Re: My Pain In Shame

[Guest guest]

Welcome back here ...after you wrote me at M/S, I had to take a

little time to think over what you had said, and I'm sorry I took a

little longer to get back to you. I choose to respond to you via

mail, as M/S can tend to lose mail, distort it or otherwise...I don't

actually trust it.

I mentioned that it was up to you if you wanted to keep it private, and

I would honor that request of privacy, that I sometimes shared mail that

I answer, thinking it may also be helpful to others in some way. And

normally would strip out the personal info. I'm glad to see you answer

the mail here. If only for the reasons that you have already shared much

here, and maybe, most of all...because, I don't have all the answers,

nor am I but one. There are many here and they all wish to help, to

share, and to love you. They all wish to empower you. And in the

sharing, you may be helping many others in the very act and journey.

Consider this...if you were sitting in my living room, , and maybe

others, would be there too. While we may be having the discussion for

the most part, at the time, the energy would come from the others as

well. And it would be for your own comfort, and feeling of

security...the setting necessary for such things. This is our " living "

room...so pull you up a comfortable chair, grab a pillow and relax. You

have nothing to fear here...even with some of the friends on M/S, and

most everyone here, is there too...this is not " there " ...no judgments

exist here. It is ok to look at ourselves here...and to be seen. This is

your family now...get used to it.

You can not lose friendship here. This is about coming to understand,

ourselves, and others. This is a place of healing, and much of that is

done in opening up. We ask for, and receive healing, sometimes in the

same act. We offer it, and we receive it...there's really no difference.

The act of healing merely is the identifying of something needing

attention, and we would disagree that it needs anything...and we agree

that the one requesting healing is already whole...this is love. We work

to remove an illusion of it being anything else. In doing this, we begin

to understand this truth more and more, and we are changed by it.

, listen, you can't " get this wrong " . There is NOTHING to forgive.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Speaking of " taking responsibility " , and being able to " control "

ourselves...just what is it a child learns? Are these things beaten into

them? Is that's how it's learned? Is it drilled into them? Scared into

them? While we may learn or decide this is the way to go in our growing

up, what has been learned? That we are no good? That we have no power?

That we are worthless? That we have sinned? that we aren't allowed to

make mistakes?

YOU are not choosing these things in your life. They are being

" allowed " . If you had a choice, you would not choose it...correct? So it

can not be that. However, you may be subconsciously allowing it. And

this is only to be able to push it up and out, to bring attention to it.

it will keep happening until it has our attention...until we get it, and

bring love to that part of us needing to be healed.

Much of these things come from the older traumas, which could be, in

this lifetime or others. Now, I understand the issue of not really

believing in former lives, that's completely ok, many don't...but let me

use this gateway to see if I can shed some light on it.

Let's take the Bible and Holy Spirit as your base of understanding

then...I grew up with those same concepts. Do you remember the things

about " the sins of the father's visited upon the 4th and 5h generations,

etc... " kind of thing? Now, if that were the case, how could you escape

such a judgment? What could you do, if right now, you are paying for

something " someone else " did, generations ago? Based on that teaching

path, you would seek forgiveness, basically, your asking for love to

enter in and help. If you are calling for the angels, God, Christ...what

are you really doing? Didn't the Christ himself say he was LOVE...he was

the creator and the " bringer " of it?

Isn't that, could it be said...that we are sending love to a past life?

And if that is true, wouldn't our " present now " change by this very act?

We would no longer be under " that penalty " . So then, blessings

flow...and what is a blessing, but love.

Taking the Holy Spirit....what is it? In that path it is shown to be an

energy that comes to us, to empower us, to aid us, to help us, to love

us unconditionally. And to not render any judgment whatsoever, but

to.....what? " nudge us " into the loving beings we really are...already.

To remind us. Love comes to " remind " ...the Holy Spirit comes to

" remind " . Why did the Christ come? " To Remind " . So what is the reminder?

That we are this very thing...love...we are this holy spirit at our

core...it is our very essence. At our center, we are the Christ. I know

for those in the Christan faith, that may be a little strong...yet,

didn't the Christ say that very thing? And didn't he go further and tell

us that, not only could we, US, do what he was doing, but we could do it

and even more? He was simply reminding us, as a brother, that we had

this same power, this same love, that we were of " the same body " .

