Re: Dance classes - Sondra

[Guest guest]

Thank you Sondra for your input. A dance class at a counseling/therapy facility

would be great also. My daughter Peri loves music and 'dancing' around,

although her movements are more a combination of jumping, hopping, and

spinning...not really dancing. I think she would excel in dancing in the right

place. But I also think the wrong place would hinder her and make it hard for

me to get her back into it. So I have to be careful.

Sondra, I know that you have several children and you are on the spectrum

yourself. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Do you have female

friends? If so, do they 'come and go' in your life, or have you maintained

lasting, true friendships? I worry about this with my daughter, as she is an

only child and tends to want to be around just ME. Also, since you obviously

could form male/female friendships, did that take a lot of effort on your part

or did you form these relationships without much effort? My daughter is

considered a high functioning autistic. In school she gravitates towards a

couple specific boys and at her parent-teacher conference yesterday, her teacher

told me she is calling one of her classmates 'darling'. I don't know where she

got that from (I don't call my husband darling). I'm wondering if one day she

will WANT to have a boyfriend (when she gets older...right now she is only 6),

and I'm nervous that she will not know boundaries (for both of them) if that

does happen. Just curious as to what your thoughts are on these issues. Thanks

for any insight you can offer.

Karmen

Re: Dance classes

Karmen my therpaist daughter who has been doing dance for over 15

years or around that many teaches dance to autistic girls at the

Amigo family counseling and this is of where I to practice dance but

for me it is of more imitating movements right now, and then learning

to combine of the broken down dance steps into a short simple dance

such as the cha-cha-cha, the chicken dance. I to learn of the dance

through couting and using of the patterns to memorize of the steps

and movments. I to hope some day it will get retained into a visual

that my brain can feel and see for me to be of able to just dance and

move with out so much thinking process.

I to always been of greatly interested in watching dance and drama

like borad way show like things. I to always wished could be to do

this for self but it seems my brain does not cooperate with what I to

want to do and can see and know by watching but when I to try cant

seem to get it to flow the same.

I to been in private practicing in myoffice how to stand on just one

foot without so much wobblings. I to also be of trying to learn to do

two movements that are of not natural for me to do. such as stand on

one foot and move opposite arm up into the air slowly. this I to hope

will be to help me coordinate more balance.

Dance to me is of like poetry in movement.

sondra

[Guest guest]

> Sondra, Do you have female friends? If so, do they 'come and go'

in your life, or have you maintained lasting, true friendships?

no not really I to have a few people who are of parallel with me in

my work and things of that but do not have any real freinds in the

defininition of friendships. most of the time they are of one sided

and I to not be of one to initiate of it because not think of it, not

knowing how or feel what if did initiate and then it gets to be fo

too much and cant find out how to end it...

Yet I to have many internet friends and this is fullfilling for me as

a person to just have of contact and connect to people at this level.

I to not have a sense of lonely... but in my heart would like to have

a friend but because been of hurt too many times by people who make

me feel as if we are of friends and then just reject of me without

knowing of the whys to it and when I to try to seek of answers they

hurt me more and so it adds t my fear and confusions of people as

individuals. most of the people I to had made of some strong connects

with in life via the parallel work of autism have come and goed. I to

have of memory to them but do not have a sense of missing of people

outside of a very few.one use to be of a counselor person who I to

much much felt connected too and he be left of the center and moved

else where . so every once in a while this loss comes and causes of

me sad and frustrations because want of to have of the time as we did

with words and play in sessions.

