Re: THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF

[Guest guest]

Dearest Liane,

Always such helpful posts from you, my dear! It is true,

grieving losses are not just when someone is not physically there

with you. It is also loss of pets, job changes, etc...You are so

wonderful for sharing this. My Dad went home in July 2003 and I have

the blessed gift of being able to " feel " him and communicate with

him, but it is still a struggle at times to not be able to hug him in

the physical sense. I thank you for these stages. I still go thru

them, for I have as you may have seen in my posts, not sure, I have

lost 13 of my beloved family members, including 3 cats. It was a

challenging road and sometimes I hit those speed bumps but your post

is wonderful. It reminds so much of the wonderful lady

Kubler-Ross. Her wisdom is so immense and I also feel that yours is

too, *warm smile of appreication and bow of respect* Namaste, LUNA

>

> Continuing the journey

>

> THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF

>

> [Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket]

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> Although I personally feel that there can be different stages of

grief,

> I also feel as I have said else where, that the best use for stages

is

> for training of counselors or grief workers. However to show that

there

> can be many different stages that we can go through individually I

will

> include some below, I say some because I am sure that because grief

can

> be individual,more could be added, Jealousy for example

>

> DEFENSE

>

> The bereaved may be part of a family where the stiff upper lip is a

> matter of pride, and that can be used either consciously or

> unconsciously as a method of defense against hurt. " People don’t

> cry in our family " , People who show the least emotion in the first

> weeks, are usually the one's who will be more disturbed three

months or

> more later. You can postpone grief by denial, and the use of

defenses

> and medication, but sooner or later grief will break through, and

> delayed grief can be a lot worse than it might have been.

>

> DENIAL

>

> Another form of defense, but one that does not allow any of the

other

> stages even to begin. " No it was not him, he has just gone away for

a

> while that’s all " . Denial though can also be a needed and helpful

> defense if it is a time that the bereaved need, possibly to gather

the

> strength that they may need to cope with their grief. So the

breaking

> down of this like any of the different stages, need to be, and

should

> always be very carefully considered. What is to long for us might

not be

> for the client. Breaking down barriers to move onto other stages

can be

> very unhealthy for the bereaved if they are not ready to move on.

This

> is an area where a properly trained bereavement counselor could come

> into their own. For me if you do not have this training breaking

down

> any barrier should not even be considered.

>

> SELF

>

> This is a stage that could be used if a client is stuck in denial

in an

> unhealthy manner. It is possible that a client may need to look at

> themselves to look at what their weaknesses and strengths are. They

> could then look at what they may need to do to strengthen

themselves to

> cope with the grief to come; this might include the presence of a

> counselor in the short term.

>

> NEW SELF

>

> This stage can include the new stronger person that no longer has to

> deny their grief, and the new person that we can sometimes become

after

> bereavement. For example, life could now be seen as being for

living,

> instead of saving for a rainy day.

>

> SILENCE

>

> There can be long periods of silences from the bereaved, times when

they

> just want to be quite and left to their own thoughts. As long as

this is

> a healthy silence, not lasting to long, days after days, then this

can

> be a very useful period of contemplation for the bereaved.

Unfortunately

> it is also true that people don’t like silences, so people do

> sometimes try to break this contemplation because they feel that

they

> should be talking about it and not being quite.

>

> ISOLATION

>

> A stage that can come on its own " I just want to be on my own for a

> while " . This can be a difficult time for relatives, friends, who are

> trying to rally around and be there for the bereaved as well as

coping

> with their own feelings. It can also be a difficult time for the

> bereaved, who know people are trying to be there for them, so

> don’t want to hurt them. But at the same time just want to be on

> their own for a while, for its own sake or because no one will just

sit

> in silence with them when they just want to be quite . Isolation

needs

> to be watched however , so that it does not go on for so long

that

> the bereaved can find themselves stuck in this stage.

