Re: New to group and in terrible TORMENT

[Guest guest]

Welcome Dove (Suz)....we are here. All of us are here. You are not

the only one with very simular " challenges " in this " family " , and it

is no small matter that you are here now. So, Cyn, this is for you

too...and others.

I have read your other entry and, also thinking of yet another whose

here with things that are along these same lines.

There are many issues here, and it will take the loving unfolding of

them in a caring way. I hope that you will find the unfolding

comforting, and releasing, refreshing. As I think you know already,

when we uncover parts of ourselves, we release the energy that has

been trapped there. This energy can be refreshing, loving, and yes,

painful, very painful. We can even see in some cases, what many

would say is a demon, blocking this inner place. [releasing our

demons]. But there is none such as these, it is only the energy, of

the thoughts, the events, the tramas that lay hidden there.

Whatever we do " on the outside " ; the face we show to the world, is

fully, and completely powered from the " within " , and the layers,

or " pieces " , the fragments that were created. This is how we can be

one way today, and completely something else the next. But it's even

deeper than that.

There are " triggers " and " anchors " that have been built into the

process [i sound like Tony Robbins now lol].

These things are placed whn something happens where we are at our

highest emotional state. The sights, smells, taste, sounds...all of

it is layered in. It is no small thing that where something happens

later, that one or more of these triggers are activated; we live the

moment over again...not so much that we remember the event or

action, but the experience of the fear, hopelessness, powerlessness,

pain, confusion, whatever it entailed. We bring that to a present

moment and " react " ...we are responding with old data, old

programming.

Test have shown that a child in the womb knows whats going on. When

the parents are in a high emotional state, say argueing, a very

intense situation, the baby, the fetus, picks up everything around

it...the tv, the sound, the voices, the context, a passing train,

the neighbors banging on the wall...all of it. In those test, in

regression therapy, the client was able to recall everything,

including what the arguements were about...and it was verified.

and I were having this very discussion about a week ago. The

jest of it was that, it is not something that is occuring now, as it

is something that has happened before. It may not even invole the

same two people and usually doesn't. But the " triggers " have been

set off, and so the reaction is powered by that event, maybe long

forgotten.

There is a thing you can do, best done by another with you...to

insure things go well, especially on the other side of things.

It goes like this...close your eyes....well, pretend you do for now.

In this setting, I want you to remember in this moment, a time when

you were happy, an exciting happy event...see it? Now describe it

for me...the sight, the sounds, the smells...yes, those will begin

to come too...who are the people? Is it outside or in, feel

it...describe it the best you can...don't stress it...relax into

it...From [here], let go back to another time when you felt

happy...describe what you see, tell me about it...who are the

people...the sights, the sounds, the smells....move into it, how do

you feel? Stay [there]....let's move back further.....find the next

time you felt happy......... An examlpe is when a song comes on the

radio, we can be taken back to a moment, a place, an event...it

serves as a trigger to remind us.

Ok, like I said, this is best done in a nice comfortable setting and

someone talking you through....I've brought people back to when they

were three years old....and just the happy times, the being able to,

not only recall long forgotten thing, but to experience them as if

they were there again...even the speech was for the age they had

reached. And slowly, the person is brought back to the

present...relaxed, happy tears, feeling like the world had somehow

become new, refreshed.

But you can do this yourself if you want to meditate it...when doing

it yourself, your inner true being will watch for you and not let

any harm befall you in this journey. Try it.

Now....this is only half of the process. In the first event, you

have relived, expressed, and experienced what has been good...what

has been you...what still is you...and very close to the real you.

Now we do the work...but it's just as easy, just as rewarding, just

as revealing.....think back to a dark time, an event...don't try to

find, just the first thing that comes to mind. Let's enter

it...there's nothing to fear [here]. Who is there? What is

happening? What are the sights and smells and sounds? What are the

details? Here, we do not have to enter, we can simply observe

it...you will " feel " what you should do. If you choose to experience

it, inderstand this....you may be experiencing for the first time.

You may not have experienced it before, as you may have bi-located,

left the event in you mind for a safer place, became detached.

By observing, you will be able to see " yoy " in this experience. In

this you may experience complete empathy, as like a mother for a

child. You may experience incredible compassion, energy will be

released in mega doses, depending on the event and experience.

You will find yourself forgiving many things. Yet, if you choose to

enter the experience, you may experience the original pain involved.

Sometimes this may be needed to deflate it, to release it's energy.

Noting here for a moment that, this is exactly what we do when

reacting in our " nows " , in usually a completely different matter,

different people, different events. We are experiencing with the

energy from an old running program. From which a trigger is set off.

Now, moving past that, and your ok to do so...and remember, even if

you experience this, you can stop at any moment, disengage it,

become the observer again. You do not have to re-experience anything.

As you move back in this process with the next thing that comes to

mind, you will observe and/or experience each of these, till there

are no more. By coming to them, you have deflated them, brought

healing. Wholeness.

Sometimes we are afraid of the things we may find " in the dark " ,

yet, as we bring light back to it...we can only find one

thing....ourselves, all curled up there, shivering in a dark corner,

right where we left ourselves, when we escaped to a safer place.

There is no fear to be found, only us. Ans when you start finding

the little pieces of yourself, each and everytime, you become whole,

all over again, your love pours out...the energy is released. The

triggers collasped.

Your empathy for another are all these little you's calling

out " mommy " , " mommy " ....and that connection is intact.

In a way, that's why we are here now...as all the wonderful times

are revealed, more and more, room is made for all the other times

that need to be found...layer by layer, we alow this journey to take

place...to unfold.

There are also little things you can do to help. Create your own

triggers...when you find yourself in a high state of

happiness...pull your ear. It can be anything, find something you

can toch or do that you wouldn't normally toch or do...and anchor

that trigger. Everytime you have another highened state of

happiness, touch or pull or otherwise seat the anchor in the same

location...do this for any positive experiences and have one for

each type. And then, when you nee a boost up, something extra, reach

for the trigger....the experience will be released and delute or

wipe out the lower emotions.

Anyway, there's much more of course....go back to writing your

poetry...[how'd he know that?]....maybe write just to be writing. It

maybe be a way to do the above in a more direct way...simply start

by remembering a happy time, an event, and simply write about that

one thing for awhile, and then put it away...just stay with that for

a bit. Then, when your ready, do it again....stay with the happy and

loving events first. Don't tell me you can't find any....look.You

may discover some things that will be very important in the whole

process.