I'm afraid I get off the train right about there as far as some of the

other stuff in the book...I don't personally buy into a God of

judgments, fear, destruction, hatred, and related, so I tend to think

someone took a lot of writing leeway in trying to control. Love speaks

for itself...and the Christ brought only that message...there wasn't

some lightening bolt God hanging around to demand people get the point.

Love doesn't work that way.

The Christ was able to heal by bring love to those who needed it, to

remind them of who they were. What were demons but thoughts of a darker

substance...of powerlessness, of fear, of hopelessness. He never once

said " hey, your sick, do this, do that... " He disagreed with their

condition, and with compassion, brought love to the dark. Simple as

that. he Holy Spirit is this reminding you of the love YOU HAVE WITHIN.

I am not entirely clear on the sexless marriage part...do you mean,

sex-less, or do you mean, loveless sex? I sense, maybe from a previous

relationship, that it was loveless, to the point of several layers of

sexual abuses. I mean, there was sex, but it was because of

control/submission to possible " acts " , some you never may have

considered before, in order to please, to gain love, you hoped, or

acceptance in doing what was asked. And this may have even went beyond

what even sex is.

I sense, this may have stemmed from something much older, where an

experience, or several, were either because of age, or because of

violence, it was equated to be how love was given, in some way. So, when

we associate love in the present, we relive those moments, and even in

those moments we relive, it may be for the first time, over and over,

because we dis-associated from what was happening.

Now, it could be that, your aware of simply having sex could be a huge

issue, because you don't want to relive those moments again. You'd do

almost anything to avoid them...even if you'd rather have it another

way.

I keep jumping around here a little, sorry about that. We need to leave

your husband for a moment in the area of thinking. We need to get back

to the " you " part of this. This journey of you needs to be about you for

now. I know I usually point to getting beyond ourselves and finding

others to help, and in that, we become whole...we get our mind off

ourselves and our issues. But here, I think it is best to concentrate on

understanding you already are a loving person, and spirit. Looking in,

sees these things and feels powerless, but , it IS YOU who is

looking outward when you are being in that " energy " of love...of the

spiritual, of the Holy Spirit. That is you too. Turn around. Now do it

again...which do you prefer? If a choice is to be made, it is in that.

Which view do you wish to look from?

If this marriage is something you can not be in right now in order to do

this, then, by all means, go to your mom's...take the time. You can not

stay adrift on a sinking lifeboat. And this is what you have said it to

be. Your lifeboat. See that island over there, for now, your mom's? Jump

and swim for it...your going to get wet...better to do it while your

close to land, than deep out in the middle of nowhere. You say there is

no love in this relationship, at least not fully in the present...then

you are leaving nothing you can do without....right?

I know i can just say it, and it's " life " for you. I understand this,

I've been in several related situations...it is soul draining, it seems.

And I know it must be even more for you. From all the times I've hitch

hiked across this country...I can tell you there were times I just

wanted to lay down in the middle of the road and die...I had walked all

the steps i had left in me...no water, be it the middle of the desert,

or a lonely old road...and what was I even headed to or for anyway? The

hard part is getting back up, and forcing one foot in front of the

other, again and again...somehow...someway...the strength comes. It

always does...and we find ourselves becoming stronger, and out of it, we

have become more than we were before it...and discover, life was waiting

for us all along.

As I said, I'm sending love to you, all of this, your relationship, and

your husband. He needs it as well. But it is not for you to do at this

moment. You very well may be the one who does help him, but it will be

in helping you first. Let that go for now, and know the best will come

out of it.

Being jealous is about control. I know that dog. It is fear of

loss...fear we are not enough...fear of change...fear of " growth " . So we

try to control, and it NEVER works. I learned that the hard way...lol,

tells me I'm not jealous enough now...she didn't get to

experience an older me in some other relationship. I did not like what I

was like in some of those relationships...and choose not to be like

that. The only way it took is I learned about what love was, and how it

was used.

You will find it hard to find someone with a harder head than mind when

it comes to having to learn something, especially earlier on. Your

husband will learn it in his own time and in his own way. But you don't

need to be there for this to happen, and maybe never would if you were.

Maybe, maybe, one day sooner than you think, the two of you might be in

a place where you can truly, for the first time, fall in love with each

other, and the relationship grow into something you haven't even

imagined. And it could be, you remain nothing but maybe friends...and

you both go on to better more loving relationships...taking the

experiences of this to those, deciding on something different.

I wish the me now could go back sometimes to some of the relationships

and experiences I had and change what they were. I can't, but I do send

love to them. Out of them was born someone new, as time went

along...each was a lesson. Like Neale Walsch said in his

Conversations With God series before an audience, " I wish I'd known how

to love the women in my life better, because they sure loved me better

than I deserved " . I could say much of that as well.

While loving sex is a big part of a couples relationship...it is the

bodies that complete the sex act. And while that may, or may not be good

in itself...it is not the flesh coming together as much as it is the

spirit coming together in the loving sense. And where this is truly the

case, the bodies become secondary. Women tend to be " turned on " through

process...that is the loving words through the day, the extra touches of

extraordinary things...a note, a whisper, a kiss, a touch, the little

things. She " falls in love " in a continual flow. Where as the man,

responds to nature in a way...the sights, sounds, scents...and it's

instant. He's ready. As couples, we have need of bringing back awareness

to this. By remembering these " little things " , a man learns the

responses of his woman...it becomes " second nature " to him.

It may be that older men understand this much better....it takes

learning. But all a younger man has to do is learn to love his woman and

it will become clearer.

I'm not sure why I'm mentioning this now, but at 17...as far as I'm

aware of it, I had my first experience. A guy that age is more than

ready, willing and able...I was no exception...yet, overlooking the

obvious for a moment, it was with a 37 year old woman. Humm you

say....ok, it was with a 37 year old lesbian woman. [huh??]. Don't ask

me...I wasn't in the questioning mood you could say. But this

relationship lasted about 6 months. If there's one thing a woman like

that won't tolerate is, someone in a hurry. So, perhaps, it could be

said some of the first experiences were in this very thing...of going

beyond fast touching and heavy breathing.

A man will also have some difficulties if there is stress, anger, or

depression...even more so if he's medicating in any way. Few men are

even going to attempt a lot of things, including intimacy, if they

question their selves in this area.

This could be part of your husbands dilemma in some way. And in families

where little communication took place...where love was not given, or

intimacy in the right ways....this translates very poorly to a new

relationship...regardless of how old the relationship becomes. A

loveless, possibly sexless, or alternative sex life...becomes the norm

where communication fails.

I would venture to say you both could use this time apart...and as this

process takes place, may, maybe, dating, if it comes into play at some

point....but at this moment...I question it being possible.

If he's only serving as the " lifeboat " at this moment.... " swim " . You'll

be doing both of you much better good [much better good? is that a

sentence?] Continue reading your books...they only get better. You

always have time towards making yourself better.

I'm jumping a bit again, so I will leave it here for now. Will cover

more as I can.

We love you...and we want you to feel " home " here. Everyone here is

sending you love, and energy, prayers and thoughts. Our hands and our

arms are out...just fall into them....it is impossible to hit the

ground.

With Love

D~

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I

> guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts

> this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

> fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind

> if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

>

> Hello ,

>

> I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit

> of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

> much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual

> form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward

> and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards

> my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the

> words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as

> to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day

> later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> this.

> I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with

> a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do

> and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally

> unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked

> at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

> this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not

> closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and

> relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

> just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

> only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the

> extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have

> shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of

> anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try to

> open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it

> has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused

> me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love

> because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love

> there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity

> sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I

> didn't listen to my own soul.

> If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an

> infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on

> a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling

> of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you

> could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes through

> but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the

> right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other

> woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She

> wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to

> let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such

> self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause

> in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the

> mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as

> if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one.

> One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts that

> have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have

> described the other.

> I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> really having to completely understand it all because this is what we

> learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the

> written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull

> and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

> many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't.

> I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I

> realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is

> okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place

> just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

>

> , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

> and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that

> was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

> is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was

> raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

> not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is

> his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up and

> do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move

> forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate

> and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it?

> What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it

> doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is

> my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful

> but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be

> unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this

> level anyway.

