Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

March 15, 2012

Hey, everyone,

I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us as

lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you

experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin dearly,

don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better

when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective

eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing

teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no

problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the

right way.

I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually the

cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

March 15, 2012

,I feel your pain. My own father told me I was a bad Mom. It was two years later before I spoke a word in his direction. His lack of understanding and ignorance was not my problem at that time. Let me tell you he's no more enlightened 6 yrs. later, but he's smart enough not to talk to me like he once did. He missed several of my children's birthdays. I didn't do it for revenge, but for my own mental health and piece of mind I kept my distance. I didn't need someone talking down to me in my life. I had enough on my plate already. To: autism-aspergers Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 8:10 AM Subject: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

Hey, everyone,

I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the right way.

I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

March 15, 2012

I have friends who refuse to be around my kids, which in turn, means I don't

spend much time with them. Not because I can't take time away from my children

(my DH is VERY good about letting me take breaks out of the house, since I'm a

SAHM and around the kids 24/7 at times), but more so because if they can't

handle my kids, why do I want them to be a large part of my life?

Family wise, we don't live close to any of them- our closest relatives on my

side of the family are just over an hour drive away, and on his family, over a

90 minute drive. That has gone a LONG way towards tolerating.

I know there are times that my family cringes when the kids act out- especially

now that they are getting older. My aspie daughter is 10, my aspie son is 13.

They are at the age where people are less forgiving of " odd " behavior, and some

tend to think they should have out grown some of it. It's hard to explain that

in many ways, both of them act emotionally younger, and physically react like

children half their age. It's something we work on a lot, but I do remind family

not to compare their maturity level to their cousins of the same age.

We stopped doing a LOT of extra family events when my youngest two were really

little. Camping trips with extended family were out (my dad's family will do

HUGE camping trips with 50-70 people), but visiting for the day where they

camped was fine. Huge holiday parties where there were dozens of people we don't

see often were out. Family reunions we do every other year. Enough so that they

see us, but we don't push it by going every year.

At some point, it became easier to be more introverted ourselves, than to try

and struggle with routine changes, tons of people, and situations that would

cause melt downs.

Last fall, I took my then-9-yo aspie to a baby shower for my cousin. It was

packed, and even though my daughter knew most of the people there, it was too

much for her. When we were in the kitchen getting food, she literally sat down

in a corner, drew her legs up, and hid her face. I use that as a point of

reference to family now when they don't understand that Gillian might not want

to be around that many people. She gets easily overwhelmed by too many people,

and tries to hide away, even if it's in plain site.

Wow, I got totally off topic. Yes, I think there are people in my family who

judge me as a parent, and judge my children. BUT, I can only think of 2

instances where family ever SAID anything to me.

My sister was the worst- for some brief background, she and I do not talk. She's

a 'user', in that she uses people to get her own way, and when they say no, it's

like the world has ended. She'll talk to you if she needs something, and ignore

you when she doesn't. Last fall, her baby sitter brought her 4 month old baby to

the hospital, where they found over 14 broken bones. My sister says he was upset

for days, but only around her, and she has no idea what could have possibly

happened- the genetic tests all came back negative. It was a clear case of

abuse, though right now, they still have not charged HER with it.

Both her children are now living with our brother, and yet, when I tried to

help, she couldn't stop going on and on about how I shouldn't be allowed

anywhere near her kids, because I " F*cked up " my own kids, and how I am a

horrible mom.

So, needless to say, regardless of what happens in the future, that's going to

stick with me for a LONG time. At this point, I've made it clear to my immediate

family that my kids are not allowed to be around her (period!) until they are

18, and can make the decision for themselves.

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us

as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of

you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin

dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful

things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better

when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective

eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing

teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no

problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the

right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually

the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

March 15, 2012

If my father was still around, I know he would have been the same way! My older brother and his wife get so distressed over my grandson's odd behaviors, I've stopped taking him with me when I visit them. To: "autism-aspergers " <autism-aspergers > Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 9:27 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

,I feel your pain. My own father told me I was a bad Mom. It was two years later before I spoke a word in his direction. His lack of understanding and ignorance was not my problem at that time. Let me tell you he's no more enlightened 6 yrs. later, but he's smart enough not to talk to me like he once did. He missed several of my children's birthdays. I didn't do it for revenge, but for my own mental health and piece of mind I kept my distance. I didn't need someone talking down to me in my life. I had enough on my plate already. To: autism-aspergers Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 8:10 AM Subject: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

Hey, everyone,

I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the right way.