>

> ANGRY PHASE

>

> The angry phase of grieving of can take many forms, and can strike

out

> in any direction, directions that can later make the bereaved feel

> guilty, and angry about their own emotional outbursts. For

example, " How

> dare they die before l got there " However these feelings of anger

> frequently indicate that the grieving and healing process is

underway,

> this is because it signals the fact that the loss is being faced and

> excepted instead of denied. The one thing about the bereaved letting

> these feelings out is that they usually begin to feel better once

these

> feelings are out in the open. Because of this a bereavement

counselor

> needs to be ready to listen to these feelings of anger, openly and

with

> understanding.

>

> GUILTY PHASE

>

> Someone who is feeling guilty may need to describe in detail all of

the

> things that make them feel guilty, maybe something they feel they

should

> or should not have done or said. After airing these feelings can

come

> reassurance. All of us need comfort when we mourn, but we need to

> remember that comforting words spoken prematurely can go right over

the

> heads of the bereaved, and even worse they could send a message

that we

> feel the grieving should now end, they have been comforted so

> don’t need to talk about it any more. So as always with

> bereavement caution needs to be taken with our words. Guilty

feeling are

> almost inevitable in the presence of loss, whatever the situation

in one

> way or another we are apt to blame ourselves, " What if " " If only "

> " Maybe " . These are natural feelings that need to be aired.

> Alan@2000

> Grief stage 2:

>

> RELIGIOUS GUILT

>

> Deeply religious people are often troubled because they can find

> themselves raving at God for taking away their loved one's, and then

> fearing divine displeasure for the blasphemy of hating him, and not

> trusting him to know best. They may need reassuring that God

understands

> their feeling, and still loves them. I have found that Lamentations

has

> some helpful words here.

>

> LAMENTATIONS 3:32 " But though he causes grief, yet will he have

> compassion according to his mercies " . Is one of many that may

give

> helpful words.

>

> THE DEATH

>

> Can be seen as a stage all of its own, one that may to be gone over

and

> through a number of times, " What happened? " " Were " " Why? " " How " .

What

> their immediate feeling were?, and what their feeling about the

death

> are now?, and possibly what they fear will happen to them because

of the

> death.

>

> EXPECTED PAIN

>

> I have found that it is not unusual for the bereaved to feel that

the

> pain they are feeling is not enough. That they should be hurting

more

> than they are or did, because the person who died was/is so very

> important to them. This could be true, feeling need to be listened

to

> because they may be telling us something important. I have also

found

> however that invariably that the amount of pain the bereaved feel

that

> they should have cannot be measured. And that there is usually no

idea

> of what the right amount of pain should be, or how long it should

last.

>

> SHOULD

>

> Something l have always found in bereavement is that there is

always a

> number of should's, " I should feel this " " I should feel that " " I

should

> not be feeling that " " I should have done this or that " . I feel that

> this is a barrier that needs to be looked at, this is because

should's

> are other peoples rules' or rules that we feel other people expect

of

> us. This is something that could be pointed out as a way of freeing

the

> bereaved, so that they can give themselves permission to feel their

own

> feelings about their own grief, and that what they feel is not

wrong.

> After all if you are counseling someone do you want to hear their

> feelings, or the feelings that they feel are expected of them by

someone

> else.

>

> PERMISSION

>

> This is something that can be a phase/stage in its own right, and

may

> also be something needed to move into and out of the various

stages. An

> example of this maybe giving yourself permission to stop feeling

guilty,

> and its right to cry so l can let the tears out. As a stage of its

own,

> it is one that sometime could be spent in as it could involve the

> bereaved giving themselves permission to move on with life. " Its all

> right to move on l don’t have to stay in pain anymore " . Because

> of this it could possibly be one of the more important stages, it

could

> mean the bereaved giving themselves permission to live on without a

> loved one.