I to miss of some people if they have had a strong connect to me that

was of respectful of my autism and development and were of good in

bondaries to me. I to also miss a very special lady person of years

back when was in an institutional setting she and her husband both

worked at the locked mental ward I was to be on and she was not abel

to have of childrens both were of strong christian faith and they

crossed the mental health rules and tried to pursue of foster

care/adoptsion of me and she was the first nurturing person even in

the life of me and her husband the strongest father figure ever to

me. I to often wonder what my life would be of like had they been of

able to adopt of me in this life. but as cruel as life is they were

let go because of crossing the conflict of interest rule to their

jobs. sad that the system neglected my ethical needs in this life.

sondra

[Guest guest]

since you obviously could form male/female friendships, did that take

a lot of effort on your part or did you form these relationships

without much effort?

actually since I to obtained marriage people might assume I to had of

a strong part in that and it actually was not so. The husband of me

was of very persistent and in wanting to take of me out. he kept

asking of me and I to be of fearful of him because he was of a red

haired person and so i to felt he was of a leprechaun and was out to

play nasty tricks to me. the sister of me shared to me if i to go out

with him once he would figure me out and never aske me again and so I

to felt this is of how you get rid of a leprechaun.

Now I to had no awareness of relationship love as others may define

it. but I to knew that when girls grow up they get married so with 6

weeks of seeing of him for mini date like things he asked of me and I

to say yes because I to felt that is of what you do. He shared he

loved of my heart and honesty ways that was why he was of want of to

marry me so strongly. but then we were of married 5 months after the

first date. so the marriage of me was not based off the relational

love that most share they have when they chose of marrying of

someone. I to have strong feelings of care for him now after 21 years

of the marriage to me, but to actually know if that is of love I to

not be of to know. And while this is of a personal things i to add

that the sexual relations have been an extreme factor much of the

marriage of us. I to have no sex drive feelings at all. I to never

think of it at all. it is of in part my past and in part my sexual

developmental age is of maybe of less than age of 10/ but I can be of

to respond to him on rare occasions if he places much effort to help

of me work my thinking to that level and even then it is of not of

always success. sorry to share of this but it is of important to

understand that for some of us we may be led into a relationship with

not a mature knowing of the things. no one teached me anythings and

no one guided or protected me from such things as a marriage.

Yes I to have of 4 kids and they are of all with various level or

degrees of aspergers. some can funcion independently with no outside

supports and some of them cannot. For me the thinking of wanting

children was of there but again how they get here was not understood

to me until the second pregnancy. it did not occur to me of the

sexual part of marriage led to the babies I to felt marriage alone

did of that and that by some magical fashions they just began to grow

in you tummy.that was of my thinking levels 21 years ago but now i to

understand of it. no one again teached of me it. Being locked away

did not expose me to natural learning either. being locked away

without the media, TV or things of this or peers it caused huge gaps

in my over all learning. sondra

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for sharing your personal life on such a public arena. I do

appreciate it. I wonder how things will be for my daughter as she DOES have the

family component in which to learn from. I'm sure that missing piece made thing

more difficult for you than they would have been had you had a loving family.

I tend to worry about the 'what ifs' and I try to prepare myself and my daughter

for what lay ahead. Due to her anxieties I have always do this for her, but I

have found that thinking ahead works well for me also.

Due to your circumstances, you have a lot of knowledge to offer to parents who

are struggling with what to discuss and WHEN to discuss things with their

daughters on the spectrum. Do you feel there is specific information to talk to

girls about AND a time frame in which to start talking? Have you come across

any good reading material that would be helpful for ASD girls?

Again, thank you for sharing your story. Take care,

Karmen

Re: Dance classes - Sondra

since you obviously could form male/female friendships, did that take

a lot of effort on your part or did you form these relationships

without much effort?

actually since I to obtained marriage people might assume I to had of

a strong part in that and it actually was not so. The husband of me

was of very persistent and in wanting to take of me out. he kept

asking of me and I to be of fearful of him because he was of a red

haired person and so i to felt he was of a leprechaun and was out to

play nasty tricks to me. the sister of me shared to me if i to go out

with him once he would figure me out and never aske me again and so I

to felt this is of how you get rid of a leprechaun.