I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

March 15, 2012

Sorry about your sister. It sounds like you find it best to avoid being involved with family gatherings. My grandson is ok in large gatherings for a limited amount of time. (We go, but don't stay too long!) What hurts is that he is left out of being invited to his cousins' birthday parties and other outings with them because my eldest daughter doesn't want to "deal" with him. (This bothers ME more than him.) To:

autism-aspergers Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 11:15 AM Subject: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

I have friends who refuse to be around my kids, which in turn, means I don't spend much time with them. Not because I can't take time away from my children (my DH is VERY good about letting me take breaks out of the house, since I'm a SAHM and around the kids 24/7 at times), but more so because if they can't handle my kids, why do I want them to be a large part of my life?

Family wise, we don't live close to any of them- our closest relatives on my side of the family are just over an hour drive away, and on his family, over a 90 minute drive. That has gone a LONG way towards tolerating.

I know there are times that my family cringes when the kids act out- especially now that they are getting older. My aspie daughter is 10, my aspie son is 13. They are at the age where people are less forgiving of "odd" behavior, and some tend to think they should have out grown some of it. It's hard to explain that in many ways, both of them act emotionally younger, and physically react like children half their age. It's something we work on a lot, but I do remind family not to compare their maturity level to their cousins of the same age.

We stopped doing a LOT of extra family events when my youngest two were really little. Camping trips with extended family were out (my dad's family will do HUGE camping trips with 50-70 people), but visiting for the day where they camped was fine. Huge holiday parties where there were dozens of people we don't see often were out. Family reunions we do every other year. Enough so that they see us, but we don't push it by going every year.

At some point, it became easier to be more introverted ourselves, than to try and struggle with routine changes, tons of people, and situations that would cause melt downs.

Last fall, I took my then-9-yo aspie to a baby shower for my cousin. It was packed, and even though my daughter knew most of the people there, it was too much for her. When we were in the kitchen getting food, she literally sat down in a corner, drew her legs up, and hid her face. I use that as a point of reference to family now when they don't understand that Gillian might not want to be around that many people. She gets easily overwhelmed by too many people, and tries to hide away, even if it's in plain site.

Wow, I got totally off topic. Yes, I think there are people in my family who judge me as a parent, and judge my children. BUT, I can only think of 2 instances where family ever SAID anything to me.

My sister was the worst- for some brief background, she and I do not talk. She's a 'user', in that she uses people to get her own way, and when they say no, it's like the world has ended. She'll talk to you if she needs something, and ignore you when she doesn't. Last fall, her baby sitter brought her 4 month old baby to the hospital, where they found over 14 broken bones. My sister says he was upset for days, but only around her, and she has no idea what could have possibly happened- the genetic tests all came back negative. It was a clear case of abuse, though right now, they still have not charged HER with it.

Both her children are now living with our brother, and yet, when I tried to help, she couldn't stop going on and on about how I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near her kids, because I "F*cked up" my own kids, and how I am a horrible mom.

So, needless to say, regardless of what happens in the future, that's going to stick with me for a LONG time. At this point, I've made it clear to my immediate family that my kids are not allowed to be around her (period!) until they are 18, and can make the decision for themselves.

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

March 15, 2012

Now that the kids are getting older, we do venture out more often. These past

two years, we've gone to my mom's for a large 4th of July party- the kids had a

blast, though there was at least 1 tense moment when my youngest started

swearing up a storm.

We still avoid extended family Christmas's. Too many people in too close of a

space.

In the summer, I am more likely to drive over to spend the afternoon with family

just for the heck of it, but I try to limit how many kids I have with me at one

time.

I rarely let the kids spend the night with anyone other than their grandparents,

because I know they can be a lot to handle when other kids are involved.

Last summer, my older brother took my youngest for 2 nights in the summer, and

it was a disaster.

> >

> > Hey, everyone,

> > I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view

us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any

of you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> > I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin

dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful

things.

> > They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and

better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED

(selective eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with

brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have

no problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the

right way.

> > I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually

the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

> >

>

March 16, 2012

I have found - particularly with grandmothers - that having the

opportunity to look after the child for some time can be way more

effective in convincing them there is a problem than any arguments

we can make.Â Of course, some relatives you just don't want to

inflict on your children, and it is better to just see them as being

ignorant - which sometimes has crossed your mind anyway

Â

Hey, everyone,

I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding

how others view us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along

with this sort of thinking, have any of you experienced

this type of criticism coming from family members or

friends?

