THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF

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Continuing the journey THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF

Although I personally feel that there can be different stages of grief, I also feel as I have said else where, that the best use for stages is for training of counselors or grief workers. However to show that there can be many different stages that we can go through individually I will include some below, I say some because I am sure that because grief can be individual,more could be added, Jealousy for example DEFENSE The bereaved may be part of a family where the stiff upper lip is a matter of pride, and that can be used either consciously or unconsciously as a method of defense against hurt. "People don’t cry in our family", People who show the least emotion in the first weeks, are usually the one's who will be more disturbed three months or more later. You can postpone grief by denial, and the use of defenses and medication, but sooner or later grief will break through, and delayed grief can be a lot worse than it might have been. DENIAL Another form of defense, but one that does not allow any of the other stages even to begin. "No it was not him, he has just gone away for a while that’s all". Denial though can also be a needed and helpful defense if it is a time that the bereaved need, possibly to gather the strength that they may need to cope with their grief. So the breaking down of this like any of the different stages, need to be, and should always be very carefully considered. What is to long for us might not be for the client. Breaking down barriers to move onto other stages can be very unhealthy for the bereaved if they are not ready to move on. This is an area where a properly trained bereavement counselor could come into their own. For me if you do not have this training breaking down any barrier should not even be considered. SELF This is a stage that could be used if a client is stuck in denial in an unhealthy manner. It is possible that a client may need to look at themselves to look at what their weaknesses and strengths are. They could then look at what they may need to do to strengthen themselves to cope with the grief to come; this might include the presence of a counselor in the short term. NEW SELF This stage can include the new stronger person that no longer has to deny their grief, and the new person that we can sometimes become after bereavement. For example, life could now be seen as being for living, instead of saving for a rainy day. SILENCE There can be long periods of silences from the bereaved, times when they just want to be quite and left to their own thoughts. As long as this is a healthy silence, not lasting to long, days after days, then this can be a very useful period of contemplation for the bereaved. Unfortunately it is also true that people don’t like silences, so people do sometimes try to break this contemplation because they feel that they should be talking about it and not being quite. ISOLATION A stage that can come on its own " I just want to be on my own for a while". This can be a difficult time for relatives, friends, who are trying to rally around and be there for the bereaved as well as coping with their own feelings. It can also be a difficult time for the bereaved, who know people are trying to be there for them, so don’t want to hurt them. But at the same time just want to be on their own for a while, for its own sake or because no one will just sit in silence with them when they just want to be quite . Isolation needs to be watched however , so that it does not go on for so long that the bereaved can find themselves stuck in this stage. ANGRY PHASE The angry phase of grieving of can take many forms, and can strike out in any direction, directions that can later make the bereaved feel guilty, and angry about their own emotional outbursts. For example, "How dare they die before l got there" However these feelings of anger frequently indicate that the grieving and healing process is underway, this is because it signals the fact that the loss is being faced and excepted instead of denied. The one thing about the bereaved letting these feelings out is that they usually begin to feel better once these feelings are out in the open. Because of this a bereavement counselor needs to be ready to listen to these feelings of anger, openly and with understanding. GUILTY PHASE Someone who is feeling guilty may need to describe in detail all of the things that make them feel guilty, maybe something they feel they should or should not have done or said. After airing these feelings can come reassurance. All of us need comfort when we mourn, but we need to remember that comforting words spoken prematurely can go right over the heads of the bereaved, and even worse they could send a message that we feel the grieving should now end, they have been comforted so don’t need to talk about it any more. So as always with bereavement caution needs to be taken with our words. Guilty feeling are almost inevitable in the presence of loss, whatever the situation in one way or another we are apt to blame ourselves, "What if" "If only" "Maybe". These are natural feelings that need to be aired.Alan@2000 Grief stage 2: RELIGIOUS GUILT Deeply religious people are often troubled because they can find themselves raving at God for taking away their loved one's, and then fearing divine displeasure for the blasphemy of hating him, and not trusting him to know best. They may need reassuring that God understands their feeling, and still loves them. I have found that Lamentations has some helpful words here. LAMENTATIONS 3:32 "But though he causes grief, yet will he have compassion according to his mercies". Is one of many that may give helpful words. THE DEATH Can be seen as a stage all of its own, one that may to be gone over and through a number of times, "What happened?" "Were" "Why?" "How ". What their immediate feeling were?, and what their feeling about the death are now?, and possibly what they fear will happen to them because of the death. EXPECTED PAIN I have found that it is not unusual for the bereaved to feel that the pain they are feeling is not enough. That they should be hurting more than they are or did, because the person who died was/is so very important to them. This could be true, feeling need to be listened to because they may be telling us something important. I have also found however that invariably that the amount of pain the bereaved feel that they should have cannot be measured. And that there is usually no idea of what the right amount of pain should be, or how long it should last. SHOULD Something l have always found in bereavement is that there is always a number of should's, "I should feel this" "I should feel that" "I should not be feeling that" " I should have done this or that". I feel that this is a barrier that needs to be looked at, this is because should's are other peoples rules' or rules that we feel other people expect of us. This is something that could be pointed out as a way of freeing the bereaved, so that they can give themselves permission to feel their own feelings about their own grief, and that what they feel is not wrong. After all if you are counseling someone do you want to hear their feelings, or the feelings that they feel are expected of them by someone else. PERMISSION This is something that can be a phase/stage in its own right, and may also be something needed to move into and out of the various stages. An example of this maybe giving yourself permission to stop feeling guilty, and its right to cry so l can let the tears out. As a stage of its own, it is one that sometime could be spent in as it could involve the bereaved giving themselves permission to move on with life. "Its all right to move on l don’t have to stay in pain anymore". Because of this it could possibly be one of the more important stages, it could mean the bereaved giving themselves permission to live on without a loved one. PREPARATION As l feel preparation can be taken to a stage that can be unhelpful for the bereaved, in that it could help or hinder the grieving process, l am listing it as a stage in its own right. When a death is expected, the bereaved to be can prepare themselves in some ways that are helpful. For example, making sure that they say something that they feel needs saying, maybe "I love you" Preparing can also be done especially if the person dying is in pain, and they want to be at peace, "They are free now". I do feel however that there is a danger of being to prepared here though. So prepared that the expected level of pain is not reached, causing all sorts problems and confusion , including "I should be hurting more" EMPTINESS This is a stage that is frequently experienced by the bereaved, especially when they were particularly close to the person who has died. It is not unusual to hear someone say "I just feel empty inside" and "It feels like part of me has gone". As with all of the different stages of grief , the bereaved need to be allowed the time to go this stage in their own time and in their own way. Trying to fill this space even in a well intentioned way by for example saying, "Think of all the good memories and fill the space with them", before the bereaved are ready to do this could be harmful for a number of reasons. These include stopping them grieving in the way that is best for them, and sending a message to them that YOU think the way they are grieving is wrong, so you will no longer listen to them, because they are not doing something that would help themselves. It is because of reasons like these that trying to shortcut any stage of grief, even if only temporarily, needs to be only considered as a final resort. And then only when someone is going through a bereavement in a very unhealthy way. Maybe they have stopped eating because they need to stay empty, and the emptiness cannot be filled because the person who has died cannot be replaced. Or they could be keeping feelings locked away inside because they cannot let the pain out, because they need the pain to grieve properly. These actions can then in turn cause extreme amounts of stress, which in turn can then cause health problems, and sometimes serious health problems, for example heart trouble. One of the main reasons I have include grief stages in the group is because we can go through many different feelings and thoughts during grief, some we can sometimes feel to be wrong, the truth is none of them are, it is just us grieving in the best way for us Alan@2000 ANGER:http://communities.msn.co.uk/AngerManagementGroup Which can be found under msn's support groups or for the ones showed under as well.Till we can start running our own support groups.ANGER, STRESS, AND COPING WITH PROVOCATIONAmong the many feelings that we experience, anger is one of the most complex and confusing. Anger is a powerful emotion - it gets people’s attention and it can mobilize us to deal with problem situations. On the other hand, anger can be a disruptive and destructive force in its