>

> PREPARATION

>

> As l feel preparation can be taken to a stage that can be unhelpful

for

> the bereaved, in that it could help or hinder the grieving process,

l am

> listing it as a stage in its own right. When a death is expected,

the

> bereaved to be can prepare themselves in some ways that are

helpful. For

> example, making sure that they say something that they feel needs

> saying, maybe " I love you " Preparing can also be done especially if

the

> person dying is in pain, and they want to be at peace, " They are

free

> now " . I do feel however that there is a danger of being to prepared

here

> though. So prepared that the expected level of pain is not reached,

> causing all sorts problems and confusion , including " I should be

> hurting more "

>

> EMPTINESS

>

> This is a stage that is frequently experienced by the bereaved,

> especially when they were particularly close to the person who has

died.

> It is not unusual to hear someone say " I just feel empty inside "

and " It

> feels like part of me has gone " . As with all of the different

stages of

> grief , the bereaved need to be allowed the time to go this stage

in

> their own time and in their own way. Trying to fill this space even

in a

> well intentioned way by for example saying, " Think of all the good

> memories and fill the space with them " , before the bereaved are

ready to

> do this could be harmful for a number of reasons. These include

stopping

> them grieving in the way that is best for them, and sending a

message to

> them that YOU think the way they are grieving is wrong, so you will

no

> longer listen to them, because they are not doing something that

would

> help themselves. It is because of reasons like these that trying to

> shortcut any stage of grief, even if only temporarily, needs to be

only

> considered as a final resort. And then only when someone is going

> through a bereavement in a very unhealthy way. Maybe they have

stopped

> eating because they need to stay empty, and the emptiness cannot be

> filled because the person who has died cannot be replaced. Or they

could

> be keeping feelings locked away inside because they cannot let the

pain

> out, because they need the pain to grieve properly. These actions

can

> then in turn cause extreme amounts of stress, which in turn can then

> cause health problems, and sometimes serious health problems, for

> example heart trouble.

>

> One of the main reasons I have include grief stages in the group is

> because we can go through many different feelings and thoughts

during

> grief, some we can sometimes feel to be wrong, the truth is none of

them

> are, it is just us grieving in the best way for us

>

> Alan@2000

>

> ANGER:

>

> http://communities.msn.co.uk/AngerManagementGroup

>

>

>

> Which can be found under msn's support groups or for the

ones

> showed under as well.Till we can start running our own

> support groups. []

>

> ANGER, STRESS, AND COPING WITH PROVOCATION

>

> Among the many feelings that we experience, anger is one of the most

> complex and confusing. Anger is a powerful emotion - it gets

> people’s attention and it can mobilize us to deal with problem

> situations. On the other hand, anger can be a disruptive and

> destructive force in its effects on ourselves and others. Because

anger

> can have harmful effects, we must learn how to manage this emotion

and

> the thoughts and behaviors connected with it.

>

> At some point in your life, someone probably told you to control

your

> anger. You may have wondered, when you were given this advice, how

you

> were supposed to do that. One age-old suggestion is to hold your

breath

> and count to ten. But this can be a little like putting a lid on a

pot

> of boiling water. It makes much more sense to turn the heat down

or to

> take the pot off the fire.

>

> Anger management does not mean suppressing your anger, keeping a

tight

> lid on it. Nor does it mean denying that you are angry, pretending

that

> it does not exist, and avoiding the problem or situation that has

> triggered you to become angry. What it does mean is knowing how to

> prevent and regulate anger. It means learning how to not get angry

in

> the first place and how to keep it at moderate levels of intensity

when

> it is aroused. Most importantly, it means knowing how to take

> constructive action to resolve problems and conflicts.

>

> In order to control and regulate anger, you must first understand

it.

> The more that you know about your own anger, the easier it will be

to

> control it. This manual is designed to teach you some important

things

> about anger, to help you understand your personal anger patterns,

and to

> present a number of effective strategies or coping skills for

dealing

> with anger problems. No matter how troublesome your problems with

anger

> have been, you can learn how to “defuse†anger reactions

> and thereby improve your health, your job performance, and your

personal

> relationships.

>

> WHAT IS ANGER?

>

> Anger is a feeling, an emotion. It is different from aggression,

which

> is an action that is intended to cause injury, harm, or damage.