I have....many more times than I can write about here. I

love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes

they come out with very hurtful things.

They love to give suggestions on how I could do things

differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr

grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating disorder

which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing

teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where

NT kids have no problem. When I tell them I've tried this

or that and it doesn't work or whatever, they make me feel

like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the right

way.

I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad

parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving

the way he does. This makes me sad.

No virus

found in this message.

Checked by AVG - www.avg.com

Version: 2012.0.1913 / Virus Database: 2114/4871 - Release Date:

03/14/12

March 16, 2012

This brought to mind something my grandmother said often "you can't

choose your family, but you can choose how often you go to see

them".Â A theory demolished by her older sister who came to stay

when she wanted to, sometimes without warning.Â My grandmother

referred to her as 'Why dontcha'.Â Apparently she had been hearing

it all her life.Â

We have been blessed most of our married life not to live too close

to family.Â We are moving at the end of this year, which will bring

us much closer to my family, most of whom haven't had much to do

with Ben.Â At the moment, the only cousins close by are my wife's

sister's kids, one of whom has AS worse than Ben.Â That has, mostly,

been helpful.Â There is only one first cousin on my side, and we

have seen her three times.Â She does like my kids, and is young

enough not to notice Ben is different.Â He is also good with younger

kids, so that helps.Â Next year he will be within about 30 minutes

of a lot of my cousins and their kids, quite a few of whom are

around the same age.Â Don't know how that will go.Â It is probably

easier now they are all in their late teens rather than younger.Â

Some are no more social than he is, so probably no problems with

them Â Must have a word to him about racist jokes before then,

though.Â Some of his cousins are not white.Â He isn't racist with

people - I don't think he really notices colour - he just finds the

jokes amusing.Â Nothing PC about him at all.Â For a major school

project - shown to his year + parents - he made a political satire

on PowerPoint that not only poked fun at Australian politicians, but

ended up with the Prime Minister launching a rocket that demolished

the White House and had Barak Obama saying words I am sure he would

not say publicly.Â His teacher saw it before then, so nothing we

could do.Â He goes to a Christian school, but sees no problem with

poking fun at religion.Â <sigh>Â Some battles are not worth

fighting.Â Which is how I feel also about educating relatives who

don't really want to know because they think they already know

everything about bringing up kids.Â Considering the success some of

then have had, you have to wonder why.Â And I agree with you about

your sister.Â I have an uncle that neither of my kids will ever be

allowed to be alone with, no matter what their age - or his.

Â

I have friends who refuse to be around my kids, which in

turn, means I don't spend much time with them. Not because

I can't take time away from my children (my DH is VERY

good about letting me take breaks out of the house, since

I'm a SAHM and around the kids 24/7 at times), but more so

because if they can't handle my kids, why do I want them

to be a large part of my life?

Family wise, we don't live close to any of them- our

closest relatives on my side of the family are just over

an hour drive away, and on his family, over a 90 minute

drive. That has gone a LONG way towards tolerating.

I know there are times that my family cringes when the

kids act out- especially now that they are getting older.

My aspie daughter is 10, my aspie son is 13. They are at

the age where people are less forgiving of "odd" behavior,

and some tend to think they should have out grown some of

it. It's hard to explain that in many ways, both of them

act emotionally younger, and physically react like

children half their age. It's something we work on a lot,

but I do remind family not to compare their maturity level

to their cousins of the same age.

We stopped doing a LOT of extra family events when my

youngest two were really little. Camping trips with

extended family were out (my dad's family will do HUGE

camping trips with 50-70 people), but visiting for the day

where they camped was fine. Huge holiday parties where

there were dozens of people we don't see often were out.

Family reunions we do every other year. Enough so that

they see us, but we don't push it by going every year.

At some point, it became easier to be more introverted

ourselves, than to try and struggle with routine changes,

tons of people, and situations that would cause melt

downs.

Last fall, I took my then-9-yo aspie to a baby shower for

my cousin. It was packed, and even though my daughter knew

most of the people there, it was too much for her. When we

were in the kitchen getting food, she literally sat down

in a corner, drew her legs up, and hid her face. I use

that as a point of reference to family now when they don't

understand that Gillian might not want to be around that

many people. She gets easily overwhelmed by too many

people, and tries to hide away, even if it's in plain

site.

Wow, I got totally off topic. Yes, I think there are

people in my family who judge me as a parent, and judge my

children. BUT, I can only think of 2 instances where

family ever SAID anything to me.