>

> I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught

> in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one to

> blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

> too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought

> myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no

> child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my

> health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to

> keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping

> the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone

> into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we

> moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go

> of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family

> members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

>

> I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to

> think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If

> it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say

> that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I

> only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to

> stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because

> it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me

> for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

> confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me

> here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it

> at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

> hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God forbid

> if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or

> bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do.

> I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

> this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> ashamed..:-(

>

> I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to

> wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is

> the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means

> I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by

> btw?

>

> So sorry again,

>

[Guest guest]

, I know you wrote this for , but there's one thing I want to say in response. The impression I got as I read this, and previous posts is that you love God, but you have a hard time loving others. That in return is the mirror. You don't know how to love YOURSELF. You just cannot love another wholly if you don't know how to love yourself. This is a very difficult issue. It's like you said about talking in tongues. If you don't know the meaning, then you can't understand the words. It's the same with love. If you don't understand how to love yourself, then you can't possibly express it to another. Maybe it's the same with your husband? Here's something I would like you to do if you're open to it. Sit with yourself with no music, no distractions. Phone off, and the hubby out of the house. I want you to fill your heart with the love that you have for God. Fill your soul, pray, sing, anything that you do to raise this unconditional love yo have for God. Submerge yourself in this love! Then imagine, if you will, that God is sitting right in front of you. He's filled with incredible love for his daughter. He's smiling at you with kind eyes. He's so proud of you. Reach out and touch God's face, he touches your face in return. Feel the reality of this love.....sit with him for awhile, communicating in a different language. Now he invites you to do something you never dreamed as an option. He opens his arms to hold you. You crawl into his arms, and as you do this, you merge with God! You become one with the holy spirit! You ARE him and divine like him in every single way! Your love fills every ounce of your being like a river flowing and clearing out the pain. God is still in you, but now you're seeing through his eyes........Everything looks so different. Fresh, and new. So beautiful. Now imagine yourself, still filled with this overwhelming love and compassion sitting in front of your husband. Look at him through God's eyes. Feel your love for his spirit through God's eyes. Bless him with everything you have. Love him through your divinity. Feel him reach out to you, and touch your face. Love him like a child. Invite him into your own arms and merge with him. Feel the love he has for you, this is the true mirror. This is the process of love. Selflessness, non judging, and it always starts with ourselves. We can never rely on others to get the wheel turning if they're not willing to. This is how you're going to learn to love yourself. If you have a hard time doing this, then imagine it's your mother sitting in front of you. Bless her for everything she's experienced, and made you feel. Bless all the people in your life who have hurt you and made you feel like a prisoner. Do this one by one. Let the tears fall if they come. Allow yourself this release! Then remember YOU are divine. YOU are God because you love yourself unconditionally like you love God. Now forgive yourself.........love yourself.........allow yourself your pain, then LET IT GO. You don't need it any longer . Please try this, I share this with you out of love,Stefanie>> I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I > guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing > others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want > others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts > this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I > fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind > if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.> > Hello ,> > I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit > of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got > much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual > form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward > and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards > my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the > words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as > to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day > later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain > meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember > this. > I understand what you mean by all of us going through life > experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we > react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with > a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do > and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many > therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we > treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally > unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked > at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in > this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life > times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to > understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not > closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and > relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is > just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can > only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the > extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have > shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of > anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try to > open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it > has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused > me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love > because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love > there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity > sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I > didn't listen to my own soul. > If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an > infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on > a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is > unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling > of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you > could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes through > but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and > allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not > about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the > right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete. > These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other > woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She > wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to > let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such > self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause > in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the > mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as > if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one. > One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts that > have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have > described the other. > I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not > really having to completely understand it all because this is what we > learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those > words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the > written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull > and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read > many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't. > I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not > understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I > realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is > okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place > just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe. > > , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13 > and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that > was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he > is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was > raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does > not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is > his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up and > do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame > himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move > forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate > and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it? > What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to > work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it > doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is > my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful > but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be > unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this > level anyway. > > I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught > in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of > emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one to > blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless > marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish > myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean > too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought > myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no > child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my > health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat, > nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to > keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping > the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone > into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we > moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after > knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but > because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own > mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go > of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family > members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.> > I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to > think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If > it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I > can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say > that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I > only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to > stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because > it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me > for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the > confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me > here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it > at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My > hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God forbid > if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or > bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do. > I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post > this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am > ashamed..:-( > > I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it, > almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to > wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is > the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means > I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by > btw? > > So sorry again, >

[Guest guest]

Stefanie,

Ty so much for writing this I have tears welling up in my eyes because

this I can understand. I just got home after a long day of moving and

I am so sore I can barely type. I have to go to work tomorrow morning

for a 12 hour day and I don't know how I am going to make it. We are

finally all moved out, the cleaning is what took the most time.