effects on ourselves and others. Because anger can have harmful effects, we must learn how to manage this emotion and the thoughts and behaviors connected with it. At some point in your life, someone probably told you to control your anger. You may have wondered, when you were given this advice, how you were supposed to do that. One age-old suggestion is to hold your breath and count to ten. But this can be a little like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water. It makes much more sense to turn the heat down or to take the pot off the fire.Anger management does not mean suppressing your anger, keeping a tight lid on it. Nor does it mean denying that you are angry, pretending that it does not exist, and avoiding the problem or situation that has triggered you to become angry. What it does mean is knowing how to prevent and regulate anger. It means learning how to not get angry in the first place and how to keep it at moderate levels of intensity when it is aroused. Most importantly, it means knowing how to take constructive action to resolve problems and conflicts.In order to control and regulate anger, you must first understand it. The more that you know about your own anger, the easier it will be to control it. This manual is designed to teach you some important things about anger, to help you understand your personal anger patterns, and to present a number of effective strategies or coping skills for dealing with anger problems. No matter how troublesome your problems with anger have been, you can learn how to “defuse†anger reactions and thereby improve your health, your job performance, and your personal relationships.WHAT IS ANGER?Anger is a feeling, an emotion. It is different from aggression, which is an action that is intended to cause injury, harm, or damage. Being angry is not the same as being aggressive or violent. Anger can lead to aggression, but feelings are different from actions. When you become angry, you lose your patience, jack-up your blood pressure, and want to act on impulse. Sometimes you will say or do things that you later regret. But becoming angry can also give you strength, determination, and even satisfaction. It can keep you going when things get tough. Therefore, anger can have good as well as bad effects. In learning how to regulate anger, you must learn how to minimize the negative effects and to maximize the positive ones. To understand this better, there are some useful things to know about the functions of anger - that is, the ways in which it affects our behavior.Positive Functions of ANGER:· Anger is an energizer. It can give us strength and determination, mobilizing the body’s resources for self-defense and providing stamina for dealing with difficult circumstances. It can help us deal with conflict by providing fuel for the fight.· Anger is a signal or cue. It tells us something about us, other people and situations. It can be a sign that something unjust, abusive, or threatening is happening. In this sense, it can serve as a cue that it is time to use stress coping skills.· Anger can also be a way to express tension and to communicate negative feelings to others. Sometimes things stay bottled-up until we get angry. The constructive expression of anger is an important way to resolve conflict especially in one’s personal relationships.The arousal of anger also potentates a feeling of control. It can create a sense of being in charge of a situation. Anger can help us feel like we are taking control of a problem. However, this does not necessarily mean that we are doing something to solve the problem.Negative Functions of Anger- Anger can have a disruptive effect on our thoughts and behavior. It interferes with our ability to think clearly and inclines us to act on impulse without good judgment. If you do something because you are angry, it is often something that you later regret.- Sometimes anger is used like a defensive barrier. When we get hurt or embarrassed, we can get angry as a way to protect our pride. Anger is an externalizing force - it says “There’s nothing wrong with me; the problem is you, not me.†We sometimes get angry to keep from feeling hurt.- There is a connection between anger and aggression. Anger can instigate or lead to aggression. When we become angry, the emotional force can drive us to act out our feelings, as if to discharge or release them. We can get angry and then try to take it out on someone or something.- Becoming angry is sometimes a way to promote an impression or image of ourselves to others. It can be a kind of social role. At times, we show our anger because we want others to see us in a certain way. Demonstrating anger becomes a way of building a social identity or reputation. You can see that anger has many effects on how we think and how we act. It is very important to remember the difference between anger and aggression. Anger is a feeling to which you are usually entitled. Aggression is an action that causes harm. Being upset is one thing; hurting someone is a different matter. Anger need not result in aggression or doing harm to someone. When you learn how to express anger constructively, it can lead to positive, beneficial outcomes. On the other hand, anger can be a disturbing force. It is physically upsetting. It involves a strong physiological arousal; when prolonged or too frequent it can have detrimental effects on your health. Besides being an antagonistic reaction that can lead to harmful actions, anger interferes with your ability to deal with difficult situations. In many situations, anger not