My sister was the worst- for some brief background, she

and I do not talk. She's a 'user', in that she uses people

to get her own way, and when they say no, it's like the

world has ended. She'll talk to you if she needs

something, and ignore you when she doesn't. Last fall, her

baby sitter brought her 4 month old baby to the hospital,

where they found over 14 broken bones. My sister says he

was upset for days, but only around her, and she has no

idea what could have possibly happened- the genetic tests

all came back negative. It was a clear case of abuse,

though right now, they still have not charged HER with it.

Both her children are now living with our brother, and

yet, when I tried to help, she couldn't stop going on and

on about how I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near her

kids, because I "F*cked up" my own kids, and how I am a

horrible mom.

So, needless to say, regardless of what happens in the

future, that's going to stick with me for a LONG time. At

this point, I've made it clear to my immediate family that

my kids are not allowed to be around her (period!) until

they are 18, and can make the decision for themselves.

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion

regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad parents.

Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you

experienced this type of criticism coming from family

members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about

here. I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but

sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do

things differently and better when it comes to feeding my

9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating

disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with

brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any

situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell them

I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or whatever,

they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not

parenting the right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad

parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving

the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

No virus

found in this message.

Checked by AVG - www.avg.com

Version: 2012.0.1913 / Virus Database: 2114/4871 - Release Date:

03/14/12

March 16, 2012

, just catching the tail end of this discussion,

apparently.... one thing to remember is that sometimes not matter

WHAT someone says, if you're

a parent of an AS child, it hurts. If someone says you're an

amazing parent, it can strike you as reflecting badly on your

child. If someone says you're

a horrible parent, then it reflects badly on you. And even after

all these years, I'm so sensitive to this kind of thing.

I have found - particularly with grandmothers - that

having the opportunity to look after the child for some

time can be way more effective in convincing them there is

a problem than any arguments we can make. Of course, some

relatives you just don't want to inflict on your children,

and it is better to just see them as being ignorant -

which sometimes has crossed your mind anyway

Hey, everyone,

I've really loved this back and forth discussion

regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad

parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have

any of you experienced this type of criticism coming

from family members or friends?

I have....many more times than I can write about here.

I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but

sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

They love to give suggestions on how I could do things

differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9

yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating

disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal

with brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any

situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell

them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I

just am not parenting the right way.

I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad

parenting is actually the cause of my grandson

behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

No

virus found in this message.

Checked by AVG - www.avg.com

Version: 2012.0.1913 / Virus Database: 2114/4871 -

Release Date: 03/14/12

March 16, 2012

This is an interesting discussion. is 8 and has 3 male cousins with ASD and 5 female cousins without. My whole side of the family is great about family gatherings although there have been overflowing toilets causing floods, profanities screamed and countless tantrums ( hey... that actually was all at one family gathering). Our family covers a wide range of the spectrum. It's been interesting since my sister's 2 boys had their dx well before I even had my son and my other nephew was born 1 yr after my son. I have little respect for the way my sister handles her 2 boys and became very successful with my own son by doing a lot of the opposite of what she was doing. Then when my other nephew received his dx I was able to pass on a lot of very helpful info to my other sister.....

interesting how that worked out. My husband's side of the family has been welcoming and never insulting or judgemental. I will not take this for granted having heard what a difficult time others have in this area. I can't believe that with the all the extra work and stress that having a child with ASD can add to someone's already hectic stressful life there are family members that would do anything to cause any more stress or upset. Dr. Phil says often "In any relationship you either contribute to it or contaminate it".

March 16, 2012

I've so been there. My sister once asked my mom, to tell me, that I could come

over but to leave my daughter at home. Seriously, what Aunt wouldn't want to see

her neice and what grandparent wouldn't want to see her grandchild? My daughter

was a handful but she wasn't horrible.

My mom told me just the other day that she doesn't think my daughter is an Aspie

because she doesn't do the same things my Uncle's adopted son does. From the

time my daughter was 2 until 12, she saw her grandmother about 1-3 times a year.

She hasn't seen her for the past 3 years and yet my mom can correctly diagnose

her. Interesting.

We took the kids to my dad's house a few years ago. We were going to have a

family dinner at my sister's house. They are all avid hunters and I knew we

would be eating wild game. I KNEW my two orally defensive children would not

tolerate the unique taste and texture of wild game. I fed them before we went to

dinner. I still fixed them both a plate and made them take a 'no thank you' bite

of everything. They did it without too much fuss but neither of them would eat

any more. My whole family was irritated at me. " If they get hungry enough,

They'll eat " . I told them no they wouldn't. I told them my Aspie daughter would

meltdown and my son would vomit. They still gave me the impression that I was a

bad mom. At the time my daughter was not diagnosed. Now that she is diagnosed,

they are quite a bit more forgiving but still slightly judgmental.

