with your

husband's not dealing positively with his disease. It

takes a while to accept that you have RA - I had

really no idea what exactly it was (even though my

grandmother had it for many, many years and was

crippled by it). I thought it was just joint pain -

wow, was I ever wrong. The fatigue is one of the

biggest complaints and sometimes can be even more

overwhelming than the pain. RA has also affected my

eyes and lungs to a degree. This is not a disease you

can ignore and hope it goes away. Your husband needs

to stay on his medication and continue to see his

doctor on a regular basis - early treatment of RA is

very critical in decreasing the chances of becoming

crippled or suffering bone deformities because of the

disease. The first few years are very important in

getting the RA under control to minimize disability.

It is hard for anyone to accept this darn disease, let

alone a a man who is supposed, at least in society's

eyes, to be the strong one and take care of the

family, etc. Has he read any books on RA? You can't

force him to open his eyes and deal with his RA - all

you can do is be supportive, but I don't think that

you should do it alone either. We are here for not

only for the person who has the immune system disease,

but for the family members too - feel free to come

here and vent your frustration anytime, and also have

your husband check this group out too. We have one

other active male - Al - and maybe he would feel more

comfortable talking with another man about it. Best

of luck and let us know how it goes with your husband.

Kathe in CA

__________________________________________________

August 8, 2002

Hi, I have a wonderful husband who will gladly do

anything to help me but I have to be sure to only ask

when I am really not feeling well. I want to be as

strong and capable as I can possibly be. When I do

ask for help, he knows I really need it. I think that

the old adage - " You can lead a horse to water, but

you can make him drink " sounds like your situation.

It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love

hurting themselves.

The only thing I can suggest is tell him how much you

love him and how much you want to help him but that he

has to help himself. If he chooses not to help

himself; you can't control his behavior but you can

control your response. Living with an alcoholic

ex-husband enabled me to learn that I couldn't help

him unless he wanted my help.

The need for an anti-depressant would certainly be

worth discussing with his dr.

I have noticed that men tie most of their opinions

about themselves to their capability to provide for

their family. It is so hard and scary when you don't

know if you will be able to continue to do so.

Knowledge is power. Perhaps if you went to the

library and brought books home and talked about little

things from them that you find interesting he might be

curious.

When you feel as though someone is doing all they can,

it makes you feel good to help and you are more than

willing to do so. You must take care of yourself and

refill your emotional batteries so you can take care

of your family.

I can tell from your posting how much you love him and

you want to help him. All you may be able to do is

help yourself and finding a spouses group to help you

cope with his illness would be beneficial. Please let

him know that we are here and could help him with his

feelings about this disease. He would be welcomed.

I wish you the best. Iris

>

> > I do NOT have RA (or any other autoimmune

> disease). My husband is

> the

> > the " culprit " ! I am looking for a little help in

> ways that I can

> get

> > him to accept this and take some more serious

> steps towards taking

> > care of himself. He has known for almost 4 years

> (2 months after

> our

> > youngest was born) and has basically moped about

> it the whole time.

> > He has finally admitted that he has not accepted

> it yet! I

> apologize

> > for sounding angry and uncaring. Being the spouse

> of someone w/RA

> is

> > almost as hard as having it when that person

> doesn't do anything

> > about it. We have two young girls (6 & 3)

> together. He does help me

> > with them when he is feeling good. I am just VERY

> worn out and very

> > frustrated at the situation. He has FINALLY within

> the last month

> > taken the fact that he needs to be on his

> medication on a regular

> > basis seriously. He is one of the fortunate ones

> that is on Enbrel

> > and he also takes Vioxx. We don't have any support

> groups locally

> > that focuses on RA or for our age group. All of

> the support groups

> > take place in the Senior Citizen Complexes and he

> refuses to go.

> Our

> > Dr. has tried also to get him to try several

> different things and

> he

> > puts off even making his appts. I have read alot

> of articles and

> > recently read " Rheumatoid Athritis - Plan To Win "

> by Cheryl Koehn

> > (Wonderful, Informative and Inspiring) but he

> refused to look at

> it.

> > What can I do? Any suggestions? Do I just sit back

> and wear myself

> > out taking care him, 2 young kids and a household

> and wait for him

> to

> > come around?

>

__________________________________________________

August 9, 2002

Thanks for the insight. I really appreciate a male's point of view on

this. I know it's going to be a rough road and that I need to just

hang in there and hope that he realizes that he needs to do

something. Thank you for your help. .

> > I do NOT have RA (or any other autoimmune disease). My husband is

> the

> > the " culprit " ! I am looking for a little help in ways that I can

> get

> > him to accept this and take some more serious steps towards

taking

> > care of himself. He has known for almost 4 years (2 months after

> our

> > youngest was born) and has basically moped about it the whole

time.