Now I to had no awareness of relationship love as others may define

it. but I to knew that when girls grow up they get married so with 6

weeks of seeing of him for mini date like things he asked of me and I

to say yes because I to felt that is of what you do. He shared he

loved of my heart and honesty ways that was why he was of want of to

marry me so strongly. but then we were of married 5 months after the

first date. so the marriage of me was not based off the relational

love that most share they have when they chose of marrying of

someone. I to have strong feelings of care for him now after 21 years

of the marriage to me, but to actually know if that is of love I to

not be of to know. And while this is of a personal things i to add

that the sexual relations have been an extreme factor much of the

marriage of us. I to have no sex drive feelings at all. I to never

think of it at all. it is of in part my past and in part my sexual

developmental age is of maybe of less than age of 10/ but I can be of

to respond to him on rare occasions if he places much effort to help

of me work my thinking to that level and even then it is of not of

always success. sorry to share of this but it is of important to

understand that for some of us we may be led into a relationship with

not a mature knowing of the things. no one teached me anythings and

no one guided or protected me from such things as a marriage.

Yes I to have of 4 kids and they are of all with various level or

degrees of aspergers. some can funcion independently with no outside

supports and some of them cannot. For me the thinking of wanting

children was of there but again how they get here was not understood

to me until the second pregnancy. it did not occur to me of the

sexual part of marriage led to the babies I to felt marriage alone

did of that and that by some magical fashions they just began to grow

in you tummy.that was of my thinking levels 21 years ago but now i to

understand of it. no one again teached of me it. Being locked away

did not expose me to natural learning either. being locked away

without the media, TV or things of this or peers it caused huge gaps

in my over all learning. sondra

[Guest guest]

there are many books that are for auitsm spectrum disorder that are

created for them and are of to helo explain the autism in them or

help them become aware of their strengths and challenges.

but one of the best books is of called the care and keeping of me. it

is of an american girl book series for girls and the early parts of

sexual development is one of those books they also have staying home

alone, social rules sorts of things and so to me all of those books

would have been of a important things for me as a child.

about to have of the words now it was of around 8-9 years ago the

husband to worked hard to teach of me how to key board and learn of

the concept of the internet and connecting via the autism lists/. it

took of me some time and bach then it was of harder because felt had

to do my best to be of perfect in the words so had of this pop up

things that helped of me correct things and then the kids and husband

would help of me if could not do it by self so it gave off and false

things of self but did not want people to know that I to be of not

right as much had been told was of mentally ill and mild retardations

but was not of correctly dx then so felt the issues I to had were of

mentally ill and retardations.

anyways the exposures to words via the visual fashion helped increase

of my vocabulary and exposed me to words in regards to autism that

helped me have of he words of what was of going on inside of me such

as sensory overload. it now is of a word that if I to be feeling this

can now say so before because had no words for it just would meltdown

into not so good behaviors.

so over the last 8-9 years I to have gained in words and concepts now

can be of to get out what was trapped inside of me because had no

words to express it so that others could be to understand of it.

so for one to help of the kids it is of bes tto use the terms used in

autism to them consistently so they can gain insight begin to

recognize of things within them and learn how to advocate or speak

out for self.

sondra

[Guest guest]

In life I find I enjoy having male friends, at least I'm more

comfortable with male friends. They don't do that seemingly female

thing of turning on you for no explainable reason. Yet it's difficult

having male friends because if they are married their wives often do

not like it and I can't say as I blame them. I wouldn't like Craig

having really close female friends. I seem to understand men better,

they are so simple compared with females. Yet I always wanted

daughters and God blessed me with three. I enjoy them immensely and

never really cared if I had sons or not. Maybe it is a way for me to

enjoy females without fearing them so bad? I dunno.

Debi

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sondra,

That must have been very hard having to learn how to use the computer and write

appropriately so others didn't think you were 'strange'. The computer is a

great tool, but at times it can be very detrimental. On this group, I have

learned, as I'm sure you have also, you can be yourself. We are all here to

learn, gather knowledge, offer support and advice. Sometimes we just need

someone else to HEAR us...not necessarily to gain anything from others, just

LISTEN. That is the wonderful thing about people who are all in the same

boat...we all 'get it'. We all understand.

It sounds like you've got a great husband and helpful children. That isn't

always so even for 'typical' people, so I'm sure it took some 'doing' on your

part. But you seem to have managed quite well under your circumstances. You

really should write that book.