Being

> angry is not the same as being aggressive or violent. Anger can

lead to

> aggression, but feelings are different from actions. When you

become

> angry, you lose your patience, jack-up your blood pressure, and

want to

> act on impulse. Sometimes you will say or do things that you later

> regret. But becoming angry can also give you strength,

determination,

> and even satisfaction. It can keep you going when things get

tough.

> Therefore, anger can have good as well as bad effects. In learning

how

> to regulate anger, you must learn how to minimize the negative

effects

> and to maximize the positive ones. To understand this better,

there are

> some useful things to know about the functions of anger - that is,

the

> ways in which it affects our behavior.

>

> Positive Functions of ANGER:

>

> · Anger is an energizer. It can give us strength and

> determination, mobilizing the body’s resources for self-defense

> and providing stamina for dealing with difficult circumstances. It

can

> help us deal with conflict by providing fuel for the fight.

>

> · Anger is a signal or cue. It tells us something about us,

> other people and situations. It can be a sign that something

unjust,

> abusive, or threatening is happening. In this sense, it can serve

as a

> cue that it is time to use stress coping skills.

>

> · Anger can also be a way to express tension and to

communicate

> negative feelings to others. Sometimes things stay bottled-up

until we

> get angry. The constructive expression of anger is an important

way to

> resolve conflict especially in one’s personal relationships.

>

> The arousal of anger also potentates a feeling of control. It can

> create a sense of being in charge of a situation. Anger can help us

> feel like we are taking control of a problem. However, this does

not

> necessarily mean that we are doing something to solve the problem.

>

> Negative Functions of Anger

>

> - Anger can have a disruptive effect on our thoughts and

behavior.

> It interferes with our ability to think clearly and inclines us to

act

> on impulse without good judgment. If you do something because you

are

> angry, it is often something that you later regret.

>

> - Sometimes anger is used like a defensive barrier. When we get

> hurt or embarrassed, we can get angry as a way to protect our

pride.

> Anger is an externalizing force - it says “There’s nothing

> wrong with me; the problem is you, not me.†We sometimes get

> angry to keep from feeling hurt.

>

> - There is a connection between anger and aggression. Anger

can

> instigate or lead to aggression. When we become angry, the

emotional

> force can drive us to act out our feelings, as if to discharge or

> release them. We can get angry and then try to take it out on

someone

> or something.

>

> - Becoming angry is sometimes a way to promote an impression or

> image of ourselves to others. It can be a kind of social role. At

> times, we show our anger because we want others to see us in a

certain

> way. Demonstrating anger becomes a way of building a social

identity or

> reputation.

>

> You can see that anger has many effects on how we think and how

we act.

> It is very important to remember the difference between anger and

> aggression. Anger is a feeling to which you are usually entitled.

> Aggression is an action that causes harm. Being upset is one thing;

> hurting someone is a different matter. Anger need not result in

> aggression or doing harm to someone. When you learn how to express

> anger constructively, it can lead to positive, beneficial outcomes.

>

> On the other hand, anger can be a disturbing force. It is

physically

> upsetting. It involves a strong physiological arousal; when

prolonged

> or too frequent it can have detrimental effects on your health.

Besides

> being an antagonistic reaction that can lead to harmful actions,

anger

> interferes with your ability to deal with difficult situations. In

many

> situations, anger not only is unproductive, it can be your worst

enemy.

> Anger often amounts to a self-imposed handicap.

>

> Because anger does have some positive aspects, you might not always

> recognize when it has become a problem for you. There are several

> characteristics of anger reactions which indicated that anger has

become

> a problem. These aspects of anger are its frequency, intensity,

> duration and form of expression.

>

> When is Anger a Problem?

>

> When it is too frequent. Some things would make anybody angry, but

when

> routine situations and minor things are making you angry, it’s

> probably happening too often. Sometimes it is very understandable

that

> you get angry. For example, if someone were to steal or damage

> something that you worked hard to get or if someone were to abuse or

> mistreat a person whom you loved, anger is normal and appropriate.

> However, there are many times when you get angry when it is not

> necessary, appropriate or useful - for example when things don’t

> go exactly as you’d like or when you jump to conclusions about

> another person.