I really needed to hear this the way you put it into words. I will

print this out and everyone elses and start making a booklet for me to

read again and again. Since taking codeine my memory has suffered so I

tend to not hold something for very long. I have tried what you

mentioned but not to the degree or level I should so when things calm

down here and I can find a path through my house (lol) I will devote

time to this. I agree with you about the level of non love for him

having to do with self hatred but I know that much of it has to do too

with not being able to forgive because the same thing keeps happening.

I can clearly see how I am his mirror and vice versa. He has a twin

and the twin was favored, my hubby was sent away for a time so his

mother could cope better with three children. To this day my husband

gets left out of family things even when they go out to eat (partly

why he moved to my state I think) and his father was a dictator so I

can see the lesson we both have in front of us. Like you said you

can't force someone to move deeper or want to look within but I can

pray that he will. I have seen love win out and I have seen him

respond to it so I will try to keep faith in this process. Thank you

so much,

>

> , I know you wrote this for , but there's one thing I want to

> say in response. The impression I got as I read this, and previous posts

> is that you love God, but you have a hard time loving others. That in

> return is the mirror. You don't know how to love YOURSELF. You just

> cannot love another wholly if you don't know how to love yourself.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Hello, You seem to be going though so much right now, You are a lot

stronger then you think you are,when you was homeless You might of

had a helping hand or two ,but is you didn't want to get back on your

feet and bring your babys back home to you all the help in the world

would not of helped. you wanted it and you did what you had to do to

get them back home ,see you are strong. We are here for you always

with Love and understanding.

Peace and Love,

Lynn

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group.

I

> guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it

hurts

> this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

> fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be

kind

> if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

>

> Hello ,

>

> I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a

bit

> of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

> much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual

> form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward

> and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards

> my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the

> words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss

as

> to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a

day

> later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> this.

> I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother

with

> a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do

> and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around

totally

> unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always

looked

> at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

> this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm

not

> closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and

> relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

> just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

> only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to

the

> extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I

have

> shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much

of

> anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try

to

> open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because

it

> has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused

> me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love

> because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was

love

> there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity

> sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but

I

> didn't listen to my own soul.

> If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an

> infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love

on

> a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a

feeling

> of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you

> could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes

through

> but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time,

the

> right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the

other

> woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember.

She

> wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing

to

> let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred,

such

> self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the

cause

> in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the

> mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as

> if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as

one.

> One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts

that

> have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have

> described the other.

> I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> really having to completely understand it all because this is what

we

> learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond

the

> written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull

> and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

> many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind

didn't.

> I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does.

I

> realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that

is

> okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place

> just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

>

> , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

> and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and

that

> was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

> is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he

was

> raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

> not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it

is

> his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up

and

> do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move

> forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate

> and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in

it?

> What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and

it

> doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this

is

> my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful

> but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be

> unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on

this

> level anyway.

>

> I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get

caught

> in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to

> blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

> too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have

brought

> myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no

> child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to

my

> health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler

to

> keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping

> the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had

gone

> into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home

we

> moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go

> of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family

> members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

>

> I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to

> think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If

> it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say

> that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I

> only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important

to

> stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide

because

> it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive

me

> for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

> confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is

me

> here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get

it

> at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

> hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God

forbid

> if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read

or

> bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I

do.

> I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

> this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> ashamed..:-(

>

> I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall

to

> wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow

is

> the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that

means

> I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written

by

> btw?

>

> So sorry again,

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

My heart goes out to you and your pain. When I read your words it

made me cry. Stefanie answered you so well. You have to start with

self love. Her technique is right on. I wish the best for you. We

all love you and want the best for you. keep us in your heart, you

are in ours.