As if dealing with our children wasn't hard enough. Now we have to deal with

'our support system' too. Oh what fun time?!

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us

as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of

you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin

dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful

things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better

when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective

eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing

teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no

problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the

right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually

the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

March 16, 2012

We have had to deal with this on many fronts. Family members who think you're

just parenting wrong, and/or who don't believe the diagnosis. Although he has

sensory issues, anxiety, tantrums, and other aspie issues, my son, 7, can be

very friendly and social, when he is having a good day and in a good mood, with

decent eye contact. So I've even had a coworker tell me " my daughter (getting

her masters in developmental psych) doesn't think he has Aspergers because he's

so social. " The daughter had never even met him and was just going on the

mother's accounts having met him once or twice briefly. Anyway, I found the

piece " Especially for Grandparents... " from OASIS to be very helpful. It answers

all of the common questions/misconceptions and establishes that you expect to be

supported even if they have these attitudes. I sent it to several family members

even though it is written specifically for grandparents.

http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Articles/Especially-for-Grandparents-of-Children\

-With-Asper.aspx

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us

as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of

you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin

dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful

things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better

when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective

eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing

teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no

problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or

whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the

right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually

the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

March 16, 2012

Oh, , I can sooo relate! The food thing is really, really hard. NOBODY seems to understand that your kid will only eat certain things a certain way and that's just how he or she is. Period. I just laugh, now, when somebody says if you wait it out long enough, he'll eat. No. He will starve to death. To: autism-aspergers Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 11:27 PM Subject: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

I've so been there. My sister once asked my mom, to tell me, that I could come over but to leave my daughter at home. Seriously, what Aunt wouldn't want to see her neice and what grandparent wouldn't want to see her grandchild? My daughter was a handful but she wasn't horrible.

My mom told me just the other day that she doesn't think my daughter is an Aspie because she doesn't do the same things my Uncle's adopted son does. From the time my daughter was 2 until 12, she saw her grandmother about 1-3 times a year. She hasn't seen her for the past 3 years and yet my mom can correctly diagnose her. Interesting.

We took the kids to my dad's house a few years ago. We were going to have a family dinner at my sister's house. They are all avid hunters and I knew we would be eating wild game. I KNEW my two orally defensive children would not tolerate the unique taste and texture of wild game. I fed them before we went to dinner. I still fixed them both a plate and made them take a 'no thank you' bite of everything. They did it without too much fuss but neither of them would eat any more. My whole family was irritated at me. "If they get hungry enough, They'll eat". I told them no they wouldn't. I told them my Aspie daughter would meltdown and my son would vomit. They still gave me the impression that I was a bad mom. At the time my daughter was not diagnosed. Now that she is diagnosed, they are quite a bit more forgiving but still slightly judgmental.

As if dealing with our children wasn't hard enough. Now we have to deal with 'our support system' too. Oh what fun time?!

>

> Hey, everyone,

> I've really loved this back and forth discussion regarding how others view us as lazy or as bad parents. Going along with this sort of thinking, have any of you experienced this type of criticism coming from family members or friends?

> I have....many more times than I can write about here. I love all my kin dearly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they come out with very hurtful things.

> They love to give suggestions on how I could do things differently and better when it comes to feeding my 9 yr grandson (PDD-NOS) who has SED (selective eating disorder which goes beyond just being picky) and deal with brushing teeth, cutting nails, and just about any situations where NT kids have no problem. When I tell them I've tried this or that and it doesn't work or whatever, they make me feel like I'm a failure and I just am not parenting the right way.

> I can't help but feel that secretly they think my bad parenting is actually the cause of my grandson behaving the way he does. This makes me sad.

>

March 16, 2012

Agreed! Mine will starve too!

--- Original Message ---

Sent: March 16, 2012 3/16/12

To: autism-aspergers

Subject: Re: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others

Â

Oh, , I can sooo relate! The food thing is really, really hard. NOBODY

seems to understand that your kid will only eat certain things a certain way and

that's just how he or she is. Period. I just laugh, now, when somebody says if

you wait it out long enough, he'll eat. No. He will starve to death.

To: autism-aspergers

Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2012 11:27 PM

Subject: Re: Bad parenting as viewed by others