Emotions with my spouse

[Guest guest]

Thank you as well Jody, Theresa, Patty and all the other friends and partners of

Still's and arthritis patients I know.

I find myself thinking many of the same thoughts that have been expressed here,

about my relationship with my husband and his pain this past year. It was

not so bad as things changed when he was working. Things like less activities,

less laughter and happiness, more fatique, less personal intimate time, but now

that he is off it gets glaringly more apparent every day and suddenly things

that have been ok for fourteen years are not so ok anymore and his constant need

for reassurance of love and affection is not as easily given by me. It's not

that I love him any less, God knows I love him to the ends of this earth and

beyond and always will, but I feel as if it's somehow hollow right now to keep

saying it over and over because I'm angry and that scares me. As he showed me

this morning when I I was asked why I was saying thank you and not " honey "

as much any more I replied in a wisper because I wasn't feeling it much lately,

he motioned it made him feel " drop kicked to the curb " .

I think men or at least mine fights (in a manner of speaking) illness and

therefor everything that goes along with that and it is so hard for me because I

feel as if I am always in a defensive mode with him no matter what the subject

is and I don't know if it's really about what the problem is or my anger that he

can't co-operate and help me deal with his injuries and arthritis. Then I feel

quilty because I've had thirty years to come to terms with my Still's, and I did

not have the support and help he does at least for the medical processes of

claims and doctors and had a baby at the same time to care for on my own.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm as much a mess as he is, and it is so

hard. I have some very close friends in my family here that have held me up

privately these years with the group but this is by far the hardest part I've

ever dealt with in my relationship. I am now sharing my feelings a bit more

publicly in hopes that it will help some of the newer members or anyone because

some have asked for sharing and it is a point in my life that it helps me to

share a bit more openly as well. I will say that knows what I am sharing

today so for all my dearest friends, it is ok ;0) There are no secrets, never

has been, at least for long and never will be.

Thank you for listening,