Lovingly,

karen T

> >

> > I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the

group. I

> > guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> > others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> > others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it

hurts

> > this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

> > fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be

kind

> > if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

> >

> > Hello ,

> >

> > I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a

bit

> > of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

> > much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a

sexual

> > form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be

inward

> > and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly

towards

> > my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say

the

> > words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a

loss as

> > to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a

day

> > later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> > meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> > this.

> > I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> > experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> > react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother

with

> > a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we

do

> > and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> > therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> > treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around

totally

> > unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always

looked

> > at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

> > this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> > times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> > understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm

not

> > closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out

and

> > relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

> > just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

> > only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to

the

> > extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I

have

> > shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel

much of

> > anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try

to

> > open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because

it

> > has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that

abused

> > me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken

love

> > because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was

love

> > there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for

pity

> > sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong

but I

> > didn't listen to my own soul.

> > If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am

an

> > infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love

on

> > a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> > unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a

feeling

> > of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think

you

> > could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes

through

> > but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> > allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> > about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time,

the

> > right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> > These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the

other

> > woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember.

She

> > wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core,

refusing to

> > let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred,

such

> > self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the

cause

> > in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention

the

> > mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is

as

> > if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as

one.

> > One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts

that

> > have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I

have

> > described the other.

> > I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> > really having to completely understand it all because this is

what we

> > learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> > words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond

the

> > written word where to someone else they are only words, boring

dull

> > and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

> > many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind

didn't.

> > I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> > understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us

does. I

> > realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that

is

> > okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same

place

> > just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

> >

> > , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

> > and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and

that

> > was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

> > is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he

was

> > raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

> > not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it

is

> > his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up

and

> > do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> > himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't

move

> > forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create

hate

> > and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in

it?

> > What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> > work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and

it

> > doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this

is

> > my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less

painful

> > but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to

be

> > unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on

this

> > level anyway.

> >

> > I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get

caught

> > in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> > emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to

> > blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> > marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> > myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

> > too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have

brought

> > myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children,

no

> > child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to

my

> > health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> > nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a

cooler to

> > keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room

hoping

> > the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had

gone

> > into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come

home we

> > moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> > knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> > because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> > mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let

go

> > of several my children in order to survive.....just to other

family

> > members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

> >

> > I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard

to

> > think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere.

If

> > it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> > can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to

say

> > that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do

I

> > only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important

to

> > stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide

because

> > it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive

me

> > for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

> > confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is

me

> > here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't

get it

> > at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

> > hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God

forbid

> > if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read

or

> > bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I

do.

> > I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

> > this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> > ashamed..:-(

> >

> > I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> > almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall

to

> > wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done,

tomorrow is

> > the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that

means

> > I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book

written by

> > btw?

> >

> > So sorry again,

> >

>

[Guest guest]

my love! I can't tell you how happy I am to know that you understood my post to you! I was so happy that I jumped out of my seat and said a small silent "Thank YOU!" to who ever was listening. And that thank you was in part to you my beautiful sister. Thank you for remaining open, and being so brave to share your hurts with this family in the hope of healing. Healing is not pretty. It's not always positive, and it's not always understood. Positivity is not what this group is about. HEALING is what this group is about. And support without judgment from others. Everything unconditional is the key. you have so many great things to teach, and so much life still to live! I completely sense you're on the edge of a threshold, and I have no doubt your going to be just fine, and you WILL find your happiness and spiritual balance. Infinite love and clarity to you,Stefanie> >> > , I know you wrote this for , but there's one thing I want to> > say in response. The impression I got as I read this, and previous posts> > is that you love God, but you have a hard time loving others. That in> > return is the mirror. You don't know how to love YOURSELF. You just> > cannot love another wholly if you don't know how to love yourself.> >>

[Guest guest]

Dearest Loving Family,

I only have a few mintutes to post but have been trying to read as much as possible. I want you all to know how touched I am by all the responses and I would like to respond to each one and hope too in time. I usually have at least 4 days to myself during the week but it won't be that way for awhile. I am touched by the other threads I have read and the transparency that many of you have. I had forgotten the lessons I learned when I started a support group and how important it is to be transparent so others know they are not suffering alone. I had forgotten how it brought me joy to reveal so much about myself because it did help others and in turn myself. My therapist recently told me that he feels I don't have enough bounderies haha (doormat syndrome). I pray it does not take me a life time to understand how to balance empathy and I can use this gift at it's highest energy for love's sake.