> > He has finally admitted that he has not accepted it yet! I

> apologize

> > for sounding angry and uncaring. Being the spouse of someone w/RA

> is

> > almost as hard as having it when that person doesn't do anything

> > about it. We have two young girls (6 & 3) together. He does help

me

> > with them when he is feeling good. I am just VERY worn out and

very

> > frustrated at the situation. He has FINALLY within the last month

> > taken the fact that he needs to be on his medication on a regular

> > basis seriously. He is one of the fortunate ones that is on

Enbrel

> > and he also takes Vioxx. We don't have any support groups locally

> > that focuses on RA or for our age group. All of the support

groups

> > take place in the Senior Citizen Complexes and he refuses to go.

> Our

> > Dr. has tried also to get him to try several different things and

> he

> > puts off even making his appts. I have read alot of articles and

> > recently read " Rheumatoid Athritis - Plan To Win " by Cheryl Koehn

> > (Wonderful, Informative and Inspiring) but he refused to look at

> it.

> > What can I do? Any suggestions? Do I just sit back and wear

myself

> > out taking care him, 2 young kids and a household and wait for

him

> to

> > come around?

August 9, 2002

Yes, I have got on the Internet and printed up articles, went to the

library and brought home books. The book I just finished with is

absolutely wonderful! Rheumatois Arthritis - Plan to Win! It covers

EVERYTHING in this book. I finished it and told him about how great

of a book it was and that he would actually learn alot and enjoy it.

He said, " Yup! " and tossed it aside. That was the night I found this

place. I think we are making some progress but it will take time. I

have to stand back and realize that It's going to be up to him and I

can't go out of my way to make it easier on him. Maybe he will

realize that he needs to do something. Thanks for your support. It

has been a WONDERFUL help. I'm sure I'll be back on soon!

> Hi and Welcome:

>

> It must be very hard for you to deal with your

> husband's not dealing positively with his disease. It

> takes a while to accept that you have RA - I had

> really no idea what exactly it was (even though my

> grandmother had it for many, many years and was

> crippled by it). I thought it was just joint pain -

> wow, was I ever wrong. The fatigue is one of the

> biggest complaints and sometimes can be even more

> overwhelming than the pain. RA has also affected my

> eyes and lungs to a degree. This is not a disease you

> can ignore and hope it goes away. Your husband needs

> to stay on his medication and continue to see his

> doctor on a regular basis - early treatment of RA is

> very critical in decreasing the chances of becoming

> crippled or suffering bone deformities because of the

> disease. The first few years are very important in

> getting the RA under control to minimize disability.

>

> It is hard for anyone to accept this darn disease, let

> alone a a man who is supposed, at least in society's

> eyes, to be the strong one and take care of the

> family, etc. Has he read any books on RA? You can't

> force him to open his eyes and deal with his RA - all

> you can do is be supportive, but I don't think that

> you should do it alone either. We are here for not

> only for the person who has the immune system disease,

> but for the family members too - feel free to come

> here and vent your frustration anytime, and also have

> your husband check this group out too. We have one

> other active male - Al - and maybe he would feel more

> comfortable talking with another man about it. Best

> of luck and let us know how it goes with your husband.

>

> Kathe in CA

>

> __________________________________________________

>

August 9, 2002

You're very welcome. If you ever need to discuss this with another

male, or if your husband needs to talk to someone in a " similar "

health situation, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thinking of you and yours.

Al in IL

> > > I do NOT have RA (or any other autoimmune disease). My husband

is

> > the

> > > the " culprit " ! I am looking for a little help in ways that I

can

> > get

> > > him to accept this and take some more serious steps towards

> taking

> > > care of himself. He has known for almost 4 years (2 months

after

> > our

> > > youngest was born) and has basically moped about it the whole

> time.

> > > He has finally admitted that he has not accepted it yet! I

> > apologize

> > > for sounding angry and uncaring. Being the spouse of someone

w/RA

> > is

> > > almost as hard as having it when that person doesn't do

anything

> > > about it. We have two young girls (6 & 3) together. He does

help

> me

> > > with them when he is feeling good. I am just VERY worn out and

> very

> > > frustrated at the situation. He has FINALLY within the last

month

> > > taken the fact that he needs to be on his medication on a

regular

> > > basis seriously. He is one of the fortunate ones that is on

> Enbrel

> > > and he also takes Vioxx. We don't have any support groups

locally

> > > that focuses on RA or for our age group. All of the support

> groups

> > > take place in the Senior Citizen Complexes and he refuses to

go.

> > Our

> > > Dr. has tried also to get him to try several different things

and

> > he

> > > puts off even making his appts. I have read alot of articles

and

> > > recently read " Rheumatoid Athritis - Plan To Win " by Cheryl

Koehn

> > > (Wonderful, Informative and Inspiring) but he refused to look

at

> > it.

> > > What can I do? Any suggestions? Do I just sit back and wear

> myself

> > > out taking care him, 2 young kids and a household and wait for

> him

> > to

> > > come around?

August 10, 2002

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your situation. An unbudging spouse can be a real

problem. Until he decides to help himself there really isn't much you

can do. Please take care of those babies and especially yourself. You

are in for a trying time. Unfortunately the only thing I can do is

wish you the best of luck.

Huggs

Lena