There is one other thing I'll touch on here....when we have given up

our power in some event, whether it was taken from us, or we somehow

surrendered it....and trama is suffered because of it,

subconsciously, we will always look for a simular event to take

place, be it the same or in like manner. What is happening is,

because we had no power, we both feel ashamed and guilty, for having

left ourselves there, and we seek to regain that control by

subjecting ourselves to the very same kinds of things. When we find

ourselves there, we are completely confused by it...we don't

understand this need to be in such a place, and we fragment further

still.

I'll let this set for a bit...I get carried away, and maybe off

track at times....trying to cover many bases.

Just know that love is being poured out, right here, right now...and

everyone here is doing what they do best....taking you to heart.

With Love,

D~

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know

> eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised

> Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my

faith

> and walk since my 30's.

> I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for

> the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am

finding

> myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next.

Every

> week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip

whatever it

> is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my

> marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after

I go

> home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive.

> It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I

say

> lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only

pain

> and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life

mostly

> in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of

wanting

> the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only

medicates me

> more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I

can't

> seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I

belong

> and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I

get. I

> don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I

> play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy

come. I

> feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in

this

> marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it

led me

> to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels

but

> have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel

can't

> seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from

minute

> to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay

in

> a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My

kids

> are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've

> learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in

my

> daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've

> tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that

is

> so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive.

>

> Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my

will to

> stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me

> roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much

healing

> to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just

> doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in

> working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help

> others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants

me

> this.

>

> Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write

me....I

> just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long

I am

> afraid of it, from men that is.

>

> Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove

>

[Guest guest]

I'm giving you hugs Dove. So very many of them! I feel your pain in this message as clear as day. It feels to me that you're coming to a cross roads in your life, one that you've never had to face before. There's one thing that comes to my mind, and that's finding your connection with the source, or God again (which you've already stated). A constant stream of it. I think the only way you're going to make it there is to trust. Trust that everything is going to be okay. If you decide to leave your husband KNOW and TRUST that it WILL be OK! I think change might be more of a blessing than not. Remember too that the only constant is change. We need that to stay challenged and continue our growth. We're kind of like plants in that respect, we grow towards the light, and the only way we're going to do that is change. They trust they're going to get what they need, and they allow themselves to grow. Please remember the divine in your own heart. Sit with your pain, feel it, cry, build it up as high as it will go, and then.......let it go. Let it blow away back to the Earth like dust. It will be transformed into something else, and so will you. We're here for you, all of us. And we love you sister,Stefanie>> I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know> eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised> Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my faith> and walk since my 30's. > I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for> the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am finding> myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Every> week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever it> is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my> marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I go> home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive. > It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I say> lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain> and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly> in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wanting> the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates me> more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I can't> seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belong> and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. I> don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I> play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. I> feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in this> marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led me> to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels but> have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can't> seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from minute> to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay in> a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kids> are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've> learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in my> daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've> tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that is> so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive. > > Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will to> stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me> roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healing> to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just> doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in> working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help> others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants me> this.> > Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I> just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I am> afraid of it, from men that is. > > Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove>

[Guest guest]

You're in my prayers dear One.

We all have our up's and down's. Please don't be to hard with

yourself.

I wish I could give you a REAL hug but I'm kind of far away so let me

give you an huge hug via this message.

Much Love & Light

Metta

Johanna

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know

> eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised

> Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my

faith

> and walk since my 30's.

> I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for

> the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am

finding

> myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next.

Every

> week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever

it

> is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my

> marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I

go

> home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive.

> It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I

say

> lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain

> and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly

> in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of

wanting

> the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates

me

> more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I

can't

> seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I

belong

> and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get.

I

> don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I

> play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy

come. I

> feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in

this

> marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led

me

> to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels

but

> have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel

can't

> seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from

minute

> to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay

in

> a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My

kids

> are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've

> learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in

my

> daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've

> tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that

is

> so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive.

>

> Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will

to

> stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me

> roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much

healing

> to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just

> doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in

> working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help

> others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants

me

> this.

>

> Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I

> just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I

am

> afraid of it, from men that is.

>

> Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Beautiful Suz...Do know, Beloved, that your pleas are heard and in answer to them out come all this amazing Family here to tell you that you are not without support. I feel you, your pain, your heart break and it brings tears to sting the backs of my eyes, yet we are all working on moving beyond our pain - not by ignoring it, but by honestly acknowledging it and then releasing with forgiveness and embracing the lesson/s and the hope that comes with forgiveness and release - in its due time. Each of us heals at our own pace - there is no one answer for "when" or even for "how" for us because while we are blessedly One we are also blessedly unique, you see? *soft smile and a warm tight hug*Do know that you are not only added to my own humble prayers and energetic healing offerings, but more importantly to the official HH Healing & Prayer Grid to send you constant love and healing - and to your

loved ones, too. Most of all please know you are Loved, hm? *second soft smile*Namaste and welcome to our "family"....~Ali~dovetouched <hisalone@...> wrote: I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my faith and walk since my 30's. I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for the past 18 years but I won't do that right now.

Tonight I am finding myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Every week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever it is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I go home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive. It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I say lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wanting the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates me more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I can't seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belong and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. I don't

feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. I feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in this marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led me to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels but have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can't seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from minute to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay in a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kids are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in my daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that is so unbearable it takes much

disconnection to survive. Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will to stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healing to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants me this. Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I am afraid of it, from men that is. Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove

[Guest guest]

Hello Dove,

Wecome Home our arms are open ready to hug you tight. What

wrote is right.He is a very wise man. I to have panic attacks, like

in the store,work even thou I haven't had one in a long time . I do

understand it is hard to deal with but you have us to talk to we are

here 24/7.

Peace And Love

Lynn

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know

> eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised

> Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my

faith

> and walk since my 30's.

> I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for

> the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am

finding

> myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next.

Every

> week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever

it

> is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my

> marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I

go

> home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive.

> It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I

say

> lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain

> and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly

> in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of

wanting

> the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates

me

> more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I

can't

> seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I

belong

> and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get.

I

> don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I

> play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy

come. I

> feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in

this

> marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led

me

> to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels

but

> have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel

can't

> seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from

minute

> to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay

in

> a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My

kids

> are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've

> learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in

my

> daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've

> tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that

is

> so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive.

>

> Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will

to

> stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me

> roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much

healing

> to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just

> doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in

> working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help

> others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants

me

> this.

>

> Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I

> just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I

am

> afraid of it, from men that is.

>

> Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove

>

[Guest guest]

Blessings Dove , So many here know how you feel its unbelievable !! I am sending you ~hugs~ and praying that your torment ends and you find your way. I am an Empath as well and many times in my journey through this realm I have been broken but Please believe with gifts such as ours we were made stronger to endure even the most horrilbe pain and survive dont' give up ever you will be alright I know trust me I know it hurts so bad and you want to give up . The person you love is broken not you has he had a med adjustment lately?? I will be sending healing your way for certain and more loving hugs~~~~ Blessed Be Anastasia dovetouched <hisalone@...> wrote: I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't knoweachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raisedCatholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my faithand walk since my 30's. I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been forthe past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am findingmyself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Everyweek I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever itis out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for mymarriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I gohome to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive. It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life.

I saylately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only painand disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostlyin my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wantingthe inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates memore do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I can'tseem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belongand what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. Idon't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when Iplay my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. Ifeel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in thismarriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led meto destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels buthave far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can'tseem a floor under me. Does

anyone know what it's like to from minuteto minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay ina marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kidsare all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I'velearned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in mydaily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l'vetried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that isso unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive. Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will tostay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make meroller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healingto do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it justdoesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts inworking order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to helpothers and gift them

with love true love....everything in me wants methis.Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....Ijust need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I amafraid of it, from men that is. Thank you and blessings upon you, DoveAnastasia

Pinpoint customers who are looking for what you sell.

[Guest guest]

Dear Dove, Please know that are thoughts, prayers and love are with you. I am just one small part of this wonderful compassionate group, but I am here for you. I care. Metta, dovetouched <hisalone@...> wrote: I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't knoweachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raisedCatholic then converted to non

denom and have struggled with my faithand walk since my 30's. I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been forthe past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am findingmyself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Everyweek I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever itis out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for mymarriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I gohome to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive. It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I saylately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only painand disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostlyin my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wantingthe inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates memore do I come online and try to move into the

inner fog that I can'tseem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belongand what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. Idon't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when Iplay my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. Ifeel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in thismarriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led meto destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels buthave far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can'tseem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from minuteto minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay ina marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kidsare all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I'velearned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in mydaily life

except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l'vetried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that isso unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive. Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will tostay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make meroller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healingto do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it justdoesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts inworking order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to helpothers and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants methis.Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....Ijust need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I amafraid of it, from men that is. Thank you and blessings upon you,

Dove

Shape in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today!

[Guest guest]

Dear Dove,

I have struggled for two days with words for you. At first I had

none, then I had too many.

I am praying for you. I think I know where you're coming from, but

not having all the details, well...its not right for me to say

anything except you're in my thoughts and prayers. You can trust your

heart to tell you what to do. There's always going to be one that

says " get out " and one that says " work it out " in your marriage. So

you just have to listen to your heart. If you leave, you will make

it. If you stay, you will make it.

I stayed in a marriage for 21 years and wouldn't leave. Ten of those

years my husband was a minister. I'm still struggling to let go of

regrets I have for things I did or didn't do. At the end, he left me.

I was still sitting there. But by then, I was heavily medicated and

barely even knew who I was.

But every situation is different.

I know the torment. I know the pain. I know the thoughts that won't

get out of your head but only get worse the more you fight them.

You've got to find another focus. And thats not easy to do when you

can barely breath from whats going on inside your head (which affects

your whole body!)

You DON'T have to go through this alone.

I'm glad you're here.

Much love to you,

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know

> eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised

> Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my faith

> and walk since my 30's.

> I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for

> the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am finding

> myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Every

> week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever it

> is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my

> marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I go

> home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive.

> It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I say

> lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain

> and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly

> in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wanting

> the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates me

> more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I can't

> seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belong

> and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. I

> don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I

> play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. I

> feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in this

> marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led me

> to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels but

> have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can't

> seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from minute

> to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay in

> a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kids

> are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've

> learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in my

> daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've

> tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that is

> so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive.

>

> Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will to

> stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me

> roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healing

> to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just

> doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in

> working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help

> others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants me

> this.

>

> Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I

> just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I am

> afraid of it, from men that is.

>

> Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove

>

[Guest guest]

,

You gave me so much to think on which is refreshing.It is however alot

to take in and one I don't think I can do without someone helping me.

Mostly because my mind is such a fast whirling maze I either have

difficulty staying in one spot mentally (4 places at once)or I

completely drift off to sleep and never finish what I start.

I've tried to do theophostic healing and it didn't go well. It

actually made my fibromyaglia worse, bits of anger or depression bring

back memories then affect my marriage more negatively which I don't

need more of since he has such little ability to control his own

stress levels. My own mother who has a masters in socials could do

this with me but her training teaches to stay in the here and now,

that regression/repression has proven to be more damaging than

helpful. I don't know what to believe all I know is that anything I

have tried thus far doesn't work but that might be so because all

these people needed money to walk me through it and I've never had

enough to stay the course.

I do understand what you are speaking of here because I have tried to

do some of it myself in the past and I have read some things on this.

What I have found is that my repression is so deep seated at times I

will draw a blank and nothing will come to mind, as if my own ego will

not allow itself to be tapped when I am giving it permission too. You

are right about the term " demons " Christian churches teach that we are

being spiritually oppressed. That demon terminology is what brought on

my panic attacks. It does make more sense that it's trapped energy

from our own experiences but even facing that is hard. I avoid

mirrors, crying, anger etc...as if I am some bad person because I get

told I am either by my mother or husband or my children ( not actual

words but they get the point across). Even my own children are abusive

to me. If I left those that impacted me negatively I would no longer

have any family left, maybe my reason for feeling like I don't have

any family. I sit here and wonder how many times I've been told by

family and therapists that I am my own worst enemy and I honestly

wonder if its merely the voices of others who had no control over

their own emotions and emoted it onto me and I accepted it as my own.