I must say that at least the past 4 to 5 days I have been feeling this settledness in my spirit deep inside rather. A calming of the mind. It's as if a wave of love like a gentle shoreline bathing the sand has come to visit me. I can't say I've ever felt anything like it but things around me are not affecting me so intently. I know it is coming from the love you are all giving. I've never felt so accepted and safe in my life. It's an odd feeling at times and my old self would run from such a thing, (better to stay low than to rise high and fall again). I know some of you can relate to that. I am spending time before bed and whenever I get the time to read spiritual things, pray and listen to music. recommended a book called, Wild Love and I have started on that and am reading many other things, it all helps. I also found this wonderful labyrinth online that plays meditation music while a dove moves slowly through stoping and giving verses of wisdom. It's very soothing and I leave the music on when I go to bed.

Sheila my heart was sad to hear your pain and confusion and yet happy that you wrote. I've been a christian all my life and yet I still feel like an infant. A stranger I met that became a friend later had a vision for me about my spiritual walk and I will share that with all of you soon. It helped me understand how I felt about myself being a slow learner and yet it taught me to remember why I was born and my real purpose. These old voice recorders we have stuck in our brains are hard to turn off. Because I live with fibromyalgia and many other health problems I too have not only felt but told my husband that I would understand if he left me. I have felt unworthy at times and felt he needed a woman that could be a wife not someone that will continually get worse. I've taken many tests for lupus and MS and though the results come back negative we have to do them every year because of brain lesions. I had one doctor tell me that stress and worry itself can and will leave tiny lesions on your brain in extreme cases. That really hit me and made me realize that our emotions are far more powerful than we ever imagine and we must do all we can to love ourselves. That is why I am right here with you taking this journey. God knows our pace and I know he doesn't love me any less because I am hard headed lol. I know both of us were led to this family for a reason and I have been praying for years for the right people to come into life. Praying too that even when I find them I won't run when I do. I have to trust God and this beautiful spirit family that no matter how I fall or leave or anything else they are going to be right here. I also have to trust that in that I will learn to begin to trust myself for this is the greatest lesson of my life. I lost that ability when I made so many bad choices that affected my children and myself. Sometimes I am weak and sometimes I am strong and often both at the same time. Others might say hey she just wrote a painful message and now she is speaking of joy and love lol. That is crazy me and I can laugh about it. I know it's the spirit in me working not the human part of me and I just trust it and go with it. It's so much easier for me to see love and light and beauty and gifts in others like I see in you than I can for myself and I want you to know something that God told me about my husband and maybe you will relate. I might have issues, he might have issues, I may be sick and he may be emotionally abusive at times BUT, this man accepts my illness, he will come running in a split second if I fall or have a hang nail lmao. If I get sick he feels it, he gets weary at times in watching me be in pain and the costs but he would never trade me in for another model (thats the way he says it) lol. I may hate myself and that hurts him terribly but I have slowly come to accept that it's HIS choice to love me the way I am and if he chooses to than I have been blessed. God said just accept that blessing, Didn't you pray for a man that would bear your illnesses? Am I suppose to push him away in unworthiness when it seems that my prayers were answered? Now I pray that he will bear my health when this family and just love helps me learn to nuture me. I know so deeply that when this happens many of my illnesses are going to go away. Maybe not all of them but the physical pain will lessen I know for sure. I am like you too in that my mind works so fast, analyzes everything etc. I read a book once called, Leave yourself alone and it helped tremendously. Oh I slide down so low and I will again but my goal for right now, just for today is to accept these falls and remember it won't last, it never does. Ty so much for replying

Thank you too family and , that statement of (Get used to it) regarding family it really hit home. I've not felt welcomed in so long I've forgotten the feeling. and everyone else I am missing everything you said touched me in a special way that I truly needed. I'm long winded lol........I can't wait to write more, learn more, get to know each of you better and absorb what real love is. Thank you all for being here for me exactly the way each of you have...

Blessings and love,