Thank you again for your suggestions.

Take care,

Karmen

Re: Dance classes - Sondra

there are many books that are for auitsm spectrum disorder that are

created for them and are of to helo explain the autism in them or

help them become aware of their strengths and challenges.

but one of the best books is of called the care and keeping of me. it

is of an american girl book series for girls and the early parts of

sexual development is one of those books they also have staying home

alone, social rules sorts of things and so to me all of those books

would have been of a important things for me as a child.

about to have of the words now it was of around 8-9 years ago the

husband to worked hard to teach of me how to key board and learn of

the concept of the internet and connecting via the autism lists/. it

took of me some time and bach then it was of harder because felt had

to do my best to be of perfect in the words so had of this pop up

things that helped of me correct things and then the kids and husband

would help of me if could not do it by self so it gave off and false

things of self but did not want people to know that I to be of not

right as much had been told was of mentally ill and mild retardations

but was not of correctly dx then so felt the issues I to had were of

mentally ill and retardations.

anyways the exposures to words via the visual fashion helped increase

of my vocabulary and exposed me to words in regards to autism that

helped me have of he words of what was of going on inside of me such

as sensory overload. it now is of a word that if I to be feeling this

can now say so before because had no words for it just would meltdown

into not so good behaviors.

so over the last 8-9 years I to have gained in words and concepts now

can be of to get out what was trapped inside of me because had no

words to express it so that others could be to understand of it.

so for one to help of the kids it is of bes tto use the terms used in

autism to them consistently so they can gain insight begin to

recognize of things within them and learn how to advocate or speak

out for self.

sondra

[Guest guest]

I think that is very normal to possibly not have sex drive after your

history of abuse. If it hasn't been worked through, or if we develop

an abnormal opinion of what sexuality is very young, it can be very,

very difficult to overcome that as an adult.

Debi

[Guest guest]

karmen you shared I to really should be of to write that book? I to

have some published materials , my book is of titles refelctions of

self and can be found at the gray center for social learning and or

some internet places too. My DVD is of titles define me. it is of a

version of one of my presentations.

I to now do use of my language as it comes to me and do not use all teh

tools anymore to repair and fix and edit because often then I to find

self getting so frustrated over all that to just send a thinking that I

to find will not send of any words. so now I to just let the fingers

tap out the words and let it flow as it comes from my head./

I to tap so fast now that I to make of some spell errors and such and

do try at times to fix of them but not always as I to sometimes just

impulsively hit send.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Debi when I was of to be of little and was of being sexually raped I to

lacked of it being of sexual and thus didnot relate to it as sexual but

as fearful attacks to me as a being not as a rape back then. so did not

feel violated in the sense that others may have when it was of

happening I to just knew the scary man was of hurting me over and over

and not wanted of that pains to me.

it was not until married life that I to understood of the reality of

what happened to me as a child as far as it being of related to sex.

but still did not have of the words to it completely . So it was not

until I to began of therapy that the impact of the emotions to it all

flooded of me inside and then was the feeling of violations understood.

the therapist shared to me much of 5 years or so ago that my over all

sexual development was younger than age of 10. I to still do not see of

men as sexual or think of sexual thinkings towards them. I to not see

of self as sexual either so cant find self interested in femine things

of sexuality such as dress and or night things. I to mean that for self

do not understand or feel within me to dress or act a certain way to

encoruage sexual things even from the husband it is of not somethings I

to have within me yet. Even when with some female peoples and they see

of a man and begin of the words over him I to often wonder of why they

say of those words and not get of their interest to the person in that

fashions.

sexual development is of a slow process and even last year or maybe it

was of this year was the first time i to seen of a movie star and

something about him causes me to like of him. I to like how hims words

comed, I to liked of the way hims movements were and how he dressed of

hims self. but even then the thinking only went to a attraction of hims

over all presentation and yet even now cant recall of the movie he was

in or hims full name but know i think hims last name was of phillpi?

I to wish could mature more in this areas of life but for me think that

if have not by now I to must be to have already maxed out the age for

me in this areas.

sondra