New to group and in terrible TORMENT

[Guest guest]

I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know

eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised

Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my faith

and walk since my 30's.

I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for

the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am finding

myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. Every

week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip whatever it

is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my

marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after I go

home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive.

It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I say

lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only pain

and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life mostly

in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of wanting

the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only medicates me

more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I can't

seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I belong

and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I get. I

don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I

play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy come. I

feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in this

marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it led me

to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels but

have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel can't

seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from minute

to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay in

a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My kids

are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've

learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in my

daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've

tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that is

so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive.

Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my will to

stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me

roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much healing

to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just

doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in

working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help

others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants me

this.

Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write me....I

just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long I am

afraid of it, from men that is.

Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove