Re: New to group and in terrible TORMENT <>

[Guest guest]

You are such a good big brother and friend, may Dove(Suz) feel your healing words, your compassion and all of our prayers.

Love, Light and Peace,

Debbie> >> > I joined this group through meeting Rak in myspace. We don't know> > eachother real well but I am on a spiritual quest. I was raised> > Catholic then converted to non denom and have struggled with my > faith> > and walk since my 30's. > > I could go into detail of what is going on my life and has been for> > the past 18 years but I won't do that right now. Tonight I am > finding> > myself in a crisis. Each crisis seems to more painful the next. > Every> > week I go through periods of such inner pain I want to rip > whatever it> > is out of me. I see a therapist and it helps but it's mostly for my> > marriage. I do get much benefit from seeing this person but after > I go> > home to my reality I must move into heavy denial to survive. > > It's hard to believe I know but I've been an empath all my life. I > say> > lately that I've lost my gift but I know that can't happen only > pain> > and disconnection cover it up. I've had a rich spiritual life > mostly> > in my youth. Tonight I am crying out to God in a crossroad of > wanting> > the inner torture to end. Do I go to a hospital that only > medicates me> > more do I come online and try to move into the inner fog that I > can't> > seem to control when I want too. I don't know who I am, where I > belong> > and what my path to take is. The more I search the more lost I > get. I> > don't feel safe, I can't feel love on any deep level except when I> > play my christian music then the spirit opens and tears of joy > come. I> > feel like maybe my soul is telling me I should never have been in > this> > marriage but I long ago stopped trusting my inner voice when it > led me> > to destruction so many times. I know I love myself on some levels > but> > have far to go. I'm so scared, the fear is terrible, and I feel > can't> > seem a floor under me. Does anyone know what it's like to from > minute> > to minute to not know if your going to fall, or if you should stay > in> > a marriage and if you don't how you will provide for yourself? My > kids> > are all gone now and I've never felt such fear in my life. I've> > learned to supress the panic attacks....I don't have any friend in > my> > daily life except a male friend who I can't get too close too. l've> > tried church and it never works out, I live with chronic pain that > is> > so unbearable it takes much disconnection to survive. > > > > Can anyone please pray for me..........please before I lose my > will to> > stay here, or my ability to function at all. Codeine does make me> > roller coaster and I have to remember this but I have so much > healing> > to do. I am ready to stop blaming me, forgive and I do but it just> > doesn't seem to be giving me a break through. I want my gifts in> > working order, my talents, my life dream back, the ability to help> > others and gift them with love true love....everything in me wants > me> > this.> > > > Thank you for listening and if anyone is up now please write > me....I> > just need a hug I don't get any affection and haven't for so long > I am> > afraid of it, from men that is. > > > > Thank you and blessings upon you, Dove> >>