Nonetheless I agree that I need to go through something as you

mentioned, much of mine I think is grief more than depression, yet

again I don't have a single person to do this with. Even if someone

came forward I am not sure I would have the courage as I have spent so

much of life avoiding pain because I've had too much already. It would

take forever to find good feelings, good memories and I don't know

why. I have lost much memory on many things.

I ask you this too how can I process anything in my past when I am

nearly unable to process what is happening right now without deep

confusion and pain. Should I add more pain in the midst of a

emotionally abusive marriage? Is there a name for this type of

working through you call it? Or do you call it energy work? I am

willing to work with someone but it is in my nature to run one of the

things I hate the most about myself.

You mentioned something about allowing ourselves to feel hate, to say

it outloud as well as any other emotion and I am so stuck in this

marriage thing all I hear almost every day is I hate you but I never

say it. I choose this and it's hard to accept that I choose this and

don't feel I have a way out that is without more misery on a different

level. I don't know if I should process now or process past but I

have taken to heart everything you said and I am grateful you have

posted this thank you so much. Your below statement is the one that

really caught me! That and the one of feeling like I am feeling

something different all the time actually being different from on hour

to the next held captive by triggers, It's almost like having multiple

personalities. All I know is I want out of the pain, out of the

dysfunction, out of the unhealthy choices, out of the physical pain

that has stopped my life from going forward and I need the ability to

allow love in my life and not fear it...as well as believe I deserve it.

> Your empathy for another are all these little you's calling

> out " mommy " , " mommy " ....and that connection is intact.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Stefanie,

Your loving comments remind me of the mothering inner voice I have for

myself sometimes but not very often. I know what you say is so true,

yet the thought of feeling safe and okay is not something I have had

most of my life. Just when I think I have arrived it's gone. I believe

that only we can give us that safety through our higher source. I just

don't know how on this earth in THIS BODY to take care of me without

the help of a man.....that is a terrible thing to say, a terrible

thing I don't even want to say because logically I don't believe it or

agree with it and internally I don't want to lean on anyone else for

my survival but over and over again because of my health I've been

forced to look to men for help in many ways only to pay a higher price

than what I bargained for.

We are in the middle of moving right now and though part of me is in

it another part of me is saying.....don't do this.....run with

everything you have and let your soul be at peace finally. I just keep

going on in the day doing what I am suppose to be doing because I

don't see any other option or way. I wouldn't wish this trapped

feeling on anyone and I know there are plenty who are in this and

beyond and I am thankful all of you have come together to believe that

one person at a time creates a turning point regardless the masses of

those suffering. I can only pray that one day soon I will be here

lifting another up.

PLEASE BE PATIENT AS I TRY TO RESPOND TO EVERYONE, IT'S DIFFICULT FOR

ME TO TYPE TOO LONG AND I AM EXTREMELY SHY ON THE PHONE AT FIRST TOO

SO FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T REACH FOR THAT RIGHT NOW...HOWEVER PLEASE

BELIEVE I AM TOUCHED BY EACH OF YOUR RESPONSES AND AM ENCOURAGED such

a loving family you all are!!! I will try my darndest to accept that

love and return it.

>

> I'm giving you hugs Dove. So very many of them! I feel your pain in this

> message as clear as day.

> It feels to me that you're coming to a cross roads in your life, one

> that you've never had to face before. There's one thing that comes to my

> mind, and that's finding your connection with the source, or God again

> (which you've already stated). A constant stream of it. I think the only

> way you're going to make it there is to trust. Trust that everything is

> going to be okay. If you decide to leave your husband KNOW and TRUST

> that it WILL be OK! [] I think change might be more of a blessing

> than not. Remember too that the only constant is change. We need that to

> stay challenged and continue our growth. We're kind of like plants in

> that respect, we grow towards the light, and the only way we're going to

> do that is change. They trust they're going to get what they need, and

> they allow themselves to grow.

>

> Please remember the divine in your own heart. Sit with your pain, feel

> it, cry, build it up as high as it will go, and then.......let it go.

> Let it blow away back to the Earth like dust. It will be transformed

> into something else, and so will you.

>

> We're here for you, all of us. And we love you sister,

> Stefanie

>

[Guest guest]

My Dearest....

....if you would please allow me to ramble a bit, as I'm not sure what

I will say here, in the silence I have had to direct myself into,

because I have been sitting here for some time now. Reading your

post, re-reading the previous ones, going to your M/S to look it over

again...even to your pictures, so I could directly focus love to you,

and fill you with all the intensity I can.

Still, I am sitting here, deep in this thought of you. It is one of

my " Job " moments, when I look for the skies to part, lightening to

spread across the vastness, a whirlwind to appear, whatever God is

surely, appear to me and explain to me things I can not yet

compehrend. Where are my powers to make this woman whole and complete.

Yes, I've sent love, done was it is I do, and I know the

universe/God, is already making it so...already it is done. Yet,

my " human " side, wishes to take your hand, and let you know, that

everything is going to be ok...even now, this moment. In the moments

that seem so dark, and lonely. When you feel the whole world has

closed in on you, ready to destroy you, and you can barely raise your

hand to fend it off, any longer. Giving up seems so easy, yet it is

it's own pain...and even that pain is more than what can be endured.

You go numb, numb is suppose to feel nothing, at least...but, this,

this pain, has become everything...even the numbness is pain. It

hurts to breath and it hurts not to. It hurts to cry, and it hurts

not to. You want to yell STOP, just " stop " , and suspend all

things...long enough to " not feel " , and maybe, there, there in such a

place, it might be possible to see something better, anything,

better, up, out, beyond.

You want to scream but it lies silent in your throat, caught in your

heart. It's open, yet closed...your heart so vunerable, and broken,

and bruised, it can bare so little more, and one more word, one more

assault would surely rip it into.

You see the door, yet how could it lead anywhere, but back into

itself, or to yet another one, oh, how many rooms to this " house " ,

this body, this mind...you hear that silent load echo, of yourself,

coming from every direction, and from nowhere...

I still have your hand....

I know...

....how it feels to be curled up in a ball, when all the teats that

would come, pored out like water behind a broken dam. How it feels to

be so empty, that the tears have passed, leaving a dry desert, and

the pain still makes you convulse with dry heaves of agony.