>

> High levels of anger are also a stress on the body. During anger,

your

> blood pressure rises, the heart beats faster, blood sugar increases

and

> muscles become more tense. Anger mobilizes the body. But when this

> mobilization serves no physical purpose, it causes unnecessary wear

and

> tear on the system. This is especially true if anger occurs

frequently

> and at high intensity.

>

> When it lasts too long.

>

> The duration of anger can also be a problem. When you make too

much of

> something and relive it over and over in your mind, anger interferes

> with your work and your enjoyment of life. It also then becomes

easier

> to get angry all over again when something else goes wrong.

>

> When your anger is prolonged, your body’s systems are prevented

> from returning to normal levels, thus continuing to cause wear and

tear.

> The main way that anger is prolonged is that you remind yourself

about

> the things that upset you. By continuing to dwell on negative

> experiences, repeating them in your mind, you remain aggravated.

Your

> memories, your attention, and the things that you say to yourself

have a

> lot to do with how long you stay angry, once you do get angry.

>

> When it leads to aggression.

>

> As you well know, aggressive acts get you in trouble, in addition

to

> hurting someone else. When you feel abused or treated unfairly, you

> might want to lash out at the person who offended you. Anger,

> particularly when it is intense, pulls for an aggressive response.

Your

> muscles become tense, the volume of your voice becomes louder, and

you

> do things like clench your fists and stare sharply. During these

> moments there is a tendency to act on impulse. That is, you might

> pop-off before you think of the consequences to others and to

yourself.

>

> Wanting to clobber somebody and actually doing it are two different

> things. But sometimes you might jump all over someone who has

offended

> you because it is the only way you know how to act. Verbal

aggression,

> like calling someone nasty names, and physical aggression, like

> punching, smacking or pushing are ineffective ways of dealing with

> conflict. They hurt other people and have a way of backfiring on

you.

>

> Summary: Problem Characteristics of Anger

>

> Anger is a problem when it is too frequent, when it is too intense,

when

> it lasts too long, and when it leads to aggression. These aspects

of

> anger are problematic because of the harmful effects they have.

>

> When anger interferes with doing a good job or makes it hard for

people

> to relate to us, then it starts to have a high cost. It can

prevent you

> from concentrating on your work, cause you to make mistakes, and

keep

> you from being satisfied with your job. Anger pushes people away

and

> makes it difficult for them to like you. Anger is the opposite of

> appreciation. When it is repeatedly directed at your family and

> friends, it not only hurts those whom you love, it reduces their

> interest in being supportive of you.

>

> In addition to these bad effects on your personal relationships and

your

> work performance, anger has harmful effects on your health.

Because it

> involves the activation of many physical arousal systems, anger

causes

> strain on your body. Recent scientific studies have found that

> recurrent anger contributes to a number of serious illnesses,

including

> heart disease and hypertension.

>

> Goals.

>

> At this point you might be wondering if learning how to control your

> anger means that the aim of this program is to make you into a

wimp, a

> softie or a pushover. There is nothing further from the truth. The

> approach to anger control described in this manual is aimed at

making

> you more effective, not less effective.

>

> Don’t confuse anger with getting things done. Anger is often

> misused as a way to solve problems. We seem to think that if we

shout

> loud enough, then the other person will do what we want. Anger is

an

> easy way to assert ourselves, trying to take charge of a situation.

>

> Anger management does not mean bottling it up with a tight lid. It

does

> not mean making believe nothing is bothering you, nor does it mean

being

> anybody’s patsy or punching bag. What it does mean is several

> important things:

>

> - Learning how to not get angry when it is self-defeating

>

> - Keeping anger at moderate levels of intensity when it does

occur

>

> - Expressing anger constructively towards others

>

> - Using effective problem-solving strategies to change problem

> situations.

>

> You can be composed, direct, and firm without your anger being out

of

> control. This will enable you to be better in dealing with

situations

> that cause anger. Having the ability to control your anger means

that

> you will be more powerful.

>