only is unproductive, it can be your worst enemy. Anger often amounts to a self-imposed handicap.Because anger does have some positive aspects, you might not always recognize when it has become a problem for you. There are several characteristics of anger reactions which indicated that anger has become a problem. These aspects of anger are its frequency, intensity, duration and form of expression.When is Anger a Problem?When it is too frequent. Some things would make anybody angry, but when routine situations and minor things are making you angry, it’s probably happening too often. Sometimes it is very understandable that you get angry. For example, if someone were to steal or damage something that you worked hard to get or if someone were to abuse or mistreat a person whom you loved, anger is normal and appropriate. However, there are many times when you get angry when it is not necessary, appropriate or useful - for example when things don’t go exactly as you’d like or when you jump to conclusions about another person.High levels of anger are also a stress on the body. During anger, your blood pressure rises, the heart beats faster, blood sugar increases and muscles become more tense. Anger mobilizes the body. But when this mobilization serves no physical purpose, it causes unnecessary wear and tear on the system. This is especially true if anger occurs frequently and at high intensity. When it lasts too long. The duration of anger can also be a problem. When you make too much of something and relive it over and over in your mind, anger interferes with your work and your enjoyment of life. It also then becomes easier to get angry all over again when something else goes wrong.When your anger is prolonged, your body’s systems are prevented from returning to normal levels, thus continuing to cause wear and tear. The main way that anger is prolonged is that you remind yourself about the things that upset you. By continuing to dwell on negative experiences, repeating them in your mind, you remain aggravated. Your memories, your attention, and the things that you say to yourself have a lot to do with how long you stay angry, once you do get angry.When it leads to aggression. As you well know, aggressive acts get you in trouble, in addition to hurting someone else. When you feel abused or treated unfairly, you might want to lash out at the person who offended you. Anger, particularly when it is intense, pulls for an aggressive response. Your muscles become tense, the volume of your voice becomes louder, and you do things like clench your fists and stare sharply. During these moments there is a tendency to act on impulse. That is, you might pop-off before you think of the consequences to others and to yourself.Wanting to clobber somebody and actually doing it are two different things. But sometimes you might jump all over someone who has offended you because it is the only way you know how to act. Verbal aggression, like calling someone nasty names, and physical aggression, like punching, smacking or pushing are ineffective ways of dealing with conflict. They hurt other people and have a way of backfiring on you.Summary: Problem Characteristics of AngerAnger is a problem when it is too frequent, when it is too intense, when it lasts too long, and when it leads to aggression. These aspects of anger are problematic because of the harmful effects they have.When anger interferes with doing a good job or makes it hard for people to relate to us, then it starts to have a high cost. It can prevent you from concentrating on your work, cause you to make mistakes, and keep you from being satisfied with your job. Anger pushes people away and makes it difficult for them to like you. Anger is the opposite of appreciation. When it is repeatedly directed at your family and friends, it not only hurts those whom you love, it reduces their interest in being supportive of you.In addition to these bad effects on your personal relationships and your work performance, anger has harmful effects on your health. Because it involves the activation of many physical arousal systems, anger causes strain on your body. Recent scientific studies have found that recurrent anger contributes to a number of serious illnesses, including heart disease and hypertension.Goals.At this point you might be wondering if learning how to control your anger means that the aim of this program is to make you into a wimp, a softie or a pushover. There is nothing further from the truth. The approach to anger control described in this manual is aimed at making you more effective, not less effective.Don’t confuse anger with getting things done. Anger is often misused as a way to solve problems. We seem to think that if we shout loud enough, then the other person will do what we want. Anger is an easy way to assert ourselves, trying to take charge of a situation.Anger management does not mean bottling it up with a tight lid. It does not mean making believe nothing is bothering you, nor does it mean being anybody’s patsy or punching bag. What it does mean is several important things:- Learning how to not get angry when it is self-defeating- Keeping anger at moderate levels of intensity when it does occur- Expressing anger constructively towards others- Using effective problem-solving strategies to change problem situations.You can be composed, direct, and firm without your anger being out of control. This will enable you to be better in dealing with situations that cause anger. Having the ability to control your anger means that you will be more powerful.