....how it feels to not want to move, to just want to...let it...go...

....how it feels to be told, your no good, you'll never amount to

anything, your worthless, stupid.....the things could fill you page

after page here...

I have your hand, and I know... " some " , of how it feels.

You say your in the middle of a move...would it be possible, for now,

to go to your mother's? Would that be a good idea for you? To go to

your mothers that is, not so much the leaving the " negative " aspect

your in now? In other words, would your mother's be a positive, more

postive at least, influence at this time? Or is that it's own set of

problems?

And if not there, another place? You need some time away from the

negative venue your now in. And I'm not saying you need to leave your

husband or family...just that, for now...you need " you space " .

You need at least a " netural " place to be, with yourself. A place

where you can allow the warth and help to come in. A place where you

can think about going back for that degree you want. A place where

you can write through this. A place where you can build, and grow

from. A place not so " reality based " in negative energy at this time.

I would will someone can be there for you in person who could take

you through this inner journey in such a way as to help unlock these

inner doors, to let you out...to find the real you, that you know is

there, ready to come out. Maybe I can think of something...

I think, that if you can see to take the step above...for now...and I

know it's a big thing...then, that will be the way to take care of

the " immediate concerns " . But you need to make this step...make this

decesion...and all love and positive energy is flowing from those

here right now, this very moment, and continuing...

And should it become nessassary, I will declare a " spiritual

emergency " in this place, for the needed support and resources to

come forward...and someone here will be able to be more directly

envolved with that, or at least having more access to it for you.

You are a member of this family...and we care about every member

fully and completely. This is humanity in action.

You might try alittle " gastalt " thearpy when your along...just to

release some negative energy build up. That is where you take a

pillow or a soft bat and " beat the hell " out of a chair or something.

Let it out, expend from within. Don't think about it, thus bringing

in more " negative thoughts " and vibrations, but just let it go until

your exhausted. The pent up " feelings " will burst out.

Then leave that, and go write. And, I want you to write about one

thing only, each time you do go write. Only write about happiness.

What makes you happy, empowered, beautiful, passionate? I don't care

if it takes a few minutes to find some little thing...write about

that one thing for as long as you can, giving every detail about how,

why, it makes you happy...experience that...let it flow out.

Each time, pick another thing, write about how that degree completed

would feel, and what you would do with it, live it in those words,

experience it.

You said you'd love to get into photography, then write about that.

How would it make you feel? What would give happiness in doing it?

You get the idea.

We love you, and you are beautiful. You have so much incredible

talent and compassion wothin you just begging to be released. You are

empowered, and blessed, and outside of this, there waits many who you

will share with, who have been waiting for the healing that you are

bringing. Your essence is already shining...the sun, the light

breaking through...those aren't fearful tears this very moment are

they...their the beautiful ones...the beautiful ones, the beautiful

you coming through.

Your value is priceless, for not even gold has such a standard. Thank

you for allowing me to enter into your presense...you overwhelm my

senses with the love I see in you, the love we all see in you.

You have simply been a mirror for another to reflect themselves

upon...you are not the reflection, or the other...the words you've

heard were not for you, but that of the one reflecting.

At this moment, I send the words back to their source, to their own

creator, yet, I send them with love, deluting their power, and

carrying healing back. They are no longer the same.

I send you, in full measure running over, love, overpowering,

bursting through your heart center, filling, overflowing, cascading,

surrounding, submerging your entire being in it's essence, your own

heart center responding, open, filled and running over, glowing, your

whole being engulfed, over powered by pure love, light burning away

what is not so......

With Love,

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> ,

>

> You gave me so much to think on which is refreshing.It is however

alot

> to take in and one I don't think I can do without someone helping

me.

> Mostly because my mind is such a fast whirling maze I either have

> difficulty staying in one spot mentally (4 places at once)or I

> completely drift off to sleep and never finish what I start.

>

> I've tried to do theophostic healing and it didn't go well. It

> actually made my fibromyaglia worse, bits of anger or depression

bring

> back memories then affect my marriage more negatively which I don't

> need more of since he has such little ability to control his own

> stress levels. My own mother who has a masters in socials could do

> this with me but her training teaches to stay in the here and now,

> that regression/repression has proven to be more damaging than

> helpful. I don't know what to believe all I know is that anything I

> have tried thus far doesn't work but that might be so because all

> these people needed money to walk me through it and I've never had

> enough to stay the course.

>

> I do understand what you are speaking of here because I have tried

to

> do some of it myself in the past and I have read some things on

this.

> What I have found is that my repression is so deep seated at times I

> will draw a blank and nothing will come to mind, as if my own ego

will

> not allow itself to be tapped when I am giving it permission too.

You

> are right about the term " demons " Christian churches teach that we

are

> being spiritually oppressed. That demon terminology is what brought

on

> my panic attacks. It does make more sense that it's trapped energy

> from our own experiences but even facing that is hard. I avoid

> mirrors, crying, anger etc...as if I am some bad person because I

get

> told I am either by my mother or husband or my children ( not actual

> words but they get the point across). Even my own children are

abusive

> to me. If I left those that impacted me negatively I would no longer

> have any family left, maybe my reason for feeling like I don't have

> any family. I sit here and wonder how many times I've been told by

> family and therapists that I am my own worst enemy and I honestly

> wonder if its merely the voices of others who had no control over

> their own emotions and emoted it onto me and I accepted it as my

own.

>

> Nonetheless I agree that I need to go through something as you

> mentioned, much of mine I think is grief more than depression, yet

> again I don't have a single person to do this with. Even if someone

> came forward I am not sure I would have the courage as I have spent

so

> much of life avoiding pain because I've had too much already. It

would

> take forever to find good feelings, good memories and I don't know

> why. I have lost much memory on many things.

>

> I ask you this too how can I process anything in my past when I am

> nearly unable to process what is happening right now without deep

> confusion and pain. Should I add more pain in the midst of a

> emotionally abusive marriage? Is there a name for this type of

> working through you call it? Or do you call it energy work? I am

> willing to work with someone but it is in my nature to run one of

the

> things I hate the most about myself.

>

> You mentioned something about allowing ourselves to feel hate, to

say

> it outloud as well as any other emotion and I am so stuck in this

> marriage thing all I hear almost every day is I hate you but I never

> say it. I choose this and it's hard to accept that I choose this and

> don't feel I have a way out that is without more misery on a

different

> level. I don't know if I should process now or process past but I

> have taken to heart everything you said and I am grateful you have

> posted this thank you so much. Your below statement is the one that

> really caught me! That and the one of feeling like I am feeling

> something different all the time actually being different from on

hour

> to the next held captive by triggers, It's almost like having

multiple

> personalities. All I know is I want out of the pain, out of the

> dysfunction, out of the unhealthy choices, out of the physical pain

> that has stopped my life from going forward and I need the ability

to

> allow love in my life and not fear it...as well as believe I

deserve it.

>

> > Your empathy for another are all these little you's calling

> > out " mommy " , " mommy " ....and that connection is intact.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dove, it's not at all terrible to say that you feel you need to rely on a man for support. It's all you've ever known. And that's why I can understand why that frightens you so much. You would have to rely completely and wholly upon yourself then. You probably think you'll be alone, but I tell you that none of us are EVER alone even in our struggles. Like said (such wise advice) try to find some neutral ground for awhile where you can start to untangle your thoughts, and get a clear picture of what you really want. And all things happen the way they're supposed to once you do the work in knowing exactly what you want. Things WILL work out for you, you just have to trust in the universe. Photography is an incredible healing source. I'm a photographer, and there's nothing that seems to touch me more than an incredible image. Especially if you're the one who created it! I can feel that you're a very expressive person with a lot of fire to create things. Bring that positivity back into your life my love.You have already helped others just by reaching out my dear. You have spoken their hurts and fears too. You (like put so beautifully) are a mirror, as we all are. And because you had the strength to reach out, you have already helped lift others up. Thank you for having the courage...I love you, and I'm sending you some "pick-me-up" energy. Please take care of yourself, listen to your inner self, forgive yourself, and love yourself. Namaste,Stefanie> >> > I'm giving you hugs Dove. So very many of them! I feel your pain in this> > message as clear as day.> > It feels to me that you're coming to a cross roads in your life, one> > that you've never had to face before. There's one thing that comes to my> > mind, and that's finding your connection with the source, or God again> > (which you've already stated). A constant stream of it. I think the only> > way you're going to make it there is to trust. Trust that everything is> > going to be okay. If you decide to leave your husband KNOW and TRUST> > that it WILL be OK! [] I think change might be more of a blessing> > than not. Remember too that the only constant is change. We need that to> > stay challenged and continue our growth. We're kind of like plants in> > that respect, we grow towards the light, and the only way we're going to> > do that is change. They trust they're going to get what they need, and> > they allow themselves to grow.> > > > Please remember the divine in your own heart. Sit with your pain, feel> > it, cry, build it up as high as it will go, and then.......let it go.> > Let it blow away back to the Earth like dust. It will be transformed> > into something else, and so will you.> > > > We're here for you, all of us. And we love you sister,> > Stefanie> >>

[Guest guest]

>

> ,

I forgot to check my own thread to see responses. I get a bit confused

on how threads work or how another person knows that I have responded

to their post. I am completely and utterly speechless, awed, honored,

warmed and filled with some hope all from the words that flow from

your heart. You are a beautiful writer and everything you said was so

near to how I feel it makes me feel selfish for assuming that others

could not relate or that others would want to run from such pain or

negativity. I know first hand what it's like to be around this type of

suffering and how anothers spirit can weigh you down if you are not

prepared to guard yourself.

Ugh...the doors, leading to more doors...yes not one more assault lest

I chew off the offending member and cast it away...vivid and deep but

ever true.

I don't know what to say except thank you for pouring out love to me,

your prayer and spirit. Could it be possible that nothing is going to

get through me until I find a way to open myself completely to the

pain instead of fighting it to the point nothing comes in and nothing

goes out? I told my husband today with our therapist that I was done

and with his help he explained to my husband how and why I felt this

way. I told him that with his deeds he loves me but with his lips he

hates me but it was more like shreds me into tiny pieces and burns

down the few inches of the bridge I started building again. I am too

sensitive I heard myself say and then the tears flowed like I have not

been able too. I heard myself saying, I deserve to be loved, no I

can't be happy with what I have as he suggest, No I deserve the best I

said. I deserve to be made love too, I deserve to have intelligent

conversations, I deserve to have friends, I deserve to have a

spiritual partner on the same path. I got accused of not being patient

enough and living in the past even though I have waited 7 years for

the development of this. He deserves to be happy without feeling that

someone is changing him. My therapist said that some people are happy

to live one dimensional and live in a reactive world instead of a

proactive world. I feel the need to apologize for the depth I am, for

perceiving every tiny thing going on in my relationship and wanting to

heal it before it strikes. I planned to go to my mothers even as we

are moving out now. But my husband asked our therapist what it would

take to go on antidepressants. He was told before that due to his

anger and stress issues that it would be beneficial and all the sudden

he is willing to try. I feel locked into trying once more, waiting,

hoping and yet should I put all my stock on a pill?

Does the soul really know what it needs and how do we know the

difference between the soul and the mere emotions telling us

something? Love is to be unconditional isn't it? It's as if my own

soul is saying to me, you have not listened to me, you have left me

alone and gone your own way and now I am silent and have left you to

your own pain and demise. How do we know what is the best for us?

I need to write back to everyone and I am weary this morning. Weary

from not being able to trust myself in making a wise choice for me

because I seem to only lead myself into more pain instead of out of it.

I will need to read this many times, print it out and do the things

you have asked me to do but I don't know if I can muster the hope to

envision a future of happiness and I at times am not sure what it is

that would sustain joy. Yes I know I bring pain to myself by thinking

way too much..

Bless you for what you are doing as well as everyone else. Please be

patient with me, hopefully more than I am with myself lol. I can laugh

at me too it's a good thing to have but I mean patient too in that I

am moving and taking one day a time. Yes I can go to my mothers easily

but I must help move and organize things. I usually do stay 2 days a

week there due to working for her and being so late into the night

there is no need to leave. Most of the time I find it not enough time

and I find I don't want to return home at all except to my loved pets

and my familiar ground. Those two days give me enough time to get rest

and not have to think and if it were not for that well you all would

have to come pick me up and tote me off to some looney bin lol.

