[Fwd: FW: Useful tips for 2006]

[Guest guest]

From:

Sayer,

Sent: Tuesday, 17 January 2006

9:03 AM

To: Lee, Jayson; Nguyen, ;

, Marilyn

Subject: FW: Useful tips for 2006

Sayer

Customer Care Representative

Virgin Superannuation

From:

Alyce Kevork

Sent: Monday, 16 January 2006 4:33

PM

To: 'Waqar Khalid'; 'Sayer, '

Subject: FW: Useful tips for 2006

> > Before attempting to

remove stubborn stains from a garment, always

> > circle the stain

in permanent pen, so that when you remove the

> > garment

>

> > from the washing

machine you can easily locate the area of the stain

> > and check that it

has gone.

> >

> > Don't waste money

buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to

> > the object you

wish to view.

> >

> > Always poo at

work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,

> > but you'll also be

getting paid for it.

> >

> > Weight watchers.

Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a

> > chocolate bar in

the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king

> > thing in the first

place, you fat b*stard.

> >

> > Recreate the fun

of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home

> > by filling the bath

with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

> > then urinating

into it, before jumping in.

> >

> > Anorexics. When

your knees become fatter than your legs, start

> > eating cake again.

> >

> > An empty aluminium

cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

> > inexpensive

vibrator.

> >

> > Olympic athletes.

Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by

> > running a bit

slower.

> >

> > Smokers. Save on

matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next

> > fag from the butt

of your last one.

> >

> > Vegetarians coming

to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak

> > or

>

> > veal. Since

they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

> > substitute etc

'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know

> > the difference.

> >

> > Invited by

vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no

> > doubt

>

> > be made aware of

their special dietary requirements, tell them about

> > yours, and ask for

a nice steak.

> >

> > High blood pressure

sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a

> > while, thus

reducing the pressure in your veins.

> >

> > Heavy smokers.

Don't throw away those filters from the end of your

> > cigarettes. Save

them up and within a few years you'll have enough

> > to insulate your

roof.

> >

> > Corsa drivers.

Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car

> > before starting a

long journey. You drive the things like dodgems

> > anyway, so it may

as well look like one.

> >

> > A mouse trap

placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you

> > from rolling over

and going back to sleep.

> >

> > Fool next door

into thinking you have more stairs than them by

> > banging

>

> > your feet twice on

each stair.

> >

> > At supermarket

checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next

> > customer Please'

sign for dyslexic shoppers.

> >

> > Girls. Don't worry

about a nice dress for that important first date.

> > All he's

interested in is seeing you starkers.

> >

> > Putting just the

right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

> > fishes' eyes bulge

and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

> >

> > Avoid parking

tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to

> > 'fast wipe'

whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

> >

> > Housewives. I find

the best way to get two bottles of washing-up

> > liquid for the

price of one is by putting one in your shopping

> > trolley

>

> > and the other in

your coat pocket.

> >

> > Don't invite drug

addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may

> > find the offer of

cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

>

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