Looking forward to getting on here soon to reply to everyone

else..., again...........THANK YOU!!!!! @-{------

res, so I could directly focus love to you,

> and fill you with all the intensity I can.

>

> Still, I am sitting here, deep in this thought of you. It is one of

> my " Job " moments, when I look for the skies to part, lightening to

> spread across the vastness, a whirlwind to appear, whatever God is

> surely, appear to me and explain to me things I can not yet

> compehrend. Where are my powers to make this woman whole and complete.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'm glad to see you here this morning. I've been meaning to go to bed

for a few hours now, but something was restless within me, and I

couldn't queit place what it was, till now. My last refresh of the

messages for HH, revealed your letter. So I have been sitting here for

alittle bit with it, reflecting on it.

First let me say, that, not just me, but everyone here, is here for you.

This is where " the energy " is " built & banked " . This is where it flows

to and from, when you need to take a dip into it's warm pools of light

and love. There is not one step you can take that does not have love

attached to it. There is a pool of energy that is connected to you, and

it can not be depleted.

Yes, the soul, knows exactly what you need. My dear, YOU are your

soul...it only appears to be " someplace " , or " something " else, because

of the focus outside of itself, of yourself. You are full of so much

love and compassion, that nothing can hold it back. This is the tension

you feel. What is the " real you " , desires to be completely made

manifest. You can not leave or ignore your own self. Like caught in a

daydream, your attention is being beckoned for.

Emotion... " Loves Motion " . There is nothing wrong with emotion. It is

love moving within us. It's true mission is to move outward... " to be

expressed fully " . What you are feeling, as love moves, is it pushing

against the " blockages " from within. Love knows, that to heal, to

transmute what comes to it's attention, it must change the " energy " of

what it finds there. Love releases. When we express emotions that are

not purely love, it is still love that is pushing it...if the truth be

known, we should rejoice in this movement, as it flows to the surface.

What may have been seen or felt as pain, or hate, or anger...are but

love pushing them up and out, healing them, releasing the energy. If we

take note of this, and realize this is what is happening, we can come to

a place where we don't have to engage the energy, but simply observe it.

We could smile to oursleves that we are becoming healthy, healing,

becoming whole. It is the soul's will, our will, that " we allow " it to

come to the surface...it is no longer held in the body.

If I told you to go home and cry, and in one day, you would be

completely whole, would you experience the pain and tears to get it all

out to reach that goal? If you knew this, how would that change the pain

and tears that surfaced? They would still be painful, and there would

still be tears, but, would they be happier? Would they be more welcomed

in a loving sense, because you knew the outcome?

This is what I mean about emotion...we can know that it is our soul,

" us " , who wills we be whole, and with love [moving], we push to the

surface, those things that are not love, but can be transmuted into

loving energy. That is the process of becoming whole.

It is said that we must " go within " , yet...this has a deeper meaning. We

are the soul, we are already within...it is our focus that is outside of

ourselves. When we try to look " inward " , we are doing so from an

" outside focus " . We are looking into a mirror...looking outside, at the

reflection, to try to see within, when, we are already within, looking

outside, to see a reflection. Our perception is inside out, not outside

in.

Therefore, we are truly where we want to be already. We are not on the

outside trying to get back in to our loving center, and having to go

through the layers of pain, tears, hurts, experiences and the like.

Truly, we are already at our loving center, fully empowered, fully

loved, fully aware of everything we need. It is all already taken care

of. This is what is meant by, we are already whole, already healed.

So, there is nothing to do to " be within " ...we are there...simply,

change focus...change perception. When we do that, we are already

powerful, whereas, from the other perception, we feel powerless.

Now, I must say, that both your husband and yourself have been drawn to

each other...by your souls. The soul knows what is needed. And his soul

and yours is no different at the center, for we all are the same

oversoul. As we all come closer to knowing this, we all become closer to

ourselves. Only our experience and perception is now different...that's

all.

Your relationship with your husband may have little do even do with what

you think now. It may be closer to truth that something inside of you,

is drwan to what is in him that is closer to the relationship with your

father. You crave the love and affection of that first, natural

relationship, and you attracted to lessor relationship as well, that

wasn't what you wanted with your father...together in one man, in one

relationship. The relationship reminds you both subconsciously, and now

on the conscious level. Regardless of the more personal issues with

either your father or your husband, it is a rehashing of the same

issues. This is the soul, causing the push, the movement, out of love,

but from this perception it is painful.

You can not forgive your husband, nor your father, from this perception,

that can only be done from the reverse...from within. If I may be so

bold...it is your husband who has stood up to bring attention to the

underlyin cause...the relationship with your father. I'll say that,

bring healing to that relationship, and the one with your husband

changes...will be healed, possibly faster than you can imagine.

I'm not saying your husband is aware of this, not consciously, but

subconsciously, and at the soul level, he is expressing a great amount

of love. And this is not to say, that the same thing isn't happening in

reverse, with some deeper part of you lovingly expressing in some way,

which is working to heal his own issues within.

I speak from experience when I tell you, anger and stress comes from a

place of not feeling love. Of having been abandoned, a place of having

no power. It comes from a place of trying to survive, and endure,

sometimes, things that are just too undescribable to tell about. And it

comes from trying to keep it hidden. Your husband does not need

antidepressants. He needs to be overwhelmed in so much love he's

drowning in it. Up until about 10 years ago, I could pretty much see

where your husband is...and, it's not a place anyone ever wants to

be...since then, I have experienced more love than I have ever known in

my life...and that can't help but be expressed and shared.

So, I am doing this, I am turning on the spikets and spouts full stream,

and pumping your husband full, till he's running over with all the love

I can send and focus. And I call on all my brothers and sisters here to

do the very same...drench him.

I am also sending love into your relationship. And of course, I am

sending more to you, constantly and fully.

You might try something like this...still create this space for

yourself...being at your mothers sounds like a good idea. But more than

that, have your own space even there, for just yourself...you need " you "

time, for relection and meditation. A place to let it out and cry, to

empty yourself completely, not so much from stinging words and actions

as they occur, as allowing your self to enter in from where you really

are...from your heart, and express outward...as you come up on the

things that will reveal themselves to you, put your arms around them,

around those " children " in the dark, and let them know everything is ok

now. When you come from the inside out and meet them, you have nothing

but love and complete compassion, as opposed to trying to go within

fearfully and meeting supposed demons.

And go read the first book on my profile " Living On Love " [you heard

everyone say at the same time the title, they've heard it before...lol]

I don't care if you take the time to read the whole book or not, though

you'd love it and follow up with the other three...but at least read the

last chapter or two, anout using and sending love. I've used it, and

seen it's results, and I'm still amazed at the things that happen from

using it. I can not leave the house at times because i've used it so

much and it attracts others because of the love being

emitted...sometimes I have to go hide in another room because the

animals won't leave me alone. It works. Give it to yourself, and send it

into your relationship, your husband, your writing, your healing, your

past experiences, your dad...send it everywhere.

There's a story about a man who was afraid of the water. He wouldn't

even go near it and feared it greatly. A woman, who was someone who

could read past lives was able to look back, to see a man washed up on a

beach after a shipwreck, evendently, this same man in his other life.

When she saw this, she went to help him, and he lived. As she healed and

then returned to the present time, the man was cured of his fear of the

water...and went on to become a great swimmer.

Send love into the past, and the present changes. Let love occupy your

every thought. Even if it sounds silly at first...just think " love " , say

it, think it...love, love, love, love, love....let it replace every

other thought and word. What this does is it begins to change your

focus...it starts to replace the things we tend to review and mull over

in our heads to something else. Love is a very powerful thing...and the

mere word actually changes water. Since your body is made of mostly

water...imagine the effect it can have on it. Love....simply the most

power thing...simply the most powerful word.

Try to, if not for while completely, to be at your mom's, for you, for

your own space, for at least half of the week. Then if you need to take

it full out for awhile, then your already halfway there...and as you

work with yourself, and send the love, the things at home will change.

Keep the focus on taking care of you first...for you can not go further

until the focus is readjusted. And, write. Keep writing, and do so about

the wondrful, loving happy things you can think of for now...you might

find, that the other stuff may start taking care of itself.

Whether one here writes one line or 100 lines....the love is there and

it's the same. We speak with one voice, and that voice changes with the

refreshing of the page...we love you, and, you are already whole.

With much love, and graditude for your time,

I remain............[a nut]

lol, D~

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

>

> >

> > ,

>

> I forgot to check my own thread to see responses. I get a bit confused

> on how threads work or how another person knows that I have responded

> to their post. I am completely and utterly speechless, awed, honored,

> warmed and filled with some hope all from the words that flow from

> your heart. You are a beautiful writer and everything you said was so

> near to how I feel it makes me feel selfish for assuming that others

> could not relate or that others would want to run from such pain or

> negativity. I know first hand what it's like to be around this type of

> suffering and how anothers spirit can weigh you down if you are not

> prepared to guard yourself.

>

> Ugh...the doors, leading to more doors...yes not one more assault lest

> I chew off the offending member and cast it away...vivid and deep but

> ever true.

>

> I don't know what to say except thank you for pouring out love to me,

> your prayer and spirit. Could it be possible that nothing is going to

> get through me until I find a way to open myself completely to the

> pain instead of fighting it to the point nothing comes in and nothing

> goes out? I told my husband today with our therapist that I was done

> and with his help he explained to my husband how and why I felt this

> way. I told him that with his deeds he loves me but with his lips he

> hates me but it was more like shreds me into tiny pieces and burns

> down the few inches of the bridge I started building again. I am too

> sensitive I heard myself say and then the tears flowed like I have not

> been able too. I heard myself saying, I deserve to be loved, no I

> can't be happy with what I have as he suggest, No I deserve the best I

> said. I deserve to be made love too, I deserve to have intelligent

> conversations, I deserve to have friends, I deserve to have a

> spiritual partner on the same path. I got accused of not being patient

> enough and living in the past even though I have waited 7 years for

> the development of this. He deserves to be happy without feeling that

> someone is changing him. My therapist said that some people are happy

> to live one dimensional and live in a reactive world instead of a

> proactive world. I feel the need to apologize for the depth I am, for

> perceiving every tiny thing going on in my relationship and wanting to

> heal it before it strikes. I planned to go to my mothers even as we

> are moving out now. But my husband asked our therapist what it would

> take to go on antidepressants. He was told before that due to his

> anger and stress issues that it would be beneficial and all the sudden

> he is willing to try. I feel locked into trying once more, waiting,

> hoping and yet should I put all my stock on a pill?

> Does the soul really know what it needs and how do we know the

> difference between the soul and the mere emotions telling us

> something? Love is to be unconditional isn't it? It's as if my own

> soul is saying to me, you have not listened to me, you have left me

> alone and gone your own way and now I am silent and have left you to

> your own pain and demise. How do we know what is the best for us?

> I need to write back to everyone and I am weary this morning. Weary

> from not being able to trust myself in making a wise choice for me

> because I seem to only lead myself into more pain instead of out of

it.

> I will need to read this many times, print it out and do the things

> you have asked me to do but I don't know if I can muster the hope to

> envision a future of happiness and I at times am not sure what it is

> that would sustain joy. Yes I know I bring pain to myself by thinking

> way too much..

>

> Bless you for what you are doing as well as everyone else. Please be

> patient with me, hopefully more than I am with myself lol. I can laugh

> at me too it's a good thing to have but I mean patient too in that I

> am moving and taking one day a time. Yes I can go to my mothers easily

> but I must help move and organize things. I usually do stay 2 days a

> week there due to working for her and being so late into the night

> there is no need to leave. Most of the time I find it not enough time

> and I find I don't want to return home at all except to my loved pets

> and my familiar ground. Those two days give me enough time to get rest

> and not have to think and if it were not for that well you all would

> have to come pick me up and tote me off to some looney bin lol.

>

> Looking forward to getting on here soon to reply to everyone

> else..., again...........THANK YOU!!!!! @-{------

>

>

>

>

> res, so I could directly focus love to you,

> > and fill you with all the intensity I can.

> >

> > Still, I am sitting here, deep in this thought of you. It is one of

> > my " Job " moments, when I look for the skies to part, lightening to

> > spread across the vastness, a whirlwind to appear, whatever God is

> > surely, appear to me and explain to me things I can not yet

> > compehrend. Where are my powers to make this woman whole and

complete